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Chapter 20

Glancing to my right I seen Ryder standing there with his hands in his black slacks. Smiling, I carried on speaking to my student. He kept on glaring at me. There was nothing that I could do. She needed help and her hand in date was approaching rapidly. I did nothing but marking and getting all of my students ready the full five days. I only had enough time to eat and get a quick shower. The queue was extending more and more until it was out of the door. I was shifting from my left foot over to my right, I was twiddling my thumbs. Our eyes kept on locking before I would carry on helping my students. I knew that I had a punishment waiting for me because I wasn't being organised and left everything until the last minute. It just works out that it was the day that I had to go to Ryders. Fun!

Half an hour passed by and I was still helping students until I finally got through the queue and walked towards Ryder. He shook his head as a hand landed on my right shoulder. I closed my eyes and breathed in a deep breath. Shit! It was Helena. She talked forever. A lovely woman but not the one I wanted to see on this specific day. I fisted my hands underneath the folders that I was carrying over to the cabinet.

"We have study group tomorrow. I'm hoping that you can help. Ross told me that he wants you to-"

"Erm. Can we talk about this another time, I have places to be." I told her. I didn't want to be arrogant but I really did need to get to Ryder who had slid one finger down the side of his right leg. It was a warning! Three fingers equalled to a punishment and he couldn't hear what was being said between me and Helena. He was standing at the opposite side of the room and that was high up above us.

"Not really Shan. Half of the students didn't understand the PowerPoint today. They need help." Another fuck up on my part. I was that exhausted, I fell asleep and had to put the PowerPoint together last minute. I had sat up the entire night and attended the university on no sleep. You may be wondering how but I was busy marking papers on Sunday night. By the time Monday came, I had four classes of paperwork to get through. I had to print new sheets, arrange three presentations, attend multiple meeting and do this PowerPoint on the Thursday which I fell asleep in the middle of completing. I had been running on no sleep, I was following Ryders schedule and I didn't have any space in the middle to pamper myself. Quick showers were my way moving forwards and to top it off, I had a period during that time. I couldn't cope. Add to that my training that I needed to do to keep my job as a university teacher and sorting through hundreds of emails. I was overwhelmed.

The training sessions were top ups. They included health and safety with first aid and new topics. I had two exams that I had to study for and work that needed to be filled out.

I was confused. I had a three day period which I wrote down in my journal and sent it over to Ryder. I had to complete a sheet each day to tell him about any changes and that was one. I was on the pill so I was left feeling confused. I should have never had a period to begin with but I did.

His second finger dropped down the side of his leg and Helena wouldn't drop it.

"We need you."

"I'm busy. I can't sorry Helena." I apologised and she shook her head. I could see that she was frustrated with me. "That's not good enough Shan. Your students need your help. You should have made damn sure that your PowerPoint made sense before you showed it today. It doesn't. I will be talking to Bill about this because you're not only confusing the students but you've now refused to help them. Your putting them in a bad place. They could lose marks for this!"

"I didn't know. I thought that they would understand it." I try to argue back with her. Why? I didn't know.

"It's obvious that they don't. You could change the outcome by helping them! I don't know what you want them to know but I'm willing to help. This isn't even my class to teach Shan! You know what they need to know. Are your priorities in the correct place?" I shrugged my shoulders. Ryder had reached three fingers and I knew that I had a punishment waiting for me. Thanks Helena, I thought to myself but I felt bad. It was my fault! I took on too much and I was burning it at both ends. I was tired as I turned around and watched Helena walk away in a mood. I couldn't tell her about mine and Ryders agreement. She wouldn't understand it anyway. That's when I twisted around and looked directly at Ryder who turned his head on the side. He was angry with me, everyone was! I was trying to please everyone but by trying to doing that, I was making myself miserable in the process. I sighed. I was trying to hold myself together. Walking to him, I stopped. Shaking his head, he growled.

"I'm disappointed Shannon. You've had me waiting here for almost one hour. Why?"

"My students didn't understand the assignment." I told him honestly. He nodded his head, "organisation. Change the way that you're doing things." I nodded my head. "Yes Master."

I was holding onto my hidden emotions tightly. I felt that grip losen. Nodding my head again, I breathed in deeply. Grabbing my hand, he ragged me against his chest. The folders in my arms creased on the corners. I would need to re-print them off.

"Let's go." He held my hand in a painful grip guiding me to the door. Tears fell down my cheeks and I wiped them away quickly. He didn't notice because he was too focused on getting out of the building. I loved teaching but I was stuck in a bad situation. I was left with three choices and I could only pick one. My job or my fantasies? My job or Ryder? My job or my fears? My job or submission or the freedom of life? I would need to make it and quick before I lost it all.
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