Apologies and Memories
Edited: March 20, 2012
Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter
A/N: I want to dedicate this chapter to Draconator who is a loyal reviewer to my stories and helped me make quite a few difficult decisions pertaining to some of them. Thanks!##########
A week passed and Lily was still confused and she didn't know what to do. Sirius sent her strange looks when she walked by him in the corridors and they made her think of the talk they had. She still hadn't confronted James, how could she? She was afraid of the look of disgust he would probably give her if she even glanced his way, so much for Gryffindor courage.
At the moment the relationship between the Marauders and three 7th year girls was tense to say the least. They were hardly seen anywhere together anymore. Lily and James had been the ones to encourage all of them to stick together before and now that connecting bridge was gone.
Marlene, who missed the boys' company most, decided to take things into her own hands after the second Quidditch match (the first had been Ravenclaw against Slytherin and this one was Gryffindor against Hufflepuff).
Gryffindor was celebrating their amazing victory in the common room (courtesy of Sirius Black). She saw James sulk out about an hour into the party and figured it was the perfect time to confront Lily and send her after him. She walked over to the secluded corner of the Gryffindor common room that the red head was in.
At the moment she was in a heated debate with Black, both seemed to be getting very angry, very fast. Sirius had a piece of paper in his hand and was constantly waving it in her face while Lily screamed something back at everything he said. Marley had no idea what they were saying though because it seemed as if they put some kind of bubble around each other.
She saw Lily look over Sirius's shoulder and spot her. She smiled slowly and Lily waved her wand around and Marlene could finally hear her.
"Everything okay here Lils?" she asked worriedly.
Sirius turned around still frowning with the paper in his hand. He seemed to be doing a good job at not letting her see what it was.
"Oh…umm…yeah we're f-f-fine." Lily said stuttering a bit.
"Yeah, just a nice conversation between friends." Sirius said shooting Lily a significant look.
"Oh, well, Lily mind if I talk to you for a bit? You know, if you guys are done."
"Oh Yes, we're finished. Marley, your friend can have a pretty thick head sometimes" Sirius muttered. He shoved the paper into Lily's hand and they both watched him walk back into the red and gold clad crowd.
For some reason Lily wasn't in the mood to celebrate the Gryffindor victory back in the common room. Maybe it was because she didn't end up going to the game. But no, that wasn't it. She rarely went to games. She found the library peacefully empty at those times.
Maybe it was because all of the Marauders would be present. Yes, that was surely it. She really hated what was happening between all of them and she knew it was her fault…just because she was too scared. These thoughts made her feel unworthy of her Gryffindor title. That stupid old hat must have placed her wrong if didn't have enough bravery or courage to even go talk to a boy.
So instead of partying, she found a nice corner, slightly away from the action, and stuck her head in a book. Reading was her escape, her portkey to a different world without really leaving. She got so wrapped up in the adventure, angst, and romance that nothing else mattered besides finding out what happened on the next page. She received about five minutes of bliss, until Sirius strutted over looking like he was on a mission. That was slightly intimidating considering how he was headed straight at her.
"Lily, we need to talk…now" he swished his wand and a giant bubble enclosed them. The level of intimidation he was giving off rose several notches.
"Did what I said to you last week mean nothing?" he said angrily. Lily scowled. Not because of him, but because she knew what he was getting at and she knew he was right.
He pulled a crumple sheet of parchment out of his back pocket. It was the picture she had created. Lily had been quite proud of that art. It was one of the most accurate pictures of light she had ever done before. Using that method of drawing, Lily would always scribble out pictures in her spare time. It cleared her mind and helped her think strait. She looked to the particular one Sirius had copied to paper. The stick figure Lily was still in the same spot it was last time.
"Sirius I'm sorry! I can't get over my fear when James won't even look at me!"
"THEN MAKE HIM! I AM SICK OF THIS LILY! I don't want to have to explain everything to you again! I want you to do something about this!"
"WELL I'M SORRY IF I'M SCARED THAT HE HATES ME! I'M SORRY THAT WHAT I'M REALLY SCARED OF IS THAT AFTER ALL THESE YEARS HE'S FORGOTTEN ME! I'M SORRY THAT I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH GRYFFINDOR IN ME! I swear my conscience has left me, because no matter how many time you tell me to do something, or you look at me funny, I still don't know how to act. I don't even know how to apologize." She whispered the last part.
She was worried that she was admitting to Sirius that she was scared again. He probably thought of her as weak and spineless, someone who only cares for herself. Yet, she thought she saw a glimmer of pity in his silver eyes.
