I Love You More than Myself Part One

Chapter 73

"For you see, each day I love you more than yesterday and less than tomorrow."-Rosemonde Gerard


*Remus's POV*

The morning of September 1st, 1976 dawns rainy and chill. I stared getting the Daily Prophet delivered directly to my window a few months ago, so I am awoken by the delivery owl tapping on my window. I groggily reach up, sliding it open. He hops in, the paper clutched tightly in his beak. I take it, throwing on the floor, and reaching for a handful of Knuts on my bedside table. I put it in his pouch and watch him fly away.

I sigh, sliding out of bed and onto the floor, resting my head against it. I reach for the paper, dreading what could be on the front page today.


I sigh another long, painful sigh and continue reading. Every day, more and more bodies are discovered. I can't believe all of this death and destruction can be the result of one single man. It's something I've thought a lot about this isolated summer. What could possibly drive this man to do such terrible things? What traumatic experience damaged him enough to give him the need to kill?

Not all articles in the paper are bad. Some talk about the resistance, the people who are fighting back against this evil. They don't disclose who's involved or who's in charge, all I know is that they're doing all they can. A part of me wants to know more about these masked heroes, and why they aren't getting the recognition they deserve.

A small part of me also tells me that I want to join them. It's very small and deep in my heart, but it's there, nagging me to let my bravery shine. If I could join the resistance and help fight off this threat to the whole world, I would be content. Since I won't be able to teach anyways, why not do something useful? I wouldn't even mind giving my life to such a cause, though I'm sure I couldn't leave Tonks alone.

I sigh, throwing the paper on top of my trunk at the end of my bed. I stand up and stretch, feeling all my sore muscles tighten up like rocks. I wince, placing my hand over the back of neck. The full moon was only a few days ago, and I can still feel it. Suddenly, I hear a banging on my bedroom door.

"Remus!" Libby calls, still banging her fist on the wooden door. "Remus!"

"What?" I call back, throwing on a shirt as I go to answer the door.

"Open the door!" she squeaks, impatient.

"Yes?" I ask, swinging the door open and looking down curiously at the twelve year-old.

"Mum told me to tell you that breakfast is ready," she giggles.

"All that banging to tell me that breakfast is ready?" I chuckle, walking back into my room to grab my wand.

"Well, and…" she says. I hear my bedroom close behind me. "I wanted to talk to you."

"What's up?" I ask, sitting on my bed. She looks around nervously, eyeing the discarded newspaper with contempt. She doesn't sit, she just stands in front of my bed with her arms crossed in front of her.

I haven't really looked at her lately, and my God, how she has grown. She's starting to look like a young lady; her light brown hair, almost the exact color of mine, braided in pigtails, her face taking a more definite shape; she has hips and is significantly taller. I'm lost in my thoughts, so I'm startled when she speaks.

"Where did Oliver go?" she blurts out. She looks scared and anxious as I stare up at her with an unreadable expression.

I sit quietly for a moment, considering the best way to answer this. Should I tell her the truth, what I know? Should I lie? Or a mixture of both? I then remember that Olivia was always on mine and Oliver's side in arguments, always the little peace maker. She doesn't particularly like Kevin, and her and Elizabeth don't get along. I sigh, clasping my hands together.

"I don't know," I admit sadly. She looks at me curiously.

"Yes you do," she argues. "You were with him the night he left."

"How do you know?" I ask, shocked.

"I saw you sneaking out of your room down to his," she says. "I couldn't hear what you guys were talking about, but the next morning, he was gone."


"Don't lie to me! I'm not a baby any more!" she exclaims, eyes welling up with tears. "And I cared about Oliver just as much as you did! He just paid more attention to you, because of your condition."

"That's not true," I say evenly. "He loved you just the-"

"Yes it is," she says, her voice cutting. "We don't need to be arguing about this. I want you to tell me the truth, because Mum and Dad won't."

"I can't tell you, Libby," I say, trying to soften my expression. "I don't even know where he went, I just know why."

"Please," she begs, her voice breaking. "I need to know."

I stay silent for a moment, watching her cry. I then get up and pull her into my embrace. She cries hard into my sweater, shaking.

"Libby," I croon, rubbing her back slowly. "It's going to be okay."

"No it's not!" she insists, voice higher from crying. "There's a war going on, Remus, I'm not stupid!"

