"I guess by now I should know enough about loss to realize that you never really stop missing someone-you just learn to live around the huge gaping hole of their absence." ― Alyson Noel, Evermore
I hear… screaming. Screams of… pain. A woman. She's upset. Why? Another voice appears, this one a male. His tone is soft and reassuring. But the woman keeps screaming. How I wish she would shut up, for I feel as though my head is about to explode.
I feel… movement. But I'm not the one doing the movement. I'm definitely moving, but to where, and how, I don't know… The woman won't stop screaming, and the man starts to raise his reassuring tone. Why won't the woman listen to him?
I don't dare open my eyes, although I would really like to figure out what's causing the woman so much distress. The world is cold and dark, and I don't want to bear witness to that anymore. I could just lay like this forever, if only the woman would stop screaming.
Then I hear it. My name. Someone is calling my name. But it's not the woman, or the reassuring man. It's a different voice. I become agitated. Leave me be! I think. I'm happy here, in my solitude. I hear it again, this time more urgent.
"Tonks!" it screams. "Tonks! Nymphadora!"
But the voice sounds distant, as though it's coming from down a long tunnel. It echoes around the inside of my head, and I make my first movement that I can remember. I twitch my head, as if trying to shake it off. But it won't stop. It just keeps yelling my name down this long tunnel.
Suddenly, the voice starts to become more clear, as well as the woman's shrieks. They become progressively clearer and clearer until it sounds as if the tunnel is gone, and they are right next to me. How I wish they would be quiet!
Against my better judgment, I peek my eyes open a little, and I see… lights. Just lights swimming above me. But they're moving. I'm moving. I watch them through cracked eyelids for a moment before someone notices.
"Her eyes! Look at her eyes!"
All chattering around me stops, but we keep moving. Another voice chimes in, "She's waking up. Tell her family."
My family? I'm very confused. Where am I? Who are all these people? Curiosity finally gets the best of me and I open them the full way. I realize that the lights above me are hanging from a ceiling. I peek over to my right, and I see we're passing dozens of doors that seem to lead into rooms or hallways beyond. I peek to the left and see the same thing. Finally, my delirious brain understands that I'm traveling down a hallway. I just sit like this, eyes wide open, as we go through a set of doors. I then notice the people around me, all cloaked in healing robes.
No, I think. No, no, no. I'm at St. Mungo's. But why?
I look around, and none of the healers are looking down at me. I can't feel my body, but they all seem more preoccupied with that than my face. Their attention is on my right side, but I don't understand what they're looking at. I don't feel anything… That must be a good sign, right? If I don't feel any pain, I should be fine.
I'm wheeled into a large, metal room, and before I know it, the healers have levitated me off the gurney and onto a large metal table. This is when I start to get nervous. I start to move my head around to get a better view of the room, and in turn I feel my body start to twitch, too.
"Nymphadora," a woman's voice croons in my ear. "Stop moving, love. You're going to be okay, just please stop moving."I don't listen to her, and continue to try to understand why I've found myself where I am. Suddenly, a male healer comes over and lifts the blankets off me, and I see red. The whole white, cotton blanket is covered in big, dark splotches of red, and I start to scream. What was going on?!
I start writhing on the metal table, scared, lonely, confused, and cold. The healers suddenly go into a frenzy around me, trying to subdue me. I resist all of them, blocking out their instructions to calm down. I glance over to my left and see the same male healer walking over with a long needle. I start to thrash even more violently, and I have no way of objecting when he shoves the needle into my left arm. I scream again, but don't resume thrashing, for I suddenly feel… very sleepy again… Against my will, my eyelids feel heavy and slam closed, blocking out the metal room. I'm in my happy place again… serene, and without thought.
I don't know how long I'm out again, but it must've been enough time for me to be moved onto a bed. I feel the stiff cotton blankets typical of hospitals on top me, and the hardness of a mattress beneath me. I fidget, my brain again trying to understand what was going on.
