Star Wars Vaders Sister
Star wars: Vader’s sister
By Chris Troman
“In a galaxy not so far away” grumbled Ted, to his best mate Ralph as they passed through the foyer of the movie theater. “What do you mean?” said Ralph, taking a sidelong look at Ted’s smart phone, as he called up an image of Skellig Michael Island. “Recognize it?” enquired Ted, and to his satisfaction, his friend’s eyebrows rose as he read the caption. “So they went on location, so what?” said Ralph. Ted rounded on him, and almost knocked a large coke out of the hand of a passing woman.
“If you’d spent more time watching the History Channel instead of playing on your Xbox, you’d know that Skellig Michael Island was where the monks went when the dark ages began, to preserve the last remnants of civilization.” The full comprehension was spreading over Ralph’s face as Ted pressed on, “And another thing, what about uncle Luke.” Ralph paused at the door to the burger joint they were entering, “Who?” Ted explained, exasperated that Ralph had not picked up on the reference. “Oh come on, don’t say you didn’t realize Rey is the twin sister of Ben, also known as Kylo Ren. Those skywalkers sure cause a lot of trouble with their tendency to have twins.” He took his place at the front the queue and gave their order. Then as they waited he mused, “I wonder where Vader’s sister got to?” The assistant handed over the tray, and they found a booth to discuss the special effects of the film.
Saturday morning, Ted woke with a crazy plan in his head, half dreamt and half considered during the night while he was too hot to sleep. He reached for his phone, and soon a bleary-eyed Ralph stared back at him through the tiny screen. “You want to do what?” the other lad enquired incredulous of Ted’s demands. “I said we should go to Skellig Michael island. We could get a coach to Holyhead, take a ferry across to Ireland, and head overland to the west coast. I bet we could get someone to carry us over to Skellig from there.”
So with considerably lighter bank accounts, the two intrepid film buffs stood on the west coast of Ireland, in the marina of Portmagee. Putting the next phase of their plan into action, which was to find themselves a guide. There were not many boats in the little bay, but after looking around for a while they found one that seemed to fit the bill.
It was a run-down schooner called the Wind Dancer and the captain, a wizened old man, who was ever ready to cash in on fans like Ted and Ralph, had hung a sign on the front of his boat renaming it the Millennium Falcon. When the captain saw the friends approaching he called out, “Might you two lads be want’n a passage to Skellig Michael by any chance?” This ship’ll do the Kessel run in twelve parsecs”, he hollered with a toothless grin, sounding as welcoming as he could.
The two lads looked at each other, there seemed to be no other choice. So after a brief haggle Ted and Ralph stood on the prow, as the craft cut through the waves to their destiny. Old Ben, as their guide called himself, soon had his boat tied to the wharf, and was busy informing the two boys of the week the film crew spent clambering over the island. Looking for just the right spot for the final scene. “And I suppose you lads will be wanting to go up and see the very spot”, Ted nodded enthusiastically, slowly losing steam as the elderly guide informed them, “I’m too old to get up there these days, but you lads go scampering off and I’ll see you back here in an hour.” He eyed them with a look that said they were on their honor.
Thwack, Ralph slapped Ted on the back and marched off, shouting over his shoulder “last one up is a Nerf herder.” Ted soon caught him up and got a feeling of deja vu as they proceeded up the steep slope. Ralph couldn’t help shouting, “Prepare for light speed” as they jostled for lead position. Panting for breath they hit the top and looked about. “Hey this must be where Luke was stood”, exclaimed Ted and then he bent down. Ralph came over to see what he’d found, and Ted held up a small piece of metal, like a space age flash drive. “Look a piece of film memorabilia, I bet we could sell it on EBay”. So positioning his friend, the lad ordered Ralph, “take a photo of me with it here, and then we’ll do a close up.” With that done he pocketed their prize, and after a few selfies and a quick air light saber fight, they descended again.
“I got to thinking you’d not come down” the old man jokingly chided the two boys, who were clearly within the time limit. So depositing the agreed amount in his wrinkled hand, the three soon headed back to the main land. Waving goodbye, the two lads headed back to the bus station. “In here first” indicated Ralph, pointing to a local shop, “Supplies for the journey home, I’m starving.”
