RAFFLE OFF YOUR FAVORITE NURSE: M*A*S*H YEAR ONE BOOK ONE

Chapter 4: House-boy Ho-Jon

Captains Bejamin “Hawkeye” Pierce and John Francis Xavier “Trapper” McIntyre, walked casually past the 4077′s signpost, on their way- to their tent. The two doctors inspired creatively, calling their away from home shared residence The SWAMP.

“Some nurse this guy had.....”

“..... Oh, yeah. Was that the one with the.....”

“.....Yeah, right. The one I was telling you about.....”

Captain John McIntyre quickly finished up on the days playful comradery of humorous intent, with no one nearby that may be listening in on their conversations; being actually aware of the- fabricated nurse they were actually talking about.

Their very own Korean house-boy Ho-Jon, was waiting for the two. Their tent door held open for their entry. The two greeted the Korean boy on entering

“Hi, Ho-Jon.....”

“.....Hi, Ho-Jon.....”

“..... She came to me once with a sore throat. She didn’t mind my examining her tonsils, but she didn’t understand why she had to take off her clothes......”

Captain John McIntyre continued gradually with the telling of his farfetched tale, of doctor and nurse sexually accepted; after hours relations.

“..... That’s a woman all over.....” Hawkeye Pierce commented wearily.

“..... Best place for them to be......”

Captain Spearchucker Jones, tossed house-boy Ho-Jon; his- emptied thermos. " Here..... Night, guys.... I’ve left a call for 1967.....”

Ho-Jon poured Hawkeye and Trapper each a martini from their M.A.S.H 4077 official (although, not exactly allowed)Army grade surgical instrumentation, jury rigged patchwork still.

“Oh, yeah. Thanks, Ho-Jon.....”

“All right. Thanks..... Ah. Finest kind.....”

“Just like Mother used to make.....”

Trapper John McIntyre smarted teasingly.

“You know, we’ve got to do it someday..... Throw away all the guns, and invite all the jokers from the north and the south in here to a cocktail party. Last man standing on his feet at the end wins the war.....”

Corporal Walter Eugene “Radar” O’Reilly, official Clerk of the 4077 Mobile Army Surgical Hospital entered The SWAMP for his daily delivery.

“You guys got mail.... That’s Hawkeye..... Trapper.”

“I don’t feel like mail......” Trapper John McIntyre attempted to contest his day’s delivery seriously.

“Go ahead, open it. They can’t draft you again.....” Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce returned smartly.

“.....Bad news from my wife. She still loves me. Would you believe this? She still thinks I got sent to Korea as part of some secret plot to cheat on her.....”

“.....Well, didn’t you?” Hawkeye probed deeper.

“.....Yeah, but how did she figure it out?”

“..... Hey, Ho-Jon! Come here. Sit down. I got a letter from Dean Lodge.....”

Captain Hawkeye Pierce called immediately on the SWAMP’S house-boy’s attention on the reading of his letter.

“..... Is that a good place to stay?”

“..... Ha-ha. He’s the head of my alma mater. Listen to this.....

Dear Hawkeye, as dean of the college, I naturally remember you very well.....

After my first autopsy, I mailed him a nervous system.....

Your request to enter the Korean boy, Ho-Jon, seems one of your nobler gestures, and since his academic record meets our requirements, we will be pleased to accept him this fall, provided you can get him here and also send me one thousand dollars tuition before the fifteenth.....

It was good hearing from you. If you do to the army what you did to this college, America is finished.....

Uh huh.....

Yours sincerely-Etcetera, etcetera.”

Ho-Jon smiled wide, the Korean boy slapping his knees and rising fast from the bunk opposite to Hawkeye’s.

“..... Hot dog!”

“..... Hey, that’s terrific......”

Captain McIntyre gracefully congratulated the house-boy.

“How can I ever thank you?” Ho-Jon questioned, as he gave the captain a brotherly embrace.

“You just go back there and become the best possible you; you can be......”

“..... I go tell my folks.....”

Ho-Jon exited quickly from the doctors’ tent.

“..... Ah.....” Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce sighed.

Captain McIntyre arose from his cot to pour himself a second martini.

“Where are we gonna get a thousand dollars?”

