Wednesday 15th March 2006
In the early waking hours I dragged myself out of bed, tying the laces of my boots and grabbing my coat. I hadn't slept very well- unsurprisingly. The image of him was circling around and around in my head, making me speechless with sadness.
I missed him. I mean, of course I would, but this time it felt like I had lost him.
And so I began my trek to the only place where I could really think. The graveyard. I wanted to confront my parents, ask for their forgiveness to my cowardice. I knew I couldn't see or hear them, but every time the wind billowed through the trees it felt as if they were trying to communicate with me.
Maybe I was crazy. It wouldn't be the first time.
I moved on the edge of the road like a homeless person, hunched in on myself, my hands taut on my satchel. The weather was the usual- grey and damp. The dew clung to the greenery and air, moistening my skin and fluffing my blonde hair- which I wore under a beanie. I sniffed, feeling a cold attach to me as I walked.
Eventually, I abandoned the road because it lead to the highway. I hiked through the forest, the world around me a stark reminder of what I had lost. I was all alone in the cold, the sky above me dark grey, rain threatening. I was a human in an animal world, though I felt as if I associated with the wildlife better than with my own kind.
Reaching the graveyard finally, I opened the gate cautiously and moved my way in. The flowers were still upon Harry and his granddad's grave, along with my parents, which my brother and I had placed there before the funeral. They were primroses and daffodils, droplets of water dripping off the petals.
I nodded gently to Harry and continued to my parents. I knew the ground was wet but I didn't care. I knelt by them, my dark green jeans getting damp instantly.
For a moment, I just stared at the headstones, remembering us dancing in the living room together, the fifties music blaring on the old stereo. Our laughter vibrated the windowpanes and the pictures, which showed baby Logan and me, my dad with Logan on his shoulders and holding my hand, my mom and I standing on the beach barefooted, the hems of our summer dresses wet from us running in and out. She was so young- just as my grandma had said. Some people had asked if she was my older sister when I was an infant and I hadn't been embarrassed to point out to them proudly that she was in fact my mom.
"Hi, dad," I gently touched the flowers by his headstone, "mom," I did the same for her. I let out a shaky sigh. "I don't know if you saw what happened yesterday at Harry's funeral, but I wanted to ask for your forgiveness. I didn't mean to be nasty to Seth- though I realised it might have come off that way. But he looked so different, did you see? I-I don't know what to do," I sobbed, rubbing my eyes. I sniffed. "I don't know what to do! He's so important to me and it's like he's disappearing right before me. What do I do? What should I do?" I bit my lip, my hands attaching together in a prayer. I don't know if I believed in any God, but I wanted to believe in a heaven and that my parents and Harry were there right now, looking down on me.
I closed my eyes. "Please, help me. I want to be with Seth, mom, but I don't know how. He scares me. I- I love him so much." I sobbed hard, my head falling into my hands, my cries barely audible to the world.
I knelt there for what seemed a very long time, praying for an answer. It felt like they were in my grasp- like I could just reach out and hold my parents, cry with them, tell them about Seth and all the wonderful friends I had made.
And yet they were so far away. I sniffed, running my nose on my coat sleeve and standing blearily. I smoothed my hand over both of their headstones, my throat tight, my eyes stinging from tears. I hated crying- especially in front of Seth- and tried to avoid it. I sighed, my shoulders slumping and picked two daisies, placing them on top of the stones, bare to the elements.
I began to walk away with a lump in my throat, feeling as if eyes were watching me from every direction. It was as if I was lost- lost within myself, distant as the moon. I remembered Seth shaking on the bench yesterday and my heart ached even more.
My eyes were glassy as I meaninglessly meandered my way beside the road. I gently held my hand out to run across the ferns, the wetness clinging to my fingers. I saw nothing but the green and grey. Time felt very soft, moving slowly as I walked. I didn't know where I was going. Nothing had a purpose any more. I was all alone, the love gone, no way out.
It was getting darker as I began to walk through the forest again, creating maps in my mind, pretending this was a world of dark and beasts were hunting me in the shadows. My legs ached but I didn't care. The loneliness was unbearable. It harked back to the week my parents died. Logan was gone, delirious to life, my grandparents seeing lawyers and planning the funeral. I had sat in my old room, gazing out the window, the tears making paths down my cheeks like they were now.
I'd give anything to see Seth grin at me again.
I stopped, my heart beating faster.
Yes. I'd give anything.
"I-I love him so much."
I choked, my hand flying to my mouth as I took in my surroundings, the veil fading away. The sky above me was very dark, and I had no idea where I was. My stomach suddenly growled and I bit my lip, tears coming into my eyes again.
I began to run, my feet slipping on the wet, muddy ground, my heart thumping like mad. Seth! I screamed in my mind. Seth, nothing matters any more- nothing but us. I know you're still there. I won't give up on you!
Suddenly, my feet slipped and I fell down a bank which I didn't know existed and I screamed as I crashed onto a boulder.
A dark wave rushed over me, pulling me under.