I Love You More than Myself Part One

Chapter 40

You're not perfect, and I'll save you the suspense. I am not perfect either. but surely we're perfect for each other. - unknown


*Tonks's POV*

There he is. Remus John Lupin, the boy I love. Bedridden; Sick; Hurt.

And it's all my fault.

I stare at the mummy that is Remus. White gauze wraps around his bare chest, and extends down under the blankets. Both arms are heavily bandaged and one is suspended from the ceiling; the same for both legs. But the thing that gets me is his head. It is completely covered in white gauze except for four holes for his eyes, nose, and mouth. Why this is, I have no idea. There are an uncountable number of tubes coming from his arms, pumping fluids into him. Potions and pill bottles line his bedside table and the end of his bed. He doesn't move. He only suffers silently.

"You can go touch him," Madam Pomfrey says behind us. I suddenly notice that the four of us are standing gaping in the entrance to Remus's bed. Madam Pomfrey pushes past us and goes to his bedside, bending over him. I glance at James for comfort. He looks back at me and extends his hand. I grab it again, as a source of comfort. We slowly edge closer to Remus's bed. Was this what it was like when they came to visit me with my spattergroit?

I sit down on James's lap right next to his bed. I can only stare as horrible realization washes over me. I did this. I risk a glance over at Sirius and see his expression is one of guilt and shame, too. I hope I don't look like that.

"When will he wake up?" James asks softly.

"Should be any time now," Madam Pomfrey says, readjusting his left arm. "We stopped the drug that made him sleepy. Should be around soon enough."

"How soon?" Sirius asks.

"Soon, Mr. Black," Madam Pomfrey says briskly. "Now, I'll leave you alone." She pulls back the green curtains and exits with a swish of her cloak. We all glance at each other, not sure what to do.

"Remus," Peter begins in a hoarse whisper. "Are you in there?"

I give him credit for it. Peter earned some major brownie points with me in the past few hours.

"Mate…" James whispers from behind me. The atmosphere of a few minutes ago seems to have vanished. The giddiness, the laughter, the twinkling in Sirius's eyes and the brightness of James's smile. All gone. Replaced by the depressing atmosphere that now fills everyone's thoughts and expressions. Sirius's eyes no longer twinkle, James's face is barren of any expression except for a painful grimace. I don't want to know what I look like at the moment.

"Remus…" I finally croak out. His eyes twitch.

"Of course he'll wake up for you," James snorts out, breaking the awkward silence. I half smile, still holding on to his hand. I clear my throat.

"Remus," I say, a little more loudly. "Wake up love."

All of a sudden, his eyes flicker open and glance around at all of us nervously.

"Remus!" I exclaim, jumping off James's lap. "You're awake!"

"Why are you here?" he asks coldly, directing this question to Sirius and myself. My joy falters.

"We…. We wanted to see you," I say, my throat closing up again.

"Why?" he asks again, more coldly still. "Why do I matter?"

"Remus!" I exclaim, being much too loud for Madam Pomfrey's liking. "You don't think you matter?"

"Not to you," he says. If he was more mobile, he would've turned away from me.

"Remus!" I repeat. My heart starts beating a mile a minute. My face flushes. I feel my stomach clench up. Here I am sleep-deprived, bedraggled, barefooted, and looking like complete and total shit, and yet he won't even give me the time of day? Yes. I did something bad. I'm here to talk about it; I cant loose him. Not like this.

"And don't call me 'love'," he mutters, eyes focused on the ceiling.

"What was gotten into you?" I question, already knowing what the answer is going to be.

"You know exactly what has gotten into me," he says, still refusing to meet my eyes. "You do, too." He spats this in Sirius's direction.

"What?" Sirius exclaims.

"You know exactly what has gotten into me!" he repeats, looking back up at the ceiling.

"Remus…" I say softly, accepting defeat.

"I SAW WHAT YOU DID!" he screams, his face turning a nasty shade of red, eyes bulging. "I SAW IT! DON'T THINK I DIDN'T! DON'T THINK I WOULDN'T REMEMBER IT!" He finally looks me in the eye, pointing one of his fingers at me.

"Remus, I didn't mean to!" I exclaim, tears spilling over my cheeks again.

"HOW COULD YOU NOT HAVE MEANT TO?" he screams again, his beautiful amber eyes full of hatred. Hatred for me.

"Remus, I'm sorry!"


"What is going on in here?" Madam Pomfrey exclaims, whipping back the green curtains around Remus's bed.

"I want her out," he says, coldly. His voice is calm, but full of malice. Like daggers to my heart.

"You would like me to remove Miss Tonks?" Madam Pomfrey questions.

"Yes. Get her out. Now," he says with the same tone.

"Oh, alright," she says. She then turns to me. Her expression changes when she sees my tear-streaked face. "Miss Tonks, I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"No," I say blatantly.

