Bobby didn't have to, but he sat with me in the bathroom while I threw up over and over again. He rubbed my back as I heaved and retched all over the toilet bowl. It was disgusting and so was I. My jaw was aching, my shoulders felt like they were going to smash in on me and my throat burnt like it was on fire. Could I be any more of a mess?
And why was I like this?
Because my brother had yelled at me.
I was pathetic.
Worse than pathetic. Thank God he wasn't here to witness this. If he thought I was pathetic before, imagine what he would have thought seeing me react like this.
'You okay?' Bobby stupidly asked me. Did I look okay? Did anything at all about me look okay?
'Fine.' I said once I could speak and after I slumped back against the wall on the tiles. He felt my forehead while I grabbed the towel and wiped my mouth for the umpteenth time.
'You're burning up. I think you need to go to the docs Sam.'
'I'm okay.' I lied feeling the same nauseas feeling rise in me again. I managed to get to the bowl and vomit just as I heard the front door open and close. 'Oh God. Don't let him come in.' At least I got those words out before I hurled again.
Bobby stood but it was too late. Before he could even take a step, I heard Dean behind me in the doorway.
'Is he okay?'
'Does he look okay?' Now Bobby gets it.
Feeling Dean kneeling down beside me and placing a hand on my back made me try my hardest to pull myself together. 'What the hell happened?'
'What the hell happened?' Bobby asked incredulously.
'Nothing.' I forced myself to say. 'It just came over me. Must have been the pizza.'
'Are you sick?' Dean asked Bobby which meant he could have bought my fib; it wasn't a lie. Not a lie, just a fib. There was a difference.
'No, I'm not sick.' Bobby wasn't playing ball. He wanted the truth out there, I could tell by his tone.
'Was this…Is he throwing up because of…before?' Dean asked him in horror.
'What do you think?'
'Oh my God. Sammy, listen to me buddy.' He was now leaning into me, even closer to my face and I didn't know how he could do that. How could he be so close to this repulsive beast that was me? 'I'm sorry. I didn't mean…I'm not angry at you okay? I had a crappy morning and sure I wanted you to eat lunch yesterday but hey, I didn't eat lunch yesterday either so who am I to be pissed at you right? I'm not pissed at you. I'm sorry I took it out on you. Sammy, stop okay? It's okay. '
After hurling one more time, I reached behind me for the towel and someone; I'm not sure who handed it to me. Dean helped me back against the wall and I closed my eyes willing myself to come good. After I wiped my mouth again and concentrated on settling my unsettled gut, I opened them and looked at my brother. He was so completely stressed out. He had a crappy day; he had just said so himself and I had made it worse. 'Sorry.' I said trying not to breathe all over him.
'You don't have to be sorry.' He smiled at me. 'You have nothing to be sorry about. I do. I'm the one that's sorry. I over-reacted and you didn't deserve that.'
I didn't quite know what he was talking about. I forgot to eat lunch and I was well aware that if he found that out he would be pissed. That was just Dean. It had always been Dean. I didn't expect anything else and I certainly didn't expect an apology – nor did I deserve one. I was the one who screwed up, not him.
'You okay?' There was that expression I had missed so much. The one that told me that all he cared about was whether I was alright or not. It was selfish and usually it would frustrate me; because he never allowed himself the same concern – but right then, I was grateful for it. I needed it just for me and just to know for sure that he wasn't still mad at me. Because then I could breathe and I could stop throwing up and I could at least try to act a little normal again.
'I'm good.' I smiled. 'You?'
'I'm good as long as you are.'
'Why was your morning crappy?' Sam asked me from his sitting position under the covers in his bed. Bobby and I had insisted he lie down for awhile even though, as usual, he swore to me that he was fine.
Man, being the cause of that kind of reaction really woke me up to the extent of my brother's state of mind. This was not good, not good at all but really, I didn't know how I could have expected anything else. Did I really just think he could take me yelling at him and then leaving him?
I mean I had thought I had done the right thing at the time. I had separated myself from the situation before I did something I would regret; before I really lost it like I felt I was going to. Back then, I was kind of proud of myself. Right now, I hated myself for it.
'I had an argument with Lisa.'
'About me?' He panicked.
'Dude, she doesn't even know you are back, you know that.' I said gently. Now he was so quick to blame himself for everything. It was so sad. I just wished I could fix everything for him. Everything.
'About what then?'
