Paralyzed

Heart Tied In A Knot, Heart In A Whirl

"I'm falling for you even though I know you're only playing with my heart," I whispered into the silence, letting my tears flow freely. "I love you Edward," I said as teardrops continually hit my guitar.

Edward POV

It had been three weeks since I had last talked to Bella and the others. Three months since I had truly laughed, three months since I've truly loved, three months since I majorly screwed myself by saying those awful lies. How the heck did I screw up my fantasy? Although I still saw Em and Jazz at the games, they simply glared at me or threw me looks of sympathy once they saw the state I was in.

"Edward Cullen, you are getting out of this bed no matter what!" Tanya yelled for what seemed like the fifth time.

"Tanya, get this through your head! I don't want to wake up!" I shouted right back at her, like I did so many times before. God this woman was annoying!

"Edward, you're in this miserable state of being and I'm sick and tired of you being in the way of my plans! I can hardly go out any more because I'm worried as hell over you! Get out of the bed!" she said, voice rising an octave. I threw the covers off of me and I glared at her.

"Happy? I'm up," I snarled.

"Will you stop being such a bastard?" she yelled.

"Then get off my case!" I shouted right back at her, running my hand through my hair, messing it up even more.

My "girl friend," started to whimper and I groaned, not wanting to see another tear attack. I hated it when she started sobbing like that to try and win over the situation. It always worked, but not because my heart was breaking at the sight of it. She just looked worse than usual when her face scrunched up like a pig's nose, her eyes watering and squinting at the same time, her botoxed cheeks straining to react naturally but failing terribly, making her look like a hag or a witch. Huh, guess her true face only came out when crying.

"I'm just trying to be helpful and you're sitting there, telling me to shut up! That hurts Eddie, that hurts a lot," she murmured out over all the gurgling and snorting from her crying. My god, I'll do anything if she just STOPS!

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry. I know that I'm acting like a major butt right now, but I don't need you telling me what to do," I said while getting out of bed to put an awkward arm around her. It was weird when snot and everything was dripping out of her nose like a hose.

"I wanted to be a caring girl friend!" she wailed and I rolled my eyes inconspicuously.

"Tanya, you're not my girl friend. I never asked you to be mine. Ever."

The waterworks stopped and she turned to glare at me. "What do you mean? Of course I'm your girlfriend. What the hell Edward?"

I sighed. "Call yourself, whatever you want, but if you really want to get out, then you better tell me now, or else I'll change my mind about going." Her ugly expression changed quickly and it lit up in a smile. It wasn't good, but it was better than before.

"Oh my god, I know just the thing. There's an open mic night tonight at The Alibi, and I thought that we might go. They're doing duets, and it'd be really cool to sing together, don't you think?" she squealed and I nodded, just trying to convince her that I was really and genuinely happy. I internally snorted at the possibility of that. I'd have a much better chance at wooing Bella to like me. Yeah, like that's happening.

Bella POV

The last few notes of the guitar faded out and I set it back next to the chair I was sitting in. Alice smiled at me, looking up from her design book. "Bella, I think that was the best one yet," she said, grinning, while I laughed.

"Thanks, but I don't believe you anymore. You say that for every single song that I play. The first time it was I'll Just Hold On, then it was Invisible, and now it's You Belong with Me. I don't think that your opinion is legitimate," I teased and she scoffed at my accusation.

"Just because I like the newer ones best doesn't mean that my thoughts are worthless missy. Next time, you'll have to beg for my opinion," she stated and I pouted.

"Aw, but Ali, you're like my Paula! I need you to give me good critique since Rose is going to go all Simon on me. 'Bella, that was good, but I've personally seen better. Next!'" I imitated the Simon version of my other best friend and we both giggled.

"I guess that's true..." she mused. "But if we're going to stick to the American Idol theme, then who in the world is Randy?" she questioned and I waved my hand in front of me in a casual manner, implying that her inquiry was simple.

"It's my big goof of a brother, duh!" I stated like it was the most obvious thing in the world. 'Hey dawg, I mean Bella, that was some tight shit sister!'" I proclaimed and Alice started to burst out laughing.

