I Love You More than Myself Part One

Chapter 39

We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love. - Dr. Seuss


*Tonks's POV*

When I finally manage to go to sleep, my dreams are plagued with dying werewolves and heart wrenching howls. But, my torture doesn't last long. At 5:30, I decide it's useless to try to sleep anymore. I get up and pad silently over to the window.

The grounds are misty and still. There's still the dark blue sky of right before dawn to the west, but to the east, the sky is splattered with pinks and oranges, a beautiful sunrise. The trees of the Forbidden Forest sway softly and the Black Lake is as still as glass. Fog covers the ground in swirling, snakelike tendrils.

I crane my neck this way and that to try to get a better view of the grounds. I'm looking for a small, crumbled up heap somewhere out there. Perhaps surrounded by a pool of blood, maybe even a few of its limbs. If Remus is dead, I'm blaming Professor Dumbledore. I understand the risks of sending someone out there to try to rescue him, but he's a student nonetheless. He's my best friend nonetheless. He's my love nonetheless.

I collapse in a heap on the floor, silently bawling. How could I have been so unfaithful? How? Was I really this weak? To be able to give in to someone that easily…

Sirius isn't even a thought. I don't care if his feelings are hurt. I can never have that kind of interaction with him again. Sirius is my best friend, my brother. I don't love him like I do Remus.

"Tonks?" I hear a soft voice whisper through the dormitory. I glance up through red, puffy eyes and see Peter peeking from behind the curtains on his bed.

"Peter…" I say, trying to sit in a more respectful position.

"What's wrong?" he asks, still not moving.

"I'm…. this whole thing… it's just a mess," I say, wiping away a tear.

"Tonks," he says, sliding out of bed and coming to sit by me on the floor. "It's gonna be okay."

"Thanks Peter," I say. He awkwardly places a hand on my shoulder to try to console me.

"No problem. Now," he says, standing up. "I'm going back to bed."

"Have fun," I mutter, suppressing a smile.

"Of course I will," he says, turning around to smile widely at me. "Cheer up."

"I'll try," I say before he climbs back into bed. I wipe my eyes and glance at them. There's the black smudges of my mascara and eye liner on my hand. I rub it off on the carpet.

Where was he?


*Remus's POV*

This is bad.

I know it before I even open my eyes. Instead of the cold, hard wooden floor of the Shrieking Shack, I feel soft, damp grass. Why aren't I in the Shrieking Shack? As soon as this thought occurs, my heart drops into my stomach; my breathing speeds up.

I'm right. This is bad.

All I can feel is my head pounding, my limbs spread out at odd angles, and pain everywhere. Just everywhere. I would put my money on this being the worst full moon of my existence. I take a deep breath (which hurts like hell) and inhale the scent of blood. Is it my own? I am suddenly conscious of something warm and sticky covering my entire face.

Yes. Yes it is myblood.

Now, all I can do is lay here, pathetically wondering why there was blood covering my face. Wondering why I was injured this badly.

Then, it comes to me. An image pops into my head. Of her. And him. Rage boils up inside me like it never has before. I have my answer.


*Tonks's POV*

Before I could do anything else, James stirs.

"Wha's goin' on?" he asks groggily.

"I can't sleep any longer," I explain, running a hand through my hair and catching a few bobby-pins.

"I just heard Pete…." he says trailing off.

"Yeah he came and asked me if I was okay," I say, rubbing more make up off my eyes.

"Are you?" he asks, sliding his feet off the bed.

"Not really," I say, truthfully. I pause. "He could be dead and we wouldn't know."

"You need to cheer up," he says, getting up and walking silently over to me.

"I can't James… I just can't," I say, another round of tears spilling over onto my cheeks. "I'm blaming Dumbledore if he's dead. I'm also blaming… myself."

"Don't…." he croons, opening his arms. I throw myself into them, bawling again. "Don't blame anyone… Dumbledore knew if he sent anyone out there to fetch him, there was a good chance of them getting hurt, or killed. Remus is dangerous when he's a wolf, and you can't deny it."

"I know…" I say, choking a little on my tears.

"Now, why do you blame yourself?" he asks, stroking my hair lightly. As I nuzzle my head into his chest, I think about it. I can trust James. Although he is a trouble-maker, he's like my brother. I love and trust him more than the others, except Remus. So, I decide to tell him the story of me and Sirius. The full story. When I've finished, he sits there silently for a moment.

"I didn't know you fancied Sirius," he says.

"I don't!" I say. "That's the thing! I have no feelings for him whatsoever!"

