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Why must I die?

By RoseBadwolf1000

Humor / Adventure


This chapter is a re-upload. This is a far better beta'd version. Thanks to Malcan for Beta-ing by the way. Now to the copy/pasting of the original A/N! :D


Hey, I'm trying out something new here. I'm outlining a story to be a multi-chapter fic. If it works, awesome. If it doesn't, I'll go back to writing one shots. No big deal. Hope you enjoy!


Kenny sighed. He was bored, and these Coon and Friends meetings were doing nothing to help the city. He decided to make an announcement, standing to get everyone's attention. "Friends, I have decided two things. We should let the Coon go, as this is his house, but ban him from being a part of Coon and Friends." There was discussion, but in the end it was agreed upon.

After Cartman was let out of the cage, Mrs. Cartman dragged him upstairs and sat him down in front of the TV to watch Terrance and Phillip.

The group sat back down at the table. Stan became puzzled. "Hey Kenny-"

"Call me Mysterion." Stan rolled his eyes, and continued.

"Mysterion, what was your other decision?" The others murmured, curious as well now. They had forgotten about the second decision, busy with their own pretend double lives.

Kenny sighed again. He had hoped they had missed the slip up. The last thing he wanted was to get into this again. "That is not important."

Stan rolled his eyes, and said, "Yes it is. We are a team, and we need to work together."

Kenny face-palmed, and sighed for the third time that night. Honestly, why did he even bother? "Alright, but you guys will think I'm nuts." The others chuckled, but Kyle sighed. 'Kenny's probably going to go on about how he thinks he can't die again,' he thought.

Kenny stood up and turned away from the group. "I want to figure out why I can't die." Some of the group gasped, and some face-palmed. The first section included those like Token (who hadn't yet witnessed the 'I can't die' routine), while the second included those like Kyle (who had experienced the main rants about how much it hurt).

"Dude, you can die." Kyle's tone had come out more antagonistic than he intended, but maybe Kenny needed this harshness to bring him back to reality. Kenny turned around, glaring at Kyle.

"Human Kite, I've talked about this multiple times! You've seen me die-" Kyle stood up there and abruptly began a shouting match.

"No I haven't! No one has! And if we have, why don't we remember?!"



They were face to face, standing on the table. Sensing a fight would soon break out if they were left to continue, the others started standing up to separate them. Kenny backed out of the guys' reach, while Kyle embraced it.

"Guys, I'm tired. I'm gonna go to bed." With that line, Kenny pulled out a gun and shot himself. The last things he heard was, "Oh my god, she killed Kenny!" and "You bastard!" They sounded way too traumatized to possibly forget... Right?

Kenny woke up to sunlight shining on his face through his threadbare curtains. 'Morning?' He checked the calendar and clock in his room. It was a Monday, and 6 in the morning. He sighed and got ready for school. He woke up Karen at 7, and handed her his last bit of money for lunch. He also handed her their last pop-tart. He and Kevin could go without breakfast today.

At school, Kenny got chewed out by his friends for leaving their meeting early. He just continued on, mumbling something random into his hood. It wasn't like anyone would pay too much attention, just giving smiles and nods in response. He sighed as he sat in his desk.

Not in the mood to deal with school, he sketched random drawings. One of Mr. Garrison, Kyle, Stan, Karen, the class room, Butters, and some other stuff. Anything he could think of that wouldn't encourage nightmares.

While he was sketching in his notebook, Mr. Garrison put up math problems, along with homework. Kenny hadn't looked up long enough to even acknowledge writing on the blackboard, so Butters handed him a note saying what the homework was. Kenny smiled at the boy. He was so innocent and kind. Kenny mumbled his thanks, and Butters gained a bigger smile.

After school, Kenny and the others went to Coon and Friends Headquarters. He pulled the same suicidal stunt as the day before. Maybe with enough persistence, he would burn it into their brains.

After he woke up that night, in his bed, he put on his Mysterion outfit. He visited Karen and heard about her day in a guardian angel fashion, before going out and stopping some minor crimes downtown. He eventually got killed in a drunk driving accident, but who cared, really? No matter what awful pain his body went through, he barely felt a thing anymore.

He woke up the next morning, same time as yesterday. He went and scanned the shelves for something to give to Karen. He found an egg. He cooked it up, and her smile made his day. "Thank you Kenny! I haven't had a cooked breakfast in ages!" He gave her a hug and walked her to school, almost feeling like he was worth something.

At school, a nearly identical occurrence happened with science as it did with math the previous day. Butters was kind enough to share the homework with him, and he did it right before the day was done. Since they didn't have a Coon and Friends meeting, Kenny asked Butters to hang out. They chatted as Kenny walked Karen home, and then they just hung out at the park. It was a nice change of pace for him.

That next day, Mysterion made an appearance in the news by stopping a gunpoint robbery. Kenny had only been making a list of the Graffiti outside, but then the robbery started, and he couldn't just stand by! He went inside and returned the money, but got shot when one of the robbers fired their weapon. He was proclaimed a hero and promised a memorial, but strangely enough, that part of the program was lost to a camera malfunction, never to be recorded. After his resurrection, he went to the Coon and Friends base, finding all of the heroes already there. Kenny explained the day's events (leaving out his death), but apparently the universe had already rewritten the script. Sick of accusations of "just trying to upstage Mint-Berry Crunch", he simply sighed and apologized. "I just want to sleep" were his final words before shooting himself through the head once more.


I hope you enjoyed, and I will, once this is done, post the original chapters so you know how much they needed the beta! Here is the original AN!

-original here we come!-

Hope you enjoyed! Next chapter is just Kenny video tapes his death, with some minor edits.

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