Love, Agony, and Sisters
Disclaimer: Still don't own Twilight. That's Stephanie Meyer. Some quotes are from the books New Moon and Breaking Dawn.
I would stay. I would stay for my family. They needed me; I knew this to be true. Running away wasn't an option. I looked back at my future sister-in-law and noticed her apologetic look was still on her face. She looked like she was waiting for yelling to take place. John however was stationed at the door like he was going to prevent me from running. He looked at me in concern, the same concern he'd had in the car. My gaze drifted back to the Cullens. I avoided looking at Edward. The shock was still visible on all their faces. Slowly, a grin made its way on Alice's face. The pixie ran over to me and embraced me in a big hug. I was slightly shocked but hugged her back. I had truly missed Alice, my best friend.
"I missed you so much, Bella." said Alice while hugging me. She missed me?
"I missed you too, Alice." I replied before we parted. Her grin was still in place.
"You're still my best friend right, Bella?" said Alice with a hopeful expression. She still wanted me to be her best friend? I was completely confused. Didn't she not want me around? Wasn't that why she left?
"Yeah Alice, I'm still your best friend." I responded with a smile. It is great to see Alice again. I had missed her. I had missed them all, especially Edward. The departure of Alice and him were the hardest on me. They were the closest Cullens to me. Alice has been my best friend since the James incident. We had gotten close, especially in the summer. Nothing was going to change that. Her leaving may have hurt but that doesn't change the way I feel about her or any of the Cullens, not even Edward. I took another glance at everyone and asked the question I had been asking myself. "What are you all doing here?" I asked the Cullens. Jasper stood up and walked in mine and Alice's direction.
"We came here because Anne invited us to her wedding." Jasper replied. Of course she did, I thought to myself. This was an Anne move. She had always been the one to pull this type of thing. I turned to her and cross my arms as if I were demanding an explanation. She let out a nervous shrug.
"I had a vision." stated Anne. She continued. "I had a vision about all of us being happy for once and with them. It was like we were a family. Pain was no longer present. We were all just happy. Even Johnny-Boy here was happy and that's an absolute miracle." continued Anne, looking at John. I smiled. She always enjoyed picking on her brother. John glared at her.
"I can be happy. I just…choose not to be." replied John. Anne and I laughed. I gazed back at the Cullens. Jasper stood up and walked over to me.
"Bella, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for attacking you on your birthday. It's my fault everything is like this. If I hadn't attacked you-" apologized Jasper. I cut off his last sentence by placing a finger on Jasper's lips.
"Jasper, I don't blame you. You have nothing to be sorry for. It's not your fault. As for the accident on my birthday, I've already forgiven you for that. I forgave you the moment it happened. You didn't have any control over it. I know that. It's ok. I never blamed you." I responded. Anne looked at him.
"I told you, Jazz Man, that she forgave you." added Anne. Emmett walks up and picks me up while embracing me. It was one of his bone crushing hugs, the ones that would have hurt me had I still been human.
"I missed you, Bella. You're my favorite clumsy, blushing, human" yelled Emmett. I laughed as he swung me in the air.
"I missed you too, Emmett. You do realize I'm not human anymore right, Emmett?" I laughed.
"Well yeah but who cares. You're still my favorite." replied Emmett. I chuckled again.
"Well, you are my favorite teddy bear of a brother." I added. He laughed and let go of me. Carlisle and Esme then came up and hugged me.
"We missed you, sweetheart." said Esme, sweetly and motherly. I close my eyes. I missed Esme and Carlisle so much. They were like my second parents. They accepted me into their family. It was something I had always been grateful to them for.
"I missed you guys too. You guys are like my second parents." I commented. Esme smiled at me, as did Carlisle.
"You are like our daughter, Bella. We love you very much." replied Carlisle. They held on to me for a few minutes. When we parted, I saw Rosalie come up and hug me. That shocked me. I'd always thought she had hated me.
"I'm sorry, Bella. I'm sorry we never got along. I'm sorry I treated you so badly. I really do care about you, Bella. I was just jealous. You could have had all the things I wanted. You could be human when I couldn't. You had the opportunity to have kids, an opportunity I wish I had. I resented you for that. But I never hated you. I'm sorry. I realize now how much Edward loves you. I really did miss you, Bella." said Rosalie. I hugged her back.
"I missed you too, Rosalie. I've always admired you for your strength and the way you get protective of your family. You're a great woman." I replied. She smiled.
"Thank you, Bella." she said. "I really do love you like a sister. It just took me a while to accept you." I nodded.