Captain John McIntyre questioned Hawkeye with the day’s dose of reality apparent.

"It’s more like two thousand, you know, with transportation and clothing and everything...... He can stay with my parents, so there’s no problem there......”

Spearchucker Jones rolled over in his cot, the sleeping man mumbling low his words as he dreamed.

“...... I’m about that.......Can’t beat that offer....... Yeah I’m all right.......”

“Maybe we could sell Spearchucker while he’s asleep......”

Captain Hawkeye Pierce now paced, thinking aloud the space interior of The SWAMP.

“There must be something we can sell. What does everybody want here? What- What do all these people want more than anything else?”

Hawkeye now pondered on the raising of the day’s scheming.

“...... To go home or, uh, Tokyo, whichever comes first.....”

“..... What do they really want?”

Hawkeye Pierce now smiled widely, the doctor captain quickly formulating a plan.

“..... Sex.....”

Captain McIntyre answered almost immediately.

“..... Ahh......”

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce continued running over the details of the plan silently.

“Except for those baseball perverts......” Captain Trapper John McIntyre added on jokingly.

“All right, we’ll have Radar print up some tickets, and you make up a sign.....”

Hawkeye Pierce, now shared aloud; the ingenious workings of his quick to get rich scheme planning.

“Mind telling me what we’re gonna put on the sign?”

“..... All you can drink, ten bucks a head.....”

Hawkeye Pierce now used- hand gesture mimicry in the air to simulate the posting of a completed sign.

“Giant door prize: weekend pass for two in Tokyo.... Lucky winner to share the company of a gorgeous nurse.....”

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce returned to the comfort of his cot.

“..... You wanna raffle off a nurse?”

Trapper John McIntyre asked the other questioningly on the doctors’ sensibilities.

“Is that what I said?”


