I Love You More than Myself Part One

Chapter 43

"I love you, and because I love you, I would sooner have you hate me for telling you the truth then adore me for telling you lies." -Pietro Aretino


*Tonks's POV*

The sun beats down on the back of my neck, making me sweat more than I ever have in my life; summers at home always seem to be the hottest. I'm walking along a dirt lane that twists and turns through the forest near my home; a river babbles happily to my right.

My head is swimming, full of confusion and panic. I can't bring myself to forget our first meeting after the fight. Even by mid-July, memories of it still haunt me.

I am stirred from my uneasy sleep by the sound of talking. I give a slight groan and rip my cheek from the window, sitting upright.

"Wassgoinon?" I mumble groggily, rubbing my eyes. Everyone in the compartment stares at me, as if they just finished talking about me.

"What?" I ask. They all stare blankly back. I notice James is blocking my view of the seat Remus was placed earlier, so I move my head a little to the left and see he's there, awake and giving me a stare full of malice.

"How are you?" Sirius questions, obviously trying to distract me.

"Tired," I admit, but immediately turn my attention back to Remus. "You're awake."

"So are you," he says coldly.

"Well, I hope you're feeling better," I spat, not so nicely, back at him.

"If you want to finish this argument, be my guest," he says, sifting in his seat.

"I don't want to finish the argument, I want to talk," I say, trying my best to control the flow of fury now coursing through me.

"You want to talk?" he questions sarcastically.

"Yes I do," I say, standing up and making my way to the door. "Can you walk?"

"Yes," he scoffs, shakily standing up, faltering a few times, and making his way over to the door. I don't know if I can trust that he can walk very far.

"We'll be back," I say, and sweep from the compartment.

"Why did we need to leave?" he asks.

"I want this to be private," I say, and speed up.

"Can you slow down?" he asks after a few minutes. I sigh and wait for him to catch up. We pass countless numbers of full compartments, but only the last one on the train is completely unoccupied.

"Here," I say, and hold the door for him. He passes me then take a seat on the left. I close the door and sit opposite him. I put my elbows on my knees and stare the floor, my head in my hands, shaking.

"So?" he says, after a few moments of silence. "You were the one who wanted to talk."

"I know, I know," I say, my mind working furiously. "I'm thinking of what to say."

"Well, you better think faster," he says. "We're almost home."

"Okay…" I start, taking a deep breath. "Promise you won't interrupt until I'm done."

"I promise," he says.

"Well… I can't say I'm that proud about what I did. I'm not at all proud, actually. I just… didn't know what to do in that kind of situation. You weren't there and Sirius and I were just having such a good time. I knew he promised you that nothing would happen, but obviously that didn't work out. He's Sirius, what do you expect? Well, I gave in, but as soon as I heard that first howl, I'd realized what I'd done. I realized what an ass I was being. The whole night had just culminated to that very moment and I froze; I didn't know what to do. Sirius probably had it planned the entire night. I guess you could say I did it without thinking about it. And now, I regret it. I don't even like Sirius, I like you! And.. you know I do. You have to realize that, right?"

"I guess I do."

"Well then, why are you taking it so hard? You know I like you! It was one mistake, and the biggest one of my life so far. I can't even begin to explain the torture I put myself through the night after. You notice my hair? I don't have the heart to change it, because I'm not happy… Am I rambling?"

"A little," he says with a small smile.

"Sorry," I say, looking down into my lap. "Just… I'm sorry. And I hope you can forgive me."

"Can I talk now?"

"Go for it."

"The reason I took it so hard was because… I do love you," he pauses. "I know most people will look at me and laugh and say 'how can you be in love?' Well, I am, and I don't know how to describe it. I've loved you since I met you, and people will scoff at that too, but it's the truth. I couldn't stand seeing you with him, it just looked wrong in my eyes. You belong with me. And I don't want to sound possessive and crazy, but that's just my feelings."

"I agree," I say, tearing up.

"But, I don't know how I can start something with you after this," he admits, letting out a breath. "I just don't know. Can I trust you?"

"I believe so," I say, trying to sound convincing.

"I don't know," he says, shaking his head. "I just… it's hard."

"Please," I plead. "Please forgive me."

"I do," he says solemnly. "I forgive you. But, we're going to have to work on our relationship…" Tears build in my eyes and my sight becomes blurry. I blink them out and I feel the hot, salty liquid run down my cheeks.

"You've said that before," I say.

"I know I have, Tonks, but this serious," he says. He gets up and crosses to my seat slowly. He lays a hand on my leg. "I love you, Nymphadora Tonks, but we're going to have to work on trust."

"I promise, I won't do anything again," I plead.

"I just have to be sure of that," he says. He leans over and kisses my hair as I start to cry. He then pulls me into his broken arms, rubbing my back in lazy circles with his good arm. "Shhh… I hate doing this to you."

