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I Have Nothing, If I Don't Have You

By Laura Bishop

Chapter 1

"It's two weeks until graduation guys. I want you all to think of the memories we shared together. Every one of you is special; being a part of something makes you special. Being in Glee club transformed you all and I am so proud to have known you. Now before we all start crying, your assignment of the week is to pick a song expressing how you've been feeling as the realisation of graduation and goodbye has been setting in. Now I'll see you all here this afternoon," said Mr Schue, clapping his hands together as the bell rang.

I picked up my satchel and followed Blaine out of the door, thinking all about graduation. I had been in glee club for five years and had been one of the five original members. I wasn't quite ready to give it up. The one thing I was actually excited about was that graduating meant I would finally go to New York, the place I had been dreaming of since I was a little boy. After my audition with 'Not The Boy Next Door', I was convinced I would get into NYADA. Carmen Tibideaux had told me Hugh Jackman would have been as impressed as she was if he had seen my audition. That surely meant she thought I would get into NYADA. It had been heartbreaking to see Rachel choke in her audition; especially on a song that she had apparently been singing since the age of two. When Rachel had sung 'Don't Rain On My Parade' at sectionals in our sophomore year it was perfect and absolutely breathtaking. I knew how devastated Rachel was. I knew she was determined to convince Carmen Tibideaux that she deserved to go to NYADA. I seriously hoped that she would get in and the two of us would go to New York together but I knew that was unlikely as Rachel had been given her chance. It would be unrealistic for her to get into NYADA after choking in her audition. I was glad I didn't stick with 'Music of the Night' as it was a safe and standard choice; despite Rachel's reassurance it was perfect. I was slightly suspicious that Rachel wanted me to sing it to hinder my own chance but I would never view those views aloud; especially after what happened. I was still in awe over what Ms. Tibideaux had said and that she had congratulated me on taking such a risk. To hear that woman praise you was a dream come true for any wannabe Broadway star. Everyone knew the tales of her wrath. After my audition I had jumped straight into Blaine's arms. I was rewarded with endless praise and a sweet and loving kiss from my boyfriend. I hadn't talked about NYADA much since the audition; knowing that both Blaine and Rachel weren't the biggest fans of the topic as Rachel had choked her audition and Blaine was worried about our relationship and whether we could do a long distance one.

I snapped out of my thoughts and saw Blaine slightly ahead of me. I frowned as usually he would walk by my side but it seemed he was anxious to get away from me.

"Blaine?" I called out across the hallway, causing him to stop. I hurried over to him, "Are you okay honey?"

Blaine kept his eyes away from meeting mine, "Yeah I'm fine. Just tired recently and got a lot of school work on."

This instantly reminded me of the time Blaine had been acting distant and kept pushing me away leading me to meet Chandler and start texting him. This came with the whole thing that Blaine thought I was cheating and we both sang songs and lead to the true in Ms. Pillsbury's office that Blaine was worried about me going to New York and forgetting him. I wondered if this was linked to the same thing. I knew he was worried about our relationship status when I reached New York but I prayed to Gaga that he would talk to me first before doing something stupid. I hoped Blaine was just tired, but even still he would usually come and talk to me.

I reached up and cupped Blaine's face with my right hand, "Are you sure sweetie? I'm here if you need to talk."

To my surprise Blaine pushed my hand away, "Kurt just stop it! I'm fine! Quit bothering me!"

Blaine turned away and walked quickly from the corridor, disappearing from my view. I just stared after him in shock, trying to digest what had just happened. I quickly blinked away the tears I could feel pooling up in my eyes. I walked to my locker so I could just bury my head in there and not focus on the eyes I felt on me. I reached up to enter my locker combination when I felt a hand slip into mine. I wished it was Blaine's but knew different; plus I knew what Blaine's hand felt in mine. I turned to see Tina smiling sadly at me.

"Kurt, are you okay? I just saw what happened," Tina squeezed my hand sympathetically.

I tried to smile back at her but it was more like a grimace, "Yeah I'm okay. It's just...Blaine's acting weird again but this time he's openly pushing me away and I...I don't know what to do."

