Look Before You Leap

11 Identity Crisis


"If any of her friends show up we're dead," Sookie said.

"Come on Eric. Let's get you inside," I said. He fell over suddenly. "Eric?" I walked over and poked him with my foot.

He rolled over and stood up. I backed away. He took a step towards me. "You smell good," He said.

"I know, you've told me," I said. I took a step back.

"Can I drink you?"

"No you cannot!" I jumped back.


"You'll kill me like you killed Claudine."

"I couldn't harm someone like you."

I sighed. "Come on you should get in your cubby." I started walking towards the house. He ran up and grab my ass.

"What happened to no touching? Did you forget my rules?" Sookie asked. He laughed hysterically.

"Sook, can vampires get drunk?" I asked.

"I don't know."

"Well I think he is."

"Wait, where'd he go?" Sookie asked turning around.

I looked around to see that he was missing."Shit."


We'd been running all over the place trying to find Eric. Sookie called Alcide and he showed up finally around noon. "Alcide!" I said happily.

"Hey, Lily." He hugged me.

"Sookie's looking around back again," I said.

"How is Eric still wandering around?"

"That's an interesting story. I'll tell you on the way."

He pulled off his shirt. I couldn't help but stare. Now I know why Rachel liked him so much, I mean besides his wonderful personality, of course. "You mind?"

"Oh right sorry." I turned around. When I looked over my shoulder he was a wolf. "Oh my god, you're adorable!" He growled a little. "Sorry, it's true. Smell anything?" He took off and I ran after him. Along the way I explained the whole faerie situation. He stopped at the pond. Sookie had just caught up with us.

"I don't see him," she said. Eric splashed up out of the water.

"Come play with me!" He said.

"Eric, there's gators in there!" Sookie said.

"I'll just kill the sea monsters!" He said splashing us. I sighed.

Alcide shifted back. "You weren't kidding about him being different."

Eric snarled at him. "Eric stop!" I scolded.

"They want me here!" Alcide yelled at him.

"Eric, he's our friend. You don't want to fight him," Sookie said.

"Prepare to die, dog," Eric said.

"Bring it on, fanger," Alcide said.

"Oh come on! Both of you! You are acting like children!" I said unhappily.

"Alcide stop growling!" Sookie said.

"Put up your fangs, Eric!" I said at the same time. Eric gasped in pain. "Sookie, hand me the blanket!" She tossed it to me and I waded into the water. "Come here."

"Lily, it hurts," He said.

"I know." I wrapped him in the blanket so his skin wasn't showing.

"I don't want to go back," he told me.

"Go on, I'll be there in a minute." He looked at me sadly before running. Sookie and I reached the house right behind Alcide. "I'll go down," I told them. I climbed down the ladder. "You need to go to sleep," I said.

"I don't want to."

"You got burned up, you need your rest," I pushed him down onto the bed. He sat back up.


"If you stay up you'll get the bleeds," I told him.

"I know."

"Then you can clean them up, because I sure won't." He stared at me. "Fine, do what you want. I've got to go." I climbed back up.

"She sure has gotten a lot more comfortable being around supes since last year," Alcide said.

"It's a recent development," Sookie said.

"I can hear you two talking about me," I said when I reached the top. Sookie motioned us outside.

"Are you two crazy?" Alcide asked.

"You saw it for yourself, Eric isn't the same," I said.

"But he's still a killer. Eric is and always be Eric," Alcide said.

"And Debbie Pelt is still Debbie Pelt. She tried to kill Sookie and Rachel, she's a reformed V-addict and she's living in your house. Do you see either of us judging you?" I asked.

"Your sister didn't really leave me with a choice," Alcide said.

I scoffed. "No. You are not blaming this on Rachel. Just because Rachel left your sorry ass doesn't mean you had to go back to your psycho ex-girlfriend."

"Both of you stop!" Sookie said.

"I just don't want to see you hurt," I said finally.

"That's the same thing I'm saying about you."

"Alright fine," I said. We looked at each other intensely daring the other one to make a remark.

He smiled. "Come here." I hugged him. "I'm sorry I said that about Eric and your sister."

"I'm sorry I said that about Debbie," I said grudgingly. "Are we still friends?"

He nodded like he was weighing his options. I poked him. He laughed. "Friends."

"I'll talk to you later," I promised.

"See you soon." He walked off to his truck.


That night I went down into Eric's cubby to check on him. "You've been way to quiet. This isn't you," I said.

"It is," he said.

