Dean didn’t sleep. He didn’t drink either, though by god he wanted to follow Sam and drink down a 1/5 of whiskey himself. No he needed to be clearheaded for Sam.
“Oh god, I think I’m gonna be sick,” Dean heard from the other bed. He got up and went to Sam’s side and helped him quickly get into the bathroom. He stayed right there the whole time Sam was sick.
When Dean thought Sam could talk. “Sammy, um, how much do you remember from last night?” Dean hoped the kid had blacked out and didn’t remember their conversation.
Sam sat back on the questionable bathroom floor and looked at Dean with sadness, “Everything”. Sam said as he bowed his head and fought back a fresh wave of tears. He didn’t want to cry over this anymore.
Dean fell to the floor next to Sam and grabbed his brother and held him, but didn’t hold back his own emotions. “Oh God Sam, I’m sorry is not enough, it’s not ever, ever going to be enough”. Dean’s hands fisted in his brother’s hair as he held Sam close to him and thought the damndest thing ‘the kid needs a goddamn haircut’.
Sam pulled away after a couple of minutes and said in a low voice, “Dean, I need a shower”.
“Okay Sammy, okay”. Dean left his brother to take his shower, knowing the kid was going to scrub himself raw, he just knew his brother that well. He told Sam he would be right back and went to get coffee and something for them to eat, even though he knew neither of them would touch food right now. When he got back, Sam was sitting on the bed dressed in just his jeans and a t-shirt head down, hair still dripping wet and shoulders tense. Dean came in and closed the door quietly.
“Sam, why’d you do it? Huh? Why’d you go out there like that?” Sam understood that Dean meant the hustling.
“I needed money. I needed some seed money to get a pool game going. I only had ten in my pocket and knew that wasn’t going to be enough”.
“Sam,” Dean held back his anger, he didn’t want to be angry at his brother, they both did what they did to survive. “Why didn’t you just pick a few pockets? You were always better at that than me?”
“You know what Dad always said, ‘Don’t pick in a small town, it’ll get you noticed”. He looked Dean in the eyes jaw shaking, eyes wet, but no tears.
“Sam, I know this will never ever be enough but I’m sorry. I am so, so sorry I didn’t listen that night. I would never have let you out that door I don’t care what Dad would’ve done, I wouldn’t have let you out that door”. Dean choked on his emotions. He swallowed some coffee to clear his throat and to take a moment.
“I know Dean, I know. The fight with Dad got in the way and I was so angry, I just had to get out of there and away, I just had to get away”. Sam looked up at Dean and saw what this was doing to his big brother. “Dean, I never wanted you to know. You didn’t need to know. I called Bobby and he came and took care of me. I told him not tell you, I begged him not to tell you and I never would have, but this hunt, it, it…” He couldn’t go on. He just didn’t want to talk about it anymore. It was in the past and it should stay in the past.
“Sam,” Dean moved to sit next to Sam and he handed him his coffee. Sam took it just to have something to hold his stomach was too raw put anything in it, “I can never make-up for that night, never, but Sammy, I’m here now and whatever you need I’m here”.
“I know Dean. I’m not mad anymore at you about that night. I was for a long time, but not anymore. I get how much you care, how much you tried to protect me, even from Dad. I saw the shock in your eyes over everything, but I had to leave Dean I had to leave”.
Dean understood now why Sam had left in such a hurry that night. His brother never wanted the hunter life, and he knew that deep down Sam would have left to make something of himself in some way outside of the family. And what happened to him just cemented Sam’s need to leave.
“I forgave you a long time ago Dean. It was just too much. Bobby got me to call someone. You know I’ve never been big on the whole therapy thing, but I called a few times through that first year and it helped. Helped a lot, I learned to live with it and by the time I met Jess, well she helped me even more”.
“Did you tell Jess? Did she know?”
“No, I didn’t see the point. I loved her, but telling her about that night would have just hurt her and I didn’t want to deal with the emotional toll it would take on me, so I left that night alone and never brought it up”.
“If I had known Sam, I would not have let you take this hunt. Never. Seeing you last night,” Dean fought back his emotions, fought back the tears. “That just about destroyed me Sam”.
“Dean,” Sam took a deep breath, swallowed some of the bitter coffee and said, “I wanted this hunt,” And looked pointedly at Dean.
Dean looked puzzled and it took a moment for Dean to realize what Sam was saying, “You did this to yourself on purpose? Is this some sort of, I don’t know punishment thing?”
Sam sighed hard, “No Dean, I wanted to take this hunt to save kids from going through what I did. I took it to chase away their shadows so they wouldn’t go through what I did. I needed this one Dean, I needed it”. Sam was trying to make his brother understand.
“Okay, okay Sammy, is there anything else you haven’t told me about that I should know?”
Sam looked up at the big brother who’d always tried to protect him, always tried to take care of him so he wanted to be honest for once, completely and truly honest, “No, after I started going to school everything was actually kind of boring in a nice non-monster way”.
“Are you going to be okay Sam? Because right now I’m not, I am so very far from being okay”.
Sam saw what this was doing to Dean and it was precisely why he never wanted Dean to know. He needed air, but he wanted to give his brother something just before he left. “Dean look take this card and call that number. They helped me deal with it. Though I didn’t say anything the first few times I called but I finally did one day and it was the best thing I could have ever done. I’m going for a walk I need to just, you know. I’ll be back in a while”.
Dean took the card hesitantly out of Sam’s hands and just stared at it for the longest time. He’s not the sharing of emotions type, except with Bobby and Sammy and even then he holds too much inside, but this time? This time it was too big and too much. Dean heard Sam leave quietly. He stared hard at that battered card. He could tell that Sam kept it close to him, transferring it from wallet to wallet, it was important to the kid. Dean made a decision, it was difficult probably the most difficult phone call he ever made.
“Good morning, Rape crises center, my name is Jamie, do you need any emergency services?” A kind female voice said on the other end of the phone.
“Um, no, no I don’t need emergency”. Dean’s raspy words came out thick with emotion.
“Okay good. What’s your name?”
“Okay Dean, do you want to tell me what happened? You don’t have to we can talk about anything you want”.
“It’s not me, it’s um, it’s,” Dean had to take a minute, he swallowed hard and could tell that Jamie was patiently waiting for him, “it’s my brother, Sam.”
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