"Three Little Pigs" as Told by Shakespeare


DISCLAIMER: This is NOT my own work. This is a story of which is told by John Branyan that has been recorded and meant to share. I am by NO MEANS claiming his words as my own. It's just a fun excerpt.

Children / Fantasy
Leighanna Taylor
Age Rating:

"Three Little Pigs" as Told by Shakespeare

In time past, though not long ago, there lived pigs in stature. Little in number, three, who being of an age – both entitled and inspired – seek their fortune did set about to do thusly. When they have traveled a distance, pig numbered first spake saying, “Harken brethren, heed this tempestuous realm! Terry we hath from hearth and home shall fair I fear *oink* not well.” And so, been collectively agreed, but individually impelled, the diminitive swines set about to erect for each himself an abode. Pig numbered one did construct his helm from straw. Pig numbered two did likewise, though rather not from straw – instead from sticks. Meanwhile, unique in his imaginings, pig numbered three did erectous his domicile stalwart and garish a structure made from brick entirely. Soon that happened along, as is frequently the scenario in classic tale, a protagonist pig or red hooded child, a wolf. Carnivorous nature in full season he called out to the ensconced swine, “Pray thee little pig, grant me entrance.” But pig one recalled was sage, foreboding, that he is mad who trust in the tameness of a belly pinched wolf and responded immediately, “Ney! It shall not be, indeed! Not by wit or whiskered jawohl!” Prepared for this most expected response, the wolf replied immediately, “Then steal thyself, little pig! Forthwith shall I endeavor by employing means – both huffing and puffing – to dismantle yarn flaxen fortress!” Whereupon there issued forth from the wolf an exhale of gale proportions that quickly rendered straw Hummel two dregs and dross, and carried aloft piglet and shattered quarters both. Exposed now to claw and fang, piglet one made haste – wolf in pursuit – to the stick festooned sanctum pecondary secondary. Thus causing pig two to cry out in dismay, “Well this knots my knickers! The marshaling of feral wolf to my doorstep is nowhere among those endeavors of animal or congenial!”

“A thousand pardons!” squealed one. T’would seem the beast with foul breath has purged me of home and sound judgment alike!” The mighty maelstrom of the wolf’s exhale splattered second swine’s shack and shortened his sanctimonious scolding simultaneously. “Low and behold!” squealed two. “Stand we now amid wooden wreckage, tremulous and vulnerable, with nary a strategy for issuing the canine devour a looming in deadly proximity!”

“Strategy?!” squealed one, “While tis noble to contemplate tactical particularites, pressed as we are with time restraint, forbidding detailed strategical conversations! I would urge we RUN!”


Whether by their own fleet-footed competence, or the wolf’s winless attitude, the diminutive swine arrived at their ultimate kindred neighbor’s inexfundable brick ingress unscathed. Upon the third pig’s door, with urgent hooves they pounded, calling out, “Unbar this entrance with haste! We beseech thee!”

The third pig hailed from the American colonies, and possessing a vocabulary substantially less robust than his impromptu visitors replied, “Say what?”

“Seek we sanctuary!” They implored on the verge of hysteria, “Lest we fall forthwith to the ravenous appetency of yonder approaching carnivore!” Still confounded by their impertinent words, pig three did render ajar his portal, whereupon one and two spilled through and collapsed beyond the threshold enervated. “So y’all just wanted to come in? You could’a said that.”

The sinister hiss of the wolf once again be heard outside. “Pray thee, pigs! Grant me entrance!”

“THE WOLF!” said one and two.

“Wolf?” said three. “What you suppose he wants?”

“He seeks to gain purchase within, indeed, he would occupy this very alcove where he thought afforded the most meager of opportunities!”

“Right, I’m just gonna go ask him what he wants.”

“UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES” squealed two, flinging self bodily against the portal, “there is not to be gained costing external opponents! Save our own immediate demise!”

“What did you say about my moma?”

House and occupants were again engulfed in a malevolent blast of wolfish wind. The foundation shook, the frame rattled, and low to the astonished eyes of piglet and encroaching scoundrel alike stood the third pig’s lodging, undaunted. Aghast and dismayed, pig two queried of three, “How dost ye get such relentless and torrential onslaught, yet this domicile endure?”

Pig three, puffed out chest, tapped a hoof to the hearth and responded, “It’s American made.”

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