The Aurseize

Part Two: Beat Up A Cow

Jade went to the Ministry the next day and noted that Draco wasn't there. Just when she needed the jackass, he magically disappeared into wanker land.

"Well if it isn't the Devil herself. We were so worried about you!" Lavender said as Jade handed her the dress she lent her.

"So did you screw Harry?" Parvati blurted. Jade let out a sigh.

"I'm pretty sure I didn't, I'm hoping I didn't and if I did I wouldn't remember because I was I was drugged out of my arse." Jade said seeing Lavender and Parvati look sympathetic.

"We heard what happened. It's a terrible thing that happened and I personally forked around with Leonard Reece…cheap extra small dick." Lavender said.

"But Harry was pretty happy yesterday morning. He was actually smiling at us and we were both sitting here, wondering what in the world you did to him to make him smile like that." Parvati said.

Jade couldn't answer, thanks to Harry who walked in, giving her a corner smile. Jade looked at Parvati and Lavender who was terrified and fascinated at the same time. Harry thanked Parvati and left the Aurseize Office with Jade behind him.

"Harry! You look awfully happy today." Jade said seeing him turn.

"Good for me." He said.

"Did I try to harass you the other night?" Jade asked in a low voice. Harry cracked a grin and grabbed Jade's chin.

"I wouldn't exactly call it harassment. If you're worrying you did anything drastic, you didn't. If you're wondering I'll file a report against you, I won't. If you're wondering I liked it, I sure as damn did. If you ask me any more questions or ask me to elaborate on this anymore, I'll shoot you love." He said.

He kept grinning at her, seeing her look horrified and left. Jade took a seat and put a hand over her chest at what Harry said to her and how he gave her goose bumps. It was a good thing that Jade didn't remember any of it, he would have shot her.


Jade and Lavender stood in front a memorial home and looked at each other.

"You're going to arrest an old person?" Lavender asked.

"Uh…I guess. Marjorie Parkinson and she is wanted for hexing a few muggle kids. I swear I don't even know how to get an old woman out of her memorial home." Jade said seeing Lavender crack her knuckles.

"When I was little, my grandma hexed me because I always sat on my foot…she told me it was unladylike…well kick my round ass hot lips!" Lavender said shaking a fist to the sky. Jade stared at Lavender with an open mouth, shook her head and went inside.

They walked around the memorial home to see senior citizens, walking at the pace of a slug with their walkers. Some of them playing cards and some of them sleeping in the middle of the hallway.

"Excuse me ladies, can I help you?" a young nurse asked.

"We're Aurseizes and we're going to drag a child hater's arse to the Ministry." Lavender said. Jade turned to Lavender, pulled out a few Galleons and put them in Lavender's hand.

"Lav, just go outside and buy yourself a sandwich and let me deal with this." Jade said.

"What?! Fine, just because you're a good friend of mine and you gave me money for food. But what if the old lady hexes you? Don't you need backup?" Lavender asked.

"I'm fine-"

"Where are my meds?! I NEED MY MEDS!" and old woman with silvery and green tinted hair screamed, banging her cane on the window.

"Marjorie! You can't hit the windows with your cane! It'll break!" the nurse said.

"You can hit the road sister! If I don't get my meds, I'll run you over with Wallace's wheelchair!" Marjorie shrieked.

"Damn…Marjorie makes Aunt Muriel look bad." Jade said hearing Lavender laugh nervously.

"Oh well. I told you I'd love to help you with this apprehension but since you gave me your money and insisted on me buying a sandwich, I probably will! Toodles darling!" Lavender said leaving. Jade was the only one standing by herself.

"I need to get her medication before she kills someone." The nurse said exasperatedly. The nurse left and Jade started walking towards Marjorie.

"Marjorie Parkinson?" Jade asked Marjorie who snapped up from applying her bright red lipstick.

"What?" Marjorie asked.

"I need to take you to the Ministry for hexing a couple of muggle kids." Jade said locking Marjorie's hands together.

"Help! This woman is harassing an old lady! I have rights! Call the Army! Call someone! HEEEEEELP!" Marjorie squawked. Jade looked around seeing every old people in the memorial home start to gang up on her.

"What's the matter?" an old man asked in his quavering voice.

"I really didn't-"

"She hit me! And she told me that she was going to take me far away to chop me up into teeny tiny little pieces!" Marjorie said. Jade looked at the senior citizens, holding up her hands.