"It's ok, Rosalie. I hold nothing against you." I commented before we parted. My topaz eyes then met his. We stared at each other for about a minute before Anne chimed in.
"I think we should give them some privacy. Why don't we go to the field and play some baseball?" suggested Anne.
"YES! Let's do it." yelled Emmett. I chuckled. Anne and the others left while I stared at Edward.
I knew I had missed him but I never knew I missed him this much. I stared into his eyes and the wound in my chest opened further. I saw the pain hidden in his eyes and couldn't help but wonder as to why those feelings were in his eyes. Edward walked up to me, so close that I suddenly felt like I needed to touch him, to hug him. But that need was satisfied when Edward embraced me.
"I'm so sorry, Bella. I'm so sorry." whispered Edward in my ear. Why was he sorry, I wondered. I melted into his hug. "I never should have left you. I missed you so much, Bella. I thought I had lost you." I was confused. Why did he miss me when he didn't want me? We parted from our embrace which was warmer than I remember. Although since I'm a vampire, it makes perfect sense seeing as I'm the same temperature he is.
"I don't understand." I admitted. His eyes looked into mine, containing an emotion I could not quite determine in his eyes.
"Bella, I love you." declared Edward, stunning me completely. He loves me? My mind raced due to all the confusion. What happened? He told me he didn't love me. One of those statements was false. The question that remains is: which one is the lie? The doubt must have been visible in my eyes that had used to contain the color of brown because he continued, reassuring me. "Bella, I really do love you. Everything I said to you that day in the forest that day was an absolute lie. I lied to you because I needed you to let go. You weren't letting go. I needed to say something so you could move on with your life after I was gone. I didn't want to leave but I had to." explained Edward. Too bad it wasn't a good enough explanation. I was still baffled. If he loved me, why leave?
"Why did you have to leave?" I asked quietly, so low that no human would have heard me. I couldn't say it any louder. The pain was flooding back along with the memories of that horrific day, the day my world came crashing down. I remembered every word. Edward asking me to walk with him to later tell me he doesn't want me.
"You… don't… want me?" I had asked at the time.
"No." he had replied.
It's surprising how much one miniscule word could affect a person. That one word tore my heart into pieces and opened an unbearable wound in my chest. My heart had ached for him the last ten years nevertheless. Despite his words, I still had missed him. The evidence of him from my brain, my human memories, never faded. The memories were still as clear as they had been when I was mortal. I had been lucky to retain my memories from my human life. They had left me of some undeniable proof of his existence in my life. They comforted and pained me. Two conflicting emotions hit me because of them: love and agony. Agony because of how much his words toward the end of our relationship hurt. Love because regardless of how much he hurt me, I will always love him.
I watched Edward, waiting for his reason as to why he left. He heard my question. I knew that and he seemed to be contemplating his answer before gazing back into my eyes with even more agonizing pain than I had. Is it possible he suffered as much, if not more, as I? Could his leaving possibly have hurt him too? I listened as his smooth, musical voice formed words into explanations. Edward looked down, guiltily.
"I thought I was protecting you." Edward finally answered almost a whisper to even vampire hearing. I stared at him. He thought he was protecting me? What did he want to protect me from? What could have been so dangerous that he would leave me to keep me safe? None of his words were making any sense. Edward glanced up at me and saw my incomprehensive look and sighed. "I wanted you to have a normal life, Bella. You know that. I thought that if I had left you, you could have that. I put you in so much danger just by being around you. If something were to have happened to you because of me, I would feel guilty for the rest of my existence. But I couldn't turn you into a vampire. I couldn't take away your soul. I couldn't turn you into a monster like me."
"First of all: Wasn't it my choice? I wanted to be with you more than anything. My life was nothing without you. I felt this dark pit of emptiness without you in my life. Second of all: You are NOT a monster. You are a good person. You've saved my life over and over again. You gave me more things than you could possibly imagine. How is any of that monstrous in any way?" I countered, naming off my reactions. He smiled a little of his crooked smile.
"You sound like Anne." commented Edward. My eyebrows furrowed in confusion. What?
"What do you mean?" I asked, taken aback by his comment.
"Anne asked the family for our story and I told her that I thought of myself as a monster and she told me I wasn't. She also made a point out of my saving your life on a few occasions and asked how that was monstrous." explained Edward. I nodded taking it all in. It was silent for a brief moment until Edward spoke again. "Bella, I'm sorry. I know I should have let you choose but I thought I was doing what was best for you. I really did think I was saving you. Your life is more important to me than my own existence. I couldn't let anything happen to you and I couldn't ruin any chance at an angel like you going to heaven. It wouldn't have been right. You say your life was nothing without me but mine is nothing without you. The moment I left you, the pain I was feeling was excruciating and that pain increased a year later." I was curious again.