'Nothing you have to worry about. It'll be okay.' I changed positions on the side of his bed and shuffled Bobby's deck of cards that we had been playing with for the past half an hour.
Once I started to deal, my phone rang again. I thought about not even checking on who it was but curiosity got the better of me and I reached into my pocket and pulled it out. Again, it was Lisa. What would it mean if I ignored it I wondered? Nothing good I was sure.
'Hey' I answered purposely leaving out the 'babe' as I did every time we argued. She would only get it again once she apologized to me for being so unsupportive and crabby.
'Why is there no money in the bank?' Was her cold greeting.
I had to take this outside. 'Won't be a sec.' I smiled at Sam before leaving him alone in the room. Bobby had made himself scarce in the hope that Sam and I would bond after the fiasco that was earlier. I didn't enjoy leaving him so I hung around the front in case he needed me for something.
'I had to lend it to Bobby.' I lied to her the second I closed the door behind me. 'He is paying me back today.'
'What? All of it?'
'Yes. He needed it so I lent it to him.'
'You lent him all of our money when you didn't have a job and when all we had was enough for food and a roof over our head?'
'I said he is giving it back to me today.' Okay, I had to hit Bobby up for a loan and quick. Today – obviously.
'This isn't good enough Dean. As if losing your job wasn't bad enough, now I find out you have given all of our money away and you hadn't even had the decency to talk to me about it! Any of it!'
'I was going to.'
'When the time was right. With all this stuff going on, I didn't think it was really the right time.'
'Can you come home now please? With the money? Now, please.'
'I can't just yet.'
'You have to! I need to buy some food. Ben comes home tomorrow!'
'I know that. Just tell me what you need and I can pick it up on my way home tonight.'
'Tonight? Dean I want you home.'
'I told you I can't right now.'
'Now Dean! Now!'
And with that she hung up on me again.
I called her back, my blood boiling and when she connected, I yelled back at her; 'Quit hanging up on me!' and then, being the mature, level headed person I was, I hung up on her.
'That didn't sound so great.' Sam stated when I re-entered the room determined to put on a happy face for him. I hadn't even considered the possibility that he might have heard which was stupid of me seeing as though I didn't leave his front door.
'You have to go?'
'Yes you do. Go Dean. I'm fine, I promise. You can even get Bobby in here if you want.'
'I'm not going anywhere.' I sat back on the bed and continued to deal the cards. Looking at Sammy relaxed me and when I remembered just a few days ago that I didn't have him at all; I smiled widely and felt an overwhelming wave of gratitude wash over me. Whatever was going on and whatever happened in my life, at least I had him back and at least he was alive and out of that place. That's all that mattered. That was it.
When Dean kicked my ass in poker, we decided to call Bobby in. Dean's confidence was overflowing and he told me while he was on this roll, he simply needed to beat the all time champion and master of the game.
He never did.
Either did I.
Which was pretty funny. What was even funnier was when we all reverted to playing the games we played as kids; Snap, Go Fish, Concentration and even Old Maid.
'No freaking way!' Dean exclaimed when he was left with the Old Maid – which was the Queen of Hearts– for the third time. 'Deal again.'
Bobby and I smiled at each other and I dealt the cards. Once again, and much to Dean's dismay, he was left being the Old Maid.
'This is rigged! You guys are cheating!' He frowned lightly although definitely genuinely doubting our integrity.'I am so not an old maid!'
I hadn't laughed this much in years. I forgot what it felt like to laugh so hard that your mouth ached and your side hurt and your stomach tightened.
'Give the damn cards to me.' Dean said as he himself laughed along. 'What's the bet I don't get it this time?'
'Freaking hell! Come on! Seriously!'
'Again.' He ordered as he handed the cards to Bobby and watched with an eagle eye just in case the man somehow managed to cheat.
This time though it was Bobby's turn to be left with the pretty Queen of Hearts and Dean found this to be hilarious. So did I and so did Bobby. We all laughed until our eyes watered and we found it hard to breathe. When one would manage to stop themselves another would laugh all the harder causing him to start all over again. Man it felt good, we were finally having some fun – real fun - stupid fun - and we were having it with each other. This was the one thing I had wanted when I had found myself topside; to see my brother laughing and to be a part of the reason why. It was now happening even if it was for just one night and I could already feel it doing the world of good for me - and hopefully for him as well.
Just as we had all pulled ourselves together, his phone rang again.
It was Lisa.
(to be continued…)