Tina pulled me into a hug, "Kurt it'll be okay. I'm sure you'll talk to Blaine before Glee this afternoon."

I hugged her back, "I thought he was okay about me going to New York."

Tina pulled back from me and put her hands on my shoulder, "I'm sure he is. Look Kurt, I'm in the same situation as Blaine. We're both juniors watching the people we love go to college in another state. This is hard for him but don't let him close up on you. Talk to him and try to get him to open up. I don't think any of us want to see Klaine falling apart like last time."

I nodded and dabbed at my eyes, ensuring there was no evidence of tears, "Thanks Tina. I don't know what I'd do without you. I better get to my lesson."

Tina smiled, "You too Kurt, you're one my best friends. Me too, see you in Glee if not before."

Tina kissed my cheek before heading back up the corridor. I opened my locker and grabbed my English book, before shutting it and heading to my class. I walked into the classroom and slipped into a seat next to Quinn, relieved I had got there before the teacher. I was so happy Quinn was now out of her wheelchair. She had never deserved any of the bad things she had been through. She was a good friend of mine since the whole baby gate in our sophomore year. Quinn smiled at me as our teacher walked in and I winked back at her. The lesson droned for the hour with the teacher just reading out the play of 'Othello', doing different voices for individual characters. Every lesson I ever had with Miss Michele involved her doing everything herself. She was clearly one of those women who was in love with themselves and thought they were spectacular; my mind immediately linked Rachel with this woman. When the bell rang I started putting my books in my satchel and pulled out my phone, hoping for a text from my boyfriend. I know it was a long shot and of course I was right; no text.

"Hey what's up with you?" I heard Quinn ask as people started to leave the classroom.

"Nothing I'm fine." I replied, pocketing my phone.

"You know when someone says that, it usually means the opposite." Quinn said, hooking her arm around mine as we headed out of the classroom. Sometimes she still needed a little bit of support when walking.

I smiled at her, "Wise words Miss Fabray. I'm sure it'll all be okay."

"Do you want to talk?" Quinn looked at me questioningly.

I shook my head, "No I'm good. I'll talk to you if I need your help."

Quinn nodded, "Good. I'll be waiting anxiously by the phone."

I laughed at her words and squeezed her hand. Quinn squeezed back before pulling her hand away and slowly walking down the hallway. I watched her go and turned to see Puck walking towards me. Knowing what he was about to do, I ducked, just as Puck went to ruffle my hair.

"Damn Hummel, you're too quick for me!" Puck laughed, holding his arm out for a fist bump.

I laughed too and fist bumped him back before saying my goodbyes and making my way to the library to get on with some homework, plus I could look up some songs to sing with Glee; possibly a duet for Blaine and I.


I was disappointed I hadn't seen Blaine at all at lunch and that he hadn't even warned me I was going to be eating alone. I wandered along the school corridor, wondering what to do with myself before Glee club. My mind kept going back to Blaine and wondering where he was and what was going on with him. I went to my locker and put away my English notes, glancing at the photos that I had put up in my locker. There were so many pictures of the last three years of the Glee club. The biggest picture I had was one of Blaine in his Dalton uniform and underneath that had a collection of photos with the two of us. My eyes lingered on the photo of me looking at the camera grinning and actually showing teeth while Blaine was looking at me; his eyes full of love and the biggest grin on his face. Where had we gone wrong? We were now at the point where Blaine was ignoring me and pushing me away.

I sighed to myself and shut my locker, leaning my head against it. I decided to go and see if Blaine was in any of the empty classrooms. I knew he wasn't in the auditorium as Rachel was in there and I knew he wasn't in the choir room as Mercedes, Santana, Brittany and Sugar had booked it to work on the Troubletones number for Nationals. I pulled myself off my locker and went in search of my boyfriend. I eventually found him with his head on the desk in the fifth classroom I checked; the French classroom which made no sense as Blaine didn't take French, only I did out of the two of us. Blaine knew Italian and I knew French. When Blaine either spoke in Italian or sang in Italian, it just took my breath away. It was so hot. Blaine said he felt the same when I spoke or sang in French.

