"No…" Jess warned just a second too late.
Deeks felt the hand on his shoulder and within seconds twisted, locked his fists together and smashed Sam in the solar plexus winding him.
"Don't touch me!" Deeks growled.
Sam doubled over as Deeks rapidly backed away.
"I...I didn't ….I…" Deeks looked horrified that here, in the boat-shed of all places he had hit a teammate. "Sam I…" he backed away as they all looked at him worried.
"Deeks...Stop." Sam straightened up and moved towards him.
Deeks backed himself into a corner, his mind mixing flashbacks of his father with images of Sam.
He dropped to the floor covering his head.
"Mr. Deeks." Hetty's voice cut through the chaos in his mind.
"Hetty?" Deeks' voice was smaller, scared even. A part of Deeks cringed, this was something he had never hoped they would see.
"Why couldn't you just leave it alone." he cried, his shoulders shaking as he silently sobbed and turned his face away in shame.
"Deeks we want to help you." Kensi said softly trying to touch him but pulling her hand away as he flinched at her touch.
"We need to call Pete." Jess said to Hetty writing a number down. "He trusts Pete."
Hetty nodded, "Mr. Beale, call this number and have someone pick up Mr…?" She looked at Jess for confirmation of Pete's surname.
"Just Pete...or Sarge, tell him the kid needs him." Jess said to Hetty.
Deeks stood up, knowing that all his exits were blocked, he headed for the bathroom covering his acute need to be alone.
Kensi stood up to follow, but Callen stopped her. "Let him have his space Kens, beside we need to talk. All of us."
He moved to the large table and sat down, the others following suit.
"What set this off?" Kensi asked.
"Sam and I did." Callen admitted.
Kensi's eyes widened, "I thought you had changed your mind? Deeks was off, I told you that...What the hell did you do to him to leave him in that state?" she ranted.
"We followed him, I was worried after his run in the other day that he would be leaving himself vulnerable to attack, I mean he knows some moves, but not enough to defend himself or us against a surprise attack. I didn't want him to become another Dom." Sam said to a hushed table.
Jess shook her head, "I thought you worked with him, you knew him. How on earth did you think that jumping him, in that alley of all places was going to help?"
"It's just an alley. Deeks needs to be prepared for anything." Sam argued.
Jess wiped a tear of frustration that leaked from her eyes, "He hasn't told you?" She suddenly realized.
Sam turned and looked at her, "Told us what? He shouldn't keep secrets from his team."
Jess stood up and thumped her hands down in anger on the table.
"You call yourselves his friends. My God if he has friends like you I would hate to see his enemies."
"We were doing it for his own good. He needs to toughen up, not be so flippant all the time, every time he turns things into a joke. He needs to take self awareness and self defense seriously."
Jess' face darkened.
"He takes self defense deadly seriously." She said, "He's been an expert in that his whole life."
Deeks locked the door to the bathroom and sank to his knees his arms over his head.
This wasn't supposed to happen, he was supposed to keep this hidden, never tell, never show weakness.
It had worked fine so far, he would take this week off knowing that he was more vulnerable this week than any other.
"Stupid. Stupid. Stupid!" he admonished himself. "I need to get out of here."
He stood up and started pacing, "I need air." he ran some water in the sink and washed his face trying to cool down.
Catching sight of his reflection in the mirror he saw the angry face of his father staring back at him.
"They are going to know what you did, you disobeyed me boy, you got her killed...you killed the baby it was your fault."
Deeks curled up his fist and punched the mirror with a resounding crack a spiderweb of lines emanating from the epicenter that was his fist, small trickles of blood came dripping down the broken mirror to form a grotesque art form in the porcelain sink below. He stared at the flowing blood, unwilling to stop it as it was payment for the life he stole.
If he had been better behaved his father wouldn't have gotten mad at him and if he hadn't run his mother wouldn't have had to protect him and she and his unborn baby sister wouldn't have died.
Even though he knew better, the thoughts wouldn't stop he hadn't had the time to work through the demons he had known were coming and put them away.
He felt trapped and he didn't like it.
The way he saw it he had two choices, he could face them, let them know what he was thinking and feeling or he could go out fighting.