"Oh my god, I remember that! Last week when he decided that he was going to use as much slang or street word or something crazy like that? That was hilarious!" we squealed as we reenacted some of the things that my brilliant brother decided to say that day.

"You guys are gossiping without me?" the door opened and Rose came in, her brilliant smile lighting her face.

"Whatever Rosie. If you weren't so busy with modeling, we would totally let you join," Ali teased and Rose huffed.

"Hey, not everyone can work from home you know."

"Okay, okay, you're both awesome! Now both of you shut up!" I said, giggling. Once they start arguing over whose job was better, their playful banter got out of hand really quickly. "Rose, how was work?"

"Eh, same as usual. Actually, this one was a lot more fun since I was doing it by myself. No really hot but creepy guy trying to rape me during our photo shoot. Personally, I don't think the director would mind either. They're always so… ugh," she shuddered and I raised my brow.

"Ugh?"

"Yes ugh. I have no other way to describe their creepiness without repeating myself. They're all just so ugh. The only photo shoot that I adored completely was the one for Sport Illustrated when I shot with Emmett. That was awesome." A hazy mist drifted over her eyes, glazing it, indicating that she was off in Rose's fantasy land where I probably should never visit.

"So, why are you here?" Alice asked.

Rose gasped sarcastically. "You mean that I can't come see my best friends in the whole world right after work?"

I rolled my eyes at her dramatic attitude. "Rose, it's hard to believe that you came straight to us. You go see my brother, then your brother, Jasper, then you come see us. What did Em say?"

She giggled. "You know me too well. Okay, Emmett wants to go to the Alibi again. He's heard you sing for the past three weeks and he thinks that it's time for you to perform in front of a bigger audience. It'll be a good experience for you."

I bit my bottom lips, cheeks flushing at the mere thought of having to perform in front of strangers. "Oh jeez, I don't know… I mean I'm really not that good and I think that they'll just make fun of my voice, and what if I run into someone I know. Besides, they'll never let a paralyzed person perform on stage anyhow…" I rambled on, trying to make up reasons why this was a bad idea. Seriously, it was. Do you know how scary it was to go up there in the most crowded bar of all times and sing? No way I'm doing this.

"Edward's going to be there," Alice murmured, obviously trying to keep me from hearing but I caught it anyways.

"What?"

"Uh, nothing?" she replied, her answer turning out more like a question.

"Edward's going to be there and you want me to perform one of my sappy love songs to him? Are all of you insane? If he's there, Tanya will be there too and being a professional singer, she'll probably make fun of me. The media will be there too since all of you will be there, and tomorrow, the big head line will be "EMMETT SWAN'S SISTER REVEALED WITH A VOICE OF A DYING CAT! I don't want the Washington Post, New York Times, and E! focusing on me!" I shuddered at the thought. "Uh, no way.""But Bella, you haven't seen him in three weeks. I thought that you wanted to see him." Rose sat down on the bed while she spoke. "Is that not affecting you?"

I glared at the both of them and tried to move into my wheelchair, but Rose tried to help and I shook her off. "Not affecting me?" I questioned, my voice barely audible. "How the hell do you think it's not affecting me? Have you ever felt like your heart was being crushed into tiny little pieces because the one boy you let into your heart without any trepidation purposefully took it and threw it away? Do you know what it feels like to pour yourself out into a song because if I express it any other way I'll cry? I've been abandoned so many times in my life that you'd think I'd get used to it."

"First, it was my mom who died when I was six from a car crash. She was driving me to my birthday party because I was too selfish to let that day go by unnoticed. Then my grandmother then my aunt and uncle as well as cousins who were flying up from Florida to see me graduate middle school, since I insisted they come. Again, a stupid, selfish reason. Then Emmett, my closest friend and brother left to make a better life for himself."

"I wasn't good enough. I've accepted that, and I was happy for him, but it still hurt like hell. He left me to find his own life. I wasn't worth staying around for. My own father died 'cause I wasn't good enough to pay for his medical bills like I was supposed to. Now most recently, the guy that I fell in love with left me because a better opportunity and potential and overall person came along. How can you even question how not seeing him for about a month now can not affect me? It's not possible to live without a heart and that's what I've been doing for the past weeks. He took it with him and he's keeping it even if he doesn't need it," my voice was quivering when I finished, my eyes glistening with tears.

