One of those days...


Elrond has started working as a healer in Valinor and discover that living so close to the holiness of the valar can have some unwanted side effects...He never thought elves could be that daft.

Humor / Drama
Age Rating:

One of those days....

Elrond ushered the limping elleth out of his office and sighed, it had been a very long day indeed. After having arrived in Aman he had quickly realized that he needed something to do unless he would go absolutely ga-ga with boredom and he returned to his previous career as a healer. Celebrian had supported him since she didn’t want a grumpy and irritable husband and so he had opened a small hospital not far from the harbor where the white ships used to arrive. Not that there was that much to do in the blessed realm, after all, elves do not get sick and there were no dangerous animals or orcs lurking around the corners. But accidents do happen even there and most of his patients were just that, victims of small mishaps which could happen to anyone. This day he had helped a mother with a toddler who had fallen down a flight of stairs and knocked out four teeth, it had been the front teeth so the kid sounded like he was constantly playing the flute. The mother was hysterical, the kid less so. Then he had a visit from a very angry stable worker who had been bitten by an ornery stallion and needed several stitches. The day had been interesting, not too hard and with some nice challenges, he liked that, challenges.

It sort of kept him from becoming indifferent and he quickly realized that the healers they had there were good for nothing. They didn’t have any sort of experience, they used herbs and some magic and if you presented them with an open fracture or a torn gut they would pass out. No, he was the only healer of his kind and some did come from very far away to seek his advice. The maiar of Lorien were of course exceptional but not all wanted to travel all the way to the gardens and in emergencies he was the best choice. It gave him some pride to think of this, and he was humming as he cleaned off the instruments he had used. The elleth had stepped on a very sharp seashell and cut her foot and he had to sew the wound, a very neat and elegant job. The job prevented him from thinking too much about his sons and daughter back in middle earth, his sons would join him sooner or later but Arwen was lost to them all and the thought always made him very melancholic.

He had one assistant, a very young ellon of telerin origin and he was nice and eager to please, Elrond liked him a lot. He would make a fine healer in a few centuries time. Now the assistant entered the office and bowed his head. “ You have two more patients my lord, a couple”

Elrond frowned, a couple? Then he probably had one patient not two, it was rather common for elves to accompany their beloved ones to the healer, just to make the injured person feel safe. “So, what is the problem?”

The assistant made a grimace. “Well, eh, they are vanyar, and have come from Valmar just beneath Taniquetil, they are both young, he is 120 and she is 118 and apparently they want children but haven’t managed to get any.”

Elrond was a bit confused but this ignited his interest, it was extremely rare for elven couples to remain childless if they wanted offspring and vanyar? The normal thing would be to ask the valar for advice, the vanyar were after all horribly pious and devoted to the valar. They spent more time on their knees than on their feet.

Elrond took a deep breath. “Alright Dageron, send them in, I wonder what this is”

The assistant nodded and before long two elves entered the office. Both were very beautiful and golden blonde like most vanyar and Elrond could clearly see that they were very much in love. He put on his most professional smile and gestured towards the chairs. “ Do sit down, I am Elrond Ëarendilion, how may I be of assistance?”

The ellon bowed his head, he was blushing a bit and Elrond had to smile wryly, he remembered the feeling of being young and eager and ready for everything. “ I am Cauron, this is my wife Alassiel, we come from the vanyar capital”

Elrond could clearly see that, they wore expensive clothes and their jewelry and everything spoke of the worship most vanyar were eagerly engaged in. Elrond did find the fashion gaudy with lots of sharp colors and too much fabric but who was he to criticize the fashion of others? Elrond nodded. “ You are both young?”

Cauron nodded, that nice blush still coloring the delicate face. “ Yes, we got married when my Alassiel turned hundred, the very day in fact. We have been friends since we were elflings and have always known that we were meant for each other.”

Elrond smiled. “That is very good, you do have a problem?”

Cauron bit his lower lip. “ Yes, ah, we want elflings, a lot of elflings but nothing have happened, and some in our family has begun to…talk. We have prayed a lot but that doesn’t work, and we doesn’t dare talk to the valar for what if they are angry at us? A friend of mine recommended you my lord.”

