Humor Me


What happens when you upset Petunia Dursley or Harry Potter? Well i suggest that you don't eat or drink while reading. I hear that it's very painful

Humor / Adventure
Stormy Lee
5.0 1 review
Age Rating:

So It Begins

DISCLAIMER – I flicked my wand and said Accio Daniel Radcliff and nothing happened. I flicked my wand a second time and cast a spell to get the rights to Harry Potter and its affiliates and I got a message saying that they were already owned by JK Rowling. Therefore I don't own anything except the plot.

DISCLAIMER 2 – The characters will be very OOC. If you do not like that, then I suggest that you do not read. I do not have time to ease the feelings of each and every flamer because they do not like my story. If you are going to flame, do both of us a favor and move on. I will accept constructive criticism if it is written in a way that doesn't sound like an attack against my intelligence, person, or readers. If you insult my readers, you get a one wand flick to report abuse and then on the blocked list. You have been warned.

NOTE – I am going to try a humorous story. I hope that you all get a laugh out of it. The idea actually came to me when I was sleeping believe it or not. I actually woke up laughing. Therefore I am putting it to paper. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

SUMMARY – This story will contain a good Petunia Dursley. The rest of that family will still be shit heads. This story will contain cursing. It contains a powerful, but independent Harry. There will be serious accidental pranks on professors and Dumbledore. Not too much bashing, but I will throw in some of them from time to time. The ones I will mainly target are Snape, Ron, Molly, Dumbledore, Fudge, Vernon, Dudley, and on occasion, Minerva. Ok I lied. There will be some seriously funny shit going on in this story.

Chapter 1 – So It Begins

Harry was in his room at Number Four Privet Drive. He was stretching as he got out of bed. He smiled as he looked out of his window. Morning was his favorite time of the day. With morning came new adventures. Harry was an intelligent ten year old child. He knew all about his heritage as Petunia refused to hide it from him. Vernon tried repeatedly to cause him damage only to be met by the rage in his wife after each attempt. Strange things happened to Vernon or Dudley when they attempted to harm Harry. Throughout it all, Harry was well behaved and well mannered. Petunia made sure that he has a good upbringing with all the manners that went with growing up. His teachers loved him as he was a quiet and respectful child who excelled in his studies.

"Harry, hurry up and come down before your breakfast gets cold," called Petunia from the bottom of the stairs. "You can get dressed after you eat. We have a full day ahead of us and I would like to get started soon. I will need your help as I know I can depend on you to do it."

Harry grinned and raced out of his room. He loved his Aunt. She was his protector from Vernon and Dudley. He raced down the stairs and hugged her before the two of them entered the dining room. He was met by a glare from his Uncle.

"So you are still here freak?" asked Vernon gruffly. "You do not know how lucky you are that your Aunt loves you so much. Were it my decision you would have been drowned at birth. We should never have been strapped with you and your freakish ways. I do not like you and one day you will slip up and I will make sure that you are ruined. Do you hear me boy?"

Petunia looked at Vernon furiously and then backhanded him across the mouth.

"That is my blood you are talking about," she snarled. "He has more manners than that tub of lard we call a son. If I hear one more comment like that out of your mouth I will belt you with a frying pan. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes Petunia," said Vernon. "I don't understand why you love the boy so much, but I will leave him alone."

"See that you do," she snapped. "Harry could you finish the bacon. I have to go and get your cousin out of bed. I don't know why he insists on laying about like a lump."

"Sure Aunt Petunia," chirped Harry. "It looks almost done so I will start putting it on the plate. I will start the eggs after. Are we going somewhere for Dudley's birthday?"

"We are taking him to the zoo," said Petunia leaving the room. "I will be right back. One way or another I will get his arse out of bed."

Petunia left the room to get Dudley. While she was gone, Harry began to put the bacon on the plate. When he was done with that, he started the eggs while waiting. Vernon sat there with a calculating look on his face.

