Part Seven: Gilderotic Lockhard
Jade passed by Lark and Sage who were enjoying their cookies and milk. They smiled at Jade who smiled back half heartedly, worried that if Seraphine got mad enough, she'd shoot one of them.
"Ding Dong!" a voice said behind Jade. Jade turned around and saw Jonah standing there with her curly brown hair and a casual jeans and T-shirt.
"Jonah! Hey!" Jade said seeing Jonah grin widely and run towards her to hug her.
"Your arms are all better!" Jonah said seeing Jade nod.
"Magic uses only a few days to heal, so my arms are completely recovered." Jade said, rubbing her arms.
"Wow…that's amazing. I mean, by this point I shouldn't be surprised but your world is wicked!" she said seeing Jade shrug.
"Not really all that bad…your world has cars." Jade said seeing Jonah shake her head.
"You have brooms! I thought that was all fairy tales and scary stories but it's true!" Jonah said.
"Excuse me; may I take this plate back into the house Mummy?" Sage asked with Lark behind her.
"Yes you may. Hey love, remember Jonah? Jonah, we adopted Sage so this is my daughter." Jade said seeing Jonah gasp and ruffle Sage's hair.
"I remember you, feisty little bra slinger." She said.
Sage giggled and Jonah moved away so Sage and Lark could wash their hands.
"So what brings you back in our humble abode?" Jade asked seeing Jonah squeal.
"George told me you were having a little baby!" she said holding Jade's hands.
"We're having three actually. Triplets." Jade nodded.
Jonah gasped and congratulated Jade, hugging her tightly.
"You're joking! That's amazing! Congratulations! Three little babies for me to play with, oh you'll let me be baby sitter wont you?" she asked.
"Maybe if Draco and I decide we need a date night, but what's going on with you? I heard you were getting a little cozy with my cousin?" Jade asked seeing Jonah nod.
"Ever since that night when we were attacked by those vampires, him and I sort of grew close. He's really funny but very sweet at the same time. We got to talk to each other every single day and I sort of cancelled my plane tickets to go back home because I love it here so much. I love being with him…him and his red hair." Jonah said.
"I'm glad you're happy with him." Jade said seeing Jonah nod.
"Also, um…you know that I'm not…well I've never…done it." Jonah said, blushing furiously.
Jade looked puzzled for a few seconds.
"Done what?" Jade asked.
Jonah raised her eyebrows slightly, leaving Jade to figure out.
"Oh! Sex? Yeah your sisters might have mentioned it once or twice." Jade said.
"Those wankers." Jonah said bitterly.
Jade nearly doubled over in laughter hearing Jonah use British slang and Jonah smiled shyly, blushing.
"George uses that a lot when he's mad. It sort of rubbed off on me you know? Anyways, here's the thing. I'm crazy about this man and I know I won't regret him. He's amazing! He's smart, he's funny, he cares so much about me and his Mom makes the most amazing food." She said seeing Jade agree viciously.
"I was thinking of who to talk to about this. I know I can't talk to my sisters; they're not at all romantic like I am so I thought of you. Because you're in a stable relationship with that really hunky blonde guy." She said.
"Hunky blonde guy…Draco…yes." Jade nodded.
"Or that other one, the one with the glasses that would make Rambo look like a bag of flowers." Jonah said.
"Harry?" Jade asked seeing Jonah nod.
"Looks like he still loves you." Jonah said. Jade sighed, resting against the sofa.
"It's all complicated. But that's not what matters right? We have to talk about you." Jade said.
The doorbell rang and Jade got up, opening the door to see Hermione and Ginny with stacks of books and folders in their arms.
"We're wedding planning and planning your baby shower whether you like it or not!" Ginny said walking in. She saw Jonah and set her things down.
"Hey Jonah! I just saw you leave the Burrow!" Ginny said seeing Jonah smile nervously.
