Saturday 18th March 2006
It felt odd to be in my room again.
Like I hadn't thought it would still exist for me, that my primrose yellow sheets wouldn't be crisp, the books on my shelves wouldn't be standing neatly, my window seat not holding my old stuffed animals.
I huffed as I sat down, a small bag carrying the cards and bear in my good hand. My room smelt fresh and was cold, feeling as if it belonged to another girl and not me. I had changed. Something was different in my heart and I felt like I had lived a hundred lives... though I was still here, in this body.
Seth had to go somewhere. I didn't know where, and I knew he couldn't tell me. It hurt me, to say the least, because he had changed too. Parts of the happy, bubbly Seth I knew were gone. I wanted to comfort him in the loss of his father but he was never around. He didn't bring it up. He was always asking about me, keeping me above him.
It wasn't right. I wanted to amend things instead of making them worse. My ordeal with losing my memory had left a scar on me. I never wanted to forget again. I had to make things right. I had to understand, though it was hard to.
Seth was with other people now. I just had to make sure I was still there, that person he could always run and talk to. To be the arms he could cry in.
And, part of me wanted him to be there to stroke the tears out of my eyes, too.
But, for now, I was lonely again. Not as lonely as I was in the hospital, but lonely enough to pine for company. I spent time watching Logan trying to beat a level on his gaming console, laughing when he failed at the boss and silently remarking how Seth could do it in a heart beat. My brother was really a man now, not something awkward and in-between, but grown and defined, a five o'clock shadow under his jaw, his hair a darker blonde these days. He was happier. He loved his job and spent time with friends, taking road trips to the Canadian border and to California. He wasn't that afraid boy like all those years ago. Though he still saw Dr Eathom sometimes, he was basically on his own now.
He sighed heavily after his umpteenth attempt, throwing the controller onto the coffee table and sitting back. He lolled his head over to me, giving me a tired grin.
"How are you feeling?"
"Fab." I mumbled, giving him a smile.
"So, where's Seth these days, huh?" He turned the TV box on and began flicking through the channels.
"Busy." I shrugged, an uncomfortable spite hitting me. Was it jealously? I don't know. I just missed him. "Things are different now."
"I can see that." Logan let out a laugh, settling on Extreme Makeover. "He really does care about you though. Man, that kid is like a hurricane. Leaves you completely unsettled."
"His impact is immense, for sure." I said quietly. Logan smiled sadly, looking to me.
"It'll be alright in the end." He sighed heavily, "if it's not alright, then it's not the end." He winked and wrapped an arm around me, leaving the conversation at that.
Monday 20th March 2006
I ran down the stairs, my heart pumping fast as I opened the front door. Seth grinned at me, his eyes lighting up as he came in, a large folder in his hands. Hopping from foot to foot I grinned at him too as he shut the door behind him.
"Hi." I beamed. He chuckled, taking his backpack off.
"Hello... aren't you a bit jumpy today?" He questioned. I sighed deeply, happy he was finally here. He dropped his things and hugged me tightly, placing his chin on top of my head. Breathing in his scent, I smiled to myself, closing my eyes. I was now complete with him here, and though many questions filled me, I let them go. He was now here, holding me. Anything else didn't matter to me.
We sat in the living room together, him helping me with my homework he brought back for me. I was still a little wary in my mind, like I was away with the fairies, and Seth kept chuckling when I couldn't do simple maths problems. I narrowed my eyes at him every time and he shut up, quickly helping me. Before long we were done and watching TV together, him telling me about what was happening at school.
"Didn't have to catch up on much." He murmured. "Luckily Gina helped."
"How is she? I haven't talked to her in a while." I said, pulling up my legs and resting back my head.
"She said she'll call you today. But she's fine. Worried about you." He smiled at me.
"What about Brady and Collin?"
His smile vanished. "Er... I didn't talk to them."
He shook his head, looking back to the television. "Just didn't."
I saw a flicker of the Seth I didn't know and I mentally sighed. I pulled myself closer to him, giving him some of my blanket. He smiled tiredly, wrapping an arm around me, keeping me warm.
Feasting upon roast vegetable soup and home made bread, I kicked my legs under the table, listening to my grandpa talk to Seth. I had told him last night that I didn't want to make Seth uncomfortable in any way. Any questions about his hair, gain in muscle and height or his disappearance were out of the question.
My grandma had been to a friends most of the day and had driven to my brother's work to pick him up. So, it was just me, Seth and my grandpa. Seth had seemed to relax a lot, and I knew he was more comfortable around my grandpa. It wasn't that he didn't like my grandma. She was just a bit more... sturdy, like a rock, no nonsense. I remember being a little scared of her as a young child.
After dinner Seth had to go. It was earlier than I was used to and so I followed him disheartened to the front door. He opened it, pulling his backpack onto his shoulder and turning around to me. He sighed, seeing my expression.
"Chin up lass." He smiled sadly, reaching over to hug me. I embraced him tightly, hardly daring to let go, almost hurting my wrist. But he had to let go and I watched him leave, walking home through the darkness. He promised me he'd be safe and keep to the roads. I had a feeling he wasn't being truthful.
Gina called a little while later. She was her usual bubbly self- making me smile though I felt like crying. She was a little geeky- like me, honestly- with mounds of curly black hair and sparkling brown eyes. She was more confident than me, but not overly confident, and I knew she had been friends with Seth before I came along.
"How are Brady and Collin?" I asked her while sitting on the stairs, a quilt around me.