"She's lying, I didn't say that-"

"Liar! You elderly kidnapper!" another old woman said. Someone whacked Jade on the head with a metal cane and she turned to see Marjorie gripping her cane.

"Get her!" Marjorie shrieked.

It was a horror movie; Attack of the Senile Mutants. The elderly came at her with canes, wheelchairs and fists which were surprisingly strong. Jade screamed and tried to run away but Marjorie's fist connected with her lip.

"What's going on?! Move back! Angela owl the Aurors!" a nurse called.

Lavender came flying into the room with a sandwich in her hand.

"Get off of my friend!" she screamed.

"She's an accomplice!" Marjorie said. Lavender threw her sandwich at Marjorie which hit her directly in her face.

"I've got ketchup and mustard all over my face and clothes!" Marjorie said.

"Well that's not all you're going to have on your face once I'm done with you!" Lavender said.

Two Aurors walked into the room. Jade knew one of them, his name was Michael Goadby and the other was a female Auror that Jade had never seen before.

"Holy crap." Michael said helping Jade up.

"Do you mind explaining what happened?" the female Auror asked Jade.

Everyone started simultaneously speaking and she put up a hand.

"One at a time." She said.

"What?! What did you say?" a man asked cupping his ear.

"I said one at a time." The female Auror said.

"What are we doing one at a time?" the man asked.

"Fuck me." The female Auror said.

"Hey Draco, you might want to drop by the memorial home on Chamber's Village…your favorite Aurseize did it again." Michael said into his phone. He shut it and grinned at Jade through his thick moustache.

"Your life must be interesting." He said as Jade made a face.

"Not interesting enough." Jade said.

"That old cracker owes me a sandwich." Lavender said, adjusting her top. Michael eyed her like she was eye candy and Lavender looked up at him.

"I don't come for free." Lavender said. Michael nodded.

"I know you don't and if I weren't a good Auror I would have sort of arrested you because paying for sex is illegal." Michael said seeing Lavender smile.

"Of course I didn't mean it like that! I'm just a respectable woman who isn't easy, that's what I meant." Lavender said. Michael grinned.

"I'll buy you a sandwich for lunch." He said seeing Lavender giggle.

"I love sandwiches…with ketchup and mustard…not old ladies that smell like death, cigarettes and Bengay." Lavender said. Jade saw Draco walking in and his eyes fell on her.

"You look like death ran over you ten times." He said walking up to her. Jade grimaced.

"Hell yes death ran over her…about 20 of them. These old hag bags were on her like she was a piece of painkiller for them." Lavender said. Draco only smiled and took out his handkerchief.

"Your lip is busted." He said handing the handkerchief to her. Jade dabbed the handkerchief on her swollen cut lip and saw the blood.

"Ough…great." Jade said.

"I'll drop you home." He said nodding towards the door. Jade finally found the chance she was looking for. Hopefully she would lead him to her apartment and try to get him to act normal again with her.

"That'll be nice." Jade said.

They walked out of the memorial building and towards Draco's car. She went to reach for the passenger's seat but the window rolled down to reveal a pretty looking woman with soft wavy blonde hair and a pink sundress.

"Hi! You must be one of Draco's friends! I'm Rita!" she said sticking out her hand.

Jade stood there in confusion, shaking her hand.

"Oh my…you have a terrible cut on your lip, do you want me to fix that for you?" she asked getting out of the car. She had long and lean legs with white slippers, looking too cute and making Jade sick.

"I'm sorry…am I supposed to know who you are?" Jade asked. Rita smiled, walking over to Draco and putting an arm around his waist.

"Draco's my boyfriend." She said.

Jade felt Rita's words hit her harder than Marjorie's punches. Draco lips tightened and he looked away from Jade, trying to look noncommittal.

"Oh? He never told me about this." Jade said looking at Draco.

"It's been two days actually. A little early but I don't blame him. We should have lunch! We were on our way to a restaurant when Draco got your call. He's such a good friend." Rita said placing her head on his shoulder.

Jade gripped the handkerchief demanding herself not to scream from the top of her lungs and beat her chest with her fist. She gave a controlled smile at the both of them and spoke.

"It's really nice of you to ask but I need to be home and slaughter some chickens with my Aunt Muriel." Jade said. Rita looked horrified.

"Oh that's terrible! Why would you ever hurt a living being? Killing animals is inhumane!" Rita said.