Lily looked behind Sirius and saw Marlene standing there looking confused. She muttered the counter-spell to the bubble and looked at Sirius imploringly. His face said that their talk wasn't over. She waved everything that Marlene said off and pushed the paper into her pocket after Sirius practically threw it at her. She followed her friend up the spiral staircase to their dorm and sat on the edge of her bed.
"Lily, you need to do something about James." She said getting right to the point. Lily sighed.
"Wow, two in ten minutes…but you're right Marlene…and so was Sirius." Before Marlene could respond Lily bolted out of the room faster then Sirius running to dinner. She took that as a sign that Lily was finally seeing sense.
James looked up at the sound of Lily's soft voice. Lily's voice somehow reminded him of a million things at once, things like springtime and sunshine. It was the voice he had been dying to hear directed at him for the past week. He hadn't confronted her himself because he figured she had some things she needed to work out.
He had left the celebration party minutes ago hoping to get some peace and time to think. At the sight of Lilly, her words rushed back into his head and he was swept over with guilt. Little did he know that his guilt was nothing compared to hers.
"Hello" he said slowly, scared for what she would say. Did she just come to him to let her anger out again?
"I'm sorry! I-I've been in a bad mood for a while now and I let my temper get the best of me. I kind of took it all out on you for no reason last week. I feel awful! I understand if you can't forgive me," she said hanging her head.
"Of course I forgive you, Lily," he whispered. Her head shot up.
"I forgive you."
"I don't know. Maybe I just think you deserved to let all those things out. Maybe I think I deserved to be yelled at."
"No, you didn't and I really am sorry.
James was on the staircase Sirius came to so often. Lily sat lowered herself next to him on the large, worn steps. They both fell silent for what seemed like several years.
"I just feel like everyone is treating me like…like I'm made of glass…like I'll break any second. I want to go back to having Marley joke around with me and be sarcastic instead of stumbling over her words because she thinks she'll hurt my feelings. I want the teachers to stop shooting me pity glances in the middle of class and I want things to be normal again. I was scared that if I talked to you, you would start acting different too." She was staring at the ground as she spoke and James could tell that she meant what she said.
"Lily, I won't look at you any different just because of a little disagreement. It will take time Lily, to get what you want…but eventually things will be the way they used to be…I promise," he whispered.
Lily looked up at him and smiled sadly. She couldn't believe how easily he forgave her, how few words it took. He was amazing. His hazel eyes showed her everything he was thinking and some of it surprised her. Lily saw a feeling she had only imagined he felt for her…it was a feeling she herself had only felt for her family and never for a boy.
She thought of the years in the past. She remembered when he would follow her around and serenade her in the Great Hall or throw lily petals at her in between classes. She also remembered the more serious things he did for her. Her mind wandered to fifth year after O.W.L.s when he had defended her after her best friend stabbed her in the back, or the time last year when he jumped in front of a curse for her when she was corned by a bunch of Slytherins. That specific thought made something click.
James saw that Lily was deep in thought. A smile would grace her face every once-in-a-while, but suddenly, she froze. Her grin became a look of confusion and then slowly it transformed into a scowl.
"Lily? Are you okay?" he asked. Something wasn't right.
"I-I'm…ummm…do-do you ever feel like you've forgotten something?" she asked carefully thinking through each word.
"Well yeah, all the time." He said calmly, wondering where this was going.
"No…like something…something really important…something that you should have remembered?" Lily felt like something in her mind was missing. Like a piece of an important puzzle was missing. This was not normal for Lily had a very good memory. She thought hard…what was it?
"I don't understand, what do you mean?" James said looking at her quizzically.
"I-I just…nothing, maybe, maybe I just imagined it…" she shook her head as if ridding it of its thoughts.
"So we're okay now right?" James asked changing the subject rapidly and hoping for the best.
"Yeah, Yeah we're great…there's something I wanted to show you though." She pulled paper out of her pocket and handed it to him. He took it gingerly and turned it over. He grinned instantly.
"This is amazing Lils, did you draw this?"
"In a way…used that spell Flitwick taught us last year. I had some help though…from Sirius, he placed me and copied it to paper." She said smiling. James laughed at his best friend's part in the artwork.
"Its brilliant Lily!"
"Would you like to keep it?" she asked. He nodded his head vigorously.
"Come on, let's get back to your party." She stood and James walked right behind her. All thoughts of the strange feeling she had were momentarily gone. After all, it was probably nothing.