Elrond nodded and sighed, oh the gossip of the righteous ones, he knew everything there is to know about that. The vanyar were the worst gossip makers of all, every little flaw or fault would be put under intense scrutiny and the poor victim would never escape the vicious tongues. Elrond smiled gently. “ You have been married for 18 years, that is in fact a long time to wait for something to happen, normally you should have been parents years ago.”

Alassiel had been quiet but now she finally spoke, vanyar wives were supposed to be demure and humble and completely obedient to their husbands but she was young and probably a bit impulsive still. “ I cannot even bare to watch others with their little ones, my heart is aching in me my lord, I do long so much for that blessing. “

Elrond knew that the longing for offspring could be extremely strong in some and the vanyar had a culture in which the raising of children was seen as a female’s main goal in life. She wouldn’t be regarded as complete without at least a couple of elflings. Some claimed that the vanyar were breeding like cats and Elrond had to agree on that, at least to a degree. The vanyar loved children but they did also raise their offspring in a very strict manner and the unwritten rules of that society could fill a book. He tried to remain professional, he could not let his personal compassion intervene with the job as a healer. He nodded. “ I understand my lady, it must be very hard”

Alassiel sobbed. “The other nissi have started calling me names, and say that I must have sinned somehow and that this is the punishment.”

Elrond felt a sudden urge to roll his eyes but he resisted and put on his most neutral expression. “ I see, well, I do doubt that this is anything but a physical problem of some sorts. I will need to ask you some questions that may seem a little bold but remember, I am a healer and I do it only to be professional.”

They both nodded and looked as if they believed that he would solve the problem right away, there was such faith in those young faces and Elrond felt a bit nervous. What if there was something very wrong with one of them? It wasn’t unheard of that damages to the crotch could render a ner sterile or that nissi could be born with problems too, he had once come across one born without a womb. He straightened his back and smiled. “Right, you do have your own household I guess?”

Both stared at each other. “Yes, we do now. We lived with an aunt of Alassiel you see, our parents chose to serve the valar directly and we were both raised by her. She was married to one of my uncles.”

Elrond sort of figured that out, the Vanyar often married people from their own social group and that children from two different families were raised together wasn’t unheard of neither. But for a parent to choose the service of the valar over their own family, that was something he could not understand. Living like a goddamn nun or monk for eternity? Singing hymns and praying the whole day? He would have gone insane for sure. Elrond sighed. “But you do no longer live with her?”

Alassiel shook her head. “No, she too joined the holy sisters after we got married.”

Elrond didn’t see anything holy in shunning all earthly joy but then again, these were Vanyar. He braced himself. “Okay, first question, Cauron, have you ever been injured…below the belt?”

Cauron looked confused. “Below the belt?”

Elrond nodded, now he just felt silly. “Yes, ah, like a kick to the groin or something like that?”

Cauron shook his head. “No? what does that have to do with us not getting elflings?”

Elrond felt a bit uncertain, was he joking? “ Well, it may have a lot to do with such matters, but since you haven’t suffered such injury then it isn’t the cause.”

Alassiel sighed. “One of my friends told me to lay with my hips above my head, and I have tried that but it hasn’t worked”

Elrond had heard about that trick, some thought it would make conception easier after the intercourse but that was just superstition. He smiled. “It is just nonsense, do not heed such advice for it is mostly based on the wrong assumptions.”

She took a deep breath of relief. “Good, for I have gotten quite a sore neck at times and why would it work anyhow?”

Elrond managed to smile, a bit stiffly. If this had been an adeneth he would have asked about her monthly cycle but since female elves don’t menstruate he was spared that embarrassing little conversation. Cauron held Alassiel’s hand and there was a lot of tenderness in the gaze he sent her. “We are so very happy together lord Elrond, and it would be perfect with a little one to take care of. They said we would get elflings when we started sleeping together and yet our prayers have not been answered. Could it be that the Valar are angry with us for some reason?”

Elrond took a deep breath, then he sort of stared at the two again, as if he had seen them for the first time. They were Vanyar, and the vanyar often did their outmost to keep their young innocent and ignorant for as long as possible. It could not be? No, that was… He managed to smile. “Cauron, when you say you sleep together, what do you mean then?”

