I Love You More than Myself Part One

Chapter 41

Hey guys! SO SO SO sorry about not updating in a while! I'm finally done with school so… yay! :D I'm going to have a lot of time to write for now and I'm super excited! I must say, I feel like I neglected this story! D: I will strap myself down and type my heart out! So, I hope that makes you guys happy (: Happy Summer! :D


If I could reach up and hold a star for every time you've made me smile, the entire evening sky would be in the palm of my hand. - Unknown


*Remus's POV*

As soon as she's gone, kicking and screaming in the hands of the Hit Wizard, I relax. But only for a little while.

I still love her. God, I couldn't love anything in the world more than her. Yet, hearing her say those four simple words, 'Remus, I love you!' had been too much for me. To think that, even for a second, she had thought of me, caused me even more pain than watching her kiss someone other than myself. I didn't want to believe her.

Hearing her confess her 'love' for me had changed me from furious to broken. Thinking back on it, I don't why I was anything but broken.

"Remus… Wake up love," I hear through my unconsciousness. It stirs something inside of me, and forces me to open my eyes. I see her sitting there in my clothes, mousy brown hair, and dark circles under her eyes; a complete mess. If it wasn't these circumstances, I would've felt bad for her. But I don't. I feel rage.

For some reason, my wolf-mind remembered her and Sirius. Kissing. Seeing that made me so enraged that I had to hurt myself, for there was no one else to hurt. My claws tore down my face and made me scream out in agony. Physical pain was better than emotional pain at the time. Usually, I don't remember what goes on during full moons. This was the first time I had remembered something. I guess extra-traumatic experiences does that to a person.

"Remus! You're awake!" she exclaims, jumping off James's lap.

"Why are you here?" I ask. How dare she show her face now?

"We… We wanted to see you," she says, her voice strained, like she is about to cry. She doesn't have to be this upset.

"Why?" I ask. "Why do I matter?" Why do I matter when she has precious little Sirius to take care of her?

"Remus! You don't think you matter?" she exclaims. Her expression is strained. She even looks a bit deranged.

"Not to you," I say, voice as cold as ice. More than anything, I want to turn away from her so I don't have to see her beautiful face like that.

"Remus!" she cries out in exasperation. Her eyes now look fervid, mentally searching for a way out.

"And don't call me 'love'" I say, remembering how she woke me up. I stare fixedly up at the ceiling.

"What has gotten into you?" she questions. Me? What has gotten into her?

"You know exactly what has gotten into me," I say. I remember Sirius. "You do, too."

"What?" he exclaims, looking surprised. They need to stop playing dumb.

"You know exactly what has gotten into me!" I repeat. I look back up at the ceiling.

"Remus…" Tonks whispers softly.


"Remus, I didn't mean to!" she exclaims, tears pouring out of her eyes.

"HOW COULD YOU NOT HAVE MEANT TO?" I scream again, using my good arm to point a nasty finger her way.

"Remus, I'm sorry!"


"What is going on in here?" Madam Pomfrey exclaims, entering my bedside area.

"I want her out," I say, indicating Tonks. I can't stand to look at her anymore.

"You would like me to remove Miss Tonks?" Madam Pomfrey questions. She looks quite confused.

"Yes. Get her out. Now," I say coldly.

"Oh, alright," Madam Pomfrey says. "Miss Tonks, I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"No," she says blatantly.

"No?" Madam Pomfrey says, raising an eyebrow. "Are you saying no to me?"

"Yes, ma'am, I am," she says, eyes drilled into mine. I glare back, trying to make it as obvious as possible my dislike for her at the moment.

"Miss Tonks, do you need me to get Professor Dumbledore?" Madam Pomfrey threatens.

"Go ahead, I'm not leaving," she says, still playing the staring game with me.

"Tonks," James interrupts from behind her. "Just listen to her. We'll meet you later."

"No," she says. "I'm not leaving until I get to speak with him."

"I told you to get out," I say. "Leave! I don't want to talk to you ever again!"

"Remus!" she screams. Madam Pomfrey is heard shouting for back-up through the chaos.. "I just want to talk it out! I just-"

"You just what? You just accidentally snogged Sirius? I didn't know you could-"

"NO! I didn't know what I was doing! It was a mistake!"

"A mistake? A mistake?"

"Remus, I love you!"

I can't believe it. How dare she. My anger flares, then falters. I fall apart.

"I want you out. Now," I say, barely keeping from breaking down, voice weak.

"I WANT TO TALK!" she screeches. She starts bawling and doubles over, clutching to the end of my bed for support, screaming. She just cries and screams as panic ensues around her. Madam Pomfrey rushes out screaming "Help!" and the doors of the Wing burst open. Sirius only sits and watches Tonks falling apart on the floor with a vacant stare in his eyes. James tries to calm her down by getting on his knees next to her, calmly saying "Tonks! Tonks, calm down! Calm down!" I continue to tell her to leave; I can't take it anymore. This is madness.