"You think you are such a hot shot, do you?" he asked quietly. "You are nothing but a freak and you will end up the same way as your dead beat freaky parents."

"My parents were not freaks," said Harry angrily. "They are heroes and deserve the honor and respect for their part in the war. Remus told me all about their sacrifice for the wizarding world and I will not let you abuse their name. You are just jealous that they were someone important and you aren't."

"What are you going to do?" asked Vernon smiling evilly. "Your Aunt is not here to protect you at the moment. I am going to smack the hell out of you and if you tell her that I did, I will make sure that the next time that we are alone that we make sure you not speak permanently."

Vernon got up and headed for Harry. What he didn't know was that Petunia was in the doorway. She overheard and saw everything that was going on. She was waiting to see what would happen next. Vernon approached Harry and raised his hand to hit him.

"Oh shit," said Harry covering his head and face.

At that moment a strange look passed across Vernon's face and a disgusting smell filled the room. Vernon looked at Harry with a horrified look on his face and then ran from the room. As he passed Petunia, she slapped him in the back of his head as a reminder that he was not to hurt Harry.

"What just happened?" asked Harry. "I apologize for my language, but I don't understand what just happened."

"It would seem that you used accidental magic," said Petunia. "Your Uncle got what he deserved for going against my wishes and trying to hit you. It would appear that when you went to protect yourself, you said 'Oh shit" and that is what happened. Uncle Vernon shit in his pants. I am sure he is up in the shower right about now cleaning his trousers because of the accident. That ought to teach him a lesson about trying to abuse a wizarding child. Then again we are talking about your Uncle and that man is as stubborn as I have ever seen them. He better wash his pants or he will find them just as he leaves them. I am tired of warning him about attempting to harm you. Thank you for cooking the eggs. Dudley will be down in a moment. He was choosing his outfit."

"So what time are we going to the zoo?" asked Harry placing the bacon and the eggs on the table. "I really like the reptile house. I love talking to the snakes. They are such fascinating creatures. Can I get one as a pet for my birthday?"

"You mean when you do that freaky thing when you start hissing at them?" asked Dudley interrupting the conversation. "What a freak. You should be locked up in the loony bin for that."

"Shut the hell up Dudley," said Petunia. "If you say one more word, I will leave you at home and Harry and I will go to the zoo without you."

Dudley looked horrified at the thought of it. He quickly snapped his mouth shut and looked down at his plate. He remembered past experiences when he did something harmful to Harry. The punishments were severe. He did not want a repeat. He remembered the time that Dudley went to hit him and found his self lying in a puddle of urine from the homeless guy in the neighborhood.

Later, the family of four was in the car heading to the zoo. They would eat lunch at one of the many restaurants that were in the zoo itself. As usual Dudley was being his bratty self. Petunia and Harry ignored him and went to the reptile house where Harry spoke with some of the snakes when no one was around. He translated for Petunia when she wanted to know something. Dudley was complaining about something and kept banging his fist on the glass. Harry sighed and then was stunned as the glass disappeared and Dudley was thrown off balance and fell in. When he was recovered from the cell, he was given a stern lecture about disrupting the peace and quiet of the reptiles by the keeper. From there, he received a severe tongue lashing from Petunia who promised retribution when they got home.

After the fun was over, they went home. Harry went to his room to read and Dudley sat in front of his TV and played one of his new games. Petunia took the game away and sent him to his room as punishment for his behavior at the zoo.

Harry's birthday came and with it some new gifts. He got some new clothes and a new backpack from Petunia. From Remus he got a photo album that had pictures of his mum, dad, and godfather in it. Mrs. Figg baked him a cake. He really enjoyed his art pad and pencil set. Harry was quite skilled at sketching.

All to soon, his Hogwarts letter arrived and Harry was excited. He showed his letter to Petunia who sat with Harry in the dining room.

