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I Wish I Had Her Job

By MrBillyD

Horror / Adventure

Chapter 1

Alone at last! Cordellia thought. I’m home! I’ve finished dinner. Now I can relax.

Today as always at Angel Investigations, there’s been too much to do, not enough time, too much criticism, and never enough pay.

Today, on top of everything else, Angel got a call from Giles, who’s back in England. He said that the Watcher’s Council had lost track of most of the Potential Slayers. Over the past two months, they’d all just disappeared, from wherever they were in the world. No one had any idea where they were.

I have no idea, Cordellia thought, what they expect Angel to do about it. He promised Giles that we’d all look into it, and see what we (meaning me) could come up with.

After he hung up, she’d asked Angel, “If the Council can’t find them, what do they expect from us?”

He’d shrugged and said, “Who knows?”

23 year old Cordellia Chase sat alone on the sofa in the living room of her apartment. She’d finished her dinner of canned ravioli that she’d heated in the microwave oven, and was now sipping from a half full glass of red wine.

The trim figured woman, with expensively coiffeured black hair, remained dressed in the stylish white outfit, that she'd worn to work that day. She'd turned on the TV and sat watching CNN.

I'm having wine with Wolf Blitzer again. She thought, I've got to get a life!

After the News, she switched to the Demon Entertainment Network on Channel 666. That was recommended viewing, for demon fighters, like herself and anyone else who worked for Angel Investigation. Tonight, something she saw, might give her a clue as to the whereabouts of the missing Potential Slayers.

She now sat watching this week's episode of that Network's highly rated Travel Series: "Bloodthirsty Traveler". The show was a documentary. Everything she was about to see actually occurred.

The episode began, showing a narrow, winding trail, through a red colored jungle, shrouded in a yellow mist. A healthy, well-fed, full figured blonde woman in her mid-twenties, moved cautiously forward, dressed in only a pair of sandals. She carried a six-foot long spear in both hands.

She moved along looking to her right and left, trying to see through the thick foliage, while speaking softly; her voice picked up by a sensitive mike.

"The naked young woman sweated heavily in the hellish heat, as she walked along the path through the jungle behind her hut, without seeing the headhunter, who was hiding in the dark red foliage to her left."

Then she quickly turned to her left and leveled the spear. A man sprang out of the jungle in front of her. He was naked and held a three-foot long machete raised high. The woman leaped forward with a loud cry, plunging the entire spearhead into his chest.

The man howled in agony. She yanked the spear out of a deep, bloody gash in his chest. Her entire spearhead was red with blood.

She stepped back, out of the man's way as he collapsed onto the trail in front of her, where he lay dead.

She now looked at the screen, smiled, and spoke in a laughing tone. "I couldn't actually see him. But he sure was making a lot of noise."

Then she said, "Welcome everyone. My name is Kelly Bundy, and this is 'Bloodthirsty Traveler'."

She knelt beside the man she'd just killed. He wore a belt with a few shrunken heads tied on it. She picked up the machete that was lying beside him, raised it up high, then brought the blade down fast, slashing it all the way through his neck.

"In this episode," she went on, "You're all invited to join us, as we tour the exotic, deadly and bizarrely beautiful Demonic Dimension, of headhunters, cannibals, ritual warfare and human sacrifices."

She gripped her spear in one hand, and picked up the man's head in the other. Then she stuck the point of her spear, up through his neck.

She stood up, held the spear with the impaled head high, while grinning broadly.

"Now!" She announced, "'Bloodthirsty Traveler', explores... Beelzebubia!"

The Show's opening credits came on. That was followed by a commercial break.

After the break, the viewers were shown various sites, in and around Beelzebubia's Capitol City, Beelzebubapolis, while Kelly Bundy spoke the narration.

"Beelzebubapolis is a gleaming white city that swelters under a heavy orange sun and glaring green sky. The City is surrounded by lush red farmland, which stretches all the way to the active volcanic mountain range; 50 miles to the south and even further in all other directions.

"Beelzebubapolis is a City of museums, theaters, hotels, office buildings, libraries, and the University of Beelzebub."

Then she added, "Try saying 'Beelzebubapolis' three times, really fast."

In the living room of the Cordellia'a apartment she said quickly, "Beelzebubapolis. Beelzebubapolis. Beelzebubapolis. It's not that hard to say."

The viewers were then shown avenues lined with red fronded palm-trees, and Kelly Bundy browsing in elegant shops and art galleries. Then she was seated in a sidewalk restaurant, eating some very exotic foods, including what she said was human meat.

In Cordellia Chase' apartment, the overworked, underappreciated secretary, saw a caption appear on her TV screen saying, "Wouldn't you just love to have her job?"