Cauron did look confused and Alassiel too. “Ah, sleep? Like resting? Dreaming? In the same bed?”

Elrond thanked his good upraising and rather unorthodox step fathers for the fact that he was capable of keeping a straight face. This was…well, he had solved the mystery. But how was he to explain this to these two youngsters. “ And that is all you do? No kissing, no cuddling?”

Cauron blushed. “No, Alassiel’s aunt told us very early that we aren’t to touch, that is naughty. Holding hands is okay but nothing foolish. And….”

Elrond stared at the young ner with narrow eyes. “Yes?”

Cauron was blushing even harder. “ I…I feel weird when I am near her, could that be the problem?”

Elrond cocked his head. Oh this was precious, who other than the Vanyar would be able to raise two elflings thus? “Describe this weird feeling?”

Cauron was nervous, his eyes were flickering from one side to the other and he sort of looked away from Alassiel. “Ah…well…I feel…hot! And my heart beats faster, and and…”

Elrond leaned back into his chair, sweet Eru, how ignorant could anyone really be? “And?”

Cauron almost whispered. “My…parts…They get hard! That can’t be normal?”

Elrond stared at the vanyar who by now was red as a tomato. “Tell me, are they hard in the morning too?”

Cauron looked at Elrond with shock written all over his face. “How do you know? I haven’t told anyone?”

Elrond sighed and took a deep breath. “I know because it is perfectly normal, in fact it would be a bad sign if they weren’t.”

Cauron stared down at the floor again, his cheeks red and white and red again. “Uh, there is…more”

Elrond already knew but he sort of gestured towards the by now rather tortured young ner. “Do tell, don’t be shy”

Alassiel had been sitting with her mouth wide open and she did look shocked, she was probably even more ignorant than her husband, it was hard to believe but Elrond was rather sure she was. Cauron was almost whispering. “ I have dreamt of her, sort of. And then…I woke up and…”

Elrond tried hard not to laugh. “And the sheets were sticky and wet right? And you felt kind of good? Relaxed?”

Cauron nodded, eyes huge. “ Oh you are truly a great healer my lord, is something wrong with me?”

Elrond shook his head. “No, nothing is wrong with you, that happens to every male now and then, whence they have reached physical maturity.”

Cauron tilted his head. “But…nobody has ever told me about that?”

Elrond took a deep breath. “Listen, a great injustice have been committed towards you both, there are things you should have been told before you got married but the ones taking care of you failed to do so.”

Alassiel swallowed. “Like what? My aunt was very dedicated to her job, and she always made sure that I knew how to behave like a lady. I cannot see that she forgot anything?”

Elrond closed his eyes for a few seconds, great, he would have to have “THAT” conversation again, with a pair of grown elves. He remembered having told his sons about the flowers and the bees and they had been twelve at the time. “My lady, unfortunately she did! She forgot a lot, or rather, she chose not to tell you.”

Both frowned. “Really?”

The healer wished he had had a huge goblet of Dorwinion wine in front of him, to give him strength for this. Alassiel bit her lower lip. “ Ah, I have something to confess too, I too have felt odd when…when he is near me. I sort of want…something? But I don’t know what!”

Elrond nodded. “If you aunt had done her job you would have known and believe me you would have had at least one elfling by now.”

Cauron blinked, his face told of utter confusion. “So what is it that she didn’t tell us? Please?”

Elrond braced himself. “Right, have you ever seen animals mating? Or being born?”

Both shook their heads. “No, aunt used to shoo us away, she said it wasn’t appropriate for us to watch such things”

Elrond would have done a face palm if he could, the piety of the Vanyar would be their downfall for sure. “She was just trying to protect you but being a bit too zealous in her task. Well, I just have to explain this to you then, what you should have been doing in order to beget offspring”

Cauron leaned forward on his chair and Alassiel too looked eager. “Yes, tell us. There is something we haven’t done?”

Elrond nodded, he felt old all of a sudden. “Indeed, but whence you do it I have no doubt that you soon will hear the pitter patter of tiny feet”

Alassiel’s eyes were shining. “ Oh that will be wonderful, so, what is it we need to do?”