"No, the real you-"

"I am real!"

"I know. I mean Rachel's Eric. He was never sad, at least not that I saw. Course I mostly only saw him around Rachel. When he was with her it was like nothing else in the world mattered. She was his sunshine," I told him.

"I'll never feel the warmth from the sun again, or see the light reflected off your hair."

"But the night isn't so bad. The stars are beautiful; they make pictures and tell stories and the moon light on my hair is even better."

"No. You don't understand because you have both. You can see the sun or the moon; you can take them for granted because you can have them whenever you want."

"I don't know what to say." I sat down next to him.

"You think I'm weak."

"No, I don't," I assured him.

"You want the Eric that doesn't feel."

"Of course not. Why would I want an Eric that doesn't feel? Even Rachel's Eric felt. But that Eric belonged to her and I don't want that Eric."

"If you kiss me I promise to be happy."

"I can't, you're hers."

He shook his head. "No I'm not." He was right. It was almost like saying Rachel and I was the same person just because we looked alike. Just like the old Eric and the new one really weren't the same person, even if they still shared a body and a name, they didn't share any of the same memories. I leaned in to kiss him. "Someone's at your door," Eric said.

"Sookie can get it," I murmured.

"You should go."

I sighed and stood. "Stay here."

I climbed up the ladder and walked towards the door. Sookie was already talking to Bill outside. I opened the door.

"Lily, there you are," Bill said. "You don't happen to know where Eric is, do you."

"No, why would I?" I asked.

"You're right. Where's your sister, maybe she'd know?"

"Um she's gone too. I assumed she just went wherever Eric was going." I shrugged. It killed me to lie about Rachel when Bill could use his resources to help find her, but it was the only way to keep Eric safe. I couldn't explain about Rachel's disappearance without explaining about Eric.

"This is the only place my guards haven't searched," Bill said.

"I'm not going to let a bunch of people stomp around my house," Sookie said.

"It'll just be me." He stepped towards the door. Sookie and I both jumped in front of it.

"When have I ever lied to you?" Sookie asked.

"And you know I never have. I tell you everything," I said. He was still ready to push us aside. "You are not going to search this house," I said calmly. "You have no reason not to trust me."

"I'm not going to search this house. I don't have any reasons not to trust you," Bill said blankly.

"Bill, are you alright?" Sookie asked.

"I'm fine. I understand you girls need your privacy. I'm sorry, goodnight." He left and Sookie whirled around to face me.

"Did you just glamour him?" She asked.

"I-I don't know. The only other time that's happened I was trying to get Rachel to stop doing something and she got that same weird, blank look."

"I think you have another power we didn't know about," Sookie said.

"And it works on vampires. I am so beyond dead."


Sookie finally convinced me I needed to go to sleep before I had a panic attack. I walked to my room on the ground floor. "You think you'll be ok by yourself?" She asked.

"Yeah. I'll be fine, but if you hear someone screaming. Don't bother to come running, I probably just had a terrible nightmare."

"I'll come running anyway. You're sleeping on the same floor as a vampire."

"Sort of. He's actually under us."


"Oh go to sleep." I pushed her out of my room. It felt like I'd only been asleep for a few minutes when I could feel someone in my room. I sat up to see Eric, fangs out, in my door way. I jumped back against my headboard and squealed.

"I had a bad dream."

I sighed in relief. "Come here." I motioned him over. He lay down in my bed and told me how he had had a dream about Godric.

"I'm sorry I'm crying all over your pillows," he said.

"It's alright, they're Sookie's."

"I don't even know him."

"Godric was your maker. That's a really strong bond; I'm not surprised it carried over."

"He said I was evil," he said rolling over.

"It was just a bad dream, that's all."

"Am I evil?" He asked.

"Well, you certainly aren't an angel. You did a lot of things that weren't very good but I don't think you're evil." He laid his head in my lap which made me laugh.

"Why are you laughing?" He asked looking up at me.

"If anyone had told me last year I'd be lying in bed cuddling with Eric Northman, I would've laughed in their face and told them they were obviously bat-shit crazy."


"You weren't always so sweet and gentle. Godric would've liked to see you like this," I told him.

"Did you know him?" He asked.

"No, Sookie did. He was gone before Rachel and I moved to Bon Temps. But you talked about him constantly. Rachel was always telling me stories about you and Godric"

"What stories?"

"There were lots, I can't remember them all but I know you loved him. You two were very close when he was alive."