"Miffed." She replied with a sigh. "They tried to talk to Seth but he blatantly ignored them. Said he had to 'do stuff', and, well, we all thought that 'stuff' was... er, you know," she sniffed loudly, deliberately, on the other end of the line.
"Seth is not a drug addict." I told her.
She laughed. "But his muscles! Mmm! He has got to be on steroids like the other guys."
I rolled my eyes. "I don't believe that."
"Yeah, so that's that basically. You're coming back soon, right?" She asked hopefully. "We'll break down without you. I know Seth will. He looked at your chair longingly all day..."
"Shut up." I smiled a little. "You know it's not like that."
I could almost see her rolling her eyes. "Yeah, okay. You come back soon, alright? I'm coming over there to kick your ass if you don't."
"I'll be back soon. I promise."
I retreated to my room, huddling under my blankets in the darkness, the curtains drawn back so the moonlight could come through. Despite talking to Gina, I felt so desperate, so entirely alone. Seth meant so much to me. He had saved me once. Now he was falling through my hands like sand, like I had been falling. It would only be a matter of time until he was completely gone.
Thursday 24th March 2006
Breathing in the fresh air, I climbed out of the car, walking with Logan down to the ocean. I wrapped my arms around myself, the breeze cold and brittle against me. The sea was a dark, swelling form before me, the foam frothing up on the grey sand. I blinked in the white light, my brother coming to stand next to me, his hands on his hips. I gingerly lifted my arm which was still in it's cast, a sling helping me carry it's weight and keeping it out of the way.
Logan let out a sigh and we were quiet, beginning to walk up the sand and to the multicoloured pebbles and driftwood. I had begun to feel slightly claustrophobic in the house, and luckily Logan had the day off today and we had decided to go to the beach together. I enjoyed his company. I got so little of it these days.
We sat by the driftwood tree, watching the waves move quietly, the small islands standing amidst large shards of rocks. Far out to sea I spotted a fishing boat, dipping gently beneath the waves.
"I have to tell you something." Logan said abruptly. I looked to him, seeing he was paler, his eyes wide. I narrowed my eyes.
"What is it?"
"I was going to tell you weeks ago, but so much has happened... but I have to tell you now."
"What is it?" I asked cautiously.
He swallowed, looking at me straight in the eye. "I'm moving out." A smile lit his face.
My lips parted with surprise, my heart galloping. No... not Logan too. I felt tears burn in my eyes but I pushed them away, smiling and jumping up to hug him. "Wow, t-that's great Logan!"
"Yeah?" He pulled back to look at me.
I smiled, rubbing my eyes. "Yes, of course!"
"I was going to look at apartments in Port Angeles today. That's why I got the day off."
"Oh," I punched him lightly on the arm. "That's why."
He grinned. "I figured I'd pile up some money and then start to go for some cooking courses in Seattle..."
"Whoa! That's brilliant Logan. You've got it together." I smiled, though I was suffocating inside. "Much more than I have."
"What? I thought-"
I shook my head as we began to meander back up the beach. "I have no idea what I want to do."
"What do you like? Reading, writing, the outside-"
I shrugged as I hugged myself. "I don't know... I don't have any aspirations any more. It feels like... like I'm losing myself in some ways."
"Evelyn... are you sure you're okay with this?"
"Of course." I told him, assuring him with a smile. "You do what you have to do, Logan. I trust you."
"But do you trust yourself?"
I narrowed my eyes, not understanding at first and looking to the horizon. But then it sunk in.
"I- I don't think I like myself any more..."
Logan didn't trust himself once. And, if it wasn't for me, he would be in a right state now. I had made him go to the doctor. But what about me? Was I... was I going down the same road he was?
Logan eventually said he'd sit on the beach for a little bit while I continued to walk. It felt like I cried so much these days, but this time, I couldn't stop the tears from coming into my eyes. I let the wind push and batter me as I made my way up the beach.
Knowing that I'd probably get a cold and that Logan would be worrying about me, I stopped on the edge of the cliff, watching the horizon, preparing to turn around. In the corner of my eye I could see a small hut like house- something I had often passed on walks and admired. Trees surrounded it and small, delicate wind chimes hung on the veranda.
As I turned, I looked to it.
It wasn't as far away as I thought. I saw a large truck pull up to it and tanned men all jumped out, hooting and laughing. All of them were shirtless.
And one of them was Seth.
My breath caught- it was so surprising to see him with those people. We had made fun of them only weeks ago. My eyes widened and I gasped audibly to see them laugh loudly with him, and Seth- smiling so happily- said a witty joke and they laughed harder.
The tears didn't stop. They began to go into the little house but Seth looked around, and, suddenly, his eyes met with mine, and his smile vanished.
His eyes widened and he began walking to me.
I bristled and turned, running as fast as I could, remembering a not too dissimilar situation when he had been chasing after me in happiness, catching me as we fell over breathless with laughter, our stomachs aching.
Clutching my mouth as the tears continued to fall, I got to the beach, sprinting past Logan who was looking at me with wide eyes. I almost fell over as I got to the car, slamming the door behind me. Logan got in soon after.
"What the hell-"
"Just go!" I exclaimed, sobs coming loudly from my chest now. I glanced over to see Seth running up the beach. Logan started the car and we pulled away. I looked around, only briefly, to see Seth's arms fall to his sides, his eyes closing in remorse. I bit my quivering lip, turning back around to see Logan looking at me warily. I pulled my legs up to my chest, the tears slowing but still coming. I rested my head on the window, my heart gently breaking, just like petals falling from a rose.