Elrond remembered when Maglor had sat him and Elros down to explain the mysteries of adult life for them both, his step father was usually very eloquent but this time he had stuttered and blushed and tried to use every thinkable euphemism under the skies until Elros with a bright smile on his face had burst out. “ Oh, he means fucking!”

Elrond shook the memory away and smiled, this would be fun. “You have to have sex in order to have offspring”

Both looked confused. “Sex? What is that?”

Elrond had put on his school master expression, trying not to chuckle. “Some also call it intercourse? Have you heard that expression?”

Both shook their heads, blank stares and confused expressions. These two were so messed up! Elrond sighed. “Right, you may say that elflings come from a sort of …seed. Like the ones you put in the ground to grow plants? “

Both frowned but nodded, not really following him. Alassiel had tilted her head. “Nobody has mentioned seeds? Do babies grow in the ground then?”

Elrond was counting to one hundred, backwards. This was the most bizarre explanation ever! “No, they grow inside of the nissi, in their bellies in an organ known as the womb. It is placed low in the stomach region”

Alassiel blinked. “Is that why I was told to lay with my head low and my hips up?”

Elrond nodded. “Yes, that has something to do with that indeed.”

Alassiel looked curious. “So there is a sort of seed that needs to start growing, how does that get in there?”

Elrond hawked to mask his amusement. “That is where the ner come in, you see, that seed is inside of him, in his…gonads”

Both stared. “Uh?”

Elrond took a deep breath. “Right, in his balls, his testes, the scrotum”

Cauron blushed. “A-alright, how…does that get from there to…her?”

Elrond grinned, an almost triumphant smile. “That is where the intercourse comes in, you see, when your parts get hard that means that you are able to have sex, and that you can father an elfling. Those dreams too means the same thing, your body just needs to get rid of some surplus…stuff, since it is being produced the whole time”

Cauron sort of pouted” I still don’t understand?”

Elrond wasn’t exactly shocked by this, why were all Vanyar so goddamn blonde? “Let me explain, to get the seed from you to her where it can grow into an elfling you have to …well” He got up and took down a book from a shelf, it was a book about anatomy and it did have a few drawings of people making love, including one where you clearly could see the details of the act. He showed them the drawing and both went beet red, Alassiel gasped. “Do you have…that?!”

Cauron was blushing again. “Yes?”

Elrond grinned once more, oh this was getting better and better. “That is the difference between male and female my lady, I guess you never have seen each other naked?”

Both shook their heads and Cauron was looking at the floors the whole time. “No, we were being told that it was forbidden?”

Elrond wished he could have whipped the asses of those idiotic Vanyar parents and caretakers. Morons. “Not when you are married, then you are supposed to be naked together, it is normal and natural and fun”

Alassiel looked shocked. “Fun?”

Elrond nodded. “Yes, making elflings is supposed to be very entertaining, and it feels good too.”

Cauron was looking a bit tense. “So what do we do then?”

Elrond pointed at the drawing. “Like this, when you touch her your parts do get hard right, and then you do it like this, put it in there”

Alassiel sort of squealed and Cauron made a grimace. “Uh, and then we will have a baby?”

Elrond had never been the one to pray, but now he felt a sudden urge to pray to Manwë for strength. “Well, you move it back and forth until it feels really really good for then the seed I mentioned sort of leaves your body and gets into hers and then she may conceive. You may have to do it a lot though, at least to begin with”

Alassiel was a bit pale. “Is that the only way, it looks…I don’t know, weird? I cannot believe that it feels good?”

Elrond knew that Celebrian would throw a fit when he told her about this, he had said A, he could as might as well say B. “It can hurt a bit the first time for you nissi but then it feels very nice, and it helps you bond even tighter than before.”

Cauron was getting even more tense. “ And that is it? I just…stick it in like that?”

Elrond realized what his problem was, the poor ner was sitting in a very odd position and the healer got a sly grin on his face. “Well, first of all you remove your clothing and caress each other, kiss and cuddle until she is ready and then you can go ahead and do it”

Cauron whimpered. “H…how do I know that she is ready?”