On screen, Beelzebubapolis was also shown to be a City of one and two story, pastel painted stucco houses, with orange tile roofs, on narrow streets paved with blue cobblestones. Open-air markets were found in every district. Kelly Bundy was shown haggling over the prices of exotic goods. The citizens all looked well fed and healthy, and none of them were shown to be wearing anything above the waist. Neither was Kelly Bundy.

Then in the afternoon, brown cumulous clouds gathered over the City. Sheet lightning flashed between the clouds, and lightning jolts stabbed the streets, killing pedestrians who were not under cover, each time they struck.

This was followed by a downpour of acidic rain, in which everyone who remained outside was killed. The bodies of everyone who'd been killed by the storm lay untouched where he or she fell, except for those who were pushed out of the way of traffic, then left by the sides of the streets.

After the day's touring, there was a night scene. The episode's vivacious hostess was seated at a table in a sidewalk restaurant. The remains of her dinner lay in a plate in front of her. A wineglass containing a red liquid was in her hand, and a young, local guy sat beside her, with his arm around her shoulder, casually stroking her bare breast with his fingers.

She now wore a light green skirt, hanging a quarter ways down her thighs, matching pumps on her feet, and a shrunken head dangled between her uncovered breasts, on a chain of human knuckle bones around her neck. She also wore earrings; a pair of bracelets and a hairclip, all carved from human bones.

"In the morning," she spoke to the camera; "the monthly Sacrifices to the Demons Moloch and Beelzebub will begin, during which many Celebrants will die. I will be among the Celebrants. That means there is a chance that you might actually get to watch me, your Guide, being killed on your TV screen. Those of you, who are regular viewers, know that if that does happen, I won't be the first 'Bloodthirsty Traveler' Tour Guide to whom that will have happened."

That's true. Cordellia thought. The last Hostess for this Show was shown sinking into quicksand, until she'd totally disappeared, and the surface was smooth again. Other Hosts and Hostesses had been shown getting eaten by carnivorous beasts or plants; or dying in other colorfully entertaining ways.

On the TV, Kelly Bundy spoke laughing with a slurring voice. "And that's why they pay us those big bucks!

"Yeah--right! If we live to collect our salaries!

"Since I might die tomorrow," her voice continued to slur, as she leered. "I'm being a very bad girl tonight. I'm sitting here bare breasted; having just dined on well cooked human flesh. I've been drinking cocktails of human blood, mixed with 151 proof rum; and I am now extremely drunk. I am also very horny, and am going to be getting fu---I mean having casual, uncommitted, recreational sex with this studly guy who's got his arm around me, and giving my boobs a feel; whose name I'm not sure of, and who I will never see again after tonight.

"I promise that if I do survive the Celebration, I will go back to being a good girl; but tonight, I'm getting laid! Yeah! I can say it that way on Television! And I'm gonna be getting it good!"

On the TV Screen in Cordellia's apartment, the same message appeared saying "Wouldn't you just love to have her job?"

Then the picture revealed the dark interior of Kelly Bundy's hotel room. The shot was focused on the shrunken heads of a man and a woman, dangling from a hook on the wall, above the headboard of the bed. The pair of heads was softly illuminated by light coming through the window.

Off screen the bed creaked rhythmically, while Kelly Bundy moaned. "Hmmmm! Hmmmm! Hmmmm! Hmmmm! Hmmmm! Hmmmmmmm! I'm coming! Oh! Aaaaaaaaaah!"

"Oh yeah!" Cordellia laughed, "I would love to have her job. She lives good, eats good, and she gets to sleep really good too!"

On the TV Kelly shouted, "Hey! What are they recording this?"

The scene changed again. On screen there were shots of sunrise over the City, and people beginning to go about their morning tasks.

Kelly was shown seated alone, at the same table where she'd been in the earlier nighttime shot. A large cup of coffee was in front of her. She had a sour look on her face.

"It is now the morning after the night before. I am completely hung over and totally fu---- out. My studly partner from last night is gone. Never to be seen by me again. Believe me. From now on, I'm being a good girl."

She now sipped some coffee from the cup in front of her, and had an even sourer look on her face.

Then she announced, "Last night, all of us Celebrants here in Beelzebubapolis, were having what might be our final fling. Today we're getting down to business! So let the Sacrifices begin!"

This was followed by a sequence featuring different acts of human sacrifice; all narrated by a clear voiced Kelly Bundy.

The sequence began with the Decapitation of two smiling Sacred Maidens, as Voluntary Sacrifices to the Demons Moloch and Beelzebub. This was followed by the deaths of 200 beautiful women, who were sacrificed with arrows through their breasts. This was followed by an equal number of men being hanged, and children tossed onto spears.

