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Gintamerica

By Weezie24

Scifi / Humor

Gintamerica

Kagura stood before the small booth set up for a lottery in the chopping center, watching as the lottery machine turned and turned, and a lottery ball finally rolled out. It was gold.

“Mwo!!” She exclaimed with surprise and excitement while the man behind the booth rang his bell.

“Whoohoo!! You got it!! Congratulations!! It’s the grand prize!!” he announced.


[Enjoy the ultimate vacation experience America’s deep South has to offer by visiting the unique city of New Orleans in the fair state of Louisiana and enjoying the magic of the carnival season for yourself. Great food, great music, great shopping, and fantastic parades—the French Quarter has everything. So come on down and see the magic of Mardi Gras for yourself today!]

“America, huh?” Shinpachi said wistfully, sipping his tea, while he watched their small TV back at the Yorozuya with Gin-san. All of the foreigners in the commercial looked so colorful and happy. “I wouldn’t mind going there sometime, just once. There’s so much to see.”

“What’re you talking about?” asked Gin boredly as he flipped to the next page in JUMP, feigning disinterest in the pretty girls on the screen. “If you want to fail at picking up girls, you can do it here. It’s even harder to land a chick when they can’t understand you… though I’ve heard they’ll give you a good flash over their for some of those beads.”

“I wasn’t talking about the girls—and why do you have to automatically assume I’ll fail!? I’m more interested in seeing something like the Statue of Liberty, or the Grand Canyon, or D*sney W*rld!!” Shinpachi retorted defensively, blushing furiously.

“Uh-huh, sure you are.” Gin said dismissively with a look of blatant disbelief. No one would be on the verge of a nosebleed over a bunch of rocks or a giant mouse.

At that moment Kagura returned with a very smug look on her face.

“Muhuhu... Kneel down, you ignorant people.” She commanded loftily, reaching into the grocery bag to remove her prize. “For I,  the Madame Foreman, have returned victorious once again!” she declared boldly, splaying the tickets that she had won in her hand like a fan. The guys reacted immediately.

“Three tickets for a trip to New Orleans!?” Shinpachi yelled excitedly.

“M-Madame Foreman!!” Gin exclaimed.

“Wow, that’s amazing, Kagura-chan! I can’t believe you managed to win the grand prize again. We’re never this lucky!” Shinpachi said. “Are we in some kind of special episode?”

“No, no. Look closer, Shinpachi-kun.” Said Gin. “Everything that’s happening is being typed, and there are probably some lame spelling mistakes and bad grammar mixed in. This can only be… a Fanfiction!!” the silver-haired samurai declared ominously.

“Geh!” Shinpachi grimaced as he and Kagura flinched in shock and horror upon realizing that he was right. It even had the word 'fanfiction' in the title at the top of the page. “No way, not another one!!” They rarely ever had a good experience when it came to fanfiction. The bad writing, the abundant OOC acting, the crack pairings… They all shuddered at the scarring memories of some of the worser pairings they had had to endure, especially Kagura (who was often paired with that sadistic jerk Okita and sometimes even her own brother) and Gin (who still hadn’t completely recovered his dignity from a particularly bad Fifty shades of Grey based lemon featuring himself and that mayo-bastard.) Suddenly Gin felt the need to shower in some industrial strength cleaner and drown himself in alcohol. But far worse than anything else was the invasion of the OCs, resulting in their total loss of free will and subsequent enslavement to the Mary Sues.

“If I meet one more Mary Sue, I’m gonna rip her head off!” Kagura said angrily, clenching her fist as a vein throbbed on her forehead. “The only heroine Gintama needs is me!!”

“Well, I don’t know about that…” Gin muttered. It would be kind of nice to have a heroine that wasn’t dangerously violent and knew better than to throw up in front of the viewers/readers. “But most of those Mary Sues are really annoying…”

“That’s right. They’re all either completely useless or so strong that they overshadow Gin-san.” Shinpachi said, nodding in agreement. “And their personalities tend to be a little…”

“Ah, look at the author’s profile!” Gin said, reaching around the fourth wall to access the link to her home page. She’s a hamster who specializes in cookie-cutter OCs that are made to fit into the cannon story without changing hardly anything—and shenever finishes anything!! She’s even worse than those bastards from Viz!!!”

“To think we’re at the mercy of someone like this…” Shinpachi said grimly as he wondered what fresh hell they had managed to get caught up in this time.

“Curse you, Hamster!! How dare you play with our lives like this!!? I hope you get beaten by a gorilla!!!” Kagura shouted, stomping her feet and shaking her fists at the sky in anger.

 Gin clenched his fist as he grit his teeth in anger. No. Never again. He didn’t know what this new author had in store for them, but he was determined not to become another victim.

“DORYAAAAH!!” The silver samurai shouted suddenly, slashing through the cutesy avatar.

“G-Gin-san!” Shinpachi said, flinching in shock. “What are—if you do that you’ll make the hamster mad!!! Who knows what she’ll do to us now!?”

“Shinpachi, do you think that if we do what She wants, that hamster will just let us go? That so long as we hold our tongues and do as we’re told then everything will be all right?” Gin asked calmly as he lowered his sword. “How many times have we tried that now? It never works! So screw that, I’m done playing nice. If this hamster thinks we’re just going to play along, then she’s got another thing coming! Our only hope now is to finish this fic as fast as we can—and beat the living crap out of the greatest block to our escape!” he declared boldly.

“You want to beat up the author!?” Shinpachi asked, shocked. Kagura finally stopped throwing her fit and looked over at them, perking up at the idea.

“No, unfortunately the hamster’s beyond our reach.” Gin said seriously. “I’m talking about an enemy much closer to home, one that we’re bound to run into sooner or later: the Mary Sue.”

“!” Shinpachi and Kagura gasped. Of course! The Mary Sue was every cannon character’s kryptonite—the easiest and surest weapon an author could use to rob them of their free will and force the plot to move in whatever direction he or she wanted. If they took out the Mary Sue before she could brainwash them, then nothing would stand in their way from ending the story on their own terms. The three members of the Yorozuya clenched their fists tightly.

“Let’s do it, Gin-san.” Shinpachi said with a quiet but desperate determination. “Let’s break free with our own hands!”

“Yes!! Time for all those useless OCs to taste my fists of steel, aru!!!” Kagura cheered punching the air.

“Alright! Shinpachi, Kagura, lets go.” Gin said, grabbing his ticket with a grin. His expression darkened to a sinister rape-face. “Take no prisoners—we’re going to destroy this Mary Sue!”

“Hai!” Shinpachi and Kagura answered enthusiastically with matching rape-faces. America had better watch out, because the Yorozuya was about to invade in the name of Gintama!

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