Elrond pointed at the drawing. “When she gets slick and wet down there, now, have you understood?”

They stared at each other, wide eyed and both looked very embarrassed but also a bit determined. “Well, yes, ah, what if we do something wrong?”

Elrond shook his head. “You won’t, believe me, once you get going it will be easy”

Cauron was crouched over even more than before. “M…my lord, I…I feel…like that and…”

Elrond got up, a sort of devil had flown into him. There was a guest room next to the infirmary for people who had to stay and watch over someone injured and the bed was both freshly made and sturdy. “Great, then you may follow me and if you like to try right now you can, I will be outside, in case you have questions.”

Alassiel looked as if she was ready to pass out and then she got a determined pout on her face. “If we do it now, how long will we have to wait for that elfling?”

The healer sighed, “One year”

She took a deep breath. “So the earlier we do it the earlier we will have a child of our own right?”

Elrond nodded and Alassiel took Cauron by the hand. “Let’s do it, I am not afraid”

Cauron was blushing and trembling and Elrond knew the drawings had had a very invigorating effect on the young male, he was probably painfully hard already. Elrond showed them to the room and they both entered, looking nervous. Cauron looked at him with pleading eyes. “ You promise you will stay here the whole time?”

Elrond nodded again and felt the need to laugh again but he didn’t, oh Eru what a day. He patted Cauron on the back. “Remember what I told you, undress, kiss and caress and then you can go for it”

Both nodded with determination written all over their faces and Elrond closed the door, his shoulders shaking with mirth. This was not the kind of jobs he had had while in Endor, that was for bloody sure. He stood by the door and heard the sound of someone throwing clothing onto the chairs, then a gasp from Alassiel and an outraged. “Eru’s mercy, is it supposed to be that big?!”

Cauron mumbled something and then there was the sound of kissing, a lot of it, and Elrond could hear that both had started to breathe rather heavily by now. He felt embarrassed having to listen to all sorts of whispered endearments and gasps and moans and then finally they had ended up in bed for he heard Cauron proclaim that she was wet, and Alassiel sort of whimpered and begged him for it and Elrond just knew it, these two would probably not stop until they had enough elflings to build a small army. Alassiel sort of squealed and he heard Cauron moan and grunt and the bed had started banging against the wall in a very lively rhythm. Nothing wrong with him for sure, he had figured it out just fine.

Elrond felt himself blush, he could hear everything and Alassiel had suddenly discovered that this did feel good and she was very vocal about it too, and she had great lungs. Elrond stood there feeling like a moron as his assistant entered the room, the poor ner was staring with huge eyes. “Morgoth’s balls, what is going on?”

Elrond giggled. “They didn’t know that they needed to fuck to have kids, but now they do!”

The assistant just gaped and Elrond broke down into giggles and tears as they both heard Cauron roar something about the valar and their holiness and Alassiel was screaming from the top of her lungs. Cauron finished with a howl that would have made a warg green with envy and then the room fell silent. He heard a thin voice coming from behind the door “Ah master healer? He…he passed out? Is that normal?!”

Elrond leaned against the wall, still shaking with mirth. “Yes dear, he will come to again soon, and then you can continue if you like, as many times as you want to”

He could hear Alassiel sigh, she sounded very pleased. “ Oh that is great, I liked it. Thank you my lord”

Elrond had to leave before he started laughing out loud. “You are welcome dear, and remember, don’t listen to stupid advice”

He returned to his office, still chuckling. Well, at least that was one pair of very pleased patients and he had done something good this day too. He closed the office and returned home to Celebrian and she petted him and looked at him with her huge blue eyes, it was obvious that she understood that something was different than usual. “Now dear, how was your day? You do look tired. “

Elrond fought the urge to burst into laughter again. “ Oh, you know, it has just been one of those days, cuts sores broken teeth and vanyar too blonde to fuck!”

Celebrian just stood there staring at him with a flabbergasted expression on her face while he hung up his outer robe. She would not rest now until she had been given the whole story and Elrond was pretty sure that before long his good wife would be rolling on the floor laughing. And that wasn’t such a bad way to end the day at all.

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