"He's going to be fine," I assure her, pulling her away so I can look her in the eye. "He's a very capable wizard. He knows his stuff, he knows how to defense himself."

She doesn't respond. I sigh as she hiccups, finally calming down.

"If I tell you something, you have to promise not to tell anybody," I say. She nods her head, looking up at me with glassy eyes. "Oliver ran off to get married."

She gasps, looking incredulous. "Who?"

"His fiancé, Alisa," I explain. Her expression changes, looking sour. "She's a very nice girl, very beautiful."

"You met her?"

"Of course," I say. She breaks my gaze, looking at the floor.

"Why did he leave us here alone, Remus?" she asks, quietly, innocently.

"He couldn't take it anymore," I explain. She sighs, walking past me to sit on my bed. "I can't either. You know what I'm talking about."

"Mum and Dad? Kevin? Elizabeth?" she says, rolling her eyes. "Yeah, I know."

She stays silent for a moment, her eyes drifting to the newspaper again, reading the headline.

"You're not going to leave me, are you?" she asks, refusing to meet my eyes.

"Of course not, Libby," I say, sitting down next to her. "I wouldn't do that."

"Did you tell him?" she asks, facing me. "Did you tell him how much it was going to hurt?"

"I did," I assure her. "He… wouldn't listen. He had to leave."

"He didn't have to."

"No, he didn't," I agree, wrapping my arm around her. "Everything's going to be okay, Libby. I promise."

"Pinky promise?" she asks, offering her pinky. I smile, wrapping mine around hers.

"Pinky promise."


*Tonks's POV*

I can honestly tell you that going back to Hogwarts each year is a pattern. You get up early, groggy and excited. You pack up your belongings, eat breakfast, get fussed over by your mum. Sasha and Aaron are there to see you off, both being graduates themselves. You drive to King's Cross and board the Hogwarts Express. You sit with your friends; you see your wonderful boyfriend for the first time in two months. You arrive in Hogsmede Station, and board carriages. You watch the Sorting, and eat a beautiful feast. Finally, you clamber up to bed, exhausted, and fall asleep immediately in your comfy four-poster. At least, that's how it goes for me.

Sixth year is considerably easier than fifth, not having to take O.W.L.'s this year. It's a bit difficult to get back into the flow of the new school year, and new classes. This year, I don't have all my classes with the boys. I achieved O.W.L.'s in subjects that they didn't, and vice versa. Of course, I have a few with them, thankfully.

James and Sirius are, well… James and Sirius. They flaunt their popularity a lot. James uses his excuse of 'Quidditch Captain' for a lot of things, mostly punishing Dean Jackson, who continues to date Lily. Sirius and Peter tag along, although Sirius is much more popular than Peter. People know his name, girls swoon over him, and he loves every second of it. Remus and I just stand back and watch, laughing at the good times, sighing when they do something embarrassing. Of course, they don't forget about us, how could they? They make sure we're included in everything, sit with us at meals and nighttimes. Yes, they've always been popular, but this year, for some reason, their popularity skyrocketed.

Even though all this is going on, they still manage to use their animagus forms to be with Remus on full moons, and I get to hear stories about their adventures every month. They also showed me their 'Top Secret Project.' It's called The Marauder's Map. James explained to me that since they've been sneaking around so much, they've been able to pretty much figure the whole castle out. It's amazing. Of course, it's not finished, but the rough draft blows my mind.

Somehow, through all this madness, daily life continues. Every morning at breakfast, Remus reads the Daily Prophet and fills us in with the latest on the war. He looks very uncomfortable when he does this, having to clear his throat a lot. I listen, saddened at every death, cheering at the few victories we have.

One Saturday morning in November, I'm in the girl's bathroom, down the hall from the common room, taking a shower. It was a hard night last night, and I can't stop thinking about it. James and Sirius were off at Quidditch practice, and Peter was at tutoring, so it was just me and Remus, which, normally would've been wonderful, but there was something odd going on inside his mind. As we sat in front of the fire, just talking, he kept getting distracted, and lost his train of thought a lot. He would gaze off, tuning me out, and I would have to bring him back to reality. He looked pained and upset, and I wasn't sure if it was because the full moon was a few days ago, or what, but there was something not right.

