Life's too short to even care at all
Kurt kept glancing at the clock, hoping that the rehearsal for Regionals would soon be over. He was constantly on edge, waiting to see if anyone would call him out on the fact that he was not singing and was miming along to the group’s part of ‘Wanna Be Startin’ Something’ by Michael Jackson. Apparently the New Directions had been very successful at singing ‘MJ’ at Sectionals so it was something that Mr Schue wanted to continue with. Kurt felt that he was always getting stressed out over Regionals lately, worrying about his lack of singing, worrying if anyone would notice and worrying about how the New Directions would do at the competition. He was also nervous about competing against his friends in the Warblers, but the feeling wasn’t the same as he had had when he was a Warbler competing against his old Glee club. It had felt like he was going up against his family. It was bizarre to him to think how long ago his last actual show choir competition had been. It had actually taken place when he was still a Warbler, due to him not being there for Nationals in New York as he was being held hostage a short distance away.
There was a knock on the door to the choir room and the door opened to reveal Wes, David and Sebastian standing there. The three boys strolled into the room and smiled at the New Directions, although they appeared to be a little nervous and unsure how to proceed.
“Hello everyone,” Wes started, his smile growing at the sight of Kurt and Blaine sitting together in the back row, “It’s nice to see you all again. I’m afraid this isn’t just a simple catch up. We discovered that there seems to be a bit of a problem with our set lists that we plan to perform at the upcoming Regionals. It seems that we’re both planning on performing songs by the legendary Michael Jackson.”
Rachel immediately leapt to her feet and pointed at finger at the three boys, “How do you know this!? Who told you? Spies!”
David tried to mollify her at once, “We’re not spies. It doesn’t matter who told us. What matters is that we need to sort out this issue and try to figure it all out.”
“Tell me!” Rachel actually stomped her feet as she glared at the three visitors in uniform.
“Oh for goodness sake!” Blaine spoke up to stop the Jewish diva terrorising his friends, “I told them! Wes told me that they were doing Michael Jackson songs so I felt that it was essential that I told them that we were also planning on singing songs by that artist. There were no malicious intentions on either side and they have come here today to talk it out with us.”
Kurt watched as Rachel huffed but she did actually sit down. She was still directing her glares to both Blaine and the Warblers but she stayed quiet, waiting for it all to unfold.
Wes spoke first, “Okay then, both of our groups are planning to sing Michael Jackson songs and obviously we both can’t sing them. If we tried that, the judges would dock us points and whoever the other show choir group is would be the clear winner. So that means that we have to decide what we are going to do.”
Rachel piped up once again, “Don’t you worry everyone, I have the perfect Barbara song I can sing with you guys backing me up!”
“Oh hell to the no!” Mercedes cried out, looking like she wanted to wipe the floor with Rachel Berry.
Artie rolled his wheelchair forward, “MJ is my jam. I am not going to let anyone take him away from me. I am his biggest fan and you preppy boys will not be singing his songs at Regionals! We will be!”
“That hardly justifies it,” David scoffed, “I love Michael Jackson’s work and I don’t want all our hard work to be taken away from us! You’ve probably just started rehearsing with less than a week to go!”
Santana marched over to the Warblers, “I’m ignoring that prep boy! How the New Directions roll is none of your business! The New Directions always bring their A game and we will whoop your ass!”
Sebastian squared up to the Latina, “Oh I sincerely doubt that. You want to know how we can settle this?”
“How can we settle this, wannabe Andrew McCarthy?” Santana stood her ground.
Sebastian smirked back at her, “We take it to the streets. We do a sing off with some dancing. Whoever wins gets Michael.”
There was a murmur around the room as this offer was discussed and considered.
Kurt just couldn’t take it anymore, “Oh God! Who even cares?”
Every head whipped around to look at the boy who dared to be outspoken.
“Kurt?” Blaine quaked softly, obvious concern for his boyfriend.
“This whole argument is absolutely ridiculous!” Kurt declared as he looked around the room, “So both of the group want to sing songs by the same artist? Instead of fighting like idiots, how about each group moves on and picks something new by a different artist? I like Michael Jackson as much as the next guy, but this whole thing is just stupid. It could be really simple but no, there always has to be some sort of drama! This won’t affect anyone’s lives in the long run. I’m sorry but taking it to the streets? Really Sebastian? This is not some kind of gangster movie. That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard! Artie, I know you said MJ is your jam but you’ve been perfectly happy performing other songs before. Everyone should just accept that neither of the groups should sing Michael Jackson, move on and be done with it!”
Silence filled the room as everyone stared at the pale boy, shocked at the amount of rage that had spilled out of his mouth.
Wes attempted to clear his throat, “I think that Kurt’s suggestion is a good idea. Neither of us does Michael Jackson songs.”
“Agreed,” said Finn, watching his brother with concern.
Blaine got up and walked the Warblers out, casting an eye back to observe his boyfriend who seemed extremely tense.
Mr Schue clapped his hands together once the Warblers had left, “Right, this needs that we really need to start brainstorming. I have some ideas of my own and I was also considering a ‘Journey’ song. However I want to get your ideas as well. So any ideas?”
Kurt’s hand shot up and the teacher hesitantly called on him, “Yes Kurt?”
“Mr Schue, I’m sorry but I don’t have an idea,” Kurt explained, “I was wondering if I could just take a break and go for a walk on my own. I won’t be too long I promise.”
The adult surveyed his pupil, wondering what the right thing to do was. Kurt seemed to be emotionally unstable but maybe it would be good for him to have a breather.