"No?" Madam Pomfrey says. "Are you saying no to me?"

"Yes, ma'am, I am," I say, my eyes drilled into Remus's. My brown eyes and his amber eyes meet, and we just glare. His say 'Get out, or else.' Mine say 'Or what? You can't do anything in that bed.'

"Miss Tonks, do you need me to get Professor Dumbledore?" Madam Pomfrey says, a note of sharpness entering her usually calm tone.

"Go ahead, I'm not leaving," I say.

"Tonks," James says from behind me. I break away from Remus for a moment to glance at him. "Just listen to her. We'll meet you later."

"No," I say, looking back at Remus. "I'm not leaving until I get to speak with him."

"I told you to get out," he says. "Leave! I don't want to talk to you ever again!"

"Remus!" I say, ignoring Madam Pomfrey's shrieks for backup. "I just want to talk it out! I just-"

"You just what? You just accidentally snogged Sirius? I didn't know you could-"

"NO! I didn't know what I was doing! It was a mistake-"

"A mistake? A mistake?"

"Remus, I love you!"

At this, the whole argument stops. Remus, pale and broken, lays back against his pillows, still glaring at me.

"I want you out. Now," he says.

"I WANT TO TALK!" I screech. This desperate scream tears from my throat as I suddenly break down. I double over, my eyes blurry with tears, pain coming from my heart and extending to the tips of my fingers and toes. Those five words had such an impact on me that I can't do anything now but just scream all my pain, all my regret. Look what I'd done.

"Help!" Madam Pomfrey screams as I hear the doors of the Wing burst open. I can't see anything or anyone at the moment and just cling to the bed rail while sobs wrack my body. Through all this panic, I can hear Remus's continued screams of "GET OUT!" and James's controlled exclamations of "Tonks! Tonks calm down! Calm down!"

"LEAVE ME ALONE!" I finally manage, falling to the floor in a crumpled heap. Every little component finally crashes in on me, the sleep-deprivation, the depression, the rejection. The knowledge that no matter how hard I try, I'll never get to have Remus again. Never.

"Over here!" Madam Pomfrey says from the entrance to Remus's bed. I hear a great scuffling of feet and chairs, and suddenly, a big pair of arms wrap around me and lift me off the ground. This crosses the line.


I feel myself being carried out of the room and down the Wing. The whole time, I kick and scream and shout until my head pounds. When we reach the corridor, I feel myself hit the cold, stone floor.

"Don't move," a deep male voice says. I hear his feet shuffle away. Now, what kind of person would leave someone as unstable as me alone in a hallway and tell them to stay put? So, naturally, I wipe the tears from my eyes and crawl back to the doors of the Hospital Wing.

"Not so fast, chickadee," I hear Sirius taunt.

"Leave me alone," I say weakly, trying to dodge their ankles.

"You can't go back in there," I hear James say. I have my eyes trained on the stone floor and refuse to meet their faces.

"I don't care," I say, still on all fours at their feet.

"Tonks don't," Sirius says, kneeling down next to me.

"You'll just make the whole situation worse," James says quietly in my ear.

"What did I say?" I whisper, finally looking at the boys. Peter kneels behind them.

"You were right," James admits. "You have quite a temper."

"I can't loose him James," I say, grabbing his robes in exasperation. "I will fight for him until I die. And that's a promise."

We meet eyes and an unspoken agreement passes between us.

"I'll talk to him for you," he says.

"I love him, James," I say, silent tears making new tracks down my cheek.

"I know you do," James says, grabbing my hand. "Keep fighting."

"I love you too, James," I say, fling myself into his arms and silently weep.

"Tonks?" Sirius croaks out a few minutes later.

"Yes," I say, emerging from James's shoulder.

"I'm sorry," he says.

"Why are you sorry?" I ask.

"I shouldn't have," he says. "This is all my fault."

"It takes two to kiss," I say. "I'm sorry that I led you on, Sirius."

"I don't care," he says, shrugging his shoulders. "I know you love him. He deserves to be happy. You deserve to be happy."

"No hard feelings?" I ask, wiping a tear away from my cheek.

"No hard feelings," Sirius confirms.

"I don't know what I would do without you guys," I say.

"Get thrown out of Hogwarts for causing a scene in the Hospital Wing apparently," James says. I can't help but crack a small smile.


Heeeelllloooo ILYmorethanmyself army! I'm SOOOO incredibly sorry about the delay! Schoolwork drowning me! D: Ive got one more week of school left then it's summer break, and you know what that means! That's right! Updates every few days!;)

SO I don't know if I like this one….. I think I do. Is it too much? Please give me your opinion! Please review! Is it too much of a reaction from Tonks? Should Remus have forgiven her?

Okay well just tell me what you think and I might need to rewrite this one…. I dunno, just review! J love you all!


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