With a basket full of pop and pasties Tom got his card out to pay, only to be treated to a tirade of abuse in Gaelic, not directed at him, but to the new electronic card reader. “And what’s a death star” the assistant finished in English. “That’s all right I’ve brought some Euros just in case” cut in Ralph. Resorting to manually adding up their goods she completed the transaction with “have a nice day”, a bit sarcastically thought Ted as they exited the shop, But when he got out side Ralph was nudging him conspiratorially.
“What’s up with you?” Ted asked confused by the whole episode. “It’s the chip, it must be interacting with the contactless pay thing by blue tooth,” said Ralph. “Get your phone out.” So in an ancient street of an obscure Irish village, Ted switched on his blue tooth and gasped with amazement. “Look at my contact list” he exclaimed, as he showed Ralph the screen. The other lad looked up astonished. “Jedi one, well click on it” he blurted out, and Tom coming to his senses complied. The two boys stared down on what looked like Christmas come early.
“It’s a death star”, gasped Ted. “No it’s not”, came Ralph’s dejected reply. “It’s a map of the earth, see there’s Britain.” He touched the screen zooming in, and navigating his way down, found the island they had just been on, with a tiny inscription beside it, final scene #327. They shrugged shoulders and Ted completed Ralph’s thought, “It must be a shooting schedule, I bet someone will be wanting it back, a bit of memorabilia like that won’t be cheep to make.” Subdued they turned towards the bus station, but youth cannot be kept down long, and by the time the coach arrived they were busy reminiscing the day’s adventure.
Safely on their way home they tucked in to their feast, then Ralph decided to take a nap, while Ted studied his phone for film locations. About an hour in to the journey, Ralph was unceremoniously shaken awake by a very excited Ted. “You’re not going to believe what I’ve just found out”, and he thrust his phone at the blurry-eyed boy. Ralph could just make out what seemed to be the sea near the Caribbean. “It’s the Bermuda Triangle” Ted informed him, “but look at the inscription.” Ralph focused on the words, main focus lens; he looked up at his friend, perplexed.
Almost exasperated at Ralph’s failure to realize the import of this find Ted continued. “It must be a Death Star type weapon, I bet that’s why ships and planes go missing there, they must be firing it when they pass over”, and he imitated an explosion. “I found an entrance in Iceland, I wonder if that’s where Jules Verne got the idea for journey to the center of the Earth, but it was near that Eyjafjallajokull volcano. I think it may have been buried in 2010, but don’t worry.” He paused until Ralph’s curiosity got the better of him, “Well tell me”, Ralph blurted out. With a conspiratorial grin Ted revealed his piece de resistance, “There’s an exhaust port on the island of St Kilda in the north of Scotland.” He let the news sink in for a moment, then taking out his National Express time table Ted asked Ralph, “Shall we board our X wings for an attack run?”
By the time they stepped off the ferry in Holyhead, Ted and Ralph had a plan. By pooling their resources they could just about afford the trip to St Kilda Island. “It’ll clear out all my savings “admitted Ted. “But you don’t go on a mission for the rebel alliance every day” countered Ralph, and with the resolve of true fans they purchased the coach ride to the far north of Scotland.
Staring out of the coach window Ralph grumbled, “First Skellig Michael, then the isle of St Kilda, I think this saga of ours is a bit on the wet side. I thought most location scenes in the films were in nice warm deserts.” “What about Kamino?” replied Ted. Then they stared once more from the window at all the Pac-a-mac clad pedestrians, all in identical white. The boys got a few odd stares themselves, when they took the seaplane to the island, but when Ted told the pilot they were studying farming he seemed satisfied. So off they marched following the directions on Ted’s phone.
As they moved nearer their goal, he zoomed in more until. “There between those rocks”, he pointed out a wisp of steam emitting from the crevice, and they clambered in. All of a sudden the path got too steep for the excited lads. With a cry of pain Ralph careered in to Ted, and they began to slide uncontrollably. Rock seemed to slide up past them, and was replaced with metal, as the tunnel became a shaft.
Ted’s cries resounded off the walls, as they dropped to their doom. When Ted had all but given up, he noticed they were slowing. Looking about he found Ralph actually enjoying the fall. “It must be some sort of force field slowing us”, Ted shouted through his fear. Then with a gentle bump they landed on a mesh floor. Taking in their surroundings they noticed there was an access hatch, and carefully peering through it they saw the coast was clear.