I walked into the classroom and shut the door behind me, "Blaine? Are you okay?"

Blaine lifted his head off the desk and looked at me, "Kurt? What are you doing here?"

I drew a chair and sat down opposite, "I came looking for you. I'm worried about you. You're acting strangely," I reached out and took Blaine's hands in mine, "You're pushing me away again."

To my surprise Blaine pulled his hands out of mine, "I'm fine! For Christ's sake Kurt stop trying to interfere. I told you I'm tired and have a lot of school work on."

I just scoffed, "Blaine do you think I don't know you or something? We've been best friends for nearly two years and been dating for over a year. I know when you are lying to me. I don't get why you are."

Blaine sighed, "I thought you'd see right through me. That's why I was acting and distant and trying to be aloof."

I frowned at his words, "Why?"

Blaine smiled sadly at me, "Because I'm sad."

My frowned deepened at his words, "Blaine..."

Blaine this time took my hands in his, "I love you Kurt."

I squeezed his hands, "I love you too Blaine Anderson."

Blaine shut his eyes and paused, "That's why I have to let you go."

I gasped, pulling away from Blaine at his words, "Blaine... what... I don't... what... what do you mean?"

Blaine tried to reach for my hands again but I refused to let him have them, "Kurt you have to understand..."

I shook my head, "You're not helping me understand at all. What happened to never saying goodbye to one another? I said those words when I came back to McKinley and you sang 'Somewhere Only We Know'. I meant what I said but did you?"

I watched Blaine take a deep breath, "Of course I did Kurt. I just wish this didn't have to happen."

"I..." I tried to control my breathing, "What exactly has to happen Blaine?"

Blaine once again squeezed his eyes shut, "We have to break up Kurt. Who are we kidding about long distance? You're going to go to New York and I'll be left here waiting for your calls, texts, Skype calls or emails... just anything. Soon or enough the number of those will dwindle until we hardly talk and neither of us will want to break up but know it is the best option. We'll break up after a horrible fight and not only will I lose my boyfriend and love of my life but I'll lose my best friend too and be all own at McKinley."

I stared at my boyfriend, worried he would soon be my ex, "I love you Blaine and that wouldn't happen. I don't want anyone else apart from you. We talked about this only a few weeks ago. I promised you that you wouldn't be alone and that you aren't going to lose me. I don't understand what is going through your brain."

Blaine just looked at me, "Kurt you'll be fine. You're going to New York and it will be the start of this fantastic chapter of your life. You and I have watched the Notebook together and know what happens with long distance. You'll go to New York and meet someone who you'll fall in love with and I'll just feel like an obligation to you when you want to live your new life, holding your back to your old life in Ohio."

I could feel tears desperately trying to escape my eyes, "So what if you're linking me back to my life in Ohio? My Dad and Carole will be linking me here, being part of the New Directions and Warblers will link me back to Ohio and you will. Blaine I don't know how many times I have to say but I don't want anyone else. So what if I met someone? They won't hold a candle to how much I love you and want you forever. Yes we've seen the Notebook but I always imagined the end of my life to be in a nursing home talking about my first love and then for him to be there with me, telling me to be quiet as he's trying to re-read Harry Potter for the millionth time."

I saw Blaine's lips twitch into a smile for a second before his face became serious again, "The end of your life is a long way away Kurt and you can't be certain that you'll want me forever. I don't want you go to New York and hate me because I'm holding you back."

I could feel tears running down my porcelain cheeks, knowing I was fighting a losing battle as Blaine had made up his mind, "I'll never hate you. I could never hate you no matter what."

I could see Blaine had tears in his eyes, "I'm sorry Kurt but I need to let you go and you need to let me go."

"Why now?" I had to ask, "Graduation isn't for a few weeks and we have nationals before that."

The tears spilled out of Blaine's eyes, "I just can't keep being with you knowing that the end is nigh. It hurts too much."

