He's standing on the other side of the kitchen island, right where he was when he came in me last night. Not laughing anymore, just looking at me the way I am at him.
Urgh, the thought of having his sperm swimming in my body is making me mad right now. Why did we go to that road. Have we learned nothing from all the IVFs we did before?
"Where did you go?" She asks, pulling my hand towards the kitchen, "We cooked breakfast for you!"
I really don't have the energy to entertain Pao so I keep looking at her papa that's still in the same outfit as last night. We might have one baby on the way now, according to the doctor.
But she gave it a very low percentage considering how I struggle with conceiving naturally, like a single digit low.
"I'm gonna go shower first." I tell her in a serious tone. I wish I can be that fun Tia she always have but I'm really not in the mood.
And I think it'd be best if I avoid her today before I snap at her, or say something I don't intend to. Like how selfish his papa is for sabotaging my effort to have my own baby.
It's obvious he knows about the no sex until the eggs are harvested part, I mean this isn't our first rodeo. So the only explanation is he's trying to fail me. Because even at the early stage he disagreed with me. Asshole.
"Tia, papa asked if you wanna go with us to the swimming class?" She asks innocently when I'm staying in my room, refuse to go out despite her pleading to eat the pancakes she made specially for me. This must be another trick by his papa, trying to lure me out using her.
"No, I'm tired. Enjoy you class okay, baby?"
And that's how they go out in the afternoon and are only home by dinner time, giving me enough time and space to think.
Well, I managed to think for a couple of hours until I was awoken by Princess Pao; I must have fallen asleep between deciding to go with Plan A or Plan B. I didn't sleep until my appointment at eight this morning so yeah, I had my much needed sleep. Or nap, whichever fits.
Dinner with the two of them was awkward. I didn't talk much, just stabbing my food here and there with the occasional act of actually eating them when Pao nagged about the importance of food to our body, or that we can't play with food considering how many people at the third world countries are starving.
The night ended with Pao sharing the bed with me. She told me a bedtime story then said Good Night before falling asleep on her own, changing my mind from sticking with Plan B to going straight to Plan A. I want a smart, independent daughter like her too.
It's been 24 hours since the trigger shot, I'm not sure if he's still awake but I can't sleep. I've listed the pros and cons list regarding both plans, but each time I pick Plan B, the four year old next to me managed to change my mind with her little gestures; her breathing, her pouts, her talking in sleep. So damn adorable. My uterus tingles every time I look at her.
"Can we talk?" I ask upon seeing him on the couch.
An empty popcorn bowl, with the hand in the throw blanket, and an action movie. He's exactly the way he's always been every night he's here. Well, except last night; we made our own action movie.
"Sure." He straightens himself as I approach the couch, taking the seat next to him with a wide distance between us that can fit three Pao's there.
"I... went to the clinic this morning."
He doesn't say anything but the way he's staring at me, it's obvious he's listening to every word that comes out of my mouth.
I play with my fingers, too nervous to share what happened at the clinic, "My egg retrieval is officially cancelled."
I lift up my eyes to see his reaction since I didn't hear anything, but he remains stoic. Just staring at me.
"According to the scan this morning, I haven't ovulate. But uhm, she cancelled it because, well, uhm, there's a chance, a very low, like one percent chance that I could get pregnant, from you know, uhm, last night."
"So she gave me a few suggestions. But to harvest the eggs is no longer an option."
I'm starting to think this isn't a good idea anymore. Perhaps I should abort this mission. Go back to Plan B. And try again next cycle.
"You know how bad my endo is. I never get pregnant naturally eventhough I've been off birth control for years. But," shit I'm so nervous now, "there's still a possibility your uhm, your swimmers might hang around for a few days and meet my egg. So... yeah. I could be pregnant from last night."
Can't he say something? Anything?
"Okay." Not that.
"We'll co-parent if you're pregnant." Also not that. Urgh.
"Don't worry the percentage is very low," I sneer at him, bringing my arms around my chest, unconsciously elevating my DD's that I catch his eyes dart this way before he schools himself and looks at my face again.
"You can leave tomorrow." Plan B it is.
I stand up, ready to go to my bedroom when he asks in a sharp tone, "What's the suggestions?"
I turn around to look at him again, "Hmm?"
"What's her suggestions?" He removes the throw blanket and stands up, revealing another stupid Dad shirt that feels like mocking me; I make cute babies.
Indeed. One is sleeping in my bed right now.
"Start a new cycle after my period." It will be another set of drugs with different dosage, blah blah blah I didn't really hear the doctor because I was too overwhelmed after she told me about the cancelling part, crushing my dream to have a baby of my own.
"What else?" He's already standing in front of me with his amazing smell, "What else did she suggest?"
"Uhmm. That's all." That's not all. But I'm not gonna tell him that.
A finger touches my side fringe, putting it behind my ear. I nervously stare into his eyes as he gently strokes my hair, "Do you really want me to leave tomorrow?"
"There's no need for you to be here anymore."
"I can put more swimmers to increase the percentage."
"She called me, Estelle. I'm your emergency contact, remember? She told me everything."
I sigh heavily, I knew my decision to give him the right to my IVF account is again another bad decision. But he's the only one here that I can rely to. And he's the only one I can put as my emergency contact since I don't know anyone else besides him and my colleagues.
"Sex every day or every other day for the next three days." He smiles, which I believe more like a smirk but it can pass as an evil smile as well. A villain's smile.
"We've already wasted one day, I don't think we can afford to lose more."