"Hey Jonah, hello Mum." Hermione said, kissing Jade's cheeks.
"So what's going on? What were you both doing?" Ginny asked, breathing quickly from carrying the heavy folders and books.
"Oh just…can I tell them?" Jade asked.
"Won't they think it'll be gross?" Jonah asked.
"Gross? Hermione's married to a Weasley and Gin…well yeah she might think it'll be disgusting but you'll get more feedback from these women." Jade said.
"About what? I love these girl talks!" Ginny said sitting next to Jonah.
"Well I've never had…sex…before…and I want George to be my first one." Jonah said, twisting her fingers anxiously.
"Wow…that is gross." Ginny said getting up and leaving to the kitchen.
"I just wanted to know what I can do so I don't seem stupid doing it. I'm completely new to it." Jonah said.
"Sweetie, you don't need to know everything in your first time! If you're making love to this man, you go along with it! Be yourself." Hermione said.
Jade snorted in laughter and Ginny burst out laughing in the kitchen.
"What?" Hermione asked, offended.
"No…it's just sometimes Draco wants me to be Nurse one night and Professor the next." Jade said.
Hermione and Jonah looked uncomfortable and Ginny walked in, munching on an apple.
"Zane likes to play Good Auror Bad Auror. Sometimes uses real muggle handcuffs." Ginny sighed pleasantly.
"That's degrading." Hermione said.
"Aw come on Herm, I'm sure you and my dear old brother get creative with your imagination from time to time." Ginny said.
"Well…we like to talk filthy. Oh this is embarrassing." Hermione blushed.
"Talk filthy about books and Hogwarts: A History?" Jade joked.
"Yes! That's exactly what he does. He likes to read a little passage from the book and-"
"Oh dear Merlin." Ginny said, shaking her head.
"But what does this mean for me? This isn't helping! I don't want to read to him on my first night!" Jonah said.
"We don't either…unless we're Hermione. Listen, the first night is a big night for you. You're giving up your virginity and that's a very big step. You need to make sure everything's perfect." Ginny said.
"Is that how your first time was?" Jonah asked seeing Ginny shrug and give a nod.
"Dean wasn't all that bad. Took me up to the Astronomy Tower and lit candles everywhere. There were roses and chocolate covered strawberries." Ginny said.
"I remember, she came back with a large smile on her face at midnight and told me all about it." Hermione said, shaking her head.
"So your first time was perfect too?" Jonah asked seeing Hermione nod.
"Right after Ron and I had gotten married, we went on our honeymoon and it was the most perfect first time I could have ever imagined. Under the stars in a private Villa at the Bermudas." Hermione sighed.
"That sounds so romantic!" Jonah said, placing her hands over her heart.
"It was so much more than romantic…it was beautiful." Hermione said. Jonah smiled and turned around to Jade.
"And what about your first time? I bet it was unforgettable!" Jonah gushed.
"I need to go check on Sage." Jade said getting up and leaving quickly. Hermione and Ginny fell into a fit of giggles after Jade left them.
"What? What's wrong?" Jonah asked.
"Her first time was when in a bathroom stall in Hogwarts. They were caught by the ghosts of Hogwarts and Peeves went around, telling the entire school and the bloke acted like he didn't even know her." Ginny explained.
"That's fucked up! What was his name?" Jonah asked.
"Draco Malfoy, that bastard." Ginny said.
Jade saw Sage in the front yard, playing a game with Lark and a few other of the neighborhood kids. She warned Sage not to go anywhere and went back inside, seeing Ginny and Hermione give Jonah advice.
"It's going to hurt the first time, but if you want to see a demonstration or something, Jade has a load of porn for you to watch so you can understand how it's done." Ginny said.
"Porn? No! That's vile!" Hermione said.
"What do you want to see porn for? We don't have porn!" Jade said, her voice reaching to a shrill.
