'Yeah?' I said into my phone. My tone was cold and distant but I expected more yelling so I was preparing myself to yell back. It was cruel and petty but it was how I felt. I wasn't in the mood to be attacked again when she clearly had no idea what was going on in my life.
Instead though, what I got was way different and I guess that even though it shouldn't have, it took me by surprise.
'Dean, why are you being like this?' Tears. She was crying and I wasn't really one to deal with a woman crying, especially when it was over me. Instead of firing up, it crumbled me. Every ounce of anger or defensiveness I had been holding onto evaporated right into thin air and all I could feel was sympathy and a determination to make it right just so she would stop crying… over me.
'Lis, don't cry.' I motioned that I was taking this outside to the guys and waited to see Sam's reaction. As expected he gave me a smile full of support and started to pack up the cards.
'Are you seeing someone else? Is this what this is? This friend of yours; It's not Bobby is it?'
'Yes it's Bobby. Of course it's Bobby.' This time I moved up the sidewalk a bit to the empty playground and sat on a swing out of earshot from everyone. 'Don't go thinking things like that because it's not true.'
'Then why? I don't understand.' She sobbed. 'Before he came everything was going okay wasn't it?'
'It's not Bobby's fault.'
'Dean please. I have to know.'
'Are you at home?'
'Yes. I need to go and buy some food though. Mom said she can lend us some money-'
'No! No, I'm coming home – with the money. We might have to hit a bank first but as soon as I have it, I'll be home and we can talk this out okay?'
'See you soon Hun. And Lis-' I said before she could hang up.
'Don't cry okay?'
It was time to tell her about Sam's comeback. I didn't know just how I was going to do that, but it was definitely time. Lisa didn't know much about what had happened but what I had told her was that Sam had been killed by something supernatural and that he had died a hero.
He had died my hero.
It was going to be hard for her to comprehend. I mean as far as she knew he was dead. Yet now she had to grasp that he was back alive and kicking. How could you get anyone to understand that? But if I thought about it hard enough, I figured if she could wrap her head around what I used to do for a job and understand that kind of stuff exists, maybe, just maybe she could understand this.
And then maybe she could understand why this week had turned out the way it had.
At least it was something huge. She just might get it if it was something huge.
'I have to get going.' I said to Sam and Bobby when I grabbed my jacket from Sam's bed and picked up my keys. 'You going to be alright?'
'Yeah of course.' Sam answered. 'Everything okay?'
'It will be.' I took a seat next to him at the table and leant forward, 'Listen buddy, I 'm going to tell Lisa that you're back. Is that okay with you?'
Even though I saw him swallow, he nodded and said a definite, 'Yeah.'
'Good. Thanks.' I stood up and looked at Bobby. 'You can stay here with him tonight?'
'Yeah. Go do what you have to. We'll be fine.'
'Thanks. You got a sec? Outside?'
I saw Sam cringe out of the corner of my eye and felt bad for him. It would suck being excluded and kept out in the dark like this but I was about to ask Bobby for some money because I had spent all of mine on him. In the condition he was in, he couldn't have taken that so I couldn't let him in on it. There was no damn way.
'I'll look after him, you know that.' Bobby said as I opened the passenger side door to the impala.
'I know. It's not only that.'
When we were both seated, I took in a breath and Bobby locked his eyes on me. I really hated having to do this. 'What's going on Dean?'
I just had to say it. I just had to be a man and say it.
'I need to ask you for some money. I mean, I will pay you back as soon as I can, but I just need to borrow some now if that is okay.'
'You know it is.' He didn't hesitate, not for a second. God how I loved this old man. 'How much do you need?'
It was time to come clean to him too; about the job, the mortgage, next week, next month, the car payment, Lisa – everything and when I had finished he simply said. 'Let's go get you some money.' There was no lecture, no telling me how much of a failure I was and no telling me how much I had let him down because I couldn't even support a family. He just buckled up and rolled the window down a little.
'Thanks Bobby. I mean it, thanks.'
'You think Sammy is going to be okay in there alone for twenty?'
'You want him to come?'
'No. I don't want him knowing.'
Bobby unbuckled his seat belt and said, 'How about you go inside and I go to the bank and bring you back the money?'
That allowed me to breathe out and I smiled at him as I opened my door and he slid over to the driver's seat.
This thing between Lisa and Dean was because of me and that was why he had to tell her I was back. She didn't even know yet and I had caused a rift. I knew it. Dean had said it wasn't to do with me but I knew it was and now he was out telling Bobby stuff that I wasn't allowed to know about.
I felt sick again. And offended. But I understood, I got it. After how I had been, Dean probably thought he couldn't tell me anything. I would just start throwing up all over again and he probably didn't have the time or the inclination to have to deal with that.
What was I saying? He wasn't even here anymore. I had seen Bobby and him get into the impala and then a minute later heard her start. They hadn't even told me they were going somewhere which was weird in itself seeing as though both of them did not want me here alone, yet here I was; alone.
When the motel room door opened I almost jumped out of my skin. I expected to see Cas but then remembered that Cas didn't need doors so hoped above anything else that it wasn't someone or something here to kill me.
When I saw it was Dean, I breathed out but then frowned. 'I thought you were going.'
'I was. I am. When Bobby comes back.'
'Where's he gone?' I tried knowing I wasn't going to get an answer that meant anything.
'Just to take care of something. You want a coke?'
I had to ask. Not knowing was killing me. This was my brother and something was going on and I wanted to know what it was, I wanted to help him. 'Dean, is everything okay? I know you don't want to tell me but I can handle it, I can.'
'Everything's fine. We need to stock this fridge with some beer. When was the last time you had a beer Sammy?'
