Doctor Who: The Bright Asylum

Bonito Flakes


“What do you feed them, anyhow?”

“What?”

“Babies you moron!”

“…that was uncalled for.”

“Oh you Othering snipe! Just answer the bloody question!”

“How should I know?”

“…you mean you don’t? Bloody hell! Since you’re going to have one and ruin my lives, don’t you think you ought to?”

“…No.”

“You are so joking. You’re having me on! You’re having me on…”

“No. But If I did name it… hrm… maybe I’ll name it after the third moon of Poosh, you know the one.”

“Yes, the one Davros borrowed out from under your nose because you were busy snogging that blonde chit? Well, better wrap a gun up for baby’s birthday then, because it’s gonna shoot itself on exit.”

“...”

“Oh right, sorry. She’s off-limits. Moving on, do try to refrain from throwing large objects at my head in future. If you wish to keep yours. Remember I am Lord President.”

“…empty threat. You’re a teddy bear. A big, angry teddy bear. And, furthermore, I know you are but what am I?”

“Gaaah! Where is that damn physician I asked for?”

“Oh Koschei, really… there aren’t any general health practitioners on Gallifrey, remember? I’m the only one.”

“Yes, but you’re a quack lady doctor.”

“Are you implying I’m a girl?”

“No, I’m outright stating it.”

“Did you steal my anime collection again?”

“I’ll never admit to that. By the way, do you realize how much of a hero complex you’ve developed? It would put Kawakami Gensai to shame.”

“You just did. And don’t knock heroics. They’re useful in a pinch, especially if you want to look impressive.”

“Complex.”

“Jungian dysfunction.”

“Ego Trip.”

“Mother’s boy.”

“Ponce.”

“Sadist.”

“Self-loathing twat.”

“No argument there.”

“…well that was no fun. You broke my run.”

“Who are you, Doctor Seuss now?”

“Don’t you mean Doctor Moreau?”

“No. I meant Seuss. Or Zhivago. You rhymed, too. See, you’re not evil! That’s something, at least! And speaking of the Rani, she never could carry a tune. Or a plan to fruition, frankly. Her modus operandi always were a bit rubbish. I really can’t understand why she just couldn’t pack it in. I was always going to defeat her. That was always in the cards.”

“Plus the fact she was an idiot. And since when did you play Gin Roummy?”

“I know! Poor woman- she kissed like a limp fish. Anyway, to answer your question, since that unfortunate incident In Bruges. But ooh, limp fish, that reminds me! Did I ever tell you about that Saturnyne icthyoform who proposed to me?”

“I heard about that. Something involving an alternate micro-universe created because of that irritating crack in space-time? She and her boys got stranded, wanted to play happy families by setting up illegal terraforming equipment in Venice. Mummy hit on you. What did you say?”

“I said, ‘It’ll never work. I’m a Time Lord. You’re a… big fish.’ How did you know, by the way?”

“Charming. I take it she died soon after? My my my but you have such bad luck with anyone under five hundred. And I’m not answering that.”

“Fair enough. Of course, that timeline never happens now. The cracks are gone, along with every adverse change they affected.”

“… do you really think that? You still remember though. That’s as adverse an effect as any. Curse of the Time Lords, blah di blah di blah. You shouldn’t brood so much. Idiot. Some of the more annoying people could have still stayed dead! You never know!”

“Don’t be an arse. I’m saying that I’ve played the fool so long, the mask is all they see. Maybe it’s all that’s left me now. To play the fool.”

“… don’t be an arse. Theta, you need a vacation. Shall we go annoy someone?”

…there’s no need. Someone’s been right outside the door for the last quarter-hour.”

“What the devil? Is that… is that Pasmodius? Oh god it is.”

“Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t. Burn the wick at both ends, so to speak.”

“No-one Knows Pasmo unless they’re just as insane as he is! And how the hell do you know he isn’t rattlebrained?”

“Hush. I just do. Or rather I did, a very long time ago.”

“You’ve lost it. I’m letting him in, if only to keep you from talking. The fall obviously broke your head.”

“You mean my bum, I suppose. Last time I checked, I wasn’t an Auton. They aren’t interchangeable.”

“Well, since the old clattrap has managed to horn in, why don’t we share some of the spoils?”

“You mean give that macadamias for brains librarian a share in the whole cornucopia? Do you think that’s wise?”

“Didn’t you just say… nevermind. I’m letting him in. Hey, what’s that on your hand… that ring, it’s…”

“Nothing you need concern your pretty head over. There, see? That wasn’t so hard, was it?”

<grumble>


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