"Pay attention to what I am about to tell you," said Petunia. "We are not sure why, but the magic in your mother's side of the family is very picky about who it wants to carry the gift. Lily was the first in quite some time to actually have the gift. I am a squib. That means that I have a magical family, but I do not carry the gift myself. I knew from the start that you would carry the gift mainly because of your father James. The Potter family is a very old one from what I am to understand. They were and still are very prominent. You are the last of the Potter line. That means that eventually you will carry the title of Head of House. I will take you to Diagon Alley tomorrow to get all of your supplies and a pet. We can make it a day for just the two of us."

"I would love to see what kind of things I can learn," said Harry. "Will I be a good wizard Aunt Petunia?"

"Harry," she said with a smile. "You are a straight A student. You will be a very good wizard. Your mother and father were followers of the Light. I have no doubt that once you start learning what you need to learn, you will be a VERY powerful wizard. Lily and James were both very talented in what they did."

That afternoon, Harry was working in the garden. It was a favorite pass time of his and he enjoyed working with the plants. He was currently working under the oak tree when Vernon snuck up on him.

"What do you think you are doing?" asked Vernon trampling the flowers. "Oh dear, you have ruined your Aunt's flowers. She is not going to be happy with you now is she? It is time to get a little pay back for your episode recently. I am going to beat the piss out of you and you will not tell your Aunt a thing or it will be worse on you the next time."

Harry squeaked in fright and backed up. He noticed that all of the flowers that he was fixing to plant were indeed ruined. He started backing up in fright at the look that passed over Vernon's face.

"Dudley, where is your father?" asked Petunia. "He was sitting here a moment ago. I needed to tell him something."

"He went outside to beat on Harry," said Dudley not looking away from his video game. "He told me to stay inside and out of the way. He said something about teaching the freak a lesson that will get him into trouble with you."

What Dudley didn't realize was that he just got his father into trouble. Had he not been concentrating on the game, he would have tried to cover for his father. As it was, he was so engrossed in his game that he spilled the beans on his own father and didn't even notice. Petunia smirked at her son as she headed to the back yard.

Meanwhile, Vernon had removed his belt and was fixing to hit Harry when the hose encircled the large man like a python and lifted him into the tree where it looped around a tree branch effectively tying him in place. Harry stared in awe at the sight before him before he tentatively started working with the ruined flowers to see if he could salvage any of them.

"Harry, where is your Uncle?" she asked coming into the back yard to see a tear filled child cradling broken blossoms. "Dudley said he was coming out here to hurt you and to get me to be angry with you."

Harry didn't answer at first. She knelt next to him and took the broken plant out of his hands.

"Harry," she said kindly. "I know that you did not do this. Your cousin told me that he was going to pull a stunt. All I need to know is where is Vernon? I am not upset with you. We will plant the ones that can be fixed and then get some more."

Harry took a deep breath and then pointed up into the tree. Petunia looked up and gasped in amazement. Vernon was trussed up like a pig on a spit that was ready to be roasted over an open fire. The belt that Vernon was going to use had wrapped itself in his mouth and around his head to effectively keep him from saying anything. She took in the sight of the hose wrapped around his massive body and pinning him to the branch of the tree. Finally she couldn't help herself. She burst out laughing. She sat back on her bottom and held her sides as she laughed long and hard at the predicament that her husband had gotten his self into. She laughed so hard that tears were falling from her eyes. When her laughter was over with, she looked up at her husband.

"You can just stay like that until we can figure out how to get you down," she said. "I have warned you to leave him alone. Maybe this time you will finally get the hint. When you finally do get down, I can guarantee that you will hear more abut this. I will be going into your personal funds and taking money to replace the flowers that you ruined. Dudley told me you were planning a stunt and now that I see what you did, you will pay for it."

With that being said, she and Harry worked side by side on the rest of the flowers and cleaned up the yard. That evening Dudley looked around for his father.