"Come off it! I know you and Draco watch those naughty videos when Sage is asleep and try to recreate some scenes of your own. You're best mates with Blaise and Albert for fuck's sake, bring those videos out!" Ginny said.
Jade reached down to the bottom of the stand and pulled out a few copies of a few ludicrous porn titles with Gilderoy Lockhart's charming smile on them.
"Merlin's underpants! Lockhart! Gilderoy Lockhart?!" Hermione screamed.
"It's Gilderotic Lockhard to you." Ginny said.
"This is madness!" Hermione said.
"Is he a politician or something?" Jonah asked.
"Somewhat." Jade said.
"Which one should we see? 'Prisoner of Ass-Ka-Bang' or 'The Elder, Longer and Uncut Wand'?" Ginny asked.
"Let's watch My Basilisk and Her Chamber of Secrets." Jade said.
"Ohh." Ginny, Hermione and Jonah chorused.
For the first few minutes, they watched a pretty skimpy clothed woman with big blonde hair roaming around a dark corridor of what appeared to be a fake Hogwarts. She fell against a wall that magically turned and brought her to the Chamber of Secrets. Jade looked at Ginny who looked like she had been watching this for all her life. Her eyes then traveled to Jonah who looked entirely enthralled with the movie. Hermione looked dumbstruck and horrified.
"Oh my goodness that's big." Hermione said, covering her mouth.
"That's…huge. Are you Wizarding people developed down there as well?" Jonah asked.
"Well mine isn't very big." Jade said, looking down at her pants. Ginny laughed and pushed Jade, watching the rest of the movie.
"He's ramming right into her." Jonah said, trying to cover her eyes but she couldn't help but peek.
The entire living room was filled with moans, groans, screaming and panting. While they were watching, Jade heard the doorbell ring and she jumped for the remote.
"Oh my God! Turn it off! Turn it off!" Jade screamed.
"Where?! Where?"! Hermione asked, looking around.
They heard Draco's voice accompanied by a few other voices and everyone panicked.
"Got it!" Jonah said, holding the remote up. She pressed the button as soon as Draco walked in with Gary, Narcissa, Bilius and Aunt Muriel.
"MERLIN'S COCK!" The blonde woman screamed from the top of her lungs.
Everyone froze, watching Gilderoy Lockhart explode like an atomic bomb all over the woman's face.
"Oh…dear." Narcissa gagged. Bilius paled and fainted and Aunt Muriel cackled.
"I think I pressed on the replay button by mistake." Jonah said, setting the remote down.
"Well let's repeat a few more times! Get some popcorn Jade!" Aunt Muriel said, taking a seat on the sofa. Draco looked stunned and slid his gaze over to Jade who had her hands on her head.
"This is a bit embarrassing." Jade said.
After that horrific experience, Draco happily sent Lark on his way back home as the women made a quick dinner. Everyone had dinner and spoke about wedding plans, the new babies and Sage and left to go home.
"We just wanted to see how you and my grandchildren were doing." Narcissa said, kissing Jade's cheeks.
"Thank you Mum." Jade said.
Gary hugged her goodbye, telling her to be careful and eat properly. She said goodbyes to her father and Aunt Muriel who left a dirty and obscene comment and left with Jonah, Hermione and Ginny.
"Thanks for talking everything with me. I'm really sorry about everyone coming across all this." Jonah said.
"No problem at all love." Jade said.
When they left, Draco and Jade tucked Sage in and before Jade went to head off to bed, Draco grabbed her back, pulling her down the stairs.
"You don't think I'm going to let you off so easily after today's episode?" he asked with a grin.
"It wasn't my fault! I was trying to enlighten people." Jade said.
"I can't believe you'd watch My Basilisk and Her Chamber of Secrets without me. I'm a little hurt." Draco said, turning off all the lights. He turned the television on and nuzzled his nose against Jade's neck, watching the blonde woman walk down the corridors of fake Hogwarts again.
"I bet I can make you feel a little better." Jade promised.