A thousand words
seemed like forever since Alec and Magnus had crossed eyes on the doorframe of
Magnus's loft. None of them had said a word to the other. Raphael looked a bit
awkwardly at his immortal friend, before he moved himself out of the building.
He knew that in this moment, they lost the source of information from the
Magnus's breath was fast and heavy, same as Alec's. Tears were dancing in his cat eyes, when he saw the rage and hurt in the blue eyes of Alec, that he loves so much. He tried to say something, but he felt that the moment he opened his mouth, he would throw up from all those nerves.
Finally, he manned up, and opened his mouth to speak.
"How could you?!" Alec's voice screeched through the entire staircase; Magnus heard so much pain in it, almost as much as in the day young Max died. Alec had been hurt then so badly. "How could you?!"
"Baby…" he tried to come closer to him and grab his hand, but the young boy was having none of it. Alec brutally took a step back and hit the nearest wall with his back. Bane took it as a clear sign to not come closer, and he obeyed, even if his heart was breaking. "Alec…"
"I loved you! And you used me!" he screamed on top of his lungs, through tears. "You used me!"
"I'm not your honey anymore!"
"Alec, please let me explain," he begged. There were so many things that he wanted to say, but Alec was only shook his head. "Please, please Alec."
"You used me! I was only a plaything for you and your fucking Downworlders?! Was it a good laugh for them?!" the boy couldn't stop screaming; it's like he wanted to pour his heart out. He wanted to shout how much Magnus had hurt him. Alas, those words were trapped inside of him. "Was I a joke for you?! Did you have a good time, playing with my heart?!"
"Alec, it isn't like that!"
"You only wanted information from me! I know everything!" he ran a hand through his hair, messing them even more. "You tricked me! You got me to your bed, so I would tell you everything you and your fucking council wanted to know! You made me fall in love with you, to use me!"
"Stop! Stop it! Darling, please…" Magnus finally grabbed Alec's hand in his, but the younger pushed him away so strongly, that the warlock fell to the floor with a loud thud. For a brief moment, Bane could swear that Alec's body moved itself forward, and his face showed a glimpse of concern, but soon it was replaced with rage. The warlock quickly got up, despite the pain in his back, and once again tried to come closer to the boy. And he was surprised, when Alec's hand gripped the blade on his belt. "Alec…please let me explain. It's true, I was bound to seduce a Shadowhunter, it was supposed to be your sister, but you intrigued me the very first night I saw you. I wanted to see you again, so I agreed to this task. Yes, I've been telling them things about the plans of yours, but never have I let use them against you and your family."
Alec breathed hard, through his teeth, glaring the man before him.
"Yes, that is true…I lied to you. But never doubt that I love you. I love you for real, Alexander. I love you…"
"No! You chose me, because I look like some hunter from your past! Will Herondale!"
"I never loved William, not the way I love you," he tried to calm down his trembling voice, but it was filled with too many emotions at the moment, and loud sobs. "I love you! It's real! I love you!"
"No! Stop with those lies!"
"Alec, it's true, I love you. I've never loved anyone before, the way I love you. I love you."
"And I hate you!" those words cut Magnus open, worse than anything he had ever experienced. His legs were wobbly in one second; he had to hold strongly onto the doorframe to not fall to the ground. His heart was about to break into a million pieces and be ripped out of his chest, that was now tightening around the broken organ. His lungs filled with heavy air, making it hard, almost impossible to breathe properly. "I hate you! Hate you so much!"
With that Alec ran downstairs, leaving Magnus with a hole in his heart. The warlock wanted to run after him, but his feet seemed to be glued to the ground.
"I love you Alexander, I love you," he whispered into the empty space before him. "Aku cinta kamu, my darling. Aku cinta kamu."
The air around Alec seemed to try to defeat him, as he ran down the streets of New York. Tears were blinding his vision, making him bump into people.
It was like the worst nightmare of his. Never had he imagined that Magnus, his perfect Magnus, could betray him in such way. His beloved…no! not anymore his, he never was his. For Magnus it was only a game.
'I love you Alexander'
'I love you, darling'
'I love you so much Alec'
Those words spun in Alec's mind, making him feel sick.
LIES! LIES! LIES! His inner voice screamed.
"Watch where you're going, kid," some man told him, when he bumped into him.
"Sorry," he sobbed, and ran ahead, straight to the Institute.
He barged inside the building, and shut down the door with as much force as he had; he did the same with the door of his bedroom, missing the concerned voice of Jonathan.
Inside his bedroom, Alec finally let go of the emotions that had been building up inside of him the moment he found out the truth.
It hurt, like nothing else before. His chest was tightened; heart was pounding, like it wanted to be ripped out of his chest. His phone was ringing nonstop, playing the now hated, bubbly love song, chosen for the warlock.
From Alec's throat escaped a loud scream,followed by heavy sobs. He grabbed the old wooden chair, that stood by his desk, and threw it straight onto the wall; breaking it into pieces. The next thing he grabbed was an old box from under his bed; he kept there reminders of the dates with the warlock, as well as his framed picture.
