Chapter 56...These are the disadvantages
My favorite sleeping position with Justin is the leg hug,at first i was the only one doing it and Justin will smoothly remove my leg from him and put a pillow instead for me to hug and it used to bother me when he did that because i thought maybe he didn't like me as much as I did at that time or he was just not a hugger or a cuddling kind of person which goes well with his personality and I would take the pillow myself to leg hug with but after i did that i always woke up without the pillow instead Justin will be the replacement and we both do it now with our legs fully intertwined and It's a very intimate thing between us.
I once googled it thinking that maybe i was doing something wrong or a bad habit of mine that i do when sleeping but it's actually a thing that lots of couples do and If both of you are doing it, that’s a good sign. But if only one person is into the leg hug, there may be a slight imbalance in the relationship.
If you want to relieve stress, consider sleeping next to someone. When you are sleeping next to someone you care about, your body releases oxytocin that calms you and helps you manage stress. The person you love will be there for you to hug you, make you feel safe, loved , or will just hug you back to sleep when maybe you had a bad dream or just can't fall asleep.
As iam wobbling my way to the bathroom iam startled by Justin's deep baritone voice behind me.
"Where are you going?" He says his voice raspy from sleep.
I take a few seconds doing breathing exercises to calm my racing heart because i really got scared and was not expecting someone talking to me in a dimly lit room. It's dimly lit because im scared of the dark and Justin can't sleep in a room with lights on so we decided to compromise on making the room dimly lit.
"Justin you scared me,I pee'd myself." I say when im calm and able to speak but slightly exaggerating the peeing myself part.
Justin starts to laugh but stops himself by acting like his coughing,I leave him and carried on going to the bathroom. Once im done doing my business i washed my hands and went back to the room and I find Justin now standing in the middle of the room talking on the phone still naked which is a huge distraction to me in so many ways.
"Fuck! How did he manage to convince 6 gangs to join him? but I don't care about the other five i can take them out with my eyes closed but the Vipers will be a challenge because that inutile fratello mio Michelo is the leader and he knows almost eighty percent of our attacking strategies." Justin says pulling at his hair
inutile fratello mio: useless brother of mine... meaning.
"Ok ,right now it's 3:30am let's all meet in my private plane at 5am sharp and let the men know change of plans we move as soon as we touch down and we wipe out every gang on that list, it's a shoot first ask questions later mission." Justin says after listening to whoever is on the phone talking to him but my guess is that it's Li who is now his right hand man in everything after Stephano's betrayal.
"After that we move quickly to Gustav's location and do the same thing but he is my Kill and let everybody know his mine to finish off.... OK stay on them and keep me updated And lastly grazie fratello di tutto,ti devo un favore." He says ending the call turning to me with a frustrated look.
grazie fratello di tutto,ti devoted un fovore: Thank you brother,I owe you one...meaning
"You have to leave and I have a bad feeling about you leaving this time." I say feeling my heart hurt
"I'm sorry baby but these are the disadvantages of loving a Mafia leader and don't worry I'll be back in your arms before you even notice that im gone." He says with a faint smile
I don't answer him because i don't have anything encouraging or positive to say right now so i just walk to the bed and get inside covering myself with it turning away from him. I hear him sigh loudly and after a few minutes i hear the shower running.
I try to shut off my thoughts and forcing myself to fall asleep but I can't. All i want to do is cry,I really have a bad feeling about this "mission" his going to and I know there is nothing i can say or do that will stop him from going.
After a few minutes the shower stopped and I closed my eyes again pretending to be sleeping.
I don't know when I fell asleep because I'm woken up by a warm hand lightly touching my face, after the sleep cleared i see a suited up handsome Justin looking at me with those grey crystal eyes that melts my whole body.
"I'm sorry for waking you up but I wanted to let you know that im leaving now and Skull,my dad and some men will be around if you need anything and they will guard you with their own life's. for emergencies press any jewelry that i gave you or crash your phone that will alert all the people under me that you're in trouble, I will switch off my alerts to you because that can throw me off on my missions knowing that you in trouble, i will get easily distracted and possibly make a mistake that can cost me and my men our lives." He says
"Justin this mission you're going to is different i can feel it,how dangerous is it? When are you coming back?" I ask curious and scared.