"I think I'll roll them around in buttermilk and flour and fry them after that." Jade added, seeing Rita look like she was about to cry.

"That's horrible! We never eat chickens or any other animals or products made by animals!" Rita said. Jade cut Draco a look, seeing him look pained to death.

"Oh…Malfoy doesn't eat meat or produces from animals?" Jade asked seeing Rita give a haughty nod.

"We're both vegans. We support the life!" Rita said. Jade cracked a grin and gave her a peace sign.

"I respect and admire that greatly Rita, I really do. Good job to the both of you, but I really have to go and slaughter my chickens anyways and probably beat up a cow somewhere along the way. Toodles!" Jade said taking out Harry's broom.

She kicked off with her broom, to angry to go to her own home. Instead she flew to her home where her father was painting the windowpanes of their home.

"Jade!" Bilius said from the top of the ladder.

"Hi." Jade said dropping her broom. Bilius frowned and put his paintbrush into the pan. He stepped down and took a seat next to Jade.

"Honey what's wrong? What happened to your lip?" Bilius asked touching Jade's face.

"Some old lady knocked the daylights out of me." Jade said seeing Bilius grimace.

"If your Aunt Muriel sees this, she'll write you off her will. I think it's about time you change your job." Bilius said, summoning the first aid kit.

Jade thought so too, but what other thing could she do instead of being an Aurseize? She didn't want to leave England again for a few years. She made friends and in some horrible way, she was starting to grow fond of this new job, even if it meant that people were trying to kill her.

"Ow." Jade hissed when Bilius dabbed the alcohol cloth on her lip.

"Your Aunt Muriel and Aunt Molly told me that you have a boyfriend?" Bilius asked.

"Oh…about that." Jade said.

"And it's Malfoy?" Bilius asked.

"We're really not together Dad. It was just a-"

"He screwed you over again?! That son of a bitch! I'll murder him!" Bilius yelled.

"Dad! Calm down!" Jade said.

"What are you making a scene again for? Did a wasp sting your butt cheek again?" Aunt Muriel asked shuffling out of the house. She saw Jade and smiled brightly.

"Well there's my favorite great niece…what happened to your face?! Bilius did you punch my niece in the face?!" Aunt Muriel growled.

"Why would I punch my daughter Aunt Muriel?" Bilius asked.

"Because she's dating the chicken fucking prick Malfoy." Aunt Muriel said, seeing Bilius's face grow red.

"Then I'd punch him not Jade." Bilius said.

"I was going on an apprehension of some old bat in a memorial home and she punched me in the face." Jade said.

"Old woman? You got socked by an old woman? Deary me…why have I raised a bunch of pansies in my house?" Aunt Muriel asked.

"I need a cookie." Jade said starting to leave.

"What was her name? No one punches my niece and gets away with it. You tell me who touched you and I'll knock her dentures off her face!" Aunt Muriel said grabbing her purse.

"There will be NO denture knocking! Jade don't you even dare take her to apprehend an old lady!" Bilius said.

"Hey, I didn't even say anything." Jade said. Aunt Muriel slumped her shoulders and looked solemn.

"Fine…oh well…Jade do you want some dinner?" Aunt Muriel asked seeing Jade nod.

"Sure." Jade said. They walked into the house and Jade started setting the table.

"Do we have anything alcoholic? I'm in the mood to get a little trashed." Jade said.

"Uh oh." Aunt Muriel said.

"Someone's depressed." Bilius said, bringing in the pot roast.

Jade brought in a bowl of salad and Aunt Muriel came out with a bottle of wine and scotch. Jade instantly shot two down and sat down for dinner.

"Wow…you're hungry." Bilius said as Jade crammed everything into her mouth.

"Mmffphh." Jade replied, chewing.

Aunt Muriel slid Bilius a look, who started lolling his head.

"Oh…my head feels…sleepy." He said. Jade looked at her father who rolled his eyes to the back of his head and slammed face first into his dinner. Aunt Muriel shot up in her seat.

"Let's go kick some old hag arse!" she said, taking her purse. Jade stared at her Aunt and then back at her Dad who was out like a light, snoring loudly.

"What did you do to him?" Jade asked finishing up her food. Aunt Muriel waved a hand at Jade.

"I just spiked his scotch with a teeny bit of sleeping potion." Aunt Muriel said.


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