My eyes flutter open, and I realize I'm indeed laying in a hospital bed. The sun is up outside the windows, and it's rays are pouring into the room, giving it a beautiful golden glow. It's quite small, with just enough room for my bed, a few chairs, and a table. I look over to my right and see another bedside table laden with bottles upon bottles of unknown potions. I look to my left and see a strange machine with wires sticking out of it that snake under my blankets. The room is empty, just me and the machine. But not for long.
Suddenly, the door bursts open and a crowd of people rush in. Healers, male and female, followed by my family and… my friends? I frantically search the crowd for Remus, but my view is suddenly blocked by healers buzzing over me like flies.
"How are you feeling?" one asks.
"How's the pain?" another asks.
"Do you know where you are?" the male healer who gave me the shot asks. I shake my head, and he nods and turns to my parents. "She probably doesn't remember what happened."
I muster enough energy and logical thought to make my first sentence. "What happened? Why am I here?"
The crowd of healers dissipates and leaves the room, leaving my family and friends, me, and the head healer alone in the room. I then take this opportunity to search for Remus… but I don't see him.
"Nymphadora," the male healer starts again. "My name is Healer Garcia. How are you feeling?"
"Confused," I answer, and I look over to my family. My mother has tear streaks down her face and my brothers look as though they had seen a ghost. "What am I doing here? What happened?"
"You don't remember anything?" Healer Garcia asks, his eyes soft and calm. I take a deep breath and shake my head. He nods again, understanding.
"How is the pain?" he asks.
"I don't feel anything," I say, desperately wanting to know what happened, but he was stalling. "That's why I'm so confused. What's going on?"
He takes a moment before speaking again. I look over his shoulder at James, Sirius, Peter, Lily, Lydia, May, and Marlene, all huddled in the corner looking very distraught. The four girls have tear streaks identical to my mother's.
"Nymphadora," Healer Garcia starts. "You were attacked."
"Attacked?" I spit back at him, even more confused than before. "Attacked by who?"
"Attacked by… what," he clarifies, and I knit my eyebrows together in confusion. "Ms. Tonks, were you aware that Remus Lupin is a werewolf?"
I'm shocked by this question, and I freeze, glancing over at James and Sirius again in panic. James, looking very solemn, just nods, letting me know it was okay to answer.
"Yes," I say, almost guilty. "I knew."
I hear my mother gasp to my left, and I look over to see her bury her head into my father's shoulder and start to sob. I sigh, and look back to Healer Garcia.
"Ms. Tonks…" he starts again, this time even more quiet than before. "What were you doing out and about on the Hogwarts grounds last night?"
I stare blankly back at him, again confused by his question. "I was?"
"Yes," he answers, nodding slowly. "Your friends found you passed out about fifty feet from the Whomping Willow."
"Passed out?" I reply, searching my clouded brain for any memory that would explain this. "I don't know… I don't remember."
I glance up at James again, and he looks as if he was about to say something before Healer Garcia speaks again.
"Nymphadora, I know this is going to be hard for you to hear, but… you were attacked by Mr. Lupin last night."
It all comes back to me in a snap. The plan, the worst walk of my life, the tunnel, the transformation, the slip, and finally the slash down my arm that put me here. I become anxious and unruly again, and it takes a dose of medication to calm me down. I can't stop screaming for Remus, asking where he was, and how he was doing. It takes five minutes for me to able to answer questions again.
"Are you okay to continue, Ms. Tonks?" he asks, looking at me with a very serious expression. I sigh in defeat, tears streaming down my cheeks, and nod. I then tell them the whole story of how I planned to watch his transformation because we were to be married, and everyone in the room stays silent with rapt attention until the end. Of course, I leave the part out about the boys being animagi for obvious reasons, but other than that, the cat was definitely out of the bag. My mother sobs even harder as I finish my story, and I get a lot of sad looks. I sigh, wiping my tears as I say one final thing.
"Where is he?" I sob. "Where is Remus?"