"Giana the less you know about the details of my work the safer you are,please dont make a big deal out of this." Justin says calmy
"No! the more i know the more alert and safe i would be,Justin i don't even know who is your enemy and who's not,you don't tell me anything about the Mafia. I don't even know the terms and conditions of it and you didn't even discuss Stephano and Michelo's betrayals with me or how it started and how bad is it,Iam a lost sheep when it comes to your other life. People outside this property know a different man and I know a different man too inside these walls which hurts because i want to know all of you,the bad you and the good you because I would love all of you no matter what." I say feeling a migraine coming.
"Giana my love,can we please talk about this when i come back,I'm already late and I don't want to leave not in good shape with you " He says pleading
"Fine you can go,I'll see you when i see you." I say angrily turning away from him.
"You are making things hard for me and now im going to be feeling some type of way and will unconsciously take it out on my men and we don't need that kind of energy on this mission we are going to. im going to have to practice what i always preach to them about leaving your personal problems at home when on the job." He says to me but I'm still turned away from him.
"This is my life,it chose me and i accepted it and took an oath of allegiance to the Mafia and underworld and believe me when i say the less you know the about it the purer you will remain" he continued
His phone rings on the night stand on his side of the bed and he moves to answer it.
"Yeah yeah I'm good just got held up here but I'm coming with Tony in a few,is everything set for take off?...are the men ready this side and that side too? OK good work,Check if Snake got all my gears ready for action...Yeah my fingers are itching to do some damage too...Snake is always ready and is always the first to get hurt too...yeah OK." Justin spoke on the phone and was even laughing a few times like nothings wrong. He ended the call and I turned to look at him but he was already moving inside our ensuite closet,he got out carrying a big black long duffel bag and a black back pack.
"It's my travel essentials that i need when going into dangerous missions that are out of the country." He says answering my question already knowing it was coming
"How dangerous is this so called mission and which country are you going to?" I ask but doubting that i will get a truthful answer
"It's dangerous but I've probably gone to worse missions than this one,the only difference between the previous ones and this one is that this one is very very personal and i will only rest when i see all the people involved take their last breath in front of me." He answered and shared a little info which is surprising.
His phone rings twice,he looks at it and smiles sadly.
"Tony is waiting outside,I need to go now Kitten. Please behave and be a good girl for me until i come back,For now no more roaming around, no window shopping in malls and no ordering online also." He says giving my forehead and lips a kiss
"I love you Fiance. " He says picking up his bag's
My tears are already threatening to spill and my heart hurts because this feels like a goodbye forever not like the times he would leave and come back.
"I love you too baby,becareful and remember you promised to always comeback to me " I say with a shaky voice trying to be strong.
"I will becareful and I keep my promises sweetheart." He says giving me a quick kiss again and quickly leaving with those bags. He didn't even turn back to look at me when he walked out the door,Matthew closed the door for him after giving me a sympathy smile.
I burst into floods of tears thankful that the room is sound proofed and I can loudly cry to my heart's content.
These are the times where i question myself if this life is for me,the constant worries when his not around,the negative thoughts and the stress that comes with choosing to be with a man who is living a double life. Can my love for him conquer all these questions and negative feelings.
Maybe he is right about me knowing less about his work because if it's exactly like the Mafia movies and documentaries we watch on TV than i doubt if we will make it down the isle together or have that picket fence kind of life with our kids.
I once told him that we'd get a house with a white picket fence, and a dog, and have two kids. Justin jokingly said i have worked too damn hard for a white picket fence kind of life Giana.
And you know that he only calls me by my government name when he is serious about something so it might have seemed like a joke because he was laughing but he was also serious.
If i asked him to give up this life for me and our future together would he do it?. These are some of the unanswered questions that keep me up at night.