“We should see if we can get some allies”, suggested Ted. “I don’t fancy tackling a super weapon by ourselves.” “There’s a map on the wall” pointed Ralph, and he began to look for the detention block, while Ted stood watch, pretending to point a blaster down the corridor. “I can’t seem to find one, oh wait a minute, the holding area’s on level one one three eight, that must be it”. After a high five they cautiously crept down the white corridor, looking for a lift.
They soon found one and pressed the call button, but when the door slid open Ralph jumped back with a gasp. A storm trooper stood inside, perplexed to meet strangers. Ted thought fast, either grasp the trooper’s blaster, or brazen it out. “You there, see to the blockage in storm drain six, it may be the droids we are seeking”, barked Ted. Like a charm the white clad figure repeated his orders, before marching off. Amazed Ted turned to Ralph, who was equally at a loss. “Jedi mind trick, or just not too bright” he grinned, and they stepped inside.
The music on the way down seemed very familiar. They couldn’t help but humming it by the end of the ride, der der der, der, der der, der, der der. Then with a whoosh the door opened and they stepped out. “There’s holding block AA-twenty three”, pointed out Ralph. With a new confidence they marched up to the door.It opened on their approach. Then with shock the two lads saw a huge figure, clad as Darth Vader but entirely in white.
The figure boomed out “I have you in my clutches now”. Turning Ted and Ralph realized white clad troopers now surrounded them. “Quick in here”, Ralph pointed at the garbage shoot. Ted put his hands on his head in surrender, and with conviction announced, “I’m not going down there, it stinks.”
The impressive figure in the holding cell stepped out, and towered over the lads. Defiant to the last Ted spat out, “you won’t turn us to the dark side. We’ll never submit to the Sith.” The blank eyed mask tilted slightly then boomed out, “What do you known about the sith-terhood?” “You mean the sisterhood?” ventured Ralph. “Thath what I thed, damth helmeth”, and ripping off the mask revealed the proud features of an elderly stateswoman, that made leia look like a spring chicken. “Now exithcute, I mean execute them.” Flinching in their final moments Ted cried to his pal, “I’m sorry I dropped you in to this Ralph.” Also cowering, his friend replied “that’s ok Ted at least we died trying.”
Although the sound of blasters still resounded about, they seemed either to be missing them, or had no effect.Getting back up the two lads saw the whole scene take on an unreal look. They were floating in nothingness as a stream of gold flecks wove about them.
Then an unearthly voice seemed to appear directly in their minds. “Welcome to the twentieth millennium falcon film corporation. What you just experienced was a redundant plot line, where Shmi Skywalker Lars fled from the sisterhood, a fearful force in the universe. Taking her son Anakin in to hiding, while his sister Agatha was raised to become leader of that evil clan. We thought it a bit far fetched.” “You don’t fool me” Ted accused the disembodied voice. “What about the super weapon, with it’s focal lens under the Bermuda Triangle ?”
He was surprised by the laugh whirling round his head. “That lens projects the film on to what you would call the sphere at the edge of your universe. This in turn reflects the hologram you might say was the real three-dimensional world you live in. It is in fact an entertainment viewer for my kind.”
“Wait a minute” said Ralph, with more than a hint of suspicion in his voice. “How can this planet projector be making this universe, if it’s already in it?” “Have you never heard of a self fulfilling prophecy? We made that up first.” Amazed Ted blurted out “did you really make that.” With a slight hint of exasperation in that omnibenevolent voice came the reply. “Of course, we made everything in your universe. We at the R.D.V. department, I’m sorry the retro dimension vision department are very proud of this series. You don’t know how many Midi-chlorians get pleasure from watching you, watching these films. I’m sure they’ll run in to the next millennium. Then I suppose we’ll be called twenty first millennium falcon by then.”
Ralph suddenly took on a shrewd demeanor, “You must be making a mint from this series then. Any chance of some extra’s fees for us?” There was a chuckle and through a distorted sound of the voice, there came the fading reply. “You reach a point where you don’t work for money.”
Ted woke with a start. He was back in bed, and the weekend had only just begun. “Well it was a nice dream while it lasted,” he mused. Then he noticed two laminated passes that he knew weren’t there last night. He picked one up and read the legend; this is to certify that Ted Logan has free entry to any Star Wars film for perpetuity. He quickly dialed Ralph’s number, and was soon showing his friend both passes.
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