"Then why did you almost snog him?" he asks. I'm glad I can't see his face. I don't want to see the disappointment or grief in his eyes.

"That's what's been bothering me," I say. "How could I be that weak to give in that easily?"

"You're not weak," he says.

"You don't think so?" I ask, hope filling my heart.

"Sirius drew you in, and he shouldn't have," James explains. "Although maybe you should've thought it through before giving in."

"I know I should've. I should've done a lot of things."

"But, why are you blaming yourself?" he asks.

"Because somewhere deep in my heart, I know that Remus saw me and Sirius and that's exactly why he howled," I explain. To be honest, this thought had come to me late last night. I knew I was right. "That's why he's hurt."

"We don't even know if he's hurt," James says.

"I know he's hurt," I say. "That howl was one of pain, and suffering."

"Tonks, don't beat yourself up over this," James says, stroking my back. "Yes, you did something you shouldn't have. But you've got to move on. You've got to be able to deal with your mistakes and I know you can. I know you're strong enough to do that."

"I'll try, James," I say, pulling away out of his arms. He smiles down at me comfortingly. "Thank you so much."

"It's my pleasure. You're like my little sister. I've got to take care of you," he says.

"But I'm the same age as you!" I say, a smile playing on my lips.

"Yeah well… It was a comparison!" he says, chuckling. I slap him playfully on the arm.

"Shut up, Potter," I say.

"Never," he says, laughing.

At that precise moment, we hear a rapping on the window. I turn and see an owl there, hovering with a letter attached to its leg.

"It's probably from Dumbledore," James says, getting up and striding over to the window. He opens it and the owl flutters in, drops the letter, and swoops back out. James picks it up. "Yeah, it's from Dumbledore."

"What's it say?" I ask as he tears it open. He scans it hastily before answering.

"They found him. He's alive," he says. My heart swells and I want to get up and jump around with joy. He's not dead! "He's in the Hospital Wing being treated for some major injuries."

My joy falters a little at this. But still, he's alive. He's being taken care of. I stand up.

"We have to go see him," I say.

"Well, come on then!" he says. He runs over to Peter's bed and rips back the curtains. "PETER WAKE UP!"

"Wha-?" he exclaims, sitting bolt upright.

"Remus is in the Hospital Wing!" James says, walking over to Sirius's bed and ripping back the curtains as well. "COMMON WAKE UP YOU LAZY ARSE!"

"Ugh….. James….. Too early," Sirius moans, pulling the covers back over his eyes.

"No!" James says, pulling them back off his face. "We need to go see Moony!"

"James, it's too early…." Sirius moans, curling up into a ball. I chuckle.

"Get up, you fat ass!" James says, kicking him. Peter, finally able to get up himself, saunters over.

"Ugh…." Sirius says, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. "Wait what did you say?"

"I said they found Remus!" James repeats, grabbing one of Sirius's arms and pulling him out of bed and onto the floor. He scrambles up, suddenly wide awake.

"They found him?" he asks.

"Yes…." James validates, nodding his head. "Come on!"

"Fine!" Sirius says, and takes off running towards the door. James and Peter, slightly startled, follow. I take a glance in the mirror before continuing. My natural mousy brown has replaced my long, glossy blonde curls in my sleep and depression. My face is white and my eyes have dark shadows under them along with the smeared make up. Lily's masterpiece, completely ruined. There are still tear tracks in black down my cheeks. I look like a mess. Remus's t-shirt and sweatpants look too big on me, which doesn't help. I sigh and follow the boys.

It's too early for anyone to be up yet, so we bound through the Common Room and out the portrait hole without being noticed. I pass a huffing and puffing Peter and catch up with James and Sirius. I don't know why we're running. It seems impractical to me. But, in about 5 minutes time, we reach the Hospital Wing.

We come to a screeching halt, resulting in Peter falling right on his ass. This brings on a round of giggles before James knocks on the big, oak doors. Madam Pomfrey slowly opens the door the slightest bit.

"Professor Dumbledore notified you, I'm sure," she said, her head barely poking out the door.

"Yes," James says. "Can we see him?"

"I don't see why not…" she says hesitantly. "Although only for a little while. He needs his rest."

"Thank you ma'am," Sirius says, nodding his head.

"Your welcome, Mr. Black," she says, and opens the door wide enough for everyone to fit through. We enter the Wing and she leads us to a bed surrounded by green curtains. The whole room has a soft, golden glow of early morning. The sun peaks through one of the high windows.

"Here he is," she says, pulling back the curtain.

It's a sight I can never unsee.


Hey! Sorry about the delay! Life's been craaaazy! Hope you enjoyed it! :D

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