"What happened a year later?" I asked. Edward looked at me with that utter despair once again.
"I came back to Forks. I came back to you." said Edward before pausing, taking in my reaction. He came back for me? My mind hoped for this to be true, to not be the false statement. "I went to your home with Alice so we could talk. Alice couldn't wait to see you and Charlie would react better with her there. It was there that Charlie told me you had died. That was the worst feeling imaginable to me. I felt like there was a piercing fire in me." I shuddered at the idea of him on fire. It was an undesirable picture for me, a painful picture. "Every part of me wanted to believe he was wrong, that maybe you were still alive but I couldn't actually deny it. If it weren't for Alice, I would have been in Volterra, Italy, begging the Volturi to kill me."
"WHAT?!" I yelled, angry. How dare he even consider that! Edward was shocked to say the least. I believe he somehow forgot we had this conversation before and I told him NOT to do that! What was he thinking?
"I wasn't going to live without you, Bella." declared Edward, still surprised by my reaction.
"Just because I die doesn't mean you can kill yourself, Edward! We've had this discussion before!" I shouted still infuriated.
"What was I supposed to do?" asked Edward, not raising his voice in the slightest.
"You were supposed to do what you were doing before I complicated your existence. What if you had gone to Italy? Edward, we wouldn't be here. If I found out you were dead…It would have killed me, Edward. It's just as hard for me to lose you as it is for you to lose me. I was already trying to live day by day without you, trying for my family. They partially knew my pain but they didn't know the half of it and it would have been worse if I had known you were dead, no longer existing. I would have felt that fire you were describing to me earlier. Losing you wouldn't just hurt me. It would kill me, Edward." I replied. Edward looked at me even more in shock than he was previously.
The thought of losing Edward, of someone hurting him gave me this terrible pain. How could he honestly expect this to mean nothing to me? How can he not realize that he is very important to me? I told him to not do something like that. We had already gone over this on my birthday as we were watching Romeo and Juliet at my home in Forks. Why does he suddenly think that just because he left, I don't care if he lives or dies? Losing Edward would cause more pain that resolving any of it. I would be in consistent agony. The pain Edward was describing was the same pain I would have felt.
"I never knew you felt that way." responded Edward quietly. We were silent for another moment but this time I was the one that broke the silence.
"Edward, if you had found me at my house, what would you have done?" I asked, wondering how different things would have been had I stayed in Forks. Edward gazed into my eyes, lovingly. I could determine that emotion now. It was the feeling he kept talking about. It was how I was feeling.
"I would have gotten down on my knees and begged you to forgive me and take me back." answered Edward. He sounded so serious.
"Be serious, Edward." I replied. His gaze did not change nor did his tone.
"Oh, I am. I would have done anything to get you back." added Edward before asking his own question. "Now since you asked your question, I would like to ask one of mine." I nodded encouragingly, needing to know his question. "There's been something that's been bugging me since the forest. I wanted to know how you could believe me so easily when I told you I didn't want you after the many, many times I had told you I loved you. I didn't understand how one word I said could break your faith in me."
"You know those aren't really questions." I pointed out. Edward looked at me sternly, demanding an explanation. I sighed. "Because it never made sense for you to love me." I confessed, looking down. I felt a finger lift my chin and saw his face coming closer to me. His lips met mine in my first kiss in ten years. I felt the passion, the fireworks, and the shock once again in that contact but before we could get too far I pulled away. I saw Edward's face resemble slight pain, thinking I was rejecting him. I looked down. "I can't."
"Why not?" asked Edward, quiet once again. The pain was still there in his voice.
"If you leave again, I won't be able to take it." I admitted, still not looking at him.
"Bella, look at me." replied Edward. I did as he wanted me to and looked at him. Pain wasn't there. His hand softly touched my right cheek. The electricity was back. "I'm not leaving you ever again. I will always regret leaving you. The question is: Are you able to forgive me after everything I did to you? Do you still love me the way I love you?"
"What kind of question is that?" I asked. He should know the answer to those questions. He looked at me sternly. "My feelings for you haven't changed and they never will. I love you, Edward, always will." I declared before kissing him myself this time losing myself in the kiss. I missed the contact over the years. When I was still human, I had hoped we would see each other again. But I could never even fathom how much this one moment meant to me or the idea that he loved me. It was nothing like the kisses from when I was human. It was more passionate. I was finally strong enough to not put those barriers on our kisses. He'd definitely been holding back on me when I was mortal. We broke apart unwillingly, both wanting more but still needing to reconcile with more than just kisses.