"LEAVE ME ALONE!" she finally manages, collapsing on the floor.

"Over here!" Madam Pomfrey yells to someone I can't see. She enters, followed by a big Hit Wizard. He is dressed in the uniform blue robes, but his muscles are easily seen. He pushes some chairs out of the way and finally reaches Tonks on the floor. James quickly gets up and out of the way as the Hit Wizard reaches down and scoops her up. There is an immediate reaction.


But, he does not listen to her pleas and carries her out of the Wing, screaming her head off and kicking at the wizard fruitlessly. My tears flow freely now, realizing what I had just lost.

"Remus…" Sirius croaks next to me after a few minutes of silence. "I'm so incredibly sorry, mate."

I can't answer, so I just turn away. The three of them sit around awkwardly for a few moments before James says "We should go check on her."

They get up and exit the Wing, leaving me alone with my tortured thoughts. I can't believe what just happened.

Hours later I sit uncomfortably in the same bed, with the same thoughts. She can't be gone. She just can't. Yet I was the one who sent her away. I now regret my actions, but can't do a damn thing about them.

If I wasn't a werewolf, this wouldn't have happened. Theoretically, I would've taken her to the dance, so there would have been no chance for her and Sirius to snog. It's all my fault. It's my fault that I now sit here in total agony, wondering where she is. It's my fault that she's gone and won't come back. It's my fault that she probably will never forgive me.

I know she would tell me not to blame myself, but that's nearly impossible now. How can I not blame myself for this, when it was clearly all my fault. I don't deserve her. She's too beautiful, too free, too happy to have to be with someone like me. I know I told her to wait a year or so before we could get into any kind of serious relationship, but now, I don't know how I can uphold that promise. Not after this.

I hear the doors of the Wing swing open and three sets of feet set off down the hall. They're back, I think bitterly.

"Remus?" I hear James coax from the other side of the green curtains. I try to say yes, but my voice gets caught in my throat. I cough, then weakly answer "Yeah?"

"Hey, mate," he says again, entering my 'room' followed by Peter, who is followed by a dejected Sirius.

"How're you?" Peter asks, taking a seat to my right.

"I dunno," I say, running a hand through my hair as I do when I'm stressed. "Alive."

"We talked to her," Sirius says suddenly. I pause.

"How is she?" I ask, giving in to my curiosity.

"To be honest, not good, mate," James says, looking up at me.

"Why?" I ask, trying to sound nonchalant, but am truly worried about her.

"She… well," James starts. "We found her in the corridor, bawling her eyes out. She said something about not being able to loose you… She was being serious, I know her well enough to know that." He pauses. "She loves you, mate."

This strikes me as odd. How could she truly love me enough to admit it to James?

"I don't understand," I mumble.

"She loves you! What's so hard to understand?" James asks, apparently trying to cheer me up. "We all know how much you like her, mate. You say her name in your sleep, you can't take your eyes off her when she's around, you go out of your way to make her happy. You love her too, Remus."

"That's why it hurt so much."

Silence falls around the four of us. Sirius is the first to speak up.

"I'm… so sorry," he says, having difficulty getting the words. "If it wasn't for me, this wouldn't have happened. I shouldn't have even tried anything with her, because I made you a promise. And well, I broke it. I understand if you never trust me again, mate, but I hope you can. You're like a brother to me and I solemnly swear that nothing will ever happen between Tonks and I again, as long as you love her."

"It's okay," I say, not even considering what I just admitted.

"What?" he questions.

"I understand," I explain. "I'm still not happy with you, but I forgive you. I know I shouldn't, but I do. She's a beautiful girl."

"I don't think you should," he says, staring at me in disbelief. I stare into his pale grey eyes.

"Sirius Orion Black, I forgive you," I say. "As long as you don't try anything again."

"I wont," he says as his face lights up. "I promise, Remus."

"Now, try not to break that one," I say, cracking a smile. "I don't know if this is me or the drugs talking."

"The drugs," James says, smiling as well. "I wouldn't forgive him."

"Ah, but I have to," I say, reaching up with a bandaged hand to ruffle Sirius's hair. "He's my Sirius." We all start laughing, and suddenly, I feel as though a burden has been lifted off my chest.

Yeah, it was definitely the drugs talking. Now it's time to deal with Tonks.



Again, I am sooo incredibly sorry about the delay! Life's been crazy! But now, it's summer, so we all can relax and enjoy the wonders of fan fiction! (:

So, opinions on this chapter? My main question is whether or not you guys like the flashbacks to the previous chapter to see Remus's POV? Is it annoying to reread it or does it help the story? Please share your thoughts! :D



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