“Do you want to wait for Blaine to come back first and then you can go together?” Mr Schue decided to ask, knowing that the former Warbler was the closet person to Kurt.
The teenager shook his head, “No thank you Mr Schue. I won’t be too long.”
Kurt stood up and quickly walked out of the choir room, leaving his belongings behind. He swiftly made his way to an empty auditorium, just needing to get away from it all. The young boy found himself sitting at the piano in the middle of the stage. He ran his fingers over the keys and pressed gently down on a few. Kurt could easily remember the times that his Mum had taught him how to play the piano and how they would always end up laughing together and singing silly songs, with his Dad chuckling at the pair of them. How Kurt missed those simpler times. How Kurt missed his Mum. He really wished that she was alive so she could look after him and tell him that it was all going to be okay. His Mum would know what to do and how to help him get better and move on. Kurt let out a sigh, knowing that he wasn’t being fair to his Dad and Carole. It was just that his Mum had been like a superwoman, always making him feel better and fixing everything during his childhood. His mind just couldn’t picture her in any other way. He supposed that it was also instinct to want your Mum in times of trouble. This linked to what Paul McCartney had written about his own mother Mary in the song ‘Let It Be’. All Kurt wanted and would probably want for the rest of his life was one more hug from his Mum.
Kurt glanced down at the piano and couldn’t help but smile as the song by the Beatles was running through his head. Before New York he would have simply started singing immediately, showcasing his voice to the world. He hadn’t attempted to sing since that hideous attempt in the car with Finn. He had been too scared to try again. What if he failed once again? Doctor Morgan had told him that he could still sing but that fear was holding him back and that he was sabotaging himself because of it. Kurt knew he had to try. He owed it to himself. He was all alone on a stage with a piano. He only had one song in mind. He had vivid memories of his Mum sitting at the piano with him and singing it with him as they played together.
Kurt started playing and waited until the right moment, before opening his mouth to try and sing, “When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me. Speaking words of wisdom, let I be.”
His voice sounded strange to his own ears. It was extremely pitiful but he was singing! Kurt closed his eye and pictured his mother Elizabeth Hummel sitting beside him as he played. He could imagine her comforting him and keeping him safe.
His voice grew louder and stronger, still sounding rough around the edges, “And in my hour of darkness, she is standing right in front of me.”
Kurt could picture his mother so clearly. He could practically smell the perfume that she had always worn and he could hear the sound of her joyful laughter, delighted with the fact he was playing so beautifully. His mother was there with him and she loved him, her baby boy.
“Speaking words of wisdom, let it be,” Kurt continued, clinging to the memory of his mother sitting by his side as he played the song for her, “Let it be, let it be. Let it be, let it be. Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.”
Kurt’s eyes snapped open at the sound of a door closing and he immediately stopped playing. The vivid image of his mother next to him, along with all that came with it, instantly vanished and the troubled boy was left all alone. In that moment, Kurt felt as if his mother had died all over again. She had been so close but now the moment was ruined. She would never be there to comfort him, to keep him safe or to love him. The last time Elizabeth Hummel did that, he had been eight years old. He could kid himself all he wanted or try to cling to her memory but his mother was never coming back. Kurt hoped that she was somewhere beautiful watching over him, but he would never know for sure. His mother would never come to him and offer him words of wisdom when he needed it. Kurt would have to live the remainder of his days without his Mum, as a motherless child.
The onslaught of emotion caught Kurt off guard as he tried to hold back the waterworks, but there was no stopping it. Kurt buried his face in his hands as he let out heart wrenching sobs, sometimes knocking the piano keys with his elbows. He tried so very hard to be okay but he wasn’t. He really wasn’t.
Kurt felt a pair of arms slip around his arm and felt himself be pulled against the owner’s chest, his head tucked underneath their chin. He knew instantly that he was being held by his boyfriend and he was in his arms. He knew Blaine would be frantic with worry at finding him in this state, especially after his little outburst in the choir room.
Blaine didn’t say anything as he held the boy he loved in his arms. He just let him cry and let out all his emotions until he was ready to talk.
Kurt pulled back slightly and whispered weakly, “Thank you.”
Blaine shook his head in response, “You never have to thank me for holding you when you need me to. Kurt… I heard you singing. It was so beautiful. What inspired you to sing?”
“Thank you,” Kurt muttered as he snuggled more into Blaine’s arms, “I was thinking of my Mum and how we would play the piano together, and sometimes we’d sing that song. Doctor Morgan said that the ability to sing was always there and that the skill would never go away, but me not being able to sing was all psychological and due to the fact Manson had choked me when I had sung.”
Blaine pressed a kiss to Kurt’s temple, “I knew you could do it. It just takes some time and for you to start to overcome your fear. Do you remember what we did at Christmas? We sung a Christmas duet together, continuing our tradition. We just leapt into the song and there was no time to think, no time to be scared or to worry. Your voice was quiet and I did sing the majority of the song, but you still sang!”
“Oh wow,” Kurt gasped as he recalled the previous Christmas, “I completely forgot about that. I’ve had so much going on so I guess it just slipped my mind. That gives me so much hope. I sang then and I’ve just sang now. I can do this. I can remove the memory of Manson choking me and enjoy singing again!”
“I know you can,” Blaine said with a determined look on his face, “I know it won’t be easy due to overthinking but you just have to power through with the knowledge that you have already sung and that you can do it again. ‘Let It Snow’ showed us that your ability to sing never went away. I promise you that I’ll help you to sing as much as possible and before you know it, you’ll love it as much as you did before and it won’t be tainted by any dark memories. Practice will help you get used to singing again and I’ll be there rooting you on.”
