Chapter 19: Two Months Later
I want to say that I behaved at her funeral, but I didn’t. I snapped and I snapped badly. I didn’t snap at our family or close friends it was the others, more so the gossiping women who made a point to talk badly about me around her. I pretty much asked why they are even here they didn’t like her nor knew her. I guess saying it at the gravesite wasn’t kind but hey I wasn’t in the mood to be kind to anyone that day.
I don’t remember much of that day, just that the boys all were crying or screaming wanting their mom, and seeing photo’s of her all over the place really didn’t help nor did they understand, that’s the part that hurts the most they do not understand nor would they have any memories of her. I have made a vow to make sure they will always know who she is, living in this house is so hard I can still feel her around me.
Smell her still only faint I haven’t been able to pack anything of hers away, to be honest, I am happy to have her things still in our room. Not like I am ever going to have another in this room with me. Each child still has a clothing item or something of hers in their room or bed it helps them a little, well that is what I think. One thing I am over is these women coming to my workplace or our house with baked food savory or sweet hoping that they can be the next Mrs. McCarthy really isn’t going to happen, there will only be one.
Only at work part-time I cannot do full time yet, probably won’t be able to until these boys are older or when I can put them into day-care right now, I just cannot bring myself to do that. My dad has moved into the spare room just to help me out during the nights, I made it nights only. I didn’t even want him living here, he forced himself into our house. He said he’s only here until I stop spacing out, I am spacing out less and less but every now and then I find myself missing chunks of time. Mainly at times, even Jamie has opted to spend nights at my house he has tried to sleep in my bed but after I gave him a black eye his happy to sleep on the floor in my room. No one sleeps on her side of the bed unless it’s our boys.
Chad and Paige have made it their mission to help me out whenever they see fit too, I don’t mind but they have twins on the way and don’t need to keep helping me out. Chad insists that if it had been Paige I and Dana would have done the same thing, and yes, he is right we would have. I just don’t like feeling helpless and that is what I am right now helpless without the love of my life here with me.
The twins have now started asking for me when they are upset, which hurts to hear them no longer asking for her. I just hope they do have some sort of memory of her, poor Aidan won’t have any only those three photos we have of him right after he was born, and when we got into the room when we named him. Sadly, I wish we got a family photo of us five together, but I cannot think like that right now.
“Dean are you awake?” My dad asked, I sat up a little bit more in the chair looking at him tiring to figure out what he is on about. “I have been trying to get your attention for the last ten minutes,” Dad said sounding worried, “Fuck sorry dad,” I said, “I’m not going to tell you it will get easier; I know it won’t. But it does get easier to live each day as time goes on.” Dad said I want to scoff but I know that is being rude, “Yeah doubt that will ever happen.” I said, “Now I will be moving back home soon as you need to learn how to live on your own with your boys.” My dad said ignoring what I had said, “I know this day was coming.” I said quietly, “Dean now I know you are going through hell right now. I wish you and the boys never had to go through this but you are. Now when I leave, I need you to get this into your head boy. Those boys need all your attention they have lost one parent don’t make them feel like they have lost both. Now I am not being mean son, life is going to be hard, but when it becomes too hard call me and I will help.” Dad said, “Hard? Are you kidding me right now it’s hell pure fucking hell!” I snapped at him.
“Did you even listen to what I had said, boy?” My dad asked with that tone of voice which is a warning for me, “Sachairi I am nearly forty so stop calling me boy, two I am going to parent those three boys as best I can but right now if I am not at one hundred percent for them, I am sure everyone will understand why!” I said, sounding very aggressive to my own ears, Dad just gave me a warning look, “I will call you boy until I take my last breath you hear me! I know you are doing your best but I want to make sure your” I cut him off, “Dad I am not going to kill myself, wouldn’t do that to those three in there. They have just lost the best mother they could ever have I would never leave them. Sad that they must now deal with my cooking for the rest of their lives living with me.” I said. “You’re much better at cooking than you give yourself credit for son.” Dad said, “You would need to thank her, she taught me so much...” I said trying not to cry again, “You know she’ll most likely start haunting you if you feed those boys burnt or crap food.”
