Chapter 1: Kill Thyself
Life… Life is cruel
I’ve always thought that it was cruel. It was always masked in an annoying cloud of gray, making everything surrounding me sullen and dull, all the time.
Why live, when you’re just going to die anyways? It’s a question I’ve asked myself a lot.
I’ve never really understood the meaning of life. I’ve always wondered why people got up every morning, the reason why people felt the need to keep going. “I don’t give a shit about life,” is what I’ve always told myself, and I’ve lived with that thought spiraling in my mind.
Everyone hates me, even my own mother. I don’t know why. Maybe I’m just that much of a disappointment.
I don’t know how to live anymore. I only know how to die.
But sometimes I think to myself, do I need someone to care for me? Do I really need them to complete me?
Life is boring and meaningless. What could one person do to fix that?
And day by day… I’ve been living the same damn thing, over and over again...
Ever since I lost Yol Sang Kim.
I took pills to try to calm and heal myself, but it’s been a year since then. It changed my life for a short time, before I fell back into a depression. I don’t know how I haven’t died yet.
It was depressing, remembering every bit of her moments with me... Her smiles, her laughs, and her love for me all echo throughout my mind and never seem to stop.
I miss her so much.
I was so happy then. I didn’t need pills, I only needed her, and that was enough.
Then… She left.
The pills I took every day did help, and I was happy… Then… Till then…
I blinked, and a warm liquid flowed down my pale cheeks as my throat tightened. I quickly wiped it and sat up in my bed. My eyes latched onto the picture frame where she was smiling her brightest smile. I picked it up and brought it closer to get a better look. I stared at her, my chest tightening with each breath I tried to breathe.
When I couldn’t take the pain anymore, I set it down and walked out of my room. I rushed down the stairs and opened the garage door. I grabbed my car keys before hopping in my car and driving away as fast as I possibly could, as I usually did to get away from this crappy world that I lived in.
I stopped my car at the bridge. We always spent our nights here, admiring the calm black river from afar. This is where I recalled every memory we shared together, while staring at the dark abyss.
I’m so depressed that I want to kill myself. I want to get rid of this regret, this pain that’s eating me from the inside out.
The only thing I love is when…
When I feel like I’m drowning.
I love it when pain strikes me.
Why did I take the pills if I wanted to feel pain? Maybe there was a part of me that knew it wasn’t right.
I wanted to suffer like the way she suffered before the claws of death suffocated her and took her away.
There was nothing else to say. I wanted to drown. I had death sitting right beside me, all I had to do was take the leap.
I nodded my head, staring at the dark river ahead, as I listened to the crash of the waves. I was ready to do it.
But… what if she’s still alive?
Will she stop me from doing it?
Will she be here to tell me that everything’s fine?
I guess it won’t happen, because she’s gone. I walked toward the railing.
I guess I just have to surrender and let death take me, too. I look down at the abyss, and shut my eyes.
I want to see you.
Water, air, land- these are the elements I wanted to feel, and I did. It felt surreal.
I hoped this wasn’t a dream. I wanted to feel the pain, just once more.
I forcefully closed my eyes as I sunk into the water, allowing the abyss to pull me down as my lungs slowly ran out of air.
Then, the darkness came. It was silent… dark… cold… frightening…
Questions and questions began to flow into my mind, but I had no answers...
“Why am I hesitating?”
“Do I really want this?”
“What am I risking this for?”
“Will this fix me?”
“Will I be free if I do this?”
“Is this what I really want?”
Ever since my brother died from overdose, I’ve been quite aware of the people around me. You never know who might go and when, that’s what I’ve learned.
This is my last year in college, and I’ve been noticing some students that take pills and drugs. I don’t know how, but my friend says that it makes them happy.
How could a little pill make you happy? It’s only a pill.
I really can’t understand them.
I took my keys and drove to the bridge. I stepped out of my car as I inhaled the scent of the misty, cold weather in combination with the river below. I walked up to the railing and stared down at the river. I’ve always loved this calming silence, the only thing able to be heard being the sound of my breathing and the crashing river beneath me.
It was completely dark, and I couldn’t see anything below. I dozed off as I took in the peaceful setting surrounding me.
I saw a guy walk up to the railing a few meters away. He looked around my age, and his eyes were swollen with dark circles underneath them. His dark black raven hair flew freely in the light breeze. Everything about his features were soft.
He looked like he was taking drugs or pills- that was the first thing I noticed as I observed him, looking down at the river.
He probably likes this calming place, too, I thought as a small smile formed on my face.
I redirected my attention back to the river as well. I closed my eyes and let the breeze tussle my hair, as I took in the calming environment wants again.
It’s been so long since I’ve felt like this. After my rough and dark past, nature is enveloping me in its comfort and serenity. I just want all of this to stay here forever, and I want my past to disappear.
But it still hurts.
No pill or person can take all the pain I’ve experienced away…
I was jolted out of my thoughts when a loud crash emitted from the water below. I opened my eyes, and looked toward where the sound came from.
And I saw him…
In the water…
“What is he thinking?!” I shouted in horror as I ran to grab my phone from my car. I swung open the door and grabbed my phone, frantically dialing 911. When a click sounded on the other end, a voice spoke through the phone.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Help! There’s someone drowning by the bridge. I don’t know why, but he just jumped straight into the river! He must have a problem, a big one, and is trying to kill himself. Please come here quickly.” I gave them the address.
“Okay, we’ll be there in 10 minutes.” They ended the call.
“Ten minutes?!” I screamed at the phone, infuriated. How the hell is he supposed to survive underwater for 10 minutes! He’ll be dead by the time they come.
I rushed to the bridge and looked for his figure. Once I found him, I put my phone inside my blazer and took it off. I can’t believe I’m doing this, I thought.
I jumped in, and the heavy water tugged down on my body. I forced myself to stay upright as I searched for his figure. I swam towards him and grasped his arms, swimming towards any light I could find.
(Min Jinu’s P.O.V)
Death was slowly coming to take ahold of me, however my senses were still functioning. I tried to breathe but only water could fill my lungs as I began to choke.
I felt it.
The pain, all the suffering she felt. I finally felt it.
It hurts… so much.
I felt something warm inside me, and my heart began to beat faster. A hand took my arm, and I started to float up against the strong current. I tried to open my eyes, but it hurt too much.
I felt a strong feeling, a feeling that was pulling me further and further up towards the surface and the light. I hated this feeling, I hated it because it reminded me of her.
The feeling of love.
I swam upwards and caught my breath, as air was able to fill my lungs. I held him close as I kept swimming.
This guy was such a pain. How dumb do you have to be to jump off a bridge? What if I wasn’t there? He would’ve been a reported suicide.
I dragged him to the closest surface, and shook him awake.
“Ajussi,” I called out. I patted his pale face, and he soon opened his eyes. He coughed out the contents that clogged his airway.
(Min Juni’s P.O.V)
“Ajussi?” I repeated in a questioning tone. My voice was raspy from drowning.
Ambulance sirens sounded, and a car rolled up onto the bridge. The loud and annoying sound bothered me.
But then I stared into her dazzling brown eyes, as she stared into my weary, sunken ones.
I hated this feeling. It reminded me of Yol Sang Kim.
She was my everything…