The two boys smiled at one another before Blaine quietly asked, “What got you so upset? You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”
A few moments went by before Kurt replied, “I do want to. Whilst I was singing, it was like… it was like my Mum was next to me. She was comforting me and loving me, keeping me safe from harm. I wondered what it would be like if she was alive now. My Mum always made everything better when I was younger and I wished she was here to do the same now.”
Blaine’s heart ached as he listened to Kurt speak about his dead mother his voice breaking every now and then. The former Warbler hated how his boyfriend never seemed to catch a break in life. It just seemed to be one thing after another.
The dapper boy suddenly got an idea, “How about we go to your Mum’s grave after we’re finished with Glee rehearsal today? You can talk to her and you can tell her how you feel if you want to. I think it’d be good for you.”
Kurt couldn’t help but sniff as he thought it over, “I’d love that.”
The two boys sat in silence as they both clung to one another, content in their embrace. The younger of the two would occasionally place a kiss to his boyfriend’s hair or temple, offering as much comfort as possible.
Eventually Kurt pulled away, “We had better get back before all of the New Directions come looking for us.”
Blaine nodded in agreement before retracting his arms from around his boyfriend and getting to his feet. He reached a hand out and helped Kurt to stand up. The two of them made their way out of the auditorium hand in hand.
“I got completely forgot to ask you!” Blaine suddenly exclaimed, startling Kurt in the process, “Do you like your ‘Wreck This Journal’? I bet it’s really fun! How much of it have you completed?”
Kurt was caught off guard, “I really like it. I’ve done so much already. It’s good.”
Blaine narrowed his eyes at his boyfriend, “You haven’t used it.”
“What?” Kurt tried to look outraged but gave up, knowing that he was caught, “Fine you got me. Blaine sweetie, it was a really thoughtful gift and I do like the idea of it. I tried to use it but… I just couldn’t bring myself to damage a book. You know I hate it when people fold pages in books or curve the cover. I know that the purpose of your present is basically to destroy it but I just can’t do it!”
Blaine just shook his head and chuckled, “I guessed that you wouldn’t be able to damage the book. It was just a fun present to help you with your boredom. I’m not upset that you haven’t used it.”
“I really appreciate the thought behind the gift,” Kurt said, a smile playing on his lips, “The instructions were amusing and I just wish that I wasn’t so weird about books that I could have a go.”
“Maybe one day,” Blaine mused, giving Kurt’s hand a gentle squeeze.
It wasn’t long before the two of them were back in the choir room. The occupants of the room stopped what they were doing and looked at the two boys who had just entered, glancing at the elder of the two with concern due to his red-rimmed eyes and tear-stained cheeks.
“Everything okay boys?” Mr Schue asked, eyeing Kurt with utter concern, hating that he didn’t know what to do to help his student.
Kurt didn’t say anything so Blaine had to reply for the both of them, “Everything’s okay, Mr Schue.”
Kurt hated the word ‘okay’. He absolutely detested the word. Everyone he knew was constantly asking him if he was okay. He clearly wasn’t ‘okay’ and he didn’t know when he would be or when he would start to be. He had to answer ‘yes’ otherwise it would cause worry and fussing. Nobody understood what he was going through, despite what they told him. Even his therapist had said that she understood what he was going through. This was bullshit in Kurt’s opinion. All her degrees and her qualifications didn’t mean that she had been through the torture, the humiliation, the forced sex and all the pain he had been through. He wondered how all his fellow survivors were getting on in the real world. He wondered if they were struggling like he was. Kurt wished he had a way to contact them but it hadn’t been one of times that everyone traded phone numbers. He could look them up on Facebook but he hadn’t been on that social networking site at all since his return. He didn’t really want to go on it.
“Well we have one song decided already,” Rachel stated, grinning widely, “The song is ‘Here’s To Us’ by Halestorm. I thought of it. It’s just perfect and just sums up life. I will be taking the lead of course.”
Kurt noticed the look of annoyance of both Santana and Mercedes’ faces but he didn’t say anything. He just wanted the rehearsal to be over.
Mr Schue clapped his hands together once again, “Right New Directions, I’d say that’s it for today. Any further comments or suggestions can wait until tomorrow. That includes you too Rachel.”
Kurt slightly smiled at that as he spotted Rachel’s pout from across the room. He grabbed his bag and Blaine’s hand again as they left the room and headed out to Blaine’s Prius. Kurt really missed driving but his Dad had thought that he should wait for a while and that it was better for him to be with someone. Basically Burt didn’t want Kurt to be on his own as the last time he had been, he had been snatched from the street and was gone for seven months.
Blaine and Kurt stopped off at a flower shop to purchase a small bouquet of lilies in a vase to place at Elizabeth Hummel’s grave as they had been her favourite flowers. Kurt remembered that they were always the flowers she would get on Mother’s Day or when Burt was surprising her. They headed to the cemetery where Kurt’s mother had been buried for over nine years. Kurt hadn’t been able to go to his Mum’s grave since he had gotten home from New York City. He had wanted to go but there had never been the time or an opportunity had never presented itself. He was incredibly happy that Blaine was taking him. He had really missed visiting his Mum. It made him feel like a bad son that he hadn’t been to see her.
The couple stopped in front of the headstone that read:
“In Loving Memory of Elizabeth Marie Hummel.
