I Don't Remember

No One to Blame


I woke to intense knocking and sunlight streaming in through the curtains. I blinked my eyes at the light, taking a few seconds to wake. I'd slept in? What time was it? Was I late? I sighed in the sudden realization that today was Saturday and the knocking hadn't stopped nor was it about to. Shaking my head slightly and finally opening my eyes wide, I waved my wand down my body to summon my uniform and boots.

"Alright, all right!" I said loudly, rushing to the chamber door and opening it wide. Molly Weasley stood there, a tray in her arms and looking too cheery for my taste.

"Good morning Severus. You missed breakfast."

"So you took it upon yourself to bring it to me?" My words were sarcastic, but even as I said them I stood to the side to allow her to pass, which she did, placing the tray on my paper laden desk with a great show of joviality.

"What are friends for?" She said, smiling as she turned to me still standing at the door.

"I have no idea." I closed the door and walked over to the tray, grabbing a piece of sausage and taking a bite. "I just woke up." I said, a hint of amazement in my voice.

"Might be the first time you've ever slept in."

"Might just be." I took a sip of the goblet, looking past her out the window. "I was helping Flitwick last night; his work load is catching up to him."

She nodded, looking concerned. "He's been doing two classes the whole year. I'm amazed he lasted this long."

"Well, there's not a lot of people able to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts, and those that are able still think the job is-"

"Cursed. Yes." I took another bite of my sausage, blinking a little hard to get sleep from my eyes. She watched me for a bit, something I didn't make much of.

"Severus, are you alright?"

"Of course I am. Why?"

"There's been some..." She stopped, and tried again. "Well, I know my daughter yelled at you quite a bit, and far from threatening her employment future, you ended up apologizing for the behavior that had caused it."

"Your point?"

"Is there a side effect of the de-aging I should know about?"

I could have smiled. "No. Nothing like that. Honestly with each day its refreshing. I'm told one of the worst forms of torture is a young mind trapped in an old body, and I have a break from that." I sipped, strolling around the desk to sit. "I think I'm just at a crossroads with myself, and accepting it. Maybe it has to do with the dreams I've been having."

She looked uncomfortable. "I don't think I'll ask."

I narrowed my eyes. "Molly do you really think I'd admit it if I had those kind of dreams?"

Her cheeks reddened. "No." She smiled slightly. "I've raised a lot of boys, so I got carried away." Pulling up a chair, she sat. "So what where you dreaming?"

I sat back, looking idly at the food she'd brought. "Its the same each time. I'm thinking, while I dream, of my class in potions. I'm talking to myself. Wouldn't it be nice if I was left alone, how magnificent would it be to rule the world... Things I used to think that's been in the back of my mind, pushed there by the changes in my life. Then the scene changes,and instead of a room, or figures that I know, there's a great glass object that looks like a flask. As I think, the flask fills with a dark swirling smoke, and I feel tense, worried, like I'm doing something wrong. And then I think about Hermione, and the flask empties, and fills with butterflies-"

"Butterflies?" she interrupted, sounding incredulous.

"I thought it was weird, too, even in my dream. I thought, why butterflies? I never think of those. But they were fluttering, and a golden and red color. Very beautiful, and watching them made me feel peaceful. I thought the same thoughts I had been, and the smoke filled again. I thought about Hermione, and the butterflies, and peaceful feeling, came back. Then I woke up."

"It's too descriptive to be just a dream." she mused. I nodded, my mouth too full to answer her. "Do you think you'll act on it?"

I swallowed. "Aside from my goal to change my attitude for a more friendly demeanor to as many people as I see fit, no."

"You haven't thought about just telling her how you feel?"

I shook my head. "Not yet, and I recognize that look on your face, Molly. I know you care about her. And about me. But the other day we were outside, under trees, telling each other secrets that before had been only known by ourselves, and I could barely bring myself to sit next to her. I'm not ready, and I'm willing to admit that."

She waved her hands. "I think you're being overly dramatic. Besides, I know the girl. I'm pretty sure she fancies you."

"Then she will still be fancying me the day I find out for certain." Her sigh made me put down my food. "Molly, I've got to do this my way."

"Yes, well, I understand but I wish you'd give a little." She rose, pushing herself up from the side of the desk. I remained seated, trying to ignore her searching look. "You don't have a lot of time to mull over this, you know. End of term is the end of the month."

"I know." I said quietly.

She didn't say anything at first, then she turned. "Mr. and Mrs. Granger will be here in two weeks, along with everyone else for Hermione's party."

I nodded. "Thank you for arranging all of this."

"Well it's partially my fault she thought she was having one, and I happen to like that sort of thing anyway." She turned to give me one last look as she left the room. "If you were my son, I'd have slapped some sense into you about this girl weeks ago, but you're not, so I can't. I know you'll do what you think is best, but still. You watch yourself with her, Severus Snape, or I'll send my daughter after you again."

She closed the door. I stared at it, stunned. Then I rubbed my forehead, feeling like I had no one to blame for all this but myself.

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