"You've been holding out on me." I accused, pouting and crossing my arms. Edward chuckled. I was glad to see his eyes filled with happiness. It gave me a great feeling knowing I was the reason.
"I had to keep you safe. I didn't want to hurt you by taking it too far." pointed out Edward, still in close proximity with me.
"You and keeping me safe." I said, shaking my head. He really did have a knack for worrying about me, for thinking about the many ways he could protect me. Edward smiled my favorite crooked smile, the one I hadn't seen in ten years. He then pulled me into another warm embrace. I took in his honey scent and leaned into the embrace, placing my head onto his shoulder. This was the perfect moment. It was like before with only a few reminders of the past. Edward breathed a tiny, happy sigh.
"I missed you so much, Bella. I love you. I promise not to ever leave you, not again." said Edward quietly in my ear. It was then that my fear of his breaking his promise came back. What if he broke that promise? What if he left me again?
"Edward, don't promise something like that to me." I replied in an equally quiet voice. Edward and I pulled apart and in his eyes I saw anger.
"You think I'm lying to you about this?" I shook my head.
"No, I don't believe you're lying but Edward what if something does happen? What if you find someone else?" I asked. I was still a little confused as to why he would want a girl like me when he could have anyone he wanted. His eyes softened.
"There's never going to be a 'someone else' for me. Bella, I love YOU. That fact will never change. You are the only one for me, my only love. You are incredibly smart, kind hearted, open minded, selfless, and perceptive person. You're stubborn when there's something you want and you are beautiful, inside and out. You're perfect." assured Edward.
"You really think so?" I asked. He nodded.
"Indescribably so." added Edward before placing a kiss on my forehead. "Bella, you are my life, my soul, my everything. This frozen heart of mine will always and forever belong to you. You're the only one for me." I smiled. I then noticed that the wound in my chest was inexistent. It was not healed but like it had never existed in the first place. He then looked nervously toward me. "I need to know, Bella. Has there been anyone else for you?" he asked. I smiled and placed my hand on his cheek.
"There has never been anyone else. No one could ever compare to you. You are the only one I could ever love. You say I'm your life but you're mine. I'm yours, forever." I responded. It was true. I would love him, always. There was no one to take his place in my heart.
"So you don't love John or Jacob?" asked Edward. I stared at him a minute and laughed at his assumption. Jacob and I were only friends. We're not as close as we had been previously but that was due to his imprint. John and I had the same relationship but closer. John had been the one to listen when I needed someone to talk to, to actually hear me without judging anyone. Talking to my brother about the Cullens was difficult because Jason wouldn't really listen to what I was saying. He'd had a bias toward me because I was his sister and I needed someone's take on the situation without that bias. The idea of John and I together just made me laugh.
"Edward, Jacob and I are only friends. That will never change. He's given away his heart already. As for John and I…John's like the little brother I never had. Unlike Jase, he's not too protective nor is he careless toward me. We like to pick on the other. He's just someone I can talk to about anything. He's the most open minded between him and Jason. I love that he's that way. I wouldn't want him any other way. Besides, his heart belongs to a woman he had lost years back and I gave mine to you ten years ago. It's always been yours." I explained, telling him the truth. Edward smiled obviously happy with my answer. I looked at him vulnerable once again. Him leaving was still a fresh thought in my mind. It was so terrifying, so heartbreaking to me. "Just don't leave me again, Edward." Edward took my hand in his and gazed into my eyes with a loving stare.
"I'm never going to leave you again. I'm not going anywhere without you, not this time. I never want to be away from you ever again. The separation would hurt even more than you realize. Bella, I'm not as strong as you give me credit. It took everything in me to be away from you for even a year. I had already been passed living without you day by day and was trying to live hour by hour without you. It was the hardest thing next to leaving you that day in the forest. I can't leave you anymore. I can't live without you. I need you. I need you even more now knowing that you're alive and you're here. I would never be able to keep myself away long enough. I have no reason to leave. I honestly thought I was protecting you and you still became a vampire." replied Edward. "Who changed you by the way?" he had asked.
"Jason and John changed me. I was dying and the two of them were not going to let me die. I was Jase's sister and he sure wasn't going to lose me and John had already considered me his sister. Anne already said she would have done it herself if none of them would do it. She felt the same way they did." I explained.
"Why were you dying?" asked Edward worriedly. I shook my head. I couldn't answer that, not right now. He might change his mind if he found out the reason. He couldn't know, not until the time was right. Right now was a time for Edward and I to talk about the past. That detail would have to wait.