Yes, sir? Radar! Radar, don’t do that. Yes, sir. You wanted to see me, sir? Yes, but let me say I want to see you before I see you. Yes, sir. You wanted to see these, sir? - How did you know that? - That’s why you called me. Oh, yeah. - You wanted me to take those, sir. - Yeah. Captains Pierce and Mclntyre to see you, sir. Show them in. Men. - How are ya, Henry? - How are ya, Henry? That’s not what you guys came to ask. I mean, the last thing you wanna know when you say, ” How are you?” is how am I. All right, Henry, let’s skip the gristle and get right down to the bone. Now, what we want from you is two weekend passes so we can raise this tuition. See, what we wanna do is raffle them off, along with the company of one of our nurses whose heart and everything else is in the right place. Seems like a good enough cause. Why don’t I trust you guys? - ‘Cause we’re not trustworthy. - Yeah. Yeah, maybe that’s it. How do I know you’re on the level? Which nurse have you conned into doing this? Well, I haven’t approached her yet, but there could be only one choice. A girl with a face that doesn’t quit. A girl with so much body, she should be continued on the next girl. -[ Henry ] Lieutenant Dish. -[ Hawkeye ] Lieutenant Dish. -[ Henry ] Lieutenant Dish will never agree to this. -[ Hawkeye ] Oh, but she will. Because inaccessible as she is to everybody else in this cruddy outfit, she’s putty in the hands of the master. Hawkeye, that makes me crazy. My lips were made by Stradivarius. [ Hawkeye ] Dish, I have to ask you a favor. [ Dish ] How many times must I tell you? I’m engaged! [ Hawkeye ] I’m engaged too. Think of me as a dress rehearsal. [ Dish ] Always sneaking up on me! -[ Hawkeye ] Who sneaks up on you? - Psst. [ Dish ] You really thrive on rejection. Hawkeye, I’m trying to be faithful. A girl can only take so much. [ Hawkeye ] Are we anywhere near that point yet? You said you wanted a favor. Yeah, I’ll tell you after I finish my lunch. Sickening. Animals. Here’s $10 for Radar’s ticket. Ten dollars for the Painless Pole. And $10 for the winning ticket. You walk off with this raffle, we’re gonna be able to sell tickets to your lynching. Don’t worry about it. How are we doin’? Oh, around 600. We’re a little short, you know. Oh, well, we haven’t given everybody a chance to contribute. - What are you doin’ to Frank’s gear? - Selling nickel-nose a ticket. I know he wouldn’t mind if he were alive today. What are you doin’ there? I just wanted to borrow your Bible, Frank. Since when are you interested in the Bible? I peeked at the end, Frank. The devil did it. Shut up! You get off of there. Don’t get physical, Frank. You’ll blow your sainthood. I’ve had just about as much as I can stand from you two, between your snide remarks and your corruption of Ho-Jon and your-your-your turning this place into a brothel! - Hey, whoa! - Wait a minute! And a distillery! Frank, I’m tellin’ ya. You drop that gin mill and your head’s gonna go in the shop. Oh. Um, listen, guys. I didn’t know it was gonna break. - Oh, that’s okay. - It’s all right, Frank. Don’t worry about it. Don’t give it another thought. [ Shouting ] - [ Shouting ] - I thought he’d never leave. Henry, you have no idea what it’s like to share a tent with a guy who thinks he’s all 12 disciples. Be that as it may, if I don’t do something about this, Frank’ll report it to Hammond, and he’ll put my butt in traction! And get your feet off my desk! So I’m withdrawing the weekend passes. You can forget about the party and raffle business tomorrow night. Henry, that’s pretty regular army of you, isn’t it? It’s just as well. I have to go down and see Hammond in Seoul for a few days, and I wasn’t any too happy about the party taking place in my absence. [ Woman Singing ” Happy Days Are Here Again” In Japanese ] [ Rotors Whirring ] Happy days are here again What’s this? It’s the weekend passes for the raffle. When did he sign these? When he thought he was ordering a ton of ice cream. Fudge ripple. Happy days are here again [ Continues InJapanese ] [ Man On P.A.] Attention, all personnel. Both day and night shifts will be confined to duty in the admitting ward tomorrow night. All other activities are cancelled. There will be no exceptions. By order of the acting commanding offiicer, Major Frank Burns. [ Singing Continues ] - Captain, put that down! - #Happy days are here a-## What do you say, buddy? Morning, Frank. - Morning. - Hey, Frank, I’m glad you got here. You wanna hear something really wild? Come here. [ Gasps ] [ Hawkeye ] What’s the matter, Frank? Frank’s a little groggy. [ Trapper ] Yes. He needs a little rest. [ Hawkeye ] He’s been so tense. Sometimes rest is the best medicine. There you go, Frank. [ Everybody Humming ” Brahms’ Lullaby” ] - [ Mutters ] - [ Hawkeye ] What’s that, Frank? - [ Mutters Again ] - Okay, Frank. Now let’s see that this patient gets all the rest he so badly needs. I say he should be sedated every hour on the hour. - [ Mutters ] -##[ Everybody Humming ] [ Big-Band Style ] [ Man Singing InJapanese ] [ Chattering ] Oh, you look good. Hiya, Ho-Jon. Hi. Thank you. You still haven’t told me how I get out of going away with the winner. And why do I get the funny feeling it’s gonna be you? You don’t trust me. Not since the first time I found you hiding in my sleeping bag. May I have this shuffle? [ Singing Continues ] - Excuse