Jim's wife was correct; Jim was useless. How he couldn't break a simple door handle was beyond my comprehension. At times, from my position on the bed, I felt like calling out instructions just to help the poor guy. Then I figured I should just stand up and unlock the door myself. The clanking noise he was making messed with my head and Lisa calling out my name every thirty seconds gave me no chance to think. And I just wanted to think. Wanted to know where this had all gone wrong…and why.
Yesterday I had everyone around me. Today I felt completely alone all over again.
'Dean please. Just open the door,'
If I had a dollar for every time she said those exact words…
'Okay, okay.' She'd done it; she'd beat me down. When I clicked the latch and took a seat back on our bed, I heard Lisa thank Jim for his efforts and apologize. Then much to my relief I listened as his footsteps leaving echoed throughout the house.
I expected fireworks but didn't get them. Expected her to yell and scream and cry, but she didn't do any of that. All she did was open the door softly, sit on the bed next to me and place one hand on my knee. If I was any other man it probably would have soothed me but I wasn't and it didn't. It was the best thing she could do but it had no effect. It didn't help in any way.
'Where is he?'
I wanted to think, not talk.
Bobby's. He might as well live on the other side of the world.
'Dean, talk to me.'
She rubbed her hand up and down my thigh which made me look at her. The woman my brother wanted me to share my life with stared back at me with worried eyes. She was here, willing to support me, not telling me she was leaving, just always here.
'I'm sorry. I can't.' I said shooting up and bolting out the door. The Impala and I needed time. Music needed to blare through my ears before I could even begin to talk this out. This feeling had to go. Then maybe I could sit down and tell her how my brother left…again.
Bobby set me up a bedroom. Told me this had to feel like home as soon as possible. My question was: how does a house feel like a home when a house was never my home? He figured it would. I figured he was right so I let him. After I unpacked my few items of clothing into the cupboard and chest of drawers, I sat down on my freshly made bed and waited for the comfort to sink in.
The room was cozy enough I guessed; as far as Bobby's house could be cozy. I mean my room looked like any other room on TV or in the houses I'd investigated. It was a guy's bedroom, complete with not much more than a lot of space.
'We should hang some pictures up.' Was Bobby's suggestion. If he thought a couple of pictures could settle me in, then fine, he could hang some pictures up. I wouldn't argue. Whatever he thought would help, because truthfully I had no freaking idea.
When he left the room to answer his ringing phone, I picked up mine from the bedside table and checked for any missed calls or messages. Nothing. I tossed it to the side of me and sat back against the wall. I could wallow. I felt like wallowing but what good would that do? Wallowing only got me in deeper with my thoughts. And the very last thing I wanted to do was think. It always turned dangerous when I took the time to think.
I picked up my phone again. I hadn't spoken to my brother in what? Two hours? And already I was wishing he'd call me. Go and live your life Dean. I don't want to hold you back. God, even if he didn't know it, I felt like I was already doing just that.
Especially when I dialed his number once again.
'We got the room set up.' I told him when he asked me how it was going. 'Are you driving?'
'Yeah.' He said as I heard the volume of his stereo lower all the more. 'Just going to get some…alcohol for a party the neighbors are having on the weekend. For a …birthday.'
'Sounds like fun.'
'You'd hate it.' He laughed a little.
'Probably.' I smiled.
'So what room?'
When I spoke to Dean and heard his voice, my strength picked up. I felt a pang of guilt shoot through me. Bobby was being so good to me; totally willing to change his whole life and house around to take care of me but he wasn't Dean. No one was Dean.
'Sam?' he asked when I forgot to answer one of his questions.
'Sorry?' I couldn't remember what it was.
I stood up and shut the door, then returned to my bed while Dean waited for me to speak.
'You think we can do this?' I asked him.
'No. Never have.' He answered so matter-of-factly fresh tears welled in my eyes.
I took a deep breath. 'What do you want?'
'Thanks for finally asking.'
'You know I did this for you as well right?' If I was talking to him I could talk and think properly. Only with him though. Lucifer was further from my mind if Dean was closer.
'I know you think you did.'
'So what do you want?'
'To come and live in Sioux Falls.' I smiled. 'What do you want?' He asked me.
'For you to come and live in Sioux Falls.'
I bounced into the house. Not nervous; determined. Lisa was sitting on the counter in the kitchen and hung up the phone as soon as she saw me enter. No goodbye to her sister, no words at all. Just hung up and then took me in.
'Where's Ben?' I asked. Only frowning she jumped down from the bench and remained silent. 'Is he here?'
'He's at Andrew's. You seem better.'
