Chapter 4: Dreaming
“All the things my body once did by itself, it does now only by special order ... A single moment of inattention and I forget to breathe”.
Chapter 4 | Dreaming
“Don’t let go!” A faint scream, filled my ears, at first I thought my body was floating in the air but in no time. My whole body just felt unbearably heavy, so I couldn’t even open my eyes. I couldn’t even swallow or breathe. Amidst the pain and thirst that I couldn’t pinpoint, I opened my eyes involuntarily. I could see something flickering beyond my range of vision, with my eyes feeling like they were full of sand. I thought it was a light, but it wasn’t. After I looked at it for a while, its form gradually became more clear. It was the moon. I tried to cough so that I could breathe, but I couldn’t move.
Then I felt a chill. I was scared. I moved my lips but no words came out. Even though my eyes weren’t closed, everything was getting dark. In my fading consciousness, someone spoke to me. “Promise me you will live happily.” I was losing consciousness and my surroundings gradually became dim. Everything went silent, as So-jung opened his eyes to meet florescent lights that hang above the white painted ceiling. He tilted his head to meet his mother sleeping next to him.
The reminiscent of his father’s death came to his mind. He watches his mother cries at night when So-jung’s father dies, it’s the curse. He closed his eyes as he breathes in the oxygen he needed as a tear drops his eyes leaving the pillow wet as he started to whimper waking his mother. “H-honey what’s wrong?” His mother asked worried voice that made him regret all that he has done to his mother. All the things, yelling at her, leaving her at night, not bothering to talk to her, it’s all coming back and he regret all those moments when he tried to push her mother away, unfortunately this time he couldn’t and after all that he has done, his mother is still there to look out for him. “Eomma, mianhae!” He whines, his mother stood up to wipes his excess tear that continuously flow. “You have been forgiven a long time So-jung.”
It made him cry more, he sits up to give his mother a hug. “I love you, Eomma.” He said as he cried. It’s true, a mother’s love is unconditionally. “Nado, So-jung, nado.” His mother pats his back as he calms down. He lay back down while his mother prepares his breakfast, rummaging things, So-jung stared at his mother with a smile. Abruptly the door flung open a huge smile form on his cousin’s frowning face when he saw So-jung awake. He run towards his hyung and cried. “Yah! Why are you crying?” So-jung asked in concern. “I thought you were going to die.” So-jung smiled and pinched his cousin’s ear. “I won’t die you idiot.” So-jung said while his cousin whines in pain. “Okay boys, stop that. Your hyung will eat his breakfast.” So-jung’s mother commands while Jeongin and his friends sat at the corner.
As minutes turned to hours, So-jung rest on his bed while the others left. So-jung’s mother had to stay to watch his son. Jeongin offered that he’ll be an exchange for So-jung’s mother after twelve hours. The night was silent, dark, cold and eerie. That scenario made So-jung sleep peacefully, and occasionally he started dreaming. “So-jung-ah~” a small voice was repeatedly heard. Images started overlapping, his blonde mopped hair, bouncy and smooth, his small figure out of the big picture itself, the angelic laugh, cheerful smiles, and suddenly the images started to crumple like papers, dark scenes started overlapping upon the beautiful images.
The color of the sky turned grey, the weather got colder, the smiled turned to frowns, the sweet angelic laughter turned to yells and shouting. Words that are heart felt. “I hate you!” “Leave me alone” “You know why” “Don’t let go!” “Promise me you will live happily” “I will find you” “It’s for your own sake” “I will treasure these memories” “I’m sorry So-jung-ah” “Stay with me So-jung-ah.” It was like I’m in a movie where everything is black and white, where the audio isn’t clear, where the screen is dim and old. Suddenly everything went black. It was eerie...“So-jung?” He flicked his eyes open, brown puffed eyes with little strides of blonde hair cover most of his forehead look upon his. He blinked twice rubbing his eyes, as he opened his eyes once again it was his mother’s concerned eyes.
“What happened?” He asked in a low hoarse voice. “You were all sweating and breathing heavily.” his mother replied with concern look in her eyes. “W-were you dreaming again? That same dream?” His mother asked. So-jung nodded. It has been years ever since Chin-hae left and every night he had these dreams, and what’s more unusual it’s always the same dream. His mother looked at him with concern. “You have to let go of the past, So-jung.” His mother said with a sly smile and a hint of worry in her eyes.
Momentarily he was released to the hospital and got home safely with the assistance of his cousin. As soon as he got in the house everyone was happy, no sadness occurred that time. However So-jung still felt empty. He will never let go of the past, he will wait for Chin-hae to come back and be the one to tell him that he needs to let it go. He loved Chin-hae, he misses every little thing about him. His soft mopped blonde hair against his skin, the smell of his skin and clothes, the taste of his mouth, and the lusty look Chin-hae make. He misses everything about Chin-hae.
But none of that is possible, it’s been over five years since Chin-hae left him, dumbfounded by the words he used to hypnotize So-jung. “Hyung, gwenchanayo?” Hanseok asked his hyung. So-jung smiled at the boy and his only response was a single nod but that didn’t work for the young one. “Are you sure hyung?” The younger asked once again. So-jung sighed glancing at the younger as he diverted his gaze to his fidgeting hands. He didn’t want to breakdown in front of his dongsaengs.
He takes a deep breath. “Ne, hyung gwenchana.” So-jung replied patting his dongsaeng’s hair with a smile. So-jung smiled as his dongsaeng got called by his mother, he stood under the scorching sun as he smiled as he breathes the warm air as he focuses on the sound of the waves that oceans make. “I will wait for you.” So-jung whispered under his breath looking to the horizon.