"Where is dad?" he asked. "I have not seen him since early this afternoon."

"He is tied up at the moment," said Petunia fighting back laughter. "He will join us when he can."

She could not help it. She left the room and Harry and Dudley could hear laughter coming from the den. When Petunia had herself under control, she reentered the dining room and completed her meal. She left a plate of food on the table for Vernon and then went to bed. Harry entered his room and got ready for bed. He fell asleep remembering the sound of his Aunt's laughter. Somewhere around midnight, a thud sounded in the back yard as the hose and belt released Vernon. The man lay on the ground winded as he tried to get his lungs under control. When he got his body under control, he headed to the back door and found that it was locked. He went around to the front of the house and found that it was also locked. He angrily started beating on the door.

About that time, a cop appeared and began to question the man.

"Sir what are you doing out here at this time of the night?" he asked. "Why are you disturbing the residents of this home."

"Trying to get into my house," snapped Vernon. "I will thank you to mind your own business and leave me alone."

The officer was not impressed with Vernon's attitude. He and Petunia were high school friends and knew of Vernon and his attitude. He tried once more.

"Sir," he said. "I am going to have to insist that you tell me what is going on. I can not allow you to disturb the peace."

"That little freak that lives with us used his hocus pocus to tie me up in the tree," snapped Vernon. "All in want is to get back into the house and take a shower. I am going to knock the stuffing out of that freak if it is the last thing that I do."

"Did you just call a resident of this house a freak and threaten to hit him?" asked the officer angrily. "Is that what I just heard you say?"

"Yes I did," yelled Vernon. "My wife will not be able to protect him forever. When I get my hands on him he will be sorry he was ever born. I will beat him senseless and then pitch him in the nearest orphanage."

"You are under arrest," said the officer grabbing Vernon and roughly slamming him to the ground. "You will be charged with disturbing the peace, possible child abuse, possible child endangerment, and vagrancy. I am going to need to see some identification."

"I don't have any," said Vernon. "It is in the house. Please just wake my wife up and get it from her."

"You will spend the night in jail," said the officer placing the cuffs on Vernon. "These people can bail you out in the morning if they are your family."

With that Vernon was arrested and taken to the local jail house. Petunia, Harry, and Dudley slept soundly without any knowledge of the altercation. The next morning, Petunia left Dudley with Mrs. Figg and took Harry shopping for his school supplies. When they got to Diagon Alley, both Petunia and Harry, had eyes as big as saucers.

"First we need to go to a place called Gringotts," said Petunia. "Your mother said in her will, that you have a trust fund set up to pay for your tuition and supplies. When you turn fifteen you will receive the rest of your inheritance. From what I am to understand it is a sizable one too. My family was wealthy, but the Potters were beyond wealthy."

Together Harry and Petunia made some inquiries and then made their way to Gringotts. Once there, they were met by a goblin.

"My name is Griphook," said the goblin. "How may I help you today?"

"My name is Harry Potter and this is my Aunt Petunia Dursley," said Harry. "I need to get some money from my trust fund for my school supplies. We were told that this is the building where my vaults are."

"Ah yes," said Griphook. "Young Lord Potter. Right this way please. Do you have your key?"

"I have it," said Petunia opening her purse and pulling it out. "It was sent to me after Lily and James died. There was something written in the letter about Albus Dumbledore trying to get his hands on the key."

"That was a big mess," said Griphook. "It seems that Head Master Dumbledore was trying and is still trying to get his hands on the Potter and Evans family fortune. As I am sure you are aware Mrs. Dursley, the Evans family fortune was split between you and your sister. Your half was sent to the muggle world while Lily Evans Potter's was left here."

"Yes I know all of that," said Petunia kindly. "I have been caring for Harry since Lily died. I know he has a fortune in this place."

"Young Lord Potter is probably one of the wealthiest people in the wizarding world," said the goblin. "I will personally be overseeing his accounts for you. Have you been receiving the statements that I have been sending?"