"Then why do you do it?" I choke out through tears.

"Because I feel as if it will make our relationship stronger," he explains. "I promise we'll become better people after this. It might not make sense, but… it makes sense in my heart."

"You think it'll make us better people?" I ask, sitting up.

"Yeah," he says, wiping away a tear with his good arm. As I look at him, I notice he is teary-eyed too.

"Remus, you're crying," I say, smiling a little.

"I know," he says. "It hurts to do this."

"We can do it," I say, holding his hand. "We can do this."

"I know we can," he says, smiling. He then leans in and places a small kiss on my lips. It brings old sensation of euphoria into me. My stomach does a somersault and my heart rate speeds up. All too soon, he pulls away. "Come on, dry your tears, we need to leave soon."

Our last meeting still wakes me in the middle of the night, screaming his name and wishing for his arms to be around me, comforting me. It haunts me because there are so many loose ends, so many unanswered questions. I don't know how he feels about it anymore and it scares me. He won't answer any of my letters for reasons unknown and I don't know what to do about it.

I kick a rock down a slight slope and into the river. It makes a huge splash KERPLUNK! I sigh and set myself down on the side of the riverbank, drawing nothing in particular in the mud.

I want to know if he's still mad at me. I want to know how he's feeling. I want to know why he won't answer any of my letters. I want to know if he still loves me.

So many unanswered questions that need to be answered.


*Remus's POV*

A pile of letters sit unanswered on my desk. My dirty clothes lay strewn about the room. My bed is unmade, my homework not done, my body bearing the most pain in my life. This behavior has been so unlike me, Oliver has noticed.

"Hey little brother," he calls, knocking on my door.

"Hey," I say, not moving from my post on the bed.

"What's going on?" he asks, crossing my cluttered room and taking a seat on the end of my bed.

"Nothing," I say, staring blankly at the ceiling.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

"Nothing's wrong," I say, glancing at him.

"I know something's wrong," he says, laying a comforting hand on my shin.

"Nothing," I say, continuing to stare at the ceiling.

"Come on, little brother," he says, pleading.

"Nothing is wrong, Oliver," I repeat.

"Is it that girl you fancy?" he questions. I pause and think for a moment.

"Yes," I admit.

"What happened?" he asks, settling himself down for a long talk. "You haven't been the same since you've been home."

"Well…" I say, and start headfirst into the story. I start from the beginning, first kissing her in the corridor at the beginning of term. He listens and nods and adds whenever is appropriate. Oliver is an excellent listener and that's one of the reasons why I love him so much. When I've finished, he sits silently for a moment. I realize during the course of my story, I've begun to cry and hastily wipe the tears away.

"You've been through the wringer, little brother," he says, nodding his head.

"I know," I say scofflingly.

"Well, do you still love her?" he asks. "Truly, I mean."

"I think I do," I say, now unsure whether or not it's love. "I know many people would tell me it's impossible to love at this age."

"Well, I would argue with them," he says. "You can love as soon as you're born. You love your family right? Well, I believe that you can fall in love at any age. Some will disagree with me too, but I wholeheartedly believe this. There is no set age when you can begin to love another person. You could be in love with her."

"You think so?" I ask, some new kind of hope rising inside of me.

"Well, that's for you to decide," he says, smiling at me.

"I think… I think I do," I say, a smile spreading across my face. "I'm in love with her."

"Congratulations, little bro," he says, smiling down at me.

"I'm in love with her," I repeat. I thought I'd known it all along, but it's never really set in like this before. The euphoria from it is incredible. I'm in love with somebody.

"Well, that makes one of us," he says, getting up and striding to the door. "I'll uhh… be back with dinner in a few minutes."

"Thanks Oliver," I say, beaming. "For everything."

"You're welcome," he says, smiling back. All of a sudden we hear "Oliver! Come here and get its food!" Oliver's face turns brick red and mumbles "Now let me go beat up Kevin" before slamming the door shut.


Holaaa! How are you lovelies?

So, I dedicate this chapter to all the graduates! Especially my cousin (who just graduated yesterday) and LupinxTonks4ever, one of my dearest fan fiction friends! Congratulations! Well done! You made it! :D Yaaaay!

Like the chapter? I think I like it… Everything in character and good? Leave a review pleaseee! (:

It can be kind of confusing and I'm not sure whether or not you get it! I hope so!


Ps. Avengers fans:

ajlover - Black widow and Hawkeye are together? Huh, I never knew… And sadly, I'm not planning on writing Avengers fanfics because I believe that my specialty is romance and there's really no romance in the Avengers, unless you count BlackHawk, who don't inspire me! Sorry D: But, I might later! This story is going to be looooong and a HUGE project for me! I also have a few one-shot ideas, so maybe after that, Ill try some Avengers stuff! (: thanks so much! Oh and yes, I will be writing some minor James/Lily stuff! Just some side stuff, but it'll be in the story!

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