24th March 1980 - 12th September 2002
A Loving Wife to Burt and a Wonderful Mother to Kurt.
Who knew that angels lived amongst us? Let alone in our homes?
Until we met again.”
Kurt leaned forwards slightly and traced the word ‘mother’ on the tombstone, his eyes filling with tears at the memory of his own Mum. He took the lilies from Blaine and he did a spot of floral arranging as he made the flowers presentable, before placing them in front of the headstone.
“Would you like some time alone with your Mum?” Blaine asked, knowing that his boyfriend liked to have a quiet moment with his Mum and talk to her.
Kurt nodded so Blaine kissed his cheek and headed back towards the car, giving his boyfriend a moment of privacy.
Kurt knelt down at the grave, not caring if his trousers got dirty, “Hi Mummy. I’m back. I’m sorry it’s been so long. I miss you.”
The teenager took a moment to compose himself, “I really miss you Mum. Everything’s so messed up and I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to feel anymore and I just… I just wish you were here to hold me Mum. Don’t get me wrong, I’m so incredibly grateful for Dad, Blaine and everyone else but I wish you were here too. You always made everything better. I am trying though Mum, I’m really trying to be okay. I hope one day I will be.”
Kurt glanced at Blaine, who was standing by the car and waiting for his boyfriend to come back, “Blaine’s my rock Mum. You’d love him. He’s just perfect and I love him so much. Anyone else would have run a mile or two from all this but not my Blaine. He would never do that to me.”
“I need to get home Mum,” the young boy whispered as he realised how dark it was starting to get, “It’s getting dark and cold so it’s unfair of me to keep my boyfriend waiting. He’s such a gentleman that he’s standing by the car and waiting for me to come back. I know you would love him. Anyway Mum, I promise you that I’ll be back soon. I know it had been a while and I am sorry about that. I will visit soon. I promise you Mum. I love you so much and I miss you every day. Goodbye Mum.”
Kurt stood up and brushed all of the dirt from his trousers. He gave his mother’s grave one last look before turning back to the boy he loved standing by the car. Blaine pulled his boyfriend into his arms and held him when he reached him. No words were exchanged as the two of them stood in their embrace. The couple pulled apart after some time had passed and they silently got into the car. Blaine drove Kurt home but he couldn’t stay with him as he had promised his own Mum that he would actually be home for dinner this time. The former Warbler kissed his boyfriend goodbye and told him how much he loved him. Kurt returned the sentiment, before getting out of the car and going into his house.
Burt looked up from the TV when the door opened, “Hey kiddo, where have you been?”
Kurt sat down next to his Dad and rested his head on his shoulder, “Blaine and I went to see Mum.”
“I think that’s really nice, bud,” Burt said as he wrapped an arm around his son’s shoulders, “I hope it did you some good. Finn told me that you had a bit of an outburst at school.”
The young boy let out a sigh, “It was just... everyone was arguing about songs and making way too much drama. It just annoyed me that none of them realise how lucky they are in the scheme of things. They take everything for granted and don’t even realise that!”
“I know it’s hard Kurt but don’t take it out on your friends,” Burt told his son, giving his shoulder a gentle squeeze, “Maybe you need to talk to Doctor Morgan again and discuss what’s been going on. Do you want me to schedule an appointment?”
“No!” Kurt practically yelled, “I mean… it’s nothing to worry about or to discuss about. It’s fine.”
Burt watched is son with concern but before he could add anything, Finn bounced into the room and sat down in the armchair.
“Hey dude, are you okay now?” The tall boy asked his stepbrother, “It seemed that you were really upset earlier.”
Kurt shook his head, “I’m fine. I just got annoyed. It’s no big deal.”
Burt and Finn exchanged a worried look, neither of them too sure how to advance.
The youngest in the room suddenly spoke up, “Finn? Can I just say something? It’s about your engagement to Rachel.”
The quarterback sighed heavily but nodded, “Go on.”
“I think it’s great that you two are committed to one another,” Kurt began, trying to find the right words, “I just don’t see why you’re rushing. You could be engaged for a few years before you get married. It gives you the chance to grow as people before getting married. There’s no rush for you and Rachel to get married before you finish school.”
“I agree with Kurt,” Burt told his stepson, “There’s no rush for you to get married. Just enjoy this time with Rachel and enjoy the thrill of being engaged. You’re both so young. It also gives you the time to save up for your dream wedding.”
Finn sat there for a moment and thought about the advice that he had been given. Were they right?
Kurt stood up and stretched slightly, “I’m going upstairs to have a nap before dinner. It’s been a really long day.”
Burt watched as his son made his way upstairs. His heart broke as he thought about everything his boy was going through. He really hoped that things would get better soon. They just couldn’t get any worse. He didn’t know how Kurt would cope or if he’d be able to survive it this time around. That thought terrified him to his very core.
Kurt was sitting down, resting his head against the back wall in the choir room with his eyes closed. He hadn’t been sleeping very well, despite the medication that Doctor Morgan had given him. He could feel his boyfriend’s gaze on him but he didn’t have the energy to open his eyes and return his gaze.
Mr Schue walked into the choir room, looking extremely serious and solemn. He pulled up a chair and sat down so he was sitting in front of his students, able to address them all. Blaine nudged Kurt, causing him to open his eyes and realise that his teacher was waiting to talk to everyone about something.
Mr Schue looked around the room, “New Directions, I’ve just realised some terrible and upsetting news. It is distressing so Ms Pillsbury is willing to see anyone who wants to talk to her, even if it’s during class times. We are all here for you and I promise that we going to get through this together.”