"No we have not," said Petunia. "I have never laid eyes on a statement of Harry's accounts."

"Not to worry," said the goblin. "I will provide you with one before you leave. I will also send a representative out to your home to make sure that there is no ward or spell preventing you and Lord Potter from receiving mail from the bank. If there is, we will take care of it and we will deal with the offending party for you."

"Thank you," said both Harry and Petunia.

"Aunt Petunia," said Harry. "I didn't know you were rich."

"Your Uncle works in a business that you and I own each a half of," said Petunia with a smirk. "We had him hired so that he could get out of my face five days a week. The man really is a bore and I am rapidly losing my patience with him."

"So that is why you are not all that worried about my bouts of accidental magic," mused Harry. "It is a way for you to get some kind of payback on him."

"Right in one," said Petunia. "I think it is hilarious. It serves the fat bastard right. Despite what your Uncle says, I and my sister loved each other very much and I was saddened by the deaths of her and James. James always made me laugh. When they died, I made sure that it was known that I would be totally responsible for your care and upbringing."

Harry smiled as the two made their transaction with the bank. From there, the duo left to go shopping. They entered Flourish and Blotts and bought all of Harry's school books as well some extra books for on the side study. After that, they went to the apothecary to buy all of his potions supplies. After that, they made their way to Madam Malkin's to buy his school robes. Harry convinced Petunia to buy herself a new dress. From there, they got the rest of Harry's school supplies. After that they went to the pet store where Harry bought a snowy owl, a kitten, and a snake along with the proper carrying cases for each. The snake slithered up his arm and wrapped himself around Harry's neckline.

"What are you going to name them?" asked Petunia getting food and such for the animals.

"I think I will name the owl Hedwig," said Harry looking at her thoughtfully. "I will name the cat Spook because she is black. I think I will name the snake Venom. That is an awesome name for a snake."

"Just remember that you are responsible for their upkeep," she said smiling. "Not that I am worried. You have always been a very responsible child. Shall we go and get your wand now?"

Harry happily agreed with her and together they entered the wand shop. Mr. Ollivander came around the corner and stood there in front of Harry.

"Hello Mr. Potter," he said cheerfully. "I was hoping that I would see you soon. Your mother and father were some very fine people. Their wands were very good ones. It was a shame that they were not recovered after the attack."

"Hello Sir," said Harry. "This is my Aunt Petunia. I would have loved to receive my mum and dad's wands. Maybe one day someone will find them and be able to return them to me."

"That would be a good thing," said Ollivander. "Now, how about we get you one of your own? Try this one first. It is maple with a dragon heart string. All you have to do is give it a wave and see what happens."

Harry took the wand and waved it. At first they didn't think anything happened until Petunia felt a breeze behind her.

"It would appear, that he caused your window to disappear," said Petunia with a smile.

"No worries," said Ollivander waving his own wand and replacing it. "Things like that happen all the time. That wand is obviously the wrong one. How about you try this one? It is made of oak wood with unicorn tail."

Harry waved the wand and Ollivander's clothes disappeared. Petunia sat in the chair laughing. Ollivander quickly conjured himself some clothes and grabbed another wand.

"This one is willow with unicorn hair," said Ollivander handing him another wand.

Harry waved it and all of the shelves collapsed. Petunia was really having a hard time not rolling around in laughter. This was the funniest things she has ever witnessed.

"Tricky customer aye," said Ollivander waving his wand and repairing the damage. "How about we try this wand? It is holly and phoenix feather."

Harry waved it and red and gold sparks flew out of it. He knew that this was the wand that belonged to him.

"There you have it," said Ollivander. "That is the wand for you. You will be a powerful wizard Mr. Potter. I do not need to tell you that you are destined for greatness. I do not want to inflate your ego, but I am sure we can expect great things from you. Your wand is one of the most powerful ones that I have ever created."

