You ain't ever gonna fly
No place big enough for holding
All the tears you're gonna cry
Cause your mama's name was lonely
And your daddy's name was pain
And they call you little sorrow
Cause you'll never love again.
" a few months the late Jason Hudson and Ammiano Hudson daughter and model Zora Hudson and Raphael Caspian Son of Donatella Caspian and Andrew Caspian had a an affair and later the two were in a deadly car accident we know Raphael lost his first child with his wife due to the act of the affair later coming out that zora Hudson is currently pregnant with his child talk about homewrecker syndrome " I turn the television off having to use the bathroom for the four times in the last two hours having a hard time making in there with a big belly and caste on my leg these almost five months have been life changing accepting the fact that am carrying twins almost dying knowing the media knows. my image ruined I may never model again john hasn't released my contract but I still never wanna be in the star light again the fact that I feel ashamed that my babies survived the crash and Raphael and bianca's didn't, embarrass that I thought Raphael felt love for me when it's clear it was lust it broke me before the crash happened how he reacted I knew it would've been a positive reaction but I knew I didn't deserve all the blame I don't care about being called a homewrecker because if It was a happy home I should never been able to wreck it anyways, " crap zora why didn't you call me down " Kylie comes down the steps trying to help me to the bathroom she moved with me right after I got out the hospital I stayed for a rough month it wasn't easy " I didn't wanna wake you plus my caste come off this week " I muttered we finally make it to the bathroom getting to the toilet
" you're big ass hell girl they're probably gonna probably have Raphael head " kizzy says laughing making me throw a brush at her " your mom called this morning she sounded worried and she said Raphael stopped by " I honestly don't understand why he would drop by my mom's house he knows I moved I basically had no choice the paparazzi were bad harassing my mom and I decided the mountains would be best it gave me privacy and place to heal and somewhere to think without judgmental eyes I hated myself these five months I was naive to think Raphael had felt anything for me but lust it was karma actually for sleeping with a married man he didn't love me but I still had to have him in my life because the babies we sure it hurt I didn't wanna face him knowing I couldn't place blame on anyone else I had to take some responsibility and that's exactly what I did I told myself I could move on from heartbreak it probably wasn't gonna be my last I was known to be Self-destructive after losing my dad i became aware of more things about myself , I actually thought about killing myself because a man didn't want or love me and that thought scared me myself i hit rock bottom i couldn't recognize myself I wouldn't eat I was depressed I couldn't sleep I I was constantly throwing up I had nightmares about the accident things were bad it was like I lost my dad all over again it was the second time I was in a car accident were I almost died and I felt both of them I were to blame for first being with my dad in his because I was being a brat that day and the second with Raphael I was just plain stupid everything was clear in my face. maybe two months into my pregnancy the depression left I was able to wake up and not felt like I wanted to die Raphael voicemail played a big part in that seeing him in pain not only guilt that he was feeling for the daughter he just had lost and for the accident happening seeing him crying make me realize I was being selfish that he wasn't the only one hurt and grieving that bianca needed him more than I did she had just lost their child they needed to grieve that lost together I know for experience he needed the one he love to be there and that wasn't me so I had to let him go that's what you do for the ones you love you put their happiness before yours I couldn't grieve with him I didn't deserve to after what I had done with him knowing his wife had been pregnant knowing see needed him they needed him and I was being selfish wanting to have him when he wasn't mine to keep I couldn't help him grieve because I currently had the one thing that they just lost I felt disgusted with myself for allowing myself in such situation I knew my father wouldn't approve of his last name deserve better I deserve better treatment then what I had gotten from Raphael it was him who kissed me first we were both at fault and he knew before I did we couldn't have anything other than lust I just wish I knew before I gave him myself because that parts gone forever I don't regret us me and him I regret how it happened knowing he was married wishing I had more self respect and just respect in general I could have saved myself from misery of loving someone one I couldn't have .