As if on a cue, the face of Magnus popped in his head; he was smiling, his eyes were sparkling. Then he heard his voice, once again feeding him with nothing more but lies.
'I love you, Darling. I love you Alexander'
"Lies! Lies!" he cried out, throwing the picture on the wall; the glass shattered on the ground; one piece of it cut the picture on Magnus's hair. Alec took the broken frame back to his hands, not minding that the leftovers of the glass were cutting his hands. He looked at the smiling face of Magnus, and started to cry.
He felt like he was in hell, like someone, somewhere was making fun of him right now. He wanted to believe Magnus, that he loves him for real, but whenever he even let himself think of it, he heard in his mind the words of Jonathan.
'He never loved you, it was a game for him. He was bound to seduce you. It was a game'
"Why?!" he roared, sinking down to the floor. The broken frame still in his tight grip; blood from his cut on the hand was dripping onto the wooden floor.
Alec didn't know how long he spent kneeling on the floor, swaying back and forth with tears streaking his cheeks. He felt that his heart was broken in a million pieces inside his chest, making him want to end it.
He would give everything, if he could end this horrible pain.
Without further thinking, he grabbed the nearest sharp piece of glass from the floor, and gripped it tightly in his hand. It was good to feel the physical pain, it eased a bit the one in his heart. Maybe a second or two later, the same piece of glass was now pressed to his wrist.
One small cut…
A second small cut…
It felt marvelous, and Alec would lie if he said that he wanted to stop, even though he knew it was not a good idea.
Then, in an eye blink, his hand was stopped, strong arms were encircling him. The glass was ripped from his hand, and thrown to the floor. A hand was stroking his hair, some other was soothing his back. He was pressed into something warm, and fleshy. Some whispers were around him.
"Oh, Alec, shh, it's ok now. It's ok now, Alec," this voice, it was somehow familiar.
In his hazy state, as the blood was buzzing inside of his body, Alec dared to look up at the person who was embracing him. A pair of black eyes was watching him with concern; a hand from his hair moved to Alec's cheek and wiped the tears.
Alec tried to say something, but his voice was lost in his throat. Jonathan was now embracing him again, swaying back and forth with Alec, trying to calm his trembling body. Lightwood was still in a hazy state, when Jonathan took, very gently, his hand, and pressed the tip of his stele to the cuts.
"It won't hurt. I will be gentle, Alec" he said, with mildness in his normally stoic and firm voice. Alec's blue eyes instinctively followed every move of the stele, as the black lines were created. Soon, Alec felt the burning feeling on his wrist as the cuts cicatrized themselves. Afterwards, Jonathan caressed Alec's wrist.
On one hand it was strange, but on the other very comforting; and Alec desired every comfort he could get now.
"I will kill Bane, for what he has done to you," Morgenstern said, taking Alec's hand in his and holding it tight in a grip. "He should be punished."
"You were right…" the blue eyed boy whispered. "He used me."
"I know, I know," he smiled ghostly, putting his arm around his shoulders, drawing him closer to his body. "And I feel bad, that I was right. But I didn't want you to live in a lie, Alec. You are my friend. Bane should not have lied to you, he should not have used you. You're a good guy. And he's a scum that uses everyone."
"I love him," Alec's voice was breaking with every minute; his body started to shake once again. "It hurts, so much."
"Shh, Alec, shh..." Jonathan tightened his arms around the trembling frame of the black haired boy, pressing his lips to the head of the boy. "He doesn't deserve your tears. It's ok, it's ok. I'm here for you, Alec, I'm here for you."
Alec wasn't sure how long they spent being in this embrace; Lightwood sobbing hard into Jonathan's chest; Morgenstern soothing his back, whispering comforting words in his ear. The feeling was amazing; something that Alec wanted at this moment; something that felt right. Alexander looked up; John's eyes were filled with empathy, his small smile was fitting his now angelic face.
It was purely instinctive: Alec raised his hand, and without thinking pressed his lips to Jonathan's.
For a moment, Morgenstern's eyes were wide open in shock; his lips frozen on Alec's warm ones. When the other boy seemed to realize what he was doing, he was pulling away from John; but just then the black eyed boy kissed him back.
It wasn't any good kiss that Alec was used to; it was sloppy, uncertain, even stiff. And so that is what had Alec woken from this. He brutally pulled away from John, clasping a hand over his mouth in horror. He felt the moment it all got into his mind, that the kiss was wrong; he shouldn't have kissed Jonathan, not like this.
"I'm sorry!" Alec didn't know what more to say. He was a hell of confused when Jonathan smirked, and a small laugh escaped his lips.
"Oh, Alec, you don't have to apologize," Jonathan put his hand on Alec's upper arm, and squeezed it lightly. "Did you enjoy it?"
Lightwood could easily feel the blush, creeping on his cheeks; burning red.
Morgenstern's hand moved itself even more up, to Alec's shoulder, then his neck; leaving goosebumps all over his body. From one side, it was exciting; Alec never had any other men try to make a move on him. Only Magnus. And this was the other side; Alec was touched this way only by Magnus, and those touches were saved for him, and him only. At that moment, all of it became uncomfortable for him. And he wouldn't lie if he said that for once his brother and sister had a great timing.
