Tuesday 14th March 2006
The world was a steady stream of black.
I stood immersed in it all and it was suffocating. The words they spoke and sang hit me deep in my heart, and though the loss was different for my parents, this felt so much worse. Because this time, I not only had I lost a mentor, but my best friend.
No one had seen Seth for four days. I rung his house everyday multiple times, but all that came up was an automated message from Sue Clearwater explaining they were busy preparing for the funeral of her husband.
School had been rough. My friend, Gina, and Brady and Collin were all dubious to what was going on. It was awful not knowing. It killed me every time I looked at the space next to me where Seth sat. There were no words to how lost I felt without him. Just to hear his voice- even over the phone- would ease my troubled mind.
The sobs choked me as I leaned into my grandpa's side, and he wrapped a sturdy arm around me. Logan was quiet on my other side, his hands folded in front of him, his fair head bowed to the grave.
Because Harry Clearwater was one of the best people in the world, he had chosen to follow his grandfather and be buried in the Forks graveyard. Of course, the elders weren't so happy about that, but it was his final will and they couldn't say anything against it. Seth's great grandfather's grave had bright daises upon it and I looked to them sadly. Seth hadn't put them there. His mother had this morning. My throat tightened with a familiar anxiety and I felt as if I was going to collapse.
"I'm Seth, by the way."
I looked to him, seeing he was already gazing at me with his friendly brown eyes. I brought out my hand.
"Hi Seth. I'm Evelyn."
The silver disk shone in the grey afternoon light, showing the name of Harry Clearwater in curving letters. When I remembered all he had done for me the tears kept coming up. He had gotten me into the Tribal School and always believed the relationship between me and Seth was special. He was now gone, with my parents in some place else.
I liked to think that he and them would be friends. When I tried to imagine my parents now, they would be holding hands and standing next to me. Sometimes, when the loneliness got too much, I would come here to this graveyard. I didn't have any flowers or anything, and I rarely told anyone where I was going, but that didn't matter. My parents' earthly bodies were in this soil. The lifeforms I knew so well for twelve years were planted here like greenery.
They now had proper headstones. They were light grey, both curved with a plant pot between them. Their names, so delicately carved, were on the surface of the stone. On my mothers, there was a carved violet, and on my fathers, a tree. I had made sure they were like that. When my father was alive, he had always wanted to be outside. He worked a desk job- the only job he could get- and when he got home, he would always be so tired. But he loved trees. He loved how each of them was unique and curved, the branches splayed out like a peacock's feathers.
I still missed them. I would always miss them.
But I would never forget them.
Like I wouldn't forget Harry. He had been a stepping stone for me and I wanted to make him proud.
But still. I gently touched the temporary head stone while everyone went for refreshments. Tears sprung in my eyes and anger rose in me for Seth. Where the hell are you?
"Thank you." I whispered tenderly. "I'll miss you Harry. You reminded me of my dad in so many ways." I sniffed, the tears dripping from my eyes. "A-and I'll miss your fish pie."
I let out a shuddered breath and stood, smoothing out my dark grey dress and rubbing my right eye.
When I turned, my eyes instantly went to the bench. The figure was familiar, but different. How is that even possible? My throat tightened again and I fisted my hands, moving forward and onto the stony path, my eyes boring into his back.
Then, something caught me off guard. My eyes widened when I realised.
"You cut your hair?" I whispered out loud. I didn't mean to say it. I wanted to yell at him and punch him. He turned, looking surprised to see me. His hair was short now, showing off the sharp corners of his jaw and his neck. He looked so much more defined and muscled, but still lanky in a way. Tears burst in my eyes again and I turned around, not wanting to see him. The tree's swayed in the wind, the corners of houses just about visible over the stone wall. The path moved through the graves to the gate on my left. Since it was March, there were no flowers out- just daisies in the grass. It made me pine for spring, and for the violets.
I could feel his eyes on my back and I wiped my tears away with the back of my hand. My hands were shaking and so I forced them into fists again. Summoning all of my courage, I turned sharply and jumped to see he was standing close to me.