I'm the only girl in the bathroom this early, so it's very quiet and peaceful. I sing a little, any song that pops into my head. I'm trying very hard not to think about my trouble, but it keeps invading my brain. As I'm washing the shampoo out of my hair, I hear a frantic banging on the bathroom door.

"TONKS!" I hear someone screaming. "TONKS! WE NEED YOU!"

I shut off the water, as still as a mouse, my mind whirring. It's James and Sirius.

"What is it?!" I call, getting out of the shower and hastily drying off.

"It's Remus!" James calls. "He's on a rampage! There's something wrong, he won't listen to us!"

I freeze, my breath catching in my chest. "I'll be right out!" I throw my sweatpants and tank top on, grabbing my stuff and flying out the door.

"Where is he?" I ask frantically, seeing James and Sirius's anxious faces.

"The dorm," Sirius explains as we rush off down the corridor, my hair dripping wet. "He started screaming and throwing things about this morning. We don't know what started it. We tried to stop him, but we couldn't, he wouldn't listen."

"We figured he'd listen to you," James adds as we reach the Fat Lady.

"Salamander," I blurt out. The portrait hole swings open, and I practically run through it and across the common room. I rush up both sets of stairs, and throw open the door to Sixth Year Boys. What I see shocks me.

The contents of the dorm are strewn about; books, sheets, pillows, clothes. A nightstand lies overturned in the center of the room. In the middle of all this mess stands my boyfriend, crouched down on the floor, his head in his hands. I tentatively walk over to his shaking form. As I get closer, I can hear he's crying.

"Remus?" I quietly ask, afraid he'll snap and start destroying something else. He doesn't answer, but freezes. "Remus, it's me." I lay my hand on his shoulder, and he cringes away for a second. "Remus, what's wrong?"


"Yeah, it's me," I say comfortingly, squatting down next to him. I turn and see his face, scrunched up and red with anger. "Remus, please tell me what's wrong."

He turns and looks at me, his eyes fierce for a moment, then softening. He practically falls sideways onto my lap, his face burying into my shoulder. He bawls, shaking so hard he's making me shake. I pull him into my lap, wrapping my arms tight around him.

"I'm so sorry," he manages. "I didn't mean to. I got carried away."

"I'm not mad," I explain. "No one is. Just tell me why you did it. Please."

"I can't do it anymore," he explains, his back heaving up and down for air. "This lycanthropy. I can't, I can't, I can't."

"Shhhh," I croon, pulling him even closer. I glance over at the door and see the boys standing there with wide eyes. I mouth Go at them and they quietly close the door. "Remus, you're so strong-"

"And this war," he goes on. "All this death. All this pain. It'll never end."

"Yes it will," I assure him, firm. "We have people working on our side. They're doing their best-"

"And Oliver," he cries. This strikes me as odd; he hasn't said anything about Oliver before. "He left. He ran off to get away from my family and get married. I haven't seen him in months and I'm worried."

"I'm sure he's fine, Remus," I say. "He's a powerful wizard. I have faith in him."

"It's just all this," he explains, pulling away to look at me with his tear-strained face. "It all culminated and I'm so sorry. I guess werewolves have tempers."

"It's fine," I say, wiping away his tears. "Forget about it. You have me and the boys, you always will, no matter what."

"I have you," he mutters, a small smile breaking through. "I love you."

"I love you, too," I mutter, giving him a small kiss on his cheek. He suddenly grabs my face and plants a passionate kiss on my lips. When we break, he's breathing heavily, calming himself down.

"I'll always have you."


Hey guys! Do you like this one?! I think it needed to happen, just to start the war-era. Thoughts? I do! I get a little emotional! :')

Also, did I skate over too much? I skipped a few things, like the ball, and going back to school, but I figured that was getting a little repetitive. Is that cool with you guys, or do you like me going through every little detail?

Okay, guys. Lemme just say one thing: Yes. I know Tonks is a Hufflepuff. I've always known. And I made her a Gryffindor for the sake of this story. It would've been much harder to write her in a different house, and I think she fits well there. So yes, to all of your inquiring minds, she is really a Hufflepuff, but I prefer her in Gryffindor. This is Fanfiction, isn't it?

So that's all for now! Hopefully I'll be able to write this week! I have a show this weekend, and it's tech week, so it might be a little hard! Have a great week, guys! I love you all to death!



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