me! - Oh! Excuse me! Father. Captain Pierce! Oh, I’m sorry, honey. My dance card’s all full. - Where is he? - Who? You know very well who. Major Burns! He’s been missing for hours! - Oh, I thought you’d heard. - Heard what? Frank’s gone over to the enemy. They offered him $100 more a week and a royalty on bedpans. When I find him, you’ll be under arrest! It doesn’t bother me. My spies tell me three companies of Canadians attacked Hill 55 about an hour ago. By midnight, this place’ll be flooded with casualties. Personally, I don’t plan to work if I’m busted. Well, you tell that to Major Burns. Look, Hot Lips- Why don’t you stop worrying about Elmer Gantry? Grab yourself a partner and give him a dancing physical. Excuse me! - Excuse me! - You will live dangerously. What could she do to us? General Hammond, please. Tell him it’s Major Houlihan. [ Margaret ] Major Margaret Houlihan from Fort Benning. Major Houlihan? [ Crashing ] Excuse me. Don’t get up. Yes, sir. [ Party Guests Chattering ] Frank? [ Man Singing “Chattanooga Choo-Choo”InJapanese ] Frank? [ Singing Continues ] Okay, okay. Calm down, everybody. First of all I want to announce that, because of your generosity and thirst, we raised over And that means that Ho-Jon’s college career is off to a flying start! Go, team! Fight, team! Yea, team! Put that man in traction. The next thing I wanted to tell you is to get out your raffle tickets, because this is when the whole thing hits the fan. Frank! [ Rotors Whirring ] And now, the incomparable Lieutenant Dish. [ Cheering ] Star of stage, screen and radiology, will dip her sensuous claw into the bowl and pick the lucky winner. Here it is, ladies and germs, the name of the fortunate man who will spend a glorious weekend for two in Tokyo with the completely edible Lieutenant Dish. And the winner is FatherJohn P. Mulcahy! Ten-hut! It- Do I understand that the priest of this outfit has just won a weekend with a nurse in Tokyo? - It’s a prayer come true. - Who are you? Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce. Who are you, Sarge? What do you think this star means? You’re Tinkerbell? This is Brigadier General Hammond, Chief Medical Offiicer of the Seoul Sector! Oh, hi. Which one here’s Mclntyre? Yo! You and Pierce are both under arrest. I’d like to get a second opinion on that. [ Muttering ] What’s the charge, General? Breaking orders by having this party. - And handing out unauthorized passes! - [ Groans ] - [ Muttering ] - The mummy strikes! Major Burns, sir- - Hamilton. - Hot Lips. - Hot Lips? - Hot Lips? Those two! They’re ruining this war for all of us! Get your M.P.’s, Henry. On the double! Come on, Henry. You two are going to be court-martialed. - In Tokyo? - San Francisco? Right here is where you’ll be tried, and right here is where you’ll serve your time. Now get moving. You’re under arrest. - I’m afraid we can’t do that, General. - No. It’s a good idea, though. I’d do the same thing in his place. - You can’t do what? - Listen! - What? - Wait for it. Those helicopters you’re about to hear are gonna be filled with Canadians who went to a different party tonight. -[ Rotors Whirring ] - Without us, a lot of those kids are not getting home. [ Man On P.A.] Attention, all personnel. Report immediately to admitting ward and operating room. General, look. Hey, you can put us in the clink after. But right now we got a job to do and we’re a little shorthanded around here, and we can use all the help we can get. By the way, how are your hands? - Steady? - No. Dirty nails. Come on. Let’s get ready, men. I got it. There it is. I see it. Okay, let me have the suture. Suture. Come on. Let’s go. Good girl. - Suture. Sponge. - Okay, we got it. [ Sighs ] Well, I haven’t put in a stretch like that for years, Henry. Makes you remember what you’re all about, doesn’t it? Radar! - Yes, sir! - Damn it, Radar! How many times- Yes, sir. I’ve alerted the General’s pilot. He’s ready to take off. Now, I want you to alert the General’s pilot to be ready to take off at any time. - And that’s an order. - Henry. Those two maniacs are the best surgeons I’ve ever seen. Made me feel like a horse doctor in there. Now make sure you don’t lose ‘em, not even to me. Yes, sir. You’re not leaving now, are you, sir? I’ve got to get back to the base, Henry. - Oh, I was hoping to give you a box of your favorite- - Cigars. - Cigars. - Oh. Thank you, Henry. Don’t forget what I said. Hey, where’s he goin’? We’re all set. Forget it. He was too impressed to have you arrested. We did it again- screwed up in reverse. I keep telling you, we gotta give up this preoccupation with keeping people alive, or we’ll never get outta here. - It’s no use. We’re doomed. - Maybe we should start using rusty instruments. - Stop washing our hands. - Raise our prices. Hey. Hi, there. I couldn’t help noticing you in the operating room. Great the way you did- What do you mean, it’s too early in the morning? Hey, I liked your work with the sponge this morning. Terrific. [ Woman ] #I will always be yours for eternity # [ Man ] Attention! Attention! The following personnel are assigned to the 4077 th Mobile Army Surgical Hospital. Alan Alda. Wayne Rogers. McLean Stevenson. Loretta Swit. G. Wood. Larry Linville. Gary Burghoff. Karen Philipp. George Morgan. Patrick Adiarte. Timothy Brown. Odessa Cleveland.

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