'How do you feel about moving to Sioux Falls?'
'I know where it is. Where Bobby lives right? I take it that's where Sam is.'
'Dean.' She sighed.
'Ben has school –'
'There are schools there.'
'He has friends.'
'He can make new friends.'
'They even have baseball.'
'Then there's Caroline.'
'And my job.'
'You can get another one.'
'We can't even afford next month.'
'Just as long as you're near Sam.'
'You got it.'
When she nodded, she gave me hope, but then she shook her head just as quick and turned around. With another sigh she picked up the phone and pressed a button; obviously to redial.
'You what?' Bobby was angry. I knew that expression. He was about to yell at me. I thought he would be happy; having both of us around. Not pissed. Why was he pissed?
'He said that's what he wanted.'
'I thought all this was because you wanted him to live a normal life.' He frowned.
'It is. It was. He still can.'
'You think Lisa is going to want to uproot her whole life? Her son? Straight after he's been diagnosed with diabetes?'
'Dean thinks she might.' I tried wishing he would stop pacing and sit down on the couch. I was excited to tell him, now he was making me doubt my actions.
'Why didn't you speak to me about this first?'
'I don't know.' I answered shifting in my cushions. 'I didn't really plan it.'
'And that's the thing Sam. You need to plan things; need some structure, learn to build foundations…'
'Huh?' He was confusing me. 'I just want my brother around.'
'It's not as simple as that.'
'And he wants to be here too. Surely we have to take that into consideration.'
'Sam, it's not as simple as that.'
'If Lisa agrees then it could be.'
'And if she doesn't? What then? Look at the position you just put him in.'
Brain halt. Those words stopped me dead still.
'You didn't even give it a go. You've been here mere hours and already you're on the phone to Dean doing exactly what you didn't want to do.' He shook his head. 'You should have spoken to me first Sam.'
'Don't be mad.' I tried embarrassed at how meek I sounded.
'I'm not mad. I'm just … I just can't believe you did that without talking to me.'
'I'll call him.'
'And say what?'
'That he should stay there.'
'You can't do that!' His voice rose to that expected yell but I still flinched. 'You can't screw him around like that!'
'I don't know what you want.' I swallowed darting my eyes down to the carpet. Everything was starting to fuzz.
God, not now, not again. Stay with it Sam. Stay with it.
'I wanted you not to do that!' Still with the yelling.
'I'll call him. Just – Just stay there Sam. Please.'
'What are you going to say?' I whispered feeling like I was about to hyperventilate. If he was going to rip Dean away from me, I might just hate him.
'Just leave it with me.'
'You'll never see your brother again…'
'Shut UP!' I screamed at the devil as loud as I could and ran my hands through my hair to hold my head. Maybe if I squeezed hard enough he would leave me alone.
'You can't escape me.'
Slamming my eyes shut didn't stop his voice, either did my rocking. I could feel how insane I looked. Rocking back and forth, freaking out and hearing voices. I looked insane because I was insane.
'I'm always with you.'
I fell to the floor and crawled until I hit the wall. Once I turned and slid into the corner, I pulled my legs to my chest and buried my face in my knees. Bobby was taking Dean away, Lucifer was coming for me and all I could do was hide in myself.
'You will pay for what you did to me Sam.'
Here he comes. I could feel him. I didn't even have to look up to know how close he was. He wasn't calm; he was angry and fast and wanted to slice me apart with a simple movement of his fingers. It was dark so I couldn't see him properly, but I could feel him and he was close. If he looked like me, took my image; I thought I would drop dead before he even got to me. Maybe that was a better option anyway. It would hurt less and Dean wouldn't have to hear how my body was turned into a mass of ripped and bloody shreds.
I closed my eyes tighter but kicked out at him. He was there, lunging for me but I'd sent him flying backwards and the second he pushed himself back up and came for me again, I punched him as hard as I could feeling the pain in my knuckles pulsate through my whole body.
'I'm going to kill you!' I roared control suddenly overpowering me.
'Sam no, it's me Bobby. Sam stop. Sam!'
Before it registered, I slammed back one more time and landed a punch so heavy, he reeled back so fast I heard the thump echo in my head.
Bobby! Oh no. No. Please no.
My eyes snapped open and landed on my surrogate father's body slumped back against the book shelf, blood oozing from his mouth, his eyes closed.
'Bobby!' I scrambled up from my position and tore over to him. 'Bobby. Oh God, Bobby wake up.' Even when I slapped his face he wouldn't wake up. Nothing I did woke him up. He was out cold – or worse; dead.
I'd killed Bobby.
Oh God, I killed Bobby.
(to be continued…)
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