"He's back at Hogwarts, but he's okay," Healer Garcia says. "Thank you for sharing that with us."
I nod, regretting that I did.
"Your friends asked for some time alone with you," he continues. "Is that okay?"
"Of course," I say, and he nods one final time before leaving the room. Both my mother and father kiss my forehead before following Healer Garcia out of the room, and both my brothers squeeze my hand and give me reassuring looks. The room is now void of all adults, and my friends come out of their corner to take seats around my bed.
"How are you feeling, Tonksie?" James asks, taking a seat next to Lily.
"I'm okay," I say, my crying finally over. I look down my right side for the first time and see it's heavily bandaged. "I'm more worried about him. Have you seen him?"
"Yes, chickadee," Sirius says, and I notice I haven't seen him this distraught since the death of Scarlet. "We saw him right before we came to visit."
I feel the tension in the air. "And… how is he? Does he know? Does he know it was my fault?"
"He knows," James confirms. "He… wasn't very happy about it."
"I would imagine," I say, looking down in shame. "When will he be well enough to come see me? I need to talk to him."
No one answers this question, they all just kind of look into their laps in silence, as if they knew something I didn't.
"What's wrong?" I ask, and James sighs very heavily before looking up again and meeting my eyes.
"He's fine, Tonks," he says, looking a bit angry. "He just… wouldn't come with us. He was released from the Hospital Wing a few hours ago."
"What?!" I ask, incredulous. "You're joking! He wouldn't come?"
"I called him a coward," Sirius mutters, wringing his hands. "I shouldn't' have, but I did."
"I don't blame you, Padfoot," Peter says. "He kind of is."
"So he refuses to see me?" I say in disbelief, and everyone just kind of nods in unison. I scoff, anger boiling inside me.
"I'm really sorry, Tonks," Lily says, wiping away another tear. "Maybe he'll come around after graduation."
"Graduation?" I ask, confused for a moment before I realize. "That's today! I'll see him then."
"Tonks," James continues to be the bearer of bad news. "Healer Garcia said you can't leave the hospital yet."
"But I'll have to leave for graduation," I say pointedly, and James just shakes his head. Angry tears fill my eyes. Life isn't fair. This wasn't supposed to happen. I was supposed to be graduating today, and getting married in a few months. None of that was happening now.
"We're really, really sorry, Tonks," Lydia says. I wipe away another tear before responding.
"It's alright. It's not your fault…"
No one says anything for a moment, we all just sit in the heavy silence.
"Thank you all… for coming to visit me. It really means a lot."
There is a chorus of "you're welcome"s before Healer Garcia comes and tells them that their visiting time was over. They each bid me farewell in their own way before they start to file out of the room. It is then, in my total solitude, that I start to cry the hardest.
Hello newcomers and oldcomers! Lol, but some of you are probably confused. This is the first chapter of the second part of my fic "I Love You More Than Myself." So, if you haven't read that yet, and you liked this, I would go check it out! (:
To all the old readers, how do you like this? I just had to split it up, it was getting too long. SO yeah. I hope you enjoyed it! Make sure to review, and favorite, and follow, and whatever this fic, because it's different now! Hehe sorry! :D
Well, that's all for now. I should be updating kind of soonish… not sure. But yeah! Please leave a review, that would be awesome! Thanks! (:
Ps. I got some horrible news the other day. My dad, who's 61, is starting to loose his memory. It's not Alzheimer's, thank God, but it is impacting him. It's caused by the part of his brain called the frontal lobe shrinking. He's going to be put on medication, and he's also taking disability from work. Have any of you ever dealt with anything like this before? Maybe a loved one had it? If you have, or you know anything about this condition, PLEASE leave me a comment or PM me with any details or tips you might have. I just need some comfort. My dad is SO important to me, and I'm really scared I'm going to loose him. So please, if you know ANYTHING or just want to reach out a helping hand, please contact me. It would mean the world. Thanks. (:
Pss. I know this is the same as chapter 91 on the old fic, but I had to ask people here, too. Sorry!