The adult took a deep breath as he prepared himself, unable to take in how scared his students looked, “Principal Figgins has informed me that last night David Karofsky tried to commit suicide.”
There was a horrified gasp around the room as everyone tried to take the news in. Every single member of the New Directions was in complete shock. They couldn’t believe that Karofsky had tried to kill himself.
Kurt was in utter shock. He just couldn’t believe it. He thought back to all the phone calls that he had received from Karofsky after Valentine’s Day and how he had ignored them all. It was clear now why Karofsky had been calling him. He was calling for help. Kurt remembered that there had been a guy called Nick from Karofsky’s new school and how smug and arrogant he had looked when he had thought that the two of them were on a date. It seemed that the guy had realised that Karofsky was gay and had now outed him. Kurt hated the fact that he had ignored all the phone calls because he had thought it was Karofsky confessing his love again. He felt so incredibly selfish that he had made it all about himself when someone was in desperate need of his help.
“Do you have any idea why?” Finn asked his teacher, “It just seems so out of character. He seemed happy when he was here.”
Mr Schue took another deep breath, “David was outed as gay by another boy in his school. His classmates defaced his belongings with offensive words and slurs. They said horrific things to him, telling him that he had a disease and that he was an abomination to society. He was also told to kill himself repeatedly. It seemed that it was all too much for David so he tried to hang himself.”
“Karofsky is gay!?” Sam blurted out, “I thought that he was a homophobe. He was horrible to Kurt and wouldn’t leave him alone.”
“It all makes sense!” Puck suddenly exclaimed, “I saw Karofsky leaving Breadstix wearing a gorilla suit and looking really upset. I was really confused as I knew someone in gorilla suit had been giving my boy Hummel gifts and was claiming to be a secret admirer. I originally thought that Karofsky was messing with Kurt. Well that’s clearly not the case!”
Rachel turned to look at her friend, “Kurt? Did you know?”
Kurt couldn’t answer. He was trapped in his own mind, unable to comprehend what he had been told. David Karofsky had been outed at school and had been driven to such a dark place that he had tried to kill himself. Kurt couldn’t help but be reminded of the times that he was in a terrible and dark place and how he had just wanted to die. He had never tried to but the thoughts had always been there during the seven months in New York. He had had a few extremely dark thoughts since his return but those thoughts never lingered or lasted long.
“Kurt?” Blaine was gently shaking his boyfriend, trying to get a response.
Mr Schue knew he had to dismiss the group so Kurt could leave without being interrogated by everyone and pressured to talk about what he knew, “Okay everyone, Glee is cancelled for today. I know this terrible news has shocked everyone so I think we all need to take some time to let it soak in. Please go and see Ms Pillsbury if you need to. No matter what you want to say, it’s good to talk. Now, I want you all to meet me in the auditorium at the start of your final period. I have cleared it with all the teachers and Principal Figgins. I’ll see you all then. You can stay in here if you need to.”
Some members of the group left immediately while some stayed behind to discuss the situation and what they thought about it all. Kurt could hear Quinn saying how selfish Karofsky was. She continued talking about how she had gone through hard times but would never have considered taking her own life.
Kurt couldn’t take it anymore, “Do you know what Quinn? Some people go through situations where there is no way out and death seems like the best option. Being bullied for being gay is unlike anything else. It’s not just people at your school, it’s the people in the streets and your town, it can be your family and it’s even the government of your country. Karofsky was driven to suicide by the amount of abuse he got, the death threats and the suggestion that he is abnormal. Not everyone can cope with everything that is thrown at them. I know you went through hard times yourself with your pregnancy, your parents and being cut from the cheerios but there is no way you can compare that to what David has been through and to event what I have suffered at times. Sometimes a person can feel that there is no other way out of a situation but killing yourself. Sometimes those dark thoughts take hold of you and there’s no escape.”
“Kurt…” Quinn didn’t know what to say. Her friend sounded so pained as he gave that speech. It was as if he knew what he was talking about, which scared her senseless.
Kurt had to get out of there. It was all too much. He stood up and practically ran from the room, ignoring the calls of his name. He sprinted down the hallway, ignoring all the talk about Karofsky as he quickly made his way to the bathroom. Luckily the room was empty so it gave the teenager the chance to be alone and let everything wash over him. Kurt locked himself in a cubicle and sat down on the toilet seat, placing his head in between his knees and taking deep breaths. It didn’t seem to work.
Kurt laid on the disgusting and flea-ridden mattress, curling up in a ball. He couldn’t take it anymore. He couldn’t believe his life had come to this. He was now an official drug taking whore. He was so dehydrated that he had no energy and when Lee Briggs came to get him, Kurt just could barely stand. To watch as an illegal drug was injected into his veins just made the young boy realise how worthless his life was. He didn’t know how long he had been in this situation but this could be his life forever. There seemed to be no end to this torture. He couldn’t live like this anymore. He couldn’t continue to live in fear and wait to see if Manson would or wouldn’t torture him that day. Kurt knew he would probably get hit because he hadn’t immediately agreed to get up. He wondered whether he could antagonise Manson and his croons enough so they beat him to death. He could always try to escape again as there was a one hundred percent guarantee that he would get caught. Thomas Manson would definitely put a bullet through his head.
It didn’t matter to Kurt anymore whether he survived. Each day was hell and he just wanted out.
“Kurt?” He felt the mattress dip as James’ voice washed over him.