"Do you know anything about when I was human?" He asked.

"Just that you were the son of a Viking king and family was always very important to you," I said. I chose to leave out the rest of the story so I didn't upset him more.

"Oh. Is it ok if I stayed here until morning?"



I woke up in the woods not knowing where I was or how I got there. Hell, I didn't even know who I was. "Hello Rachel," A woman said walking towards me, she looked a little funny but I couldn't tell exactly why.

"Do you know me?" I asked.

"Of course I do," She said as if I should know exactly who she was. "You know, you are a very powerful medium."

"A what?" I asked.

"A person who can speak with sprits."

"You're a spirit." I could see why she looked different now. Her clothes were out of place and she seemed to be made out of light.

"My name is Ileana Gavilán. You can trust me."

"I don't know who I am," I admitted.

"I could help you," Ileana said.

"Would you?"

"Of course. Just let me in."


That afternoon I was sitting with Tara and Sookie eating ice cream and having girl talk. It felt good to be doing something normal again. "I can't believe you got a girlfriend!" I said.

"I didn't really plan it," Tara said.

"We've been friends for years and you never thought to mention you liked girls?" Sookie asked.

"I didn't before."

"So are you going to bring her to Bon Temps soon?" I asked.

"She doesn't even know I'm from here. I've been telling her my name is Toni, I'm from Atlanta; right now I'm at my grandmother's funeral. I hate this place; I just wanted to forget about it," Tara said. "And now she found a bunch of stuff about who I really am, I don't know if she'll forgive me. I think I'm in love with her."

"If you love her you have to fight," Sookie said.

"I've been telling so many lies I have no idea what I should explain first."

"Maybe your name?" I suggested."Really Tara, where did you get Toni from?"

"Honestly, it was the first thing I thought of."

Sookie, it's getting dark. I said. I glanced at the cubby behind us.

"Hey can I stay here tonight? I know you don't really have any more rooms but since Rachel's out of town with Eric I could just stay in her room."

"You know tonight's not really the best night," I said.

"She's right; it's not really a good night…" Sookie said. I glanced behind me again. Tara followed my eyes and saw Eric who had just come out of the cubby. Tara started screaming and grabbed the fire iron and started waving it around. Eric popped out his fangs.

"Eric stop that!" I shouted. "Tara put that down!"

"I live here," Eric said.

"What the fuck, you told me he was out of town with Rachel," Tara said to us.

"It's complicated," Sookie said.

"Is Rachel dead? Did he kill her?" Tara asked.

"No! At least, I don't think so. She's missing," I said.

"You just told me that I needed to be honest and you have someone who wants me dead in your basement?"

"Something happened to him. He's changed," Sookie said.

"Sookie, this is the guy that gave you to Russell Edgington, who tricked you into drinking his blood, he tortured Lafayette. You hate Eric Northman! And you Lily, ever since you've gotten here he's made your life miserable, he's been wanting to bite you since day one, every bad thing that's happened to your sister is because of him. Last time I checked you wanted Eric Northman dead."

"Tara-" I started.

"Fuck you! Fuck all of you!" She ran out.

"Shit," Sookie said. "I'll be right back." She took off outside after Tara while I collapsed back onto the couch.

"Did I really do all those things she said?" Eric asked me.

"Yes," I mumbled.

"Why are you letting me stay with you?"

"You're not just that guy that Tara said you were. This you is kind and gentle, I like this version."

"But I'm obviously able to cause you great pain."

"You did. But do you really think I'd be sitting here with you right now if I didn't think you could change, that you had changed?"

"You have a light in you and if I ever took that light away I'd never forgive myself." He got up and walked out the door.

"Eric, wait!" I cried following him. He stopped in the drive way and turned to face me. "I don't want you to go." He walked towards me slowly. I held out my arms and hugged him. He stroked the side of my face and I pulled back to look at him. I'm a terrible sister and I am going to go to hell. I took a deep breath and tried to remind myself he wasn't her Eric.

"I want to kiss you," I whispered. He leaned towards me slowly and kissed me lightly. I wrapped my arms around his neck and leaned towards him almost falling off the step.

I heard someone clear their throat. I jumped back. "Oh hey, Sookie. Did you catch up with Tara?" I asked awkwardly.

"No, I didn't."

"Oh well." I coughed.

"Nope, I'm not judging. I am not going to say anything."

She walked past me. You two are precious.

I choked out a quiet laugh. Thanks.

I grabbed his hand. "Come on let's go inside."

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