"Oh honey," Alice whispered and came over to hug me.

"Why am I never good enough to be around Alice? I've tried to be nice, not too overbearing, never demanding, I always put them before me, and every time I actually wanted something, they all turn their backs and leave! I wanted my first birthday party the day mother died. I wanted my whole family to be there for my graduation like they were at Emmett's. I wanted for Emmett and I to be together forever and he left for three years. I wanted daddy to live and he died instead. Now I wanted for Edward to love me back like I loved him and instead he abandoned me!" I started sobbing, letting all the pent up anger and sorrow out of my body. She just held me and rubbed soothing circles on my back.

"You know what I think? I think that it's not your fault at all," Rose said.

"That's what everyone says Rose!" I wailed. "I don't need to know what shrinks say all the time to patients to make them feel better! I know it's not true!"

"But sweetie, it is true. Is it your fault that someone hit your mom's car?" I shook my head. "Did you purposefully crash the plane?" No again. "No, it wasn't. And it wasn't your fault that Em wanted to a bigger life than just being a common New Yorker. Just because he dreamt and pursued doesn't mean that he abandoned you. And Charlie? You tried your best to get him what he needed. You worked yourself overtime every night, dropped out a college, and everything a girl could possibly do without demoralizing herself. He would be proud that his daughter tried so hard to save him."

"But I tried and failed Rose! It's my fault that my mom was in the car. It's my fault that my whole extended family was on the plane. It's my fault that daddy died! If I had just worked a little harder or saved up before in my life, he wouldn't have died. The doctors would have worked harder to save him if I actually paid!"

"Isabella Marie Swan! Shut up! You did nothing wrong no matter what you say! No body in the whole world can deny that you're the kindest and the sweetest person that they have ever seen!" Rose shouted at me and I snapped out from my self pity. "I don't care if you drown in your tears because somebody died. But I do care if you even shed a tear because you stupidly believe that somebody died because of you," shed said, holding me close. "Bells, you did nothing wrong. It's okay to want something once in a while and you're never going to be punished for that. You never have been punished for that. You're just thinking that you are."

The room filled with silence after that, my loud wailing and sobbing turning into a quiet hiccups and sniffles. After I had quieted down, the boys came into the room, looking sheepish. "Uh, we heard crying and didn't want to interrupt," Em said, and Alice snorted.

"Uh-huh. More like you heard crying and was afraid of coming in."

Jazz smiled. "Hey, it's scary when you guys cry. It's like a dam coming down on us!" he said and I laughed softly.

"Sorry guys. You didn't have to hear that," I whispered.

"Of course we did Bella. That's what we're here for, right?" Rose answered.

"So are we going to the bar?" my brother asked and we all laughed.

"Yes Em, we can go to the bar. I think I'll be fine now."

Edward POV

The Alibi was crowded, as usual, but we managed to get in without any hassle since we were 'celebrity.' I rolled my eyes at the term. What an oxymoron. We weren't celebrated. We were insulted, put under the microscope, and examined, but never celebrated. The people on stage were all drunk and singing horribly, hurting my ear drums. "Ugh! Eddie, these people are horrible," Tanya slurred, her breath putrid with alcohol.

"What do you want me to do about it?"

"Go up and sing!" she said, swaying. Definitely drunk.

I sighed. It wasn't like I had anything better to do. "Fine."

She squealed and stood up. "HEY! EDWARD CULLEN WANTS TO SING FOR US!" she yelled and the whole crowd started cheering. Two slutty looking girls came by and dragged me on stage.

"So Mr. Cullen, do you want to sing something you wrote or karaoke style?" one asked, tracing her finger disgustingly over my chest. I shuddered at the feeling. Ugh, it felt like… like chalk against a black board.