There was no reply so James continued speaking, “I know it’s hard but you have to keep fighting. You have to have hope. We will get out of here one day. You have to push back those dark thoughts. You are loved and we’re here to support you.”
Kurt turned his head at that, “There’s no fight left in me. All I have is those Neanderthals treating me like I’m worthless and all the voices in my head seconding it. I’m nothing and if I do get out here, like you say we will, I’ll just be a burden to my loved ones. I just don’t want to exist anymore.”
“You can’t give into those thoughts!” James urgently whispered, not wanting to draw attention to their conversation, “If you do, you’re letting them win! You’re letting Manson get to you! It know how incredibly hard it is, but you can’t do that Kurt!”
Kurt closed his eyes, grateful that he didn’t have the ability to cry anymore, “There’s no way to stop Manson getting to me. Even if I continue to fight it, I will break and I won’t be able to survive that.”
James took Kurt’s hand in his, “You have friends here who want to help you. I know it’s not the most ideal place to make friends but you’re stuck with us. Hayley, Luke and I are here for you, no matter what. We all know how dark our thoughts can get. You’re not alone in this. I know that can sound corny but that’s the best I got right now.”
“Thank you,” the pale boy whispered as he squeezed his friend’s hand, “Thank you. I’m glad I have a friend like you.”
Kurt was incredibly grateful for all the help his friend was offering him but in the end, what difference would it make? They were all trapped in a hideous situation where they could be there for the rest of their lives. How long would he have to keep fighting for? Could he really keep all these feelings at bay?
When Kurt managed to finally open his eyes, he was lying on a bed in the nurse’s office. The room was dark but he could make out his boyfriend sitting on the end of the bed looking down at him.
“Hey sleeping beauty,” Blaine whispered as he reached down to run his hand through Kurt’s hair, “How are you feeling?”
Kurt was utterly confused. The last thing he remembered was running away from the choir room and locking himself in a toilet cubicle. How on earth had he ended up in the nurse’s office?
Blaine could see how confused his boyfriend was so he decided to step in, “I ran out after you but I couldn’t find you for ages. I eventually found you but you were locked in a cubicle and not answering. I got on my knees and managed to look underneath the door. You were slumped against the wall, passed out. I managed to get the janitor and he got the door open. I carried you to the nurse and she made you laid down in here. She wanted to call your Dad but I persuaded her not to. I thought it’d be best to wait until you wake up.”
“I passed out?” That had never happened to him before, “For how long?”
“You were still out fifteen minutes after I took you to the nurse’s office. You briefly woke up but went back to sleep,” Blaine explained, continuing his stroking of his boyfriend’s hair, “The nurse said you were fine and it did seem you needed to catch up on sleep. You looked so tired today and I know you haven’t been sleeping well.”
Kurt leaned into Blaine’s touch, “I’m sorry to scare you.”
Blaine shook his head, “You don’t have to apologise. You can’t control any of this. I know you’re really struggling to cope with the news you received this morning. I’m guessing you had a flashback?”
“It just made me think of those times that I had dark thoughts and when I just didn’t want to exist anymore,” Kurt acknowledged, hating that he had to admit all of this to his boyfriend, “The flashback was me feeling all of those things, as well as my friend James talking to me about how I had to continue fighting those demons.”
Blaine leaned down and rested his forehead against Kurt’s, “Oh Kurt, I really wish I could take all of this away from you. Do you want to talk about how you felt?”
Kurt shook his head, “No, I don’t want to talk about me. Blaine… I have to ask. Am I responsible for Karofsky trying to kill himself? You know that he was ringing me and I didn’t answer! He was calling me for help and I rejected him! I left him to deal with everyone alone!”
Kurt was getting more and more frantic as he spoke. He had pushed Blaine backwards so he was sitting up himself and able to talk to his boyfriend. Blaine was shaking his head as Kurt talked, but the latter didn’t seem to know this.
Blaine had to stop this, “Kurt Hummel! Listen to me! You are not responsible for Karofsky trying to commit suicide. It was all those people at his school that are responsible. You have nothing to feel guilty about. It’s really sad to think about and I really feel for the guy, but it is not your fault.”
“Do you think… maybe we could try and see him in hospital after Mr Schue’s meeting in the auditorium?” The older boy asked his loved one, feeling like he actually needed to see that Karofsky was still alive.
“Of course baby, it’s that what you want,” the former Warbler replied, pulling his boyfriend into a hug and just holding him, knowing that he needed it.
Kurt sat outside the hospital room, clutching a bunch of flowers as he waited for Paul Karofsky to let him in. David was still on suicide watch but for some reason, Kurt had been allowed in to see him. Blaine was with him but had said that he thought that it might be better if Kurt see David on his own. He had thought that this was probably a good idea and it would give them some time to talk. Kurt had no idea what he would actually say to David.
Mr Schue’s circle time in the auditorium had been quite nice but Kurt didn’t really know what to take from it. It had been quite sweet seeing Rory eat peanut butter for the first time and it had been a way to lighten the mood slightly. Mr Schue had asked them to never consider killing themselves, no matter how they feel. That comment had annoyed Kurt slightly as there was no telling how one person might feel. It’s easy to promise to do that when you’re in a happy place in life or that your biggest worry was something totally irrelevant. He had technically already broken the promise as he had considered ending his life on numerous occasions. It again annoyed him when Mercedes had said that even though they are all very dramatic, none of them would ever do that. How could Mercedes know that for certain? She didn’t know what was going on in everyone’s heads. Just because she was fine didn’t mean everyone else was! It had shocked him when Mr Schue had told him that he had wanted to take his own life when he was a teenager, but he had been disappointed to learn that it was about the teenage Will Schuester feeling like it was the end of the world over an exam. His teacher didn’t understand what it was like to have these dark and depressing thoughts about ending your existence for days on end.