"I can't tell you right now, Edward. I swear I will tell you later but right now I don't want to talk about that. We can talk about that later, I promise." He nodded. "Where do you think we should go from here?" I asked him. Edward sighed.
"I don't know. You tell me what you want. I will do whatever you ask." answered Edward, leaving me the decision. What should I do?
I swear if I am forced to go shopping again, I'm going to quit helping with the wedding. See I thought when we were helping prepare the wedding, I thought we were going to help decorate and make plans, not shop. I've always hated shopping. I felt it was the most tedious activity. I sat in the car with my sister, Emma. Emma had this thing for cars and her favorite car was the red Ferrari Mom had found and bought her for our birthday last year. Well, technically John had found the car. Mom's not into cars like Emma or John. She just knew the basics. I had gotten a black Kawasaki motorcycle as my birthday present. Don't get me wrong. I love my motorcycle but I just haven't used it since my sister's been dragging me around town in her car like today. I'll admit it I volunteered to go with her but I never knew that she got the long list. Anne was not taking this wedding business lightly. She had everything bought today. I get this feeling she was trying to keep us away from home but I'm not the empathic one of my siblings. That would be Emma. She always knows when someone's feeling something, emotions wise that is.
We had been out for nearly six hours, doing the errands and stopping for food. SIX HOURS! Emma and I actually had to eat. The only reason I had agreed to coming with Emma was because I didn't want to get stuck with the love birds, except one of them was a wolf not a bird. I would be with my girl, Taylor, right now if she hadn't decided to take a trip with her parents and said Emma and I should spend time together. She liked to make sure nothing was coming in between my family and I, including her. She could never be a problem though. My family all loved her. My mother adored her and my sisters were her best friends. It really wasn't a problem but I can't resist her. She's my love and always will be. I continued to think of her.
"Relax, lover boy. We'll be home soon." commented Emma, rolling her eyes while driving. She knew exactly who I was thinking of.
He can't be away from her for six hours. It's not that bad. He hasn't said much either. He's such a push over when it comes to his Taylor, I heard her thinking.
"I am not a push over and yes being out six hours is that bad." I argued. Emma rolled her eyes again. It was like a habit of hers.
"You are too a push over when it comes to her. All she has to do is make it look like she's pouting and she's reeled you in like a fish. You're like a puppy dog when it comes to her." replied my sister. "She can get you to do anything she wants. You can't be away from her for a few measly hours."
"Six hours is in no ways, measly to me. Six hours feels like a century." I complained. I missed Taylor. All I wanted to do was hear her voice and hold her close in my arms and never let her go. I wanted to kiss her senseless.
"You are such a drama queen!" replied Emma, laughing a musical laugh.
"I am not!" I yelled. Great! Now I was sounding like a little kid.
You have got to admit it, you're being ridiculous. And you think Jake is that bad. You're worse. You can't bear to be away from her for even a minute, she thought toward me. Someday she's going to fall in love with a guy, not much of an appealing thought but it has it advantages, and then I'm going to laugh and pick on her when she can't be away from him.
Emma and I do not always get along, especially when it comes to things like this. We have sibling to sibling fights all the time. It's like the John vs. Jason thing but we get along better than that and we're actually related. I love my sister but she can be a big pain. I hate you sometimes, Emma, I thought to Emma. My thoughts can reach her when I want them too. I'm just that good. Emma laughed.
Yeah, whatever, I heard in my head. I looked to the driver's seat to see Emma laughing. I rolled my eyes. Great! Now I'm picking up her habits! I need to see Taylor. I suddenly heard a sound that made me ecstatic, my phone ringing. I felt a wave of disappointment wash over me when I saw that the caller was Anne. I still answered.
"Hey." I greeted, sad.
"Aw, you were hoping I was Taylor, weren't you?" Anne asked over the phone. Was I that transparent?
"Yeah, I was actually. Am I that transparent?" I replied. I heard Anne laugh and saw Emma doing the same.
"I don't have to be Emma to know that you love Taylor and can't stand to be away from her very long, honey." answered Anne, laughing. "I don't hold it against you. I feel the same way about Jase sometimes. Anyway, I called to invite you to a game of baseball. John and I are awaiting the rest of the family for recruits so we wanted to know if you wanted to play with us. We're playing with some friends of ours." she explained.
"Baseball, huh? Sounds good to me. I'll play." I looked over and saw Emma nod in acceptance. She heard the phone as easily as I did. "Emma will play too." I informed her. I heard Anne squeal.
"Great! I'll call everyone else. See you guys in thirty minutes." replied Anne. It was then the line cut off. She seemed too excited, even for her. Something was up and I was determined to find out what.