The Things that Change Us

Chapter 5

Chapter 5


Man that was intense.

I had never seen Sam like that and to be honest I don't even know how we both got through it, but by the time Bobby and Cas had arrived back loaded up with bag upon bag of necessities, my brother was freshly showered and asleep in his bed.

So we wouldn't wake him, we decided to load everything in Bobby's room for the night. I asked Cas to keep an eye on Sam in the darkness of his room while Bobby and I went through the items they had picked up.

His clothes needed to be smaller, that was depressing to me. I didn't like how much weight he had lost, especially because it was in such a short amount of time. That definitely wasn't healthy. He had let himself go so far beyond anything I could have ever imagined from Sam that I wasn't sure he would ever get back to the way he was.

Bobby was telling me I was being a drama queen for even thinking that. He just needed a shave and a haircut, he said, and needed to eat and sleep more. I didn't believe that for a second. Sam needed much more than that. After what I had seen that night, the condition he had been in; Sam needed much more than that.

'Had he been that way before seeing you?' He asked me as I re-packed the shirts and jeans into their bags.

'He said no.'

'He's releasing Dean. The anxiety of keeping this from you as well as staying separated is finally being let go.'

'I know, but still…You didn't see him Bobby. He was hysterical.'

'I wouldn't expect anything different.'

'Yeah, well, thanks for the heads up.'

'You didn't need a heads up. If you thought about it you wouldn't have expected anything different either. '

True. I sighed and grabbed the bag that was full of food: lots of meat and vegetables, bread, milk, cereal, a few tins and a bit of dairy. They did well. I was going to make Sam cook for himself tomorrow night…and maybe for me and Bobby. If I could just get him to start moving and doing things for himself again maybe he would keep going.

I was also going to make him shave and shampoo and do some damn laundry. I wanted to throw out the clothes he had been wearing, that was where they belonged; in the trash, but the more he did the more I reckoned he would keep doing.

As long as he kept going and as long as he kept doing. That was my start.

'What's the plan for tomorrow?' Bobby sat down and waited for my response.

'A drive. Get him back in the impala.'

'You're not working?'


'Will that be a problem?'

'Not for me.' After I had placed the cold stuff in the fridge I told Bobby something I knew for sure, 'I'm taking a damn picnic as well.'

'A picnic?' Bobby smiled for some reason I wasn't sure of.

'Yeah I'll stop off and get some chicken and other…picnic type things on the way; get him into a store.'

'Tread with care on that.'

'A little store.' I checked the time. Nine-seventeen. 'I'm staying with Sam tonight and tomorrow night. I'm just going to head Lisa's-'

'You can say 'home' Dean, you are allowed to have a home you know.' Bobby interrupted.

'- and get some of my own things. Are you right here for a bit?'

'Of course.' He frowned at me like I was an imbecile.


I woke up with such a fierce jolt that for a second I didn't remember where I was. The first thing I felt was my own sweat covering every inch of my body and the second thing I felt was the brutal thumping in my head. I had cried so much yet fought it all the way and now, it seriously felt like it was about to explode.

'Are you okay?'

The sound of Cas's voice made me jump. He clicked his fingers and the light turned on causing my sore and swollen eyes to blink wildly.

'You don't look okay.' He stated in pure Cas-like fashion. I scanned the room for Dean and when I couldn't find him tried to focus on the clock. Nine-forty. For a second I couldn't work out if it was night or day but then when I thought to look out the slit of the closed curtains, I saw that it was dark outside. Earlier than ten o'clock. It felt like I had been asleep for weeks.

'Aspirin?' I asked suddenly feeling nauseous. Just to top off my whole wreck of a night.

'Ummm.' Cas scanned the room but came up with nothing. 'Do you have any here?'

'No, sorry.'

'I'll just go and check if we got any at the mall.' And with that he was gone. No doors necessary for this Cas. He must have loved having all of his angel mojo back. Life was great again for Cas.

Good for him.

It was Bobby who walked through the door with the pills. Cas didn't return. That was unfortunate because for some reason, with Cas, I didn't feel nearly as embarrassed by my condition as I did with Bobby and Dean. The humiliation I felt with my family was beyond mortifying.

'Hey kid.' He greeted lightly as if I didn't look like an obscene sack of crap.

'Hi.' I thought about hiding under my covers but figured that would look …disturbing, so instead forced myself to stay upright and used the bed head as a support for my back and neck.

After he handed me a glass of water and the aspirin, he sat on the edge of my bed and gave me a soft smile. 'You're not looking so hot.'

I raised my eyebrows as a reply, regretting it instantly as even that motion hurt like a bitch.

'Dean's out getting some of his stuff. You want me to call him?'

'No.' I said too quickly. 'No, I'm fine. Just needed these. Thanks.'

He nodded and smiled again – the same smile of support. 'It's so great to have you back Sam. You have no idea.'

'It's great to be back.' I attempted a smile of my own but it didn't come - which confused me. Of course it was great to be out of hell. And naturally I would be stoked to be back to life, right?

Of course.

'You are going to do it tough for awhile, we both know it but you gotta believe you will come through it. Just like your brother did.'

Of course.

'It is just going to take a bit of time and a lot of effort but I know you're up for that.' When I didn't answer, he continued. 'You did such a monumental thing for everyone on this land Sam. It's not fair, I know, but now you have to do it for yourself. You hear me?'

I nodded as I took three pills at once.