Tears were in his molten brown eyes and he looked down, away from my threatening gaze.
"I-I'm sorry Eve-"
"Where did you go Seth?" I asked quietly.
He glanced up to me and sighed. "I missed you Evelyn."
I sighed too and hugged him quickly. He, however, wrapped his large arms around me, pulling me tightly to his chest. He was so warm- almost as if he was ill. Maybe that was it. Maybe...
But that didn't mean he couldn't pick up the phone or answer the door. We could've had this hug days ago if he just let me in.
Also, his smell was amazing, just like the forest and the sea. He was wearing very casual clothes, not at all suitable for a funeral. I tried very hard to not be lulled into him and so I forced myself away. Man, he was strong. I only got away because he let go of me.
"I'm sorry too, Seth." I told him without looking at him in the eye. I glanced to his father's grave, tears welling up in my eyes again. "But what happened?" I whispered, looking up to him. He was so different.
It felt like... he wasn't my Seth.
"I'm still here Eve," he placed his hands on my arms. "I'm still here... It's still me."
I swallowed, gazing into his eyes which looked terrified. "This changes things." I murmured, my eyes flickering. "It... won't be the same any more." A sob attached to my throat but I willed it away. I loosened his grip on me and took a step back. I didn't meet his gaze. "I'm going home."
I looked to him. "Seth."
"Please don't leave." He brought out a packet of Twizzlers, holding them out to me. "Please Eve, don't go."
Tears pricked in my eyes. It was too painful to see him like this. I began to run, passing my parent's graves, moving to the gate, stopping and glancing around. He was on the bench, his head in his hands, his body gently quivering.
It felt as if the world was fading. I tried to remember the Seth I knew, and though I was looking at him, it was as if I wasn't. It was like he was a ghost.
I couldn't take it.
Sprinting into the forest, I shredded my human form, morphing painfully into a beast of the night. I tore through the greenery, my paws digging into the earth, the words of my pack stinging in my ears as I ran.
"It... won't be the same any more."
I had fooled myself to think that everything would be alright if Evelyn was here. The distance between us was unbearable- it was surprising, how much her words cut me. I just wanted to screw my eyes shut and hold my breath until I became dizzy. It was an unspoken rule that we should always be near each other, on the other end of the phone, able to contact each other any time.
Now she was gone. I saw it switch off in her eyes, just like a candle blowing out. She had given me the same look three years ago when I met her on the bench. The sadness was like water moving around her, keeping her submerged and not letting her breathe life in.
Seth! My sister's voice cut through and I looked up, realising I was overlooking the sea, the cliff crumbling away under my large paws. Unsettled, I took a few steps back, but not far enough to put me out of danger.
Jesus Seth, you scared the crap out of us. Jacob murmured behind me. I glanced around, seeing the whole pack standing under the fern of trees.
What?! What is it you want? I yelled at them.
Sam rose out of the undergrowth and I cowered instantly. He growled.
Calm yourself Seth. Sam warned.
But you don't understand. I whimpered, trying to forget her scream in the nightmares I had. She's gone... She's really gone...
Not yet. Said Sam. He turned to the others. Be off with you! Back to guarding the border.
They all left hurriedly, apart from Leah, who's dark eyes held onto mine before walking smoothly away. I let out a wolfish sigh, beginning to pad back onto stable land.
I'm sorry. I told Sam, who was walking ahead of me. He huffed.
I know you are Seth. You're a good kid, a good kid who has had some bad times. Right?
I shrugged. Everyone has bad times.
We're wolves though. We just happen to have a lot more crap than most people.
Amen. I sighed, looking to him. I'm sorry Sam. I didn't mean to scare the pack.
His eyes softened. It's alright. Now, go on. To the tribal border.
I nodded and began to run, thinking of how kind Sam was most of the time... but he had devoured a deer right in front of Eve and plagued my nightmares. He was the symbol for our pack, the heart of it, throwing out orders and keeping the tribe safe. The nightmares were just to show me that Sam was above me- that he could destroy me without a second thought.
It seemed like the nightmares were a shared thing.