Bad Faith Book 1

14. Confessions

Dear Dezzie,

You simply cannot be more loathe to erase my letters than I was to erase your last letter. That dragon was beautifully drawn, and I didn't want to banish such a beautiful thing from existence. I spent nearly all day staring at it, wishing I could save it. Tell me, my dear, why didn't you draw it the wizard's way so it would move and breathe fire and such?

Anyways, I can't help but agree that these letters are tending to get a little harder to write. We don't know a lot about each other. Perhaps you would care to join me in a game of getting to know you twenty questions? I'll go first and you can respond if you choose to do so. My question is: What's your family really like? I've heard stories of the Malfoy family, but somehow, I feel I really don't know anything about them that would set them apart from say the Blacks.

I think it would do us well to answer our own questions as well, so as to excuse ourselves from repeated questions, so I'll tell you a bit about the inner workings of my family. My father was a problem drinker and that tended to get him in a lot of tough situations. One night he drunkenly crossed the wrong man, and that man retaliated by turning me into a werewolf. I was young at the time. I was too young to know what was happening to me, and still I don't remember much of anything before I was turned. After that my father quit drinking, but he also left us because of his guilt. He couldn't stand to see his son as a monster. My mother and I haven't heard from him since. Honestly, I think the guilt may have driven him mad. My Mother won't talk about him and I won't ask her to. She feels guilt about it all too, but more than that, she pities me. She tends to be overly affectionate because of my condition. I have no siblings.

Ah, I remember that kiss as well. It was my first real kiss. I've had a handful of pecks, but man, that was some kiss. And as for meeting in the village, it would be rather difficult as you haven't gone to Hogsmeade all year. Tell me, do you hate that town or do you just like having the castle to yourself?

This letter got rather long,

Moony

I laughed lightly and leaned back against my pillows using my potions book as a surface to write on. At the bottom of the page I drew a cartoon-ish wolf howling at the man in the moon. Then I started writing my letter.

Dear Moony,

Thank you about the dragon. For your compliments, I grant you one more muggle drawing, one that I believe will be dear to your heart. I draw the muggle way because it captures the beauty of a single, frozen moment rather than diluting it with a crude attempt at life. As for your question about Hogsmeade, I don't hate the town, rather I plan on living there someday. On the other hand, Hogsmeade floods with so many students on the weekends that I get a bit stifled by all of the people. I'm rather a solitary creature myself, if you haven't noticed.

Now, about your other question. What are the Malfoy's really like? Well, you probably know that my family consists of Lucius, Abraxas, and myself. You may also know that my mother was Desiree Malfoy, formerly Blanc. She was a pureblood, but she was a Potter kind of pureblood. She didn't want anything to do with my father's blood purist rants. Despite the fact that their marriage was arranged by their parents when they were young, my parents loved each other dearly. The two of them were night and day, but they worked well together. Yeah, being such polar opposites, they fought a lot, but for the most part we were a happy family. My father got to have his heir, a very good wizard, worthy of being heir to the Malfoy name, and my mother got to have a girl, which she had always wanted. They thought I was a squib as I didn't show my magical abilities until I was seven. Father resented having a squib in the house but my mother loved me all the same.

When I finally showed my magical ability, it was in the midst of one of their fights. Mother was very ill by that time and Father was worried, though he was loathe to admit it. When I heard that they were fighting about me again, I lost it. My magic came to me in a rather large explosion and it hurt my mother who was standing closest to me. Because of her already failing health, there was nothing the healers could do for her and she died the next day. I haven't told anyone this, but I feel that I killed her.

Now that I've adequately spilled my guts about a rather painful subject, I want to hear about your lycanthropy. I'll tell you more of my family another time. Since I am not a werewolf, I don't feel the need to write my half of that question.

Feeling better having told someone,

Dezzie

I sent off the letter as soon as I had signed my name so that I wouldn't chicken out. Then I went to bed and slept well for the first time in years. When the morning came I was too scared to open Moony's reply so I just headed straight to class without touching the letter or eating breakfast. I stayed to myself until Charms class, where Lily ambushed me.

"Thank you for making nice with Severus. I really think we could be friends, but I wanted to support him, even if his reasoning is ridiculous." Lily smiled, settling in beside me. "He was worried when you didn't come down for breakