I wish I didn't sleep with him last night.
I wish I thought about it, and said no instead of diving into it. Though I did say no, I was just weak; incapable to decline his charm. I mean, who'd say no to a fine specimen like that, someone who you've been fantasising for a while now.
I wore his shirt for a reason, and why would I settle for the shirt if I can have the man himself. Why would I smell the shirt to feel him when I can have him right inside me, filling me to the brim.
I've spent the entire day at the office thinking how stupid I was to do that rash behaviour. Well, for the first minute. Then I got sidetracked with how hot he looked last night, or ever since I had him in my life, and how good he was in bed. Doesn't matter how long has it been, or how many men I've slept with, he's the only one who provided me that sense of belonged.
And now it's almost 6. But I dread going home.
I want to say no, but I know I'll be too weak to say no when he's right in front of me. I'd fall in his arms, with his charm, like I always do.
And then I'll regret it, repeating the same cycle since years ago when we first met, when we had that unconventional relationship twelve years ago.
I walk home anyway, but reach our place later than usual, hoping he has already left since he's normally gone around this time, when he was in that ignoring-me phase.
Why does today have to be Thursday. Why, why, why.
"You're late, Mama! We already had dinner!" Pao narrows her eyes towards me so I grin innocently, "Sorry."
As usual I lean in to kiss the top of her head and straighten myself again when out of nowhere he stands next to me and steals a kiss of his own. It was brief, like a welcome-home kiss, just like the one we had when we were married, whenever one of us was leaving the house or coming back.
"Welcome home, Mama. Your dinner is in the kitchen." He winks before leaving with Pao for her bath.
That's when I remember I dismissed Nancy for the entire week so I'm gonna be stuck with Owen at least until tomorrow; he can't exactly leave our daughter on her own before I get back from work.
I eat my meal at the kitchen while standing up behind the island; I sat too much today at the office that I feel I need to lift my weight off the ass. Until I feel a hand on my right cheek, squeezing it a couple times when I was still munching my salad.
"Don't mind me," he is already smirking when I turn to the culprit, "Just touching what's mine."
Then he walks to the bathroom again to get back with his little task bathing our daughter, and let me eat in peace again. I'm not sure how I feel with what just happened. Are we back together? I thought I made it clear it's just a one night thing?
Or I didn't..?
Argh come on. Why do I have to have pregnancy brain right now. This is critical. I need to know if I should reject him again or I have to use a gentler approach if I indeed haven't told him yet about it.
"Here." A rectangular box with bitten-apple logo on it appears at the same time he said it.
I'm this close to rolling my eyes at him, "Duh, I know it's iPhone, it's clearly written here."
"Oh so I can cancel the appointment with the eye doctor then."
He shows his clear teeth along with that playful look, complimenting this jeans-and-hoodie outfit that makes an impression of being ten years younger than his real age.
"I thought you have some kinda eye problem since you didn't reply my texts." Urgh, the countless texts I ignored when I was at work.
"Figured your phone is broken since you didn't take my call as well," he shrugs, then opens the box when I still haven't taken it, "Rose gold, just like your current phone."
"I don't need it, Owen. Mine is just fine."
"So you are avoiding me."
I sigh feeling weight being put on my shoulder, "Yes."
"We made a mistake last night."
"No, we made love last night, Precious."
"It was a mistake."
"It was amazing."
"It shouldn't happen again."
"Because I can't forgive you."
"That didn't stop you from fucking me last night."
I close my eyes for two seconds and inhale deep into my lung, wanting the oxygen to fill me up to my brain so I can think clearly before saying or doing anything as stupid as last night's.
"I want to continue fucking you." His voice is ringing in my head.
I'm slightly irritated hearing his demand, so I unconsciously reply in a defensive tone, "I don't want to."
"Really?" He raises an eyebrow, "Mind if I put that to test?"
"I'm pregnant, Owen. I feel like an elephant, a big fat whale, a huge watermelon rolling all over the floor right now. The last thing-"
"You're not a watermelon," he cuts me off with his hand flying to the side of my face, caressing my hair, "If anything you'd be fine-apple, Sweetheart."
I swear I'm in dilemma either to bite this hand that's touching my face because I'm slightly annoyed with his comment, or to kiss it because he still finds me fine.
"I'm gonna be honest with you," he sounds serious, a hundred and eighty degrees different from what he was a second ago, "Honesty above anything else, right?"
"Hm," is all I can contribute in this stressful situation.
He pulls his hand from my face before he begins, “The only reason I allow your lawyer to bully me is because I feel guilty for robbing that four years of Pao's life from you. I never think even for once to fight back for more days with her because I know what I did is unforgivable." Good for you to know then.
"The only reason I avoided you since the beginning is because I don't think I can handle being close to you again without actually fucking you. I didn't hate you, it's nothing of that sort, it's just my way to control myself." Oh.
"But when I found out you're pregnant," he stops and takes a deep breath, pierces me with intense gaze, "I was frustrated. And mad. And wondered how good would it make me feel to find that man and kill him for impregnating my woman." Uhh-
"I thought I still had a chance. I thought maybe, eventhough we weren't talking, just maybe we can find some way and try again. But you went behind my back and did it yourself."
I gulp seeing how he stares at my stomach, afraid if he's gonna do something to our baby. He looked furious.
"How easy for you to get pregnant with his sperm. It took one try and bam, you're pregnant? When it took years with mine? Four IVFs? So many miscarriages? But it only took one from his bloody sperm?"
He sighs, and now seems to regret it, "I'm sorry. I'm just... mad. I'm happy that you're finally having a baby, I really do. But I'm so fucking mad that it's not mine, not ours. And last night when you told me you can never forgive me, does that mean you're gonna move on with a new baby? Taking Pao to a new dad? Just like that?"
He closes the distance between us, "I'm sorry for this outburst but I'm so fucking tired, Elle. I don't wanna fight anymore. I'm mad but I don't wanna fight anymore. I've thought about this, and I think it'd be best if we're friends.” Five minutes ago you wanted to fuck me, but now you’re proposing to be friends? Just friends?
“I know you can't forgive me but at least let's talk like two parents who put their daughter first before their past. For what I said just now, what I feel is totally up to me to control it, it's my problem, don't worry about it. What matters now is for Pao to know she has two parents who have healthy relationship despite their past. She might be small but she sees us, of what's going on between us, and she has started to question why don't we talk to each other like the other parents."
I gasp, "She did?"
He nods, "She did. Two weeks ago."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"This is what I'm trying to tell you. We need to communicate for her sake."
He's right. Pao deserves to grow up without this hasty behaviour of ours. And if he can make it work with his ex husband in co-parenting, why can't we too.
"Okay," I hold out my right hand towards him to seal the deal, "Let's do this. For her sake."
And maybe, for the sake of this baby too.