I did a quick calculation in my head 'Oh about a hundred and twenty years ago.' I meant it as a joke but it stopped Dean in his tracks and made his eyes water and his face drain. 'Sorry, that was a stupid thing to say.'
He didn't answer. Instead it looked like he was the one that was going to throw up – or pass out – or choke.
'Dean, I was just kidding around.' What an effed up idiot I was. He had been in the room for only seconds and I had singlehandedly gotten him so stressed out that he could hardly even stand. 'Dean?'
He slowly stepped over to my bed and sat down. He was someplace else. He wasn't here with me. 'Dean!' and I hoped to God, he wasn't putting himself back in that place and thinking about what eighty more years would have felt like. 'Dean!' I moved over to him and shook his shoulder. 'Please!'
All he was doing was staring straight ahead – just sitting upright and staring straight ahead, focusing on nothing, not even me. 'I'm sorry. Dean, please.'
I didn't get it, he would have known this. This wasn't a surprise; it couldn't have been a shock. He knew the deal. I had been down there for close to a year, this wasn't new information, but I guessed hearing me actually say the words made it feel like the first time for him and I wanted to hurt myself for making him feel this way.
I reached over to my phone sitting on the bedside table and dialed Bobby's number. I needed help with this and quick.
'Bobby. Something's wrong with Dean.'
'No. Sam-' I heard Dean finally speak. 'It's okay. Tell Bobby I'm okay.'
'What's going on Sam?' Bobby questioned.
'It's okay. He's okay.' I hung up the phone and looked at my brother who could at least blink now. 'I'm sorry.'
Without saying a word he grabbed hold of me and pulled me in for another mother of a tight hug. He clutched onto me for dear life and once again both of us cried into each other's shoulders right until Bobby stepped back into the room.
By the time I got home, I had one hell of a headache and two burning, red and swollen eyes. That was not what Lisa was expecting and instead of asking why or telling me off for being later than she was hoping for, she hugged me and led me into the living room.
Her eyes were exactly the same as mine and I hated myself for being the cause of that. More than that, I hated that she had been thinking my actions were because of anything other than what they were.
'How's Ben?' I asked when we sat down on the couch together.
'He's good. I called him before. Mum and dad are with him now and he has had some friends go in. I was thinking I will go in after…this.'
She smiled in nothing but relief, as if she was happy that this talk wasn't going to be a break up.
'What's happening Dean?'
Ok, so here I go.
'Well, Bobby came to visit, that is true and he is staying at the motel and I have been spending time with him. The reason I didn't turn up to work and I had the argument with Steve was because…' How was I going to say this? I had mentally practiced on the drive home but my head had been thumping so hard that it had gotten worse, not better and I hadn't been able to think as clearly as I wanted. 'Lis…'
'What is it?' She was panicking now fully anticipating something massive and probably something bad.
'This is going to sound so strange to you and it is, I'm not denying it but I just need you to understand okay? The other day…' I took another breath in. 'The other day I found out that Sam was back.'
She blinked. Then she frowned. Her head tilted but then straightened. 'What?'
'He's back. Somehow he was brought back to life and he's staying at the same motel as Bobby.'
'How? Dean are you sure? I mean, maybe he wasn't ever killed. Maybe-'
'No, he was. Lis, I was there remember, I saw it for myself. It sounds crazy I know but you know what kind of life I led, you know what we used to deal with – I mean I have died before and I-'
'No-Dean- don't tell me that. I can't even hear that.'
'He's alive Lis. My brother is alive.'
'Oh my God.'
'But the thing is…'
'He -.' I let my breath out. Even saying the words that she wasn't going to believe were too hard for me just after the reality of how long my little brother had been suffering had been beaten over my head. 'He had a real tough time of it and he's not coping too well. He's scared to leave the motel, he's not eating right, he let himself go…I mean, he can't even handle being out in public. He's doing it hard and I've been trying to help him but half the time I'm making it worse and then with this with Ben… and my job and…us…'
'You've been trying to juggle everything.'
I nodded 'And nothing is working.'
'You've been great with Ben.'
'I haven't spent enough time with the kid. I'm sorry.'
'It's fine. He hasn't even noticed. It was just me- but now that I know, I can see why. It's just so hard to believe though. I mean I didn't even know this was possible. It seemed like you didn't either.'
'Oh I knew it was possible, but before…before he died Sammy made me promise I wouldn't try to bring him back and I thought the only way he would be was if I could do it because I didn't think anyone else would, and I didn't think he could.' I shook my head. 'I know this isn't making any sense to you but its true and I just thought it was time for you to know. I hope it explains everything.'
She nodded. 'It does.'
And then I told her the truth about the money, how I hadn't leant it to Bobby but how I had spent it on Sam. She didn't respond to that with anything but a 'Fair enough.'
And then I told her how Bobby had given us five thousand dollars.
'We can't pay that back.'
'He doesn't want us to.'
'Oh Dean, we can't just take it.'
'He won't take it back. He already said so. Bobby's like a second father to us. Hell, in some ways he's been more of a father to us than our own one.' Saying that always made me feel as guilty as hell but I had grown to know that was fact. If I didn't admit it, I was only doing a disservice to Bobby and he never deserved that. 'It's a gift and he basically ordered me to swallow my pride and take it. And this time I have, because hell, we really need to.'
'He sounds lovely.'
'I would love to meet him…and see Sam again; meet him properly too. Do you think they would want that?'
I wasn't sure if she was testing me or if she needed proof. I wasn't even sure if she was being on the level and genuinely wanted to see them both because she believed me, but something in me told me it was a good idea. It would probably be really good for Sammy to come over and see inside the house and meet Lisa. It would also give him a chance to get out of that room without being surrounded by hoards of strangers.
'I'll ask them.' I smiled.
'Ask them for dinner. Whenever you want.'
(To be continued...)