"What's going on here?" Jace's golden eyes, and Isabelle's brown ones, were looking with confusion at the two boys. Jonathan still had a hand on Alec's neck, and the said boy was blushing like crazy. Alexander immediately got up, shaking off Jonathan's hand, but he was grabbed the same second by someone else.
"You were crying," Isabelle was piercing him with her chocolate eyes. "What happened?"
"Exactly, what happened?" Jace's eyes were moving around the room, spotting here and there broken glass and remainders of the chair. "And what were you two doing? Alec what will your girlfriend say…"
"Alec's girlfriend, or we should say the truth, his boyfriend, got him in this state," Jonathan replied, getting up from the floor as well. Jace's and Izzy's face was even more confused now. "Do you want me to tell them?" Alec nodded, when tears were running down his cheeks again. "Magnus Bane used Alec. He was bound to seduce a Shadowhunter to gain information for Downworlders; he's been lying to him the entire time and using him. He made him fall in love with him only to use our Alec."
"Son of a bitch!" Jace balled his hands in fists and went to the door. "I'm going to kill him! Painfully kill him!"
"Jace please…" Alec pleaded, grabbing Jace's hand in his. "Please don't…I love him…please…"
"But he hurt you Alec!"
The blonde boy sighed loudly, and nodded with a grimace on his face. He threw his arms around the older shoulders and pressed him tightly to his chest. Isabelle joined her brothers in a hug, kissing Alec's temple and whispering words of comfort to him.
In the background the bubbly ringtone of Alec's phone was heard.
The moment Alec had left his apartment, Magnus's world crumbled down. He felt like someone ripped his heart out, and stepped on it, right in front of him. The hole in his heart was burning worse than the flames of hell. His mind was still repeating the hurt and broken voice of Alec.
'I loved you, and you used me'
'I hate you!'
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he cried out into the darkness, being fully aware that the boy could not hear him. "I'm sorry, my Alexander, I'm sorry."
Unconsciously he reached for his phone, and picked the number he knows by heart. Three slow rings and he heard the voice mail.
'It's Alec Lightwood here. Leave a message'
"Please, Alexander. I swear, I didn't want to hurt you," he sobbed. "Please, you have to believe me. I love you! I haven't lie about…"
Beep, beep, beep
"Stupid phone!" he growled, and called Alec again. "Sweetie, I love you. I haven't lied about this. I love you, so much. Please, call me back. I love you. I lo…"
Beep, beep, beep
He called him nonstop for the next few hours. In the middle of this, he conjured without thinking bottles of alcohol. He devoured them, hoping that it will help him at least a bit. Unfortunately, drinking wasn't helping at all.
"Pl…Please…Alec…I love you" he spoke to the phone. "I love you."
Bottles now surrounded his body, as he sat with his back pressed to the floor in the hallway, phone lying next to him with Alec's name and number showing on the screen. He couldn't stop calling him; he couldn't. He had to explain this to his sweet boy, try to make him understand.
Magnus truly loved Alec, he was sure of it; he understood it lately. His heart was beating like crazy the moment Alec told him he loves him too. And the same heart seemed to stop beating, the moment Alec screamed that he hates him.
He wanted to die, in that very moment.
The warlock couldn't suppress the tears, and screams that came out of his mouth, tears and screams of pain.
Then, his phone rang; Magnus immediately picked it up, without looking at the ID caller.
"Baby, please, let me explain. Alec I love you so much. They made me do it, but I love you for real…I love you…I lov…"
"It's me," the voice didn't belong to his perfect hunter, but it was familiar. "How are you?"
"Like you care," he spat, wiping tears off of his cheeks. "What do you want?"
"De Quincy was found dead in London. Someone, ripped his heart out, and tossed him on the sunlight," Raphael said with a stoic voice. "But that's not the only news. The whole Praetor Lupus was slaughtered last night, we still don't know who did it. The Council gathered an hour ago, to pick the new leader. The Seelie Queen is the new leader, well it was her or Malcolm Fade, but he decided to give her the leadership, and step out of the Council. She's the leader of the Downworld now, Magnus."
"Why should I care?"
"It changes everything, Magnus. I'm not sure how yet, but it changes everything."
"I don't care," the warlock blurted into the phone. "I have my own mess to fix."
With that, he hung up, and picked once again Alec's number.
After countless calls, and bottles of alcohol, Magnus felt that tiredness was consuming him. With the phone pressed to his ear, he fell down to the floor with a loud thud. With the last power left in him, he called again to his beloved boy.
"I love you so much…please…Alec…I love you"
Before his eyes finally closed, and sleep took him over, Magnus had seen, through his bloodshot, blurry eyes a crouching person in front of him. The said person took his phone from his hand, and placed a hand over his neck. He couldn't make the right curves of this person, nor his face; in the paltry light of his apartment, he saw only two dark points, and a smirk. To his ears came small laugh.
"Oh Bane, you just made it so easy for me."