'And always remember, we are here to help you. Whatever you need.'

'Thanks.' That was sweet. Had I ever said that to Dean? I don't think I ever did. Selfish bastard I am. I had no freaking idea…None. What he had gone through…and what I did to him in return… Man, I couldn't even go there. It was too repulsive to even think about again.

I was a sickening glob of pus.

'So I hear you and Dean are going for a drive tomorrow.'


The last thing I felt like doing was going anywhere, but I figured being in a car with my brother was better than going anywhere else – or being with anyone else.

'You want to hear something funny?'

I wasn't up for anything funny. 'What?'

'Dean's going to pack a picnic for you both.'

Okay, so that was definitely kind of funny. 'What?' I felt myself smile for real – which hurt my head even more.

'Yeah. He's going to get you guys a chicken and all.'

'A chicken?'

Dean packing a picnic…oh my God! I smiled again. This I had to see!


My boss was a dick. A full on, dead-head, pure and utter dick. He wanted me in. I told him no, I wasn't coming in. He told me I had to or he would fire me. I told him where to go.

That probably wasn't such a great idea because now I probably didn't have a job.

Lisa was going to just about have a fit. We needed me to have a job because straight after she had just upgraded her car by taking out one huge mother of a loan, her own work hours had been cut back to only three days a week. Add that to the ever increasing costs of everything, being an income down would not be a welcome thing.


'All okay?' Sam asked me as he ventured out of the bathroom after his shower.

'Yeah. Fine.' I looked him up and down. The new jeans and shirt fit him well and he seemed to be in higher spirits this morning which was a good thing. Now for his face; 'You gonna have a shave?'

'Yes.' He frowned as if I had just asked him the most insulting question of all time.

'Just asking.'

What the hell was I going to do for money now? Ben needed hundreds of dollars for this interstate school camping trip within the week and the electricity bill was due the day before the gas bill, which was owed in two business days. Just brilliant. Yesterday, all we had was the weekly mortgage payment and the grocery money – today we had nothing. I had given all that I had to Bobby for Sam's stuff. I was out.

When Sam returned to the bathroom, I sat down and ran my fingers through my short hair. I had to get another job and soon. Like now really. Today. I looked towards the bathroom door and heard the sounds of my brother finally cleaning his damn face up. Maybe now he would start to resemble the person he was, or used to be. Bring it I say.

I wondered if the job at the local gas station was still going. I had seen the sign in the window last Friday when I had filled up but I couldn't remember if it was still there when I stopped for bread and milk on Tuesday. It was probably gone by now. Jobs always went so quickly around here. It was insane.

'You want some breakfast?' I called out remembering it was after nine.

'No. I'm cool.' Sam actually said to me.

'You're having breakfast.' As if I was going to let him not eat. As if. 'What do you feel like? You have toast or cereal.'

A thought hit me; did we have cereal at home? We had been running low the last time Lisa had given me some. I noticed because Ben was encouraged to have toast so that I could have cereal again the next day if I felt like it. Lisa could have picked up some more on her day off yesterday. She probably would have. She was pretty good like that.

'Cereal is fine.' Sam called out.

I moved over to the kitchen and stretched my back out before I pulled two bowls down from the cupboard. That couch sucked. My back was killing me. I stretched again and massaged my neck to loosen it before I took out the milk.

'Come and get it before it gets soggy.' I yelled out to my brother placing his bowl on the table.

I sat on the opposite side of where he would be sitting and glanced out the window. It was still warm out. Nice day for a drive and a picnic. I intended to go to a lookout point that Lisa had told me about. She wanted me to take her there one night. I thought about it for a second; maybe next date night. It did sound like it had a pretty cool view up there and Sam would be okay with it because it was secluded and quiet.

'Sam!' I called again when I felt some of my flakes lose their crispiness.

'I'll just be a sec. Almost done.'

'Now!' He had to enjoy his food to get back into it. I didn't need him suffering through that too. I wanted him to want more.

Thankfully he surfaced. Even though he was only halfway done with the shaving he already looked five million times better. My little brother was coming back. Bit by bit he was coming back.

He sat down and picked up his spoon.

'We need to get you a haircut as well.' I would have to borrow some cash from Bobby for that – or no, we could use the credit card. Oh, but that was probably over the limit now that I had booked Bobby his room. God dammit to hell!

He dropped his spoon. I frowned. 'What?'

'Nothing.' He picked it up again and scooped up a bunch of flakes. 'Bobby could do it.'

'Do what?' My frown hadn't left me.

'Cut my hair.'

Was he joking? 'Why would Bobby do it?'

'Or you.'

He looked serious. 'Why would I do it?'

He shrugged. 'I don't know.'

'We'll go into town tomorrow and get it done. There's a small place –'

'No. Dean, please.'

'Sam,' I rubbed my forehead. 'The quicker you do things like this the easier it is going to be. You have to just jump in and do it.'

Instead of arguing he just looked into his bowl like a sad and scared puppy.

'I'll be right there with you.' I tried. 'Okay?'

Thankfully he nodded. Now to just get it done. That was my main concern.

My second main concern was to get another frickin job.

When the hell was I going to do that? I couldn't leave Sammy, but I couldn't wait too long either. I needed money, everyone needed money. Maybe Sam still had a fake credit card we could use. What was I saying? Of course he did. How else would he be here?

And if things got really bad, there was always the pool table at the bar too…

(to be continued…)

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