The Glee club leader had asked his students what they were all looking forward to and some of the answers might Kurt want to roll his eyes. Some were sweet but they were all meaningless in the scheme of things. He couldn’t help but smile when Blaine said he wanted to see marriage equality in all fifty states. That was something that he could look forward to. Most of everyone’s wishes were selfish and Kurt could even find it in himself to care when Rory said he was looking forward to winning Regionals. He clapped along with everyone else but it all felt like it was nothing. Of course he smiled and nodded like everyone else was, but he just didn’t get it anymore.
The door opened and Mr Karofsky stepped out of it, “Kurt? You can go in there now. I’ll let you two be alone. If you need anything, I’ll be right out here.”
Kurt nodded and got to his feet, glancing at Blaine for reassurance. His boyfriend smiled at him encouragingly and gave him a thumbs up. He slowly made his way into the room, ignoring the feeling of how much he hated hospitals. He took in the sight of David Karofsky lying in the hospital bed, looking tired and pale. He placed the flowers on the bedside table, before taking a seat next to the bed.
“Hi David,” Kurt’s voice came out in a pathetic whisper.
Karofsky didn’t say anything. He just stared at Kurt as if he couldn’t believe that the boy was actually in his hospital room visiting him.
“I’m so happy that you’re okay,” Kurt continued, trying to ignore how awkward he felt, “I’m so sorry I didn’t return any of your calls. I just wish I had as I might have been able to help you.”
Karofsky shook his head, “Please don’t blame yourself Kurt. It’s really okay. I completely get why you didn’t answer my calls. To you I’m the guy who bullied you and made your life hell, before suddenly confessing that I have feelings for you and asking you to be with me. To be honest, I probably would have judged you if you had answered my phones.”
Kurt let out a small smile at that, relieved to hear that Karofsky wasn’t blaming him.
“I don’t know how you did it,” Karofsky suddenly said, his voice breaking, “I made your life hell for months and months. I frickin’ hate kissed you! You’ve been through some extra crap with your whole disappearance but here you are. I was treated the way I treated you at McKinley and I couldn’t handle a week of it. It was too much. I’m so weak.”
Kurt leaned forward and tentatively placed his hand on David’s, “You’re not weak. It’s different for everyone and you would have been so overwhelmed. Being outed is just horrific. It damages a person and that’s what has happened to you. How did your family take the news that you’re gay?”
Karofsky let out a sigh, “My Dad is struggling but he’s mainly okay with it. My Mum… she’s against it. She told me I have a disease and that it can be cured. Azimio never wants to talk to me again and my other so-called friends have turned against me. Dad says I can go to a different school but what if it’s the same there?”
Kurt had to blink back a few tears after listening to how much pain his former bully was in, “I’m not going to lie to you. It won’t be easy. Some days will just suck big time and it seems there is nothing you can do. It’s important that you need to surround yourself with loved ones but screw them if they can’t accept you! You don’t need them if that’s the case! I know it does sound cliché but it does get better.”
“Thank you Kurt,” Karofsky whispered, “Have you ever felt like you wanted to die?”
Kurt held his breath, “I…”
David seemed to realise that he had hit a nerve, “You don’t have to tell me. If you do, I promise you that it won’t leave this room. Everything said here is just between us.”
Could he tell Karofsky about what happened to him? He didn’t think he could bring himself to talk about everything that went down.
“I have,” Kurt responded quietly, knowing that he could select to tell parts of his story, “I had moments in high story where I didn’t want to come to school anymore and I just wanted to stay in my room. I didn’t ever think about killing myself. I was always too concerned about my Dad’s health to think about that.”
Karofsky remained quiet as his crush took a couple of deep breaths to steady himself, “I’ve had thoughts about ending my existence but I never acted on them myself. I mainly had these thoughts when I was in New York, but I must admit that a couple of them have come back home with me as well. I don’t think I’ll ever act on them.”
“Would you tell me what happened to you?” Karofsky asked, almost scared to hear the answer.
Kurt shook his head, “I can’t go into details. I’ll admit I’m not in a great place right now so talking about it would break me. All I’ll say is that I was snatched off the streets by a group of men and basically held hostage for seven months. Let’s just say, they weren’t very nice people.”
Karofsky placed a hand on top of Kurt’s, “Wow. I’m so sorry to hear that. I can’t believe that happened to you. I promise I won’t say anything at all. Kurt… I’d really like it if we could be friends. I promise friendship is all I want. Maybe we could be there for one another? I could ring you if I need someone to talk to about this? You could ring me if you needed someone? I know you have Blaine and your friends, but I could always be an option?”
Kurt had to smile at that, “I’d love nothing more, David.”
The two new friends smiled at one another, glad that they were there for each other. The moment was ruined when the door to the room opened and Paul Karofsky stuck his head around.
“Hey boys, I hope I’m not interrupting anything. It’s just the doctor wants to come in and talk to David,” Mr Karofsky told the occupants of the room as he came and stood at the foot of the bed.
Kurt knew this was a sign for him to go, “I’m really glad you’re okay. If you need anything, don’t hesitate to call.”
“I will do. Thank you for everything,” Karofsky replied with a small smile.