"I'd like to sing… my own song, please," I said, still hating that her hand was on me. If it were Bella's hand… I shook that thought out of my head. She handed me the microphone and a guitar, leading me over to a stool. The bar cheered loudly when I smiled at them rather forcefully. "This is a song I'd like to dedicate… at a very special someone," I said, clutching the mike. Just then, she walked in. Bella.

My personal angel looked up at the stage from her wheelchair and our eyes locked. I felt my breath catch and my heart stutter as the deep chocolate pools of heaven probed my eyes. Beautiful. Looking straight at her, I continued my dedication. "I seriously messed up with her, and I would like another chance with her if she would let me. I love her more than the world itself and staying away from her just isn't working out."

I'm in troubleI'm an addictI'm addicted to this girlShe's got my heart tied in a knotAnd my stomach in a whirl

But even worseI can't stop loving herShe's all I want and moreI mean damnWhat's not to adore?

I've been playing too much guitarI've been listening to jazzI haven't called at all

'Cause I'm scared out of my mindAnd that cellular will be the death of meI swear, I swear

And ohO-oh, o-oh, o-oohOoooh

I'm running my mouthJust like I got herBut I surely don't

Because she's soO-oh, o-oh, o-oohRock 'n rollAnd out of my leagueIs she out of my league?Let's hope not

I'm in troubleI'm so clichéSee that word just wears me outMakes me feel like just another boyTo laugh and joke about

But even worseI can't stop loving herI love to hear that voiceAnd honestlyI'm left with no choice

I've been playing too much guitarI, I've been listening to jazzI haven't called at all

'Cause I'm scared out of my mindAnd that cellular will be the death of usI swear, I swear

And ohO-oh, o-oh, o-oohOoooh

I'm running my mouthJust like I got herBut I surely don't

Because she's soO-oh, o-oh, o-oohRock 'n rollAnd out of my leagueIs she out of my league?Let's hope not

And ohO-oh, o-oh, o-oohOoooh, oooh

At the end of my song, the whole crowd was cheering and Bella had a beautiful smile on her face. I knew that at that moment, I couldn't keep away from her anymore. I loved her. It wasn't worth it. I calmly walked off the stage when Emmett screamed out, "It's Bella's turn!" and the whole crowd turned their heads to a blushing beauty in a wheelchair. A bunch of people laughed at the suggestion and I felt the anger boiling inside of me.

"Hey! You let some of the worst singers in the world go up and sing! Give her a chance!" I shouted and the two girls unwillingly dragged her up, giving her a guitar and mic like me.

She didn't say a single word, but I knew that her song was going to a response to mine. The guitar started a soft tone and started to become louder.

She can't see the way your eyes will light up when you smileShe never noticed how you stop and stare whenever she walks byAnd you can't see me wanting you the way you want herBut you are everything to mee

And I just want to show you, she don't even know youShe's never gonna love you like I want toAnd you just see right through me but if you only loved meWe could be a beautiful miracle, unbelievableInstead of just invisible, yeah

There's a fire inside of you that can't help but shine throughBut she's never gonna see the light, no matter what you doAnd all I think about is how to make you think of meAnd everything that we could be

And I just want show you, she don't even know youShe's never gonna love you like I want toAnd you just see right through me but if you only loved meWe could be a beautiful miracle, unbelievableInstead of just invisible

Like shadows in the faded light, oh, we're invisibleI just wanna open your eyes and make you realize

And I just want to show you, she don't even know youBaby, let me love you, let me want youYou just see right through me but if you only loved meWe could be a beautiful, miracle, unbelievableInstead of just invisible, oh, yeah

She can't see the way your eyes will light up when you smile

At the end of the song, the whole crowd was cheering with faces of pure shock etched across their faces. I smiled, still remembering the sweetness of her voice that sang like an angel. Alice raced up stage to help her back onto the wheelchair, but instead of wheeling off, she went up to the mike and whispered, "I love you Edward."

My whole world flew away and as soon as she reached me, I simply picked her up and locked my lips to hers and pulling her into my arms where she truly belonged. I was home locked in an embrace of pure love in a happy bubble where no one could reach us. Because in that moment when we kissed, nothing else mattered except for the fact that I loved her and she loved me. We were all that mattered.

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