He laughed to himself, the idea of trusting them enough was laughable. They had followed him, attacked him, in his alley. Leaning forward putting his head on his knees he let a few tears fall at the betrayal he felt. He had nearly lost all his sanity a year ago fighting to keep Sam and Michelle safe and this was how Sam treated him.
His fists balled up in anger as he thought about the pain he had gone through protecting Sam and Michelle.
Standing up he looked in the mirror, seeing more his father than himself he was furious and the blood pounded through his head.
"SAM!" He yelled as he slammed open the door to the bathroom making the whole boathouse shake. He stormed into the main room ignoring the others and a part of him was wishing he hadn't left his gun in his bag having taken it off earlier to give back with his resignation letter.
Pete had just walked in the door and was being introduced to Hetty and the others as the building shook.
"SAM!" Deeks snarled as he came barreling out of the bathroom and headed at full pelt towards the man.
Pete stepped in front of Sam and grabbed Deeks wrestling him to the ground in a choke-hold.
"Getoffme…" Deeks snarled wriggling and fighting the hold.
"It's ok kid, I got ya...you're safe." Pete said calmly.
"No… 's not fair...Sam...he...the alley...hurt her...they...they want me to...not gonna tell.." Deeks gasped as he slowly calmed down.
"Deeks, it's ok, no one is going to hurt you." Callen said crouching down to Deeks' eye level.
Deeks struggled even more.
"I trusted you…" he looked away. "All I wanted was to be trusted. I tried…."
Pete rocked him, "You're safe with these people kid."
"No...I'm not safe, they hurt me."
"Deeks I made a mistake, I'm sorry." Sam said stepping into his sightline.
Deeks squirmed moving closer to Pete.
"I can't breathe…" he gasped.
Pete nodded knowing what he needed. "Come on kid."
He stood up and held his hand out, "You're not gonna be alone, but you can come with me."
He stood between Deeks and the others. "Give us a few hours. The kid needs space and air and water." He grinned at the last one knowing Deeks as well as he did.
Kensi understanding her partner's need for the ocean nodded. "Go...but come back when he's ready." She turned to Deeks, "Let us be there for you Marty, we won't judge you, we want to help. To understand what we did wrong and to be there to fix it."
Deeks wouldn't look her in the eye. How could he tell her that they weren't wrong he was and they couldn't fix him as he was broken beyond repair.
An hour later found him sitting on the beach as Monty ran up to the waves barking, grabbing his ball and running back to his master and Pete sitting silently in the sand.
"You need to talk to them." Pete said
Deeks looked away, "Why?" he asked.
"Do you remember when that Lange woman offered you the job at NCIS." He waited and when Deeks didn't reply he continued. "You came running into the shelter, happy you had been picked for the liaison position by someone who knew about your background and knew that despite the horrors you had seen, that you would be an asset to the team. You would have people who respected you and whom you could respect...Do you remember?" he asked again.
Deeks nodded, he had been so happy having worked with the team once or twice, they had been there for him when Jess Traynor was murdered, Hetty herself offering him a safe place away from the shelter to rest up. She had known, (God only knew how) about his PTSD, she had said it wouldn't matter. She had argued with his boss about him being assigned the position at NCIS and had won.
Deeks had been thrilled that someone cared enough to fight for him.
As if he was listening into his thoughts Pete spoke, "They care about you kid, people do care."
"They don't know me." Deeks mumbled.
Pete smiled. "Let them in, let them know you. The you your Ma and the rest of us know."
Deeks shook his head, "They find out how broken I am and they won't want to be near me anymore. I betrayed them. I should have watched my back like Sam said. I should have been stronger so they wouldn't have had to…"
"Stop!" Pete yelled so loudly that a few startled seagulls took off and flew away.
"What happened to you wasn't your fault, we have been over this. Your team don't know what happened to you and they can't help you until you let them in. I promise kid, both your Ma and me will be there. If they don't back you I personally will help you fight your way out of there and you'll never go back." He watched as he saw Marty smirking at the idea of Pete and him fighting back to back to escape the boat-shed.
"Give yourself a chance kid, you deserve it."
Marty nodded and standing up helped the older man get to his feet.
"You ready to go kid?" Pete asked him.
Deeks nodded, "Yeah...but I still want a piece of Sam."