After this, male and female gladiators fought to the death in a local sports stadium. Kelly Bundy took part in this event. She fought among a group of women holding swords and shields, while again dressed in only a pair of sandals. She actually got to kill two opponents.

As she watched this sequence, Cordellia recognized the Squad's Leader. She was Faith; the other Vampire Slayer. She had disappeared from her prison cell about a year ago. Nobody had any idea where she was.

That'd be something to report to Angel about.

As the day's events went on, there were unexpected fatalities among participants and spectators. Then there were deadly fireworks in the evening.

There was also music, dancing and feasting on the roast meat of those who'd been sacrificed.

"And More!" According to Kelly Bundy.

Then the episode went to the following day. Kelly Bundy stood naked in the shimmering heat waves, in the middle of Beelzebubapolis' Main Central Plaza, with the bodies of the sacrificed displayed in the background.

She smiled pleasantly. "It's now a week since that opening sequence." She touched a dark object tied on her belt, with the fingers of her right hand. "This is the shrunken head of the man I killed then.

"The Sacrifices are completed. The Celebration has ended, and I have survived. Things are returning to normal here in Beelzebubapolis. From here, we'll be going down to the seaside resort town of Port Lucifer, where...Kuhn!"

An arrow had been shot through her left breast, gone through her lung, and was now poking out her back.

She looked at the feathers on the end of the shaft that was sticking out of a small bloody patch on her breast.

She muttered, "Oh sh---."

Then she looked back at the screen, and spoke with a raspy, gasping voice.

"Some folks are still celebrating!"

She made a choking sound. Blood came out of her mouth. She shut her eyes and collapsed.

The screen now framed the dead, naked "Bloodthirsty Traveler" Hostess Kelly Bundy, lying on the pavement in the Main Central Plaza of the City of Beelzebubobapolis, with the shaft of an arrow sticking out of her breast.

On screen, Faith the other Vampire Slayer stepped in front of the camera, carrying a crossbow and had a quiver of arrows tossed over her shoulders. She stood above the body of Kelly Bundy and smirked.

Then she looked at the camera and spoke.

"I killed this bimbo for f---ing my husband the night before last! On television! I want all of you people who are watching to remember this! Any of you bimbos who come here to Beelzebubia, and want to go around f---ing our husbands, this is what'll happen to you!"

As Cordellia Chase sat on the sofa watching, she said, "That's why this Show gets such high ratings."

The same message again appeared on the TV screen. "Wouldn't you love to have her job?"

"You better believe it!" Cordellia joked, "I'd get to travel to exotic locales. I'd be living good, eating good, getting laid by hunky studs. Sure I'd end up as a sexy corpse, but it'd be worth it!"

Then she rapidly repeated "Beelzebubapolis. Beelzebubapolis. Beelzebubapolis."

Then she said, "It's not that hard to say three times fast."

The following morning, Cordellia stepped out of her apartment, dressed for work. As soon as she shut the front door, she found herself standing outside the door to a thatched hut that stood beside a trail, through a red colored jungle.

She looked at herself. She was naked except for a pair of sandals, and was gripping a six-foot long spear in both hands.

I should have known. She thought. I was watching the Demon Network, and I made a wish. Then I twice repeated a demon's name three times. I of all people should have known better.

Then she sighed, shrugged and stepped away from the hut, turned a corner in the trail and kept moving forward.

Then she spoke. "The naked young woman sweated heavily in the hellish heat, as she walked along the path, through the dark red jungle behind her hut, without seeing the headhunter, who was hiding in the foliage to her left."

Then she quickly turned to her left, and leveled the spear. A man sprang out of the jungle in front of her. He was naked and held a three-foot long machete raised high. Cordellia leaped forward with a loud cry, plunging the entire spearhead into his chest.

The man howled in agony. She yanked the spear out of a deep, bloody gash in his chest. Her entire spearhead was red with blood.

Cordellia stepped back, out of the man's way as he collapsed onto the trail in front of her, where he lay dead.

She now looked up, smiled, and spoke in a laughing tone. "I couldn't actually see him. But he sure was making a lot of noise."

Then she said, "Welcome everyone. My name is Cordellia Chase, and this is 'Bloodthirsty Traveler'."

This was being watched by 38 year old Lyla Morgan, on the TV in her living room.

She thought, I wouldn't want her job. I've got a job of my own to do there. It'll be a lot more satisfying than that."

She rapidly repeated ,"Beelzebubapolis. Beelzebubapolis. Beelzebubapolis."

Then she said, "It's not that hard to say three times fast."


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