I tried to calm down but the tears wouldn't stop and my breathing wouldn't calm down, "Blaine I need you. Please oh please don't do this... don't do this to us!"

Blaine leaned forward and pressed a kiss to my forehead before resting his forehead against mine, "It's for the best my love. I'll always love you Kurt."

And with that Blaine walked out of the room, not looking back at me as I dissolved into hysterical sobs unsure what to do. I just buried my head in my arms and cried. I had just lost the love of my life. I had never wanted or would ever want anyone else. Blaine was it for me and I knew it. That time when I had been texting Chandler wasn't because I wanted Chandler, I just enjoyed the attention and would have much rather receive attention from Blaine.

Eventually I had to leave the classroom, knowing that the janitors would start coming round soon. I started to make my way to the choir room, knowing I looked a mess. As I started walking down the corridor I bumped into Joe and Quinn.

Quinn gasped when she saw the state I was in, "Kurt, oh my god, what's wrong?"

I shook my head, "Nothing it's fine."

Joe glanced at me, "Kurt I haven't known you as long as Quinn here but I can tell you're not fine. If you need to talk, like after the Karofsky thing, I'm here for you and I'm praying for you too."

"Thanks Joe," I turned to look at Quinn, "I'm fine Quinn. I'll talk to you later. I'll see you in Glee okay?"

Without letting them say anything, I turned away from them and starting walking away.

I opened my mouth and just let the words come out:

"If anyone asks,I'll tell them we both just moved onWhen people all stareI'll pretend that I don't hear them talk"

I spotted Blaine and Sam walking towards me chatting away, probably about their favourite films. I leant against a locker near mine and pulled my phone out, pretending I was fine and seeing Blaine wasn't breaking my heart.

"Whenever I see you,I'll swallow my prideand bite my tonguePretend I'm okay with it allAct like there's nothing wrong"

I put my phone away and sighed, squeezing my eyes shut as I wanted the pain to stop.

"Is it over yet?Can I open my eyes?"

I opened my eyes to see Blaine and Sam walking into the choir room, ready for Glee club.

"Is this as hard as it gets?Is this what it feels like to really cry?Cry"

I spotted Tina looking at me with a frown but I just tried to smile at her and turned to my locker.

"If anyone asks,I'll tell them we just grew apartYeah what do I careIf they believe me or not"

The minute I opened my locker I was hit with memories of Blaine. I just stared at him in all the photos with me before slamming my locker shut, trying to remember how to breathe.

"Whenever I feelYour memory is breaking my heartI'll pretend I'm okay with it allAct like there's nothing wrong"

I made my way to the choir room door before realising there was no way I could go in. I immediately turned on my heel and ran the opposite way. To my surprise I found myself on the stage in the auditorium as the band behind me played the heartbreaking music.

"Is it over yet?Can I open my eyes?Is this as hard as it gets?Is this what it feels like to really cry?Cry"

I thought I heard a door open but I had my eyes shut so I couldn't see if this was true. If I had opened my eyes I would have seen the rest of the New Directions and Mr Schue at the back watching my heartbreaking performance with wide eyes.

"I'm talking in circlesI'm lying, they know itWhy won't this just all go awayIs it over yet?Can I open my eyes?Is this as hard as it gets?Is this what it feels like to really cry?CryCry"

I fell to my knees as sobs wracked my body. I took a deep breath and managed to stand up, despite the tears that wouldn't stop falling. I nodded to the band and quickly ran off the stage, my hand over my mouth trying to muffle my sobs. If I had looked before I left, I would have seen my ex boyfriend in the same state as I was trying to hold it together.

A/N: I had this idea a few weeks before Glee ended and had to get it posted. I still can't believe that Kurt didn't get into NYADA. In my original idea for this, Kurt had already got into NYADA but decided to change the story slightly to fit with the episode. I can't believe Glee is ended I know Rachel sung this in Choke but I felt this song was fitting for Kurt's situation plus none of the Glee club would have seen Rachel sing it.

I hope you enjoyed this chapter please review

Thank you


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