"So Jake tell me something." Lucifer crossed his arms and leaned against the wall. "Why does she have such a bee in her bonnet about killing me?"
"Maybe because mostly every intelligent living thing on Earth thinks you're a dick?" Dean added unhelpfully. When all the angel's present turned to look at him, Dean held his hands up in a placating manner. "He's the devil, we think he's a dick. That's just the way it is."
"No that's not it." Jake said. "She thinks that there's a conflict of interest. A fallen angel will put Heaven before hell."
"Shut up! She's going to pull you apart piece by piece." Ansem yelled.
Dean picked the syringe and jammed the needle into Ansem's thigh. "Play with that and shut up!" Ansem started screaming.
Raphael sighed then gestured with his hand. Ansem's mouth was open and he was obviously still screaming by only silence came from the devil's trap now. "That's better. Now we can hear ourselves think."
"Tell us more." Michael demanded.
"She thinks hell should rule it all. It should all be some sort of Demon paradise." Jake said. "She doesn't think Lucifer will take it all the way into the endzone for the demons. She thinks you're just using us and when it's all over and done with you're going to turn on the children you created."
"Well most of you are expendable." Lucifer said. "Most demons are stupid and think no farther than the next possession. Most demons are even worse than humans when you get right down to it. Some of you, a small number are worth keeping. You show me something more than the normal evil demon crap, I'll keep you around. Other than that you are nothing more than the proof that I created to show father just how screwed up his precious humans are."
Lucifer looked over at Dean. "Some humans are worth saving. They are better than the rest. They are worthy of father's...interest. The rest like demons should be destroyed."
"Tell us how you really feel." Dean said sarcastically. "Don't sugarcoat it for those of us who might be human."
"See? That's why I like the Winchesters, They're like Don Quixote one and two. Always attacking windmills and too stupid to realize when they can't win." Lucifer said. "Those two stood up to heaven and hell and even infected angels with their stupidity and you know what?"
Jake was glaring at Lucifer.
"They won. Since they were too stupid to know that it was a lost cause, they just kept spurring the horse on, aiming the lance, never giving up and eventually they won." Lucifer said. "Heaven and hell both did everything we could to stack the deck against them and they won."
Lucifer put his arm around Jake and urged him forward to where Ansem bound to the chair was still silently screaming. "Ansem there? Well he's what you'd call chaff, a total waste. He hasn't learned a damning thing. His little pea brain thinks getting into his clothes right side out is an achievement."
Lucifer reached down and pulled out the needle jammed into Ansem's thigh. "You see there's different kinds of stupid Jake. Ansem here is typical demon stupid, kind of like Ruby. You met her right? She's the one that you had to grab her hands every time you ran into her to keep her from grabbing your dick. All she knew in life was some half ass herbal lore and how to spread her legs for anyone she thought could help her claw her way half a rung higher on the social ladder. In the end you know what she got out of her life? A long drop from a short rope and a trip downstairs.
And in all the centuries she had to learn and progress, she still only had one trick in her repertoire. Spread her legs. And Ansem? He still thinks just because he could influence a few weak willed people on Earth, he's something special. He hasn't learned anything. But you Jake? You have potential, you can learn. Live up to your potential and I might keep you around."
"No seriously." Gabriel was saying. "Eventually the entire bible will become obsolete, namely because you've got angels running around like they own the place. They'll get you guys straightened out sooner or later. Although I don't know why you didn't just get it right the first time around. Sometimes I feel like I wasted my breath."
"Wait when all those religious texts talk about Gabriel it was you?" Jody asked.
"Yep, and you know what really pisses me off the most? That you guys don't get it. Dad doesn't care if your a Christian or a Jew; a Muslim or a Buddhist. All he cares about is the fact that you're human, you're his favored creation." Gabriel said. "And you guys are worse than Michael and Lucifer on their worst day with your 'God loves me and hates you' bullshit.
We get through this and I might have to go back to my old job. But you guys still need an updated and correct bible. Chuck has been writing the Winchester Gospel for years. Now Mini prophet here is working on the book of Kevin. Seriously now we should have the book of Jody. You know the guys and you knew Bobby Singer better then anyone other than Sam and Dean."
Sam sipped his beer. "Gabriel are you serious? You want a bunch of hunters writing the bible?"
"Look Sam. Part of the reason this world is in such a mess is the fact that most of Dad's prophets are lets say, not revered for their sobriety. It goes with the territory it's either stay under the influence of mind altering substances or lose your mind. As a result you got these guys writing the most important book in human history and they are all stoned out of their gourds." Gabriel said. "I kind of looked ahead. A thousand years from now Bobby Singer is a saint and the 'church' is more about keeping evil at bay. Seminaries stop teaching how to interpret scripture and replace it with how to kill wendigos. This world is much better off for it. We just have to get through this."
"But if you've seen all this already." Jody asked.
"It's not that simple Jody. You see a few years ago I looked forward and to this time." Gabriel said. "You guys were living in a world where humans were all but extinct, the world was populated by Croats. Michael had gotten his ass spanked by Lucifer and retreated to heaven taking all of the angel's with him save a handful who were naïve enough to think they still had a chance. Everyone was gathered for one last run at Satan. Dean lead all of you to your deaths against my brother, he killed you all."
"You're talking about that future Zachariah stuck Dean in right? Camp Chitaqua, Cas had fallen and was human. And I said yes to Lucifer." Sam said.
"Sam you saying yes to Lucifer is a constant, no matter which time line it is you always say yes." Gabriel explained. "The difference is what happens after you say yes. In some cases Michael took his vessel and killed you. In others you managed to kill yourself. The only difference in this time line than the others, is that you two yahoos watched a really bad porno DVD that turned out to not be a porno at all. Instead it told you how to open the cage. And Michael and Lucifer were kept from killing each other."
"So you changed the outcome of everything that happened?" Jody asked.
"Yep!" Gabriel said. "The ending of the story was written long before Dad thought me into existence. The four of us; Mikey, Luci, Raph and I have known from the moment of our creation that the Winchesters were destined to destroy it all."
"So why?" Sam asked. "I mean when we busted you during that whole TV Land thing you were pretty adamant but then you showed up at the Elysian. You came to pull us out of the fire."
"Lets just say the Author decided to edit his work. He didn't like the way the first draft ended." Gabriel said. "But I don't think Daddy Dearest was expecting all the fall out that came along with the revision.
Everything that's happening now? It's all ad-lib. It can go either way. Either we win or Abaddon does. Odds are pretty much 50/50 unless we learn something from those demons that tips the scales in our favor."
Jody looked down at the spiral notebook and pen sitting in front of her. "If the situation is that bad why should we be writing out our memoirs?"
"Call me an optimist. Besides it will give you something to do while we figure out our game plan." Gabriel said then cocked his ear then stood up "Tell my bros I had to answer a call. I'll be back as soon as I can."
"Who is calling?" Sam asked.