"Thank you Sir," said Harry. "I plan on studying hard and doing well in school. Aunt Petunia says that both my parents were very good at magic and I want to live up to their standard."

"That they were," said Ollivander. "The both of them were very talented. They both died as a hero. I was saddened by their loss. They stood up to the Dark Lord and even in death they were victorious."

Harry paid for his wand and a wand holster and then left the shop. He and Petunia ate at a nice restaurant and then they headed for home.

"Thank you for coming with me today Aunt Petunia," said Harry as he set his books carefully on his desk. "I can't wait to look in these books and see what they have to teach me."

"It is my pleasure to have taken you," she replied. "I wonder where your Uncle is."

Just then the phone rang. Petunia answered it and after a few moments, she hung up.

"Well that answers that," she said. "Harry, why don't you start reading your course books while I go and get your Uncle? Apparently he was arrested last night on multiple charges. I have been asked to go and speak to the officers. I will return in a few hours. If I am running late, can you make something for dinner?"

"Anything in particular?" he asked.

"What ever you feel like cooking," she said as she opened the door. "I shall return later with or without your Uncle."

Harry smiled at her and went upstairs to start reading his books.

The days flew by. It took Petunia a few days to get Vernon out of jail. He was placed on probation and was told that if they got any complaints about anyone in the household being abused that he would receive jail time. Mean while Harry was reading his schoolbooks. He was eager to start learning how to do some of the spells. He breezed through his books with ease. He had always enjoyed reading and learning came easy to him.

Albus Dumbledore was not having a good time of things. He had been carefully monitoring the home on Privet Drive. Bouts of accidental magic flared up frequently there. He had monitors on the location that the Ministry knew nothing about. More than once, he was summoned over the years to rescue either Vernon or Dudley from Harry's magic. Then one day the monitors stopped working. He was not sure what had happened. He also was looking at Harry's account statements when they suddenly disappeared from his hand. He went to Privet Drive to find out that all of the wards and spells he had placed on the property were gone. He did knot know what was happening. He knew that it was time to call in reinforcements. With that, he summoned Severus into his office.

"We have to figure out what to do about Harry Potter," said Albus. "That boy has been a thorn in my side from the get go. He was supposed to be a meek and quiet little boy. Every time I have tried to access his vaults, the goblins throw me out. The last time I was told that if I tried it again they would shave my head and beard. Petunia loves the boy and treats him well. He is due to start school. You are to make sure his life is a miserable as possible here. I need him under our control to make sure that when the time comes, he can face Voldemort. We need him to be the perfect weapon. I can't do that if he is too independent. It could ruin everything that I have worked so hard for."

"Do not worry Albus," said Severus. "I will do my part and make sure that they boy has no happiness when he is near me."

"Thank you Severus," said the aged wizard. "I have done my best, but someone has gone behind me and undone everything that I have set up. I am no longer getting statements from his accounts. We have to get the boy to trust only us and no one else or our plans will be for nothing."

"Are you sure that the boy is the key?" asked Severus. "I am sure that we can do this with some other child."

"Harry Potter is the key," said Albus. "It has to be him. We have to work him to our way and quickly. I am currently working on keeping Vernon Dursley out of prison. Petunia is most insistent that her husband leave the boy alone. In that aspect we have failed. Vernon was supposed to abuse the boy and bring his moral down. He failed. I have posted Arabella Figg in the neighborhood to make reports on Harry and his progress and she is not doing so. She refuses to tell me anything other than that the boy is intelligent and gifted."

What neither wizard knew was that Hogwarts was listening to their conversation. Being a sentient creature, she was not happy with what the two men were plotting.

"So you think you will play with the child of the four huh?" she thought. "I don't think so. You will not play your games with another child. I will step up and defend this one."

AUTHOR'S NOTE – I hope that you enjoyed this. I wanted to make people laugh for once. So I tried something funny. Let me know if I should continue or not. Thanks

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