I start laughing so hard, cause all I can hear is her voice yelling at me. As she had threatened this that she would haunt me if she found out I was feeding our children burnt or crap food. God, I think this is the first time I am laughing since she passed. should I be laughing right now? “Son she would want you to be happy, you are allowed to laugh and enjoy yourself you hear me?” Dad said softly, “Yeah, I hear ya dad. Dad?” I asked, “Yes?” He said, “Why did he do this? Why bring her to me for such a short time and forcefully take her away from me?” I asked I have been struggling with this since it happened. “You have lost me, Dean.” Dad said lost, “God, why would this be in his plan taking someone like her away from her loving family? What type of God does that?!” I asked full of anger, “Right now, an evil one is what I am thinking.” My dad said, “Am I being punished for all the hell I have caused?” I asked if my old life was the reason why she was taken from me? “Oh, Dean you had nothing to do with this, nor what you have done in your life. This was a tragedy nothing else.” Dad said softly.
We sit in silence for a long time no need to talk, I know I should try and get some sleep before Aidan wakes up again. I stand up, giving my dad a hand up as well, he pulls me in for a hug before he heads upstairs to his room for the night. I lock up and make sure all the alarms are set still and head-on into our room. I hug her pillow until I go to sleep, life without you b babe is not fun at all.
“Dean wake up, you need to come to the front door!” I hear my dad yelling out, “hmmm I’m up” I call out to him, I climb out of bed looking at dad thinking it is way too early for this crap. I follow him to the front door a delivery man is standing on my porch with a long and wide box leaning on the front seats. I think I need some coffee before I can process what is going on right now, Aidan had a horrible night of feeding and crying. “I need Dana McCarthy to please sign for this,” he said, I closed my eyes, oh fucking hell are you for real right now? “I am sorry to say but that won’t happen. My wife passed away two months ago.” I said quietly, “Oh, shit man I am so sorry, I am happy for you to sign Mr. McCarthy.” he said and him doing that look I have grown to fucken hate, the pitty look. “Sure, thank you,” I told him, I quickly sign for the package, once he left, I take it inside to open it. Placing it on the kitchen benchtop opening it up, looking shocked at what it is. I have completely forgotten that she had ordered these. We had family photo’s taken it had included the whole family, but she ordered a large canvas of the ones of just us and the boy. I look at the photo staring back at me doing my best not to cry.
It’s a photo of her in a green flowing lace style dress that shows off her naked belly with a ring of flowers on top of her head, with me behind her holding on to her belly. The backdrop is the place where I had asked her to marry me behind my dad’s house. The other ones are of us with the twins and the twins by themselves. I start crying this is an amazing gift she has given us a family photo. I am never going to stop loving you, Dana.
**21 years later**
“Dad come on your going to be late!” Aidan calls out, “I am not!” He yells back at me, “Well, Uncle Aaron said for us to be there by ten am it’s a forty-minute drive we are not going to make it!” I called at him, fuck I rather have Uncle Jamie angry at me, not Uncle Aaron he still scares the crap out of me, “Dad if you are not dressed now Seb said good luck cause he’s going to be leaving you here.” Alexander calls out in that sing-song voice of his you know he is up to something, “You know if your mother” Dad started again, “Was here she would have all of us dressed in matching outfits.” Both I and Alexander said at the same time, trying not to laugh. “Hey, you two that is not fair!” Dad called out, “Then stop repeating yourself! We do not have time for this Dad, Auntie Erin will have our ass for this!” Alexander said, car horn going off, crap come on dad we cannot miss this. He comes running out of his room dressed in the suit that Auntie Erin picked out for him. He runs after us into the truck as Seb starts taking of yelling back at dad. “RUN OLD MAN RUN!” Sebastian yells out while laughing, "GET OUT OF MY TRUCK SEBASTIAN!!” Dad yells out, Alexander and I are now laughing, clearly, Sebastian has forgotten that dad can run for an old man in his words.
**To be continued**
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