Kurt smiled at David and his father before exiting the hospital room. He was incredibly grateful to see Blaine standing there waiting for him. Visiting his former bully had taken more out of him than he had realised. He immediately walked over to his boyfriend and threw his arms around him. Blaine had obviously predicted this move as he hugged him back straight away. It was times like this when Kurt didn’t know how he’d cope if he didn’t have Blaine. He could have been the one in the hospital bed, giving up on everything and trying to end his life. Blaine was constantly saving him.
“I love you so much,” Kurt whispered as he placed a kiss to Blaine’s jaw.
“I love you too, so very much,” Blaine instantly replied, hugging his boyfriend tighter.
It was times like this when Kurt wished he could stay in this moment forever and not face reality.
“We won!” came all the cheers from the New Directions as they crowded back into the choir room after their victorious triumph at Regionals.
The Warblers had come in second place, narrowly missing out on competing at Nationals. All of the Warblers had congratulated the New Directions, hugging their former members, Kurt and Blaine, and telling them to carry the torch for the Warblers. They had been invited out for a celebration but they had turned it down.
The fact that the New Directions had won Regionals meant that they were going to Nationals. It was weird for Kurt as this was actually the first Regionals competition he had won. The feeling was brilliant and he hoped that he would actually have the chance to compete at Nationals this year in Chicago. He was sincerely relieved that the competition wasn’t being held in New York again.
Kurt had managed to sing during the competition, something that he was incredibly proud of. He had initially struggled as he could feel himself panicking but he had had Blaine holding his hand at the beginning so this gave him the courage to try to sing. He was actually glad that he wasn’t singing a solo as he didn’t think he would have been able to lead his team to victory if that was the case.
Mr Schue got the winning team to stand in a show circle in the choir room, “New Directions! First place! Look out Nationals, we’re coming for you! I just want to say well done to everyone! You were all superb and I’m just so incredibly proud of you all!”
The teacher held the trophy in the air, causing everyone to cheer and clap. They had all worked hard to get to this stage. They had a second shot at Nationals and this time, they would not blow it!
Finn gave a small cough to capture the room’s attention, “Hey everyone, I just want to say well done and that we all did so well. We were the clear winners. Also um… Rachel and I have an announcement.”
Kurt raised his eyebrow at his stepbrother, wondering what he was about to say. He briefly wondered if he was going to say something stupid like they were going to get married after this, but decided that was too stupid to even consider.
Rachel smiled at all of her friends, “Obviously you know that Finn and I are engaged. We’ve been wondering when we should get married and we did wonder about getting married after we won Regionals…”
Kurt quickly wondered if he could get in touch with Barbara Streisand and get her to make Rachel see sense.
The small girl continued speaking to everyone, “Finn told me about his talk with Kurt and Burt about enjoying life. I’ve discussed everything with my own Dads as well. With everyone that has happened with Karofsky, I understand that it might make you think that life is too short but I get Kurt’s point about enjoying life and making the most of it. Finn and I have decided that we are just going to stay engaged for a while. There is no rush to get engaged and we can grow as people together. We just wanted you all to know that.”
The look of relief on everyone’s faces was evident to how happy they were to hear that the engaged couple were not rushing into a marriage they were not ready for. Kurt was so happy to know that he had actually gotten through to his stepbrother and he knew that his Dad would be too.
“Well I’m happy to hear it,” Mr Schue said with a relieved smile, “I’m glad you two are being so mature. Now I think we need to go out and celebrate! Breadstix?”
Cheers filled the airs as there were instant agreements to go out to Breadstix and celebrate their win.
“Hummel? Anderson? You two coming?” Puck yelled over to Kurt and Blaine.
Blaine replied before Kurt could say anything, “Of course we are!”
Kurt turned to look at Blaine in surprise, “Actually I might miss this one out.”
“Please come, Kurt!” Blaine pleaded, his eyes reminding Kurt of a puppy, “You deserve to celebrate. It’s been a really long week and I think you need a break. We don’t have to stay for long.”
Kurt had no excuse as to why he couldn’t go. He found himself agreeing to go and smiling when his boyfriend and his friends were happy that he was coming to celebrate. Kurt knew that he could act like he was in good spirits for the night and when he returned home, he could lock himself in his room and let himself truly feel. Kurt could feel his demeanour constantly chipping away and he didn’t know what would happen when it completely broke and his true broken and damaged self was revealed to everyone. In all honesty, Kurt was terrified to find out.
A/N: Hey everyone,
hope you’re all okay and that you enjoyed the chapter! I know it’s been a while
but sadly I’ve had so much going on! I turned 21 recently!!! :) I’m officially
an adult everywhere!!! I’m in my third year at university and it’s full on! I got
plenty of assignments to do, as well as a nine week placement in a primary
Life has had a few ups and downs, including: a douchebag guy who I am definitely better off without and some illness and a hospital trip. The illness actually delayed this chapter coming out as I was bedbound and my parents actually came to get me from uni and look after me at home for a while.
I am already looking forward to Christmas! Anyone who lives in the UK will have seen the John Lewis and Sainsbury’s Christmas adverts. Just melts your heart!
I hope that you enjoyed this chapter :) It took quite a lot of sad turns! More than I planned!Thank you to everything for reviewing, alerting this story and adding it to your favourites. It means so much to me and I love hearing what you think or any suggestions you have. I hope you are enjoying my other stories as well :)
Please review as I love hearing people’s opinions who read this story and knowing what they think, or any suggestions they have as I always appreciate it! I will always reply if you reply so fire away if you have questions or comments!
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