Chapter 3: Major Frank Burns


Major Frank Burns, man’s offer to the inhumanity of doctors’ patience demanded the immediate attention of the surgeon of the hour one; Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce.

Hawkeye, named by his father after the character from one of the greatest of books ever to be written; by New Jersey author- James Fenimore Cooper-The Last of the Mohicans issued more than a fond welcome to one of many nurses as she crossed his searching wake.

“..... Hey......” Hawkeye Pierce teased the girl wearily, with a downward left-hand swiping of his favorite Army style, light fabric; multiple camouflage, short-rimmed boonie hat.

The nurse of his fast moving attentions, she merely smiled and continued quickly on her way. The Majors’ duo exiting post op- with more than one gripe in complaint.

“Pierce, hold up!”

Captain Benjamin (Hawkeye Franklin Pierce) Rolled his eyes, shook his head, and gave with a slight sigh; before addressing- the majors’ complaints.

“Oh, lay off, Frank. I just had a hard day at the office.....”

Major Margaret Houlihan looked on silently, as Major Frank Burns scolded the young captain.

“Your conduct in there was not only unbecoming of an officer, it was equally reprehensible as a medical man!”

“Frank, I happen to be an officer only because I foolishly opened an invitation from President Truman to come to this costume party. And as for my ability as a doctor, if you seriously question that, I’m afraid I’ll just have to challenge you to a duel.....

Captain John Francis Xavier “Trapper” McIntyre, stepped up to the left side of surgeon Hawkeye Pierce. One of his favorite- nurses caught up quickly within the clutches of his inescapable left-handed grasp.

“Swords or pistols?” Queried Trapper John McIntyre jokingly.

"I was thinking of specimen bottles at twenty spaces....."

Frank Burns immediately pointed out the Fairer of the doctors' three's presence.

"There are ladies present."

"..... Oh, sorry, baby....." Hawkeye Pierce commented casually to Major Margaret Houlihan, on her focused attentions of the Majors' daily dose of unnecessary scolding.

"..... It's Major to you....."

"Oh, sorry, major baby....."

Margaret Houlihan stamped hard down- her right foot, and gave into a sheesh; on the obvious lack of military discipline, presented by the doctors outrageous.

"You’re both a disgrace to this outfit....."

Frank Burns scolded again.

"Aw, come on, Frank! We’ve all had twelve straight hours of meatball surgery in there! My brain is sending me urgent rest telegrams. You must be tired, too, after all that malpractice you put in....."

Major Frank Burns and Major Margaret Houlihan, exchanged fast glances. Both superior ranking officers, quickly pondering- on whether or not- the other should take some kind of- official action towards the doctors' comments.

Margaret Houlihan stomped her foot hard- down once again. The lady- Major quickly relieving the two drafted officers.

"You’re dismissed captains!"

"Thanks, Mother..... We got to get up early anyway, and fix- MacArthur’s hernia. Come on, Mary....."

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