'The Happy Hooker Driver'

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'Lischa'

When I picked Lischa up it was just after 11:00 pm. It is a real chilly night, heavy rain is coming down! This is not the best night to be driving around in. My main concern is that the tires on my Toyota Pickup are pretty worn out, and do not have much tread left on them. I do know that a vehicle can hydroplane on a minimal amount of water. I have done it once before, spun out, and did a three hundred and sixty degree turn on the highway without my seatbelt on. Let me just say that my life did not only flash before my eyes, but it sent out an S.O.S. But I did not learn my lesson, because I still do not like to wear my seat belt.

I am a little bit surprised to see how tiny Lischa is as she is getting into my Toyota Pickup. It takes her two tries as she jousts herself up into the seat. She has to be under five feet tall, but I am not about to insult her by asking. One of my favorite actresses is Salma Hayek; She is tiny, but breathtakingly beautiful. In a slight Spanish accent Lischa says: “Hello, nice to meet you! Jessica talked you up real good. Now, lets get this show on the road, we have a long drive in this crap weather. My Mother is watching my kids, and they will be asleep when I get back home.”

We are headed to New Jersey; It is an hour drive from here. She asks me if I had ever been there before; I tell her that I have relatives there, but that I never see them. At that exact moment, I feel the urge to tell her the story of when I first arrived in Philadelphia. “I would be driving around on the main roads, or on the highway, and begin to notice that the license plates on the other vehicles around me were reading that of The State of New Jersey. It is then, that it clicked for me that I was not only in Kansas anymore, but I was no longer in Philadelphia as well.” Lischa laughed, and said: “I can see how something like that could easily happen, when you are a newbie to the area, it only takes one wrong turn...and anyone can end up in Jersey.” We both laughed at the absurdness of it all! I am enjoying our conversation, Lischa has a very good energy to her.

“I am worried about driving to New Jersey, because my vehicle is not legal to drive right now; My Registration, and Insurance are expired. When I share this piece of information with Lischa, then she states that she has an outstanding Warrant on her for a previous offense of Prostitution, and that we both better be careful, because in Jersey, the cops will pull you over for any reason at all. However, we do manage to make it to our destination around 1:00 am on a wing, and a prayer. The neighborhood which we arrive in seems to be just a regular working class neighborhood, with very dim street lights. There is no where to park my vehicle in front of the house, and so I park my vehicle a few houses down. The Client’s House is white, with a navy blue trim, and door which Lischa very nonchalantly walks right up to. I can not see the person who comes to the door, but she disappears inside, like the house just sucked up her tiny frame.

By this time the rain had settled down somewhat, and it’s tiny droplets have soaked up the street so much so that it glistens like it has diamonds growing out of it. I take that as a sign that things are going to be getting better! In the rear view mirror like a flash of lightening I can see the tiny girl who just five minutes ago got eaten up by the house, now throw something over the top of the roof of the house just as spectacular as a Professional Ball Player would. Next, she comes running up to my vehicle so fast that I had not the time to even unlock her door; She pulls on the door handle so hard that I thought that she would rip it right off! When she gets in, she tells me to get us the fuck out of here as fast as I can! I ask her what happened, that I saw her throw something over the top of the roof of the house. Lischa says: “When I got inside, there were two teenage boys laughing at me; They had called the agency in order to play a prank on us, and so I screamed bloody murder at them about how far that we had to drive to get here...All for a fucking Joke! So, on my way out of their house, I saw a set of keys on a stand by the front door, and grabbed them, then threw them over the roof top!”

“It serves them right”, I say out loud, but in my head I am thinking that I wish that I could be that brave. “What really stinks, and the utter bullshit she said is that we drove all of this way out here for absolutely nothing; Two teenage boys who most likely can’t even get a hard on, and who wouldn’t even know what to do with me if they had me. And we did not make one single dime coming out here either.” I could not believe it; Now I was beginning to get pretty pissed! “You mean that I will not even get reimbursed for my gas...The Agency does not compensate us for our time?” “Yup, that is right, if it is a bad call we pay the price. Screw them and Screw God!” I pretty much agreed with her.

The Idea that I had engrained in my silly head about Pimping and Hooking is starting to look real different to me. The Golden Paper seems not to come so easy, nor in such abundance like I thought that it would. I am supposed to meet up with some guy tonight to drop off the money for the agency from the previous job, but I text Jessica to tell her, that it has been a long, wet, chilly night, and that it was a complete bust! She did not seem to have a problem with me going on straight home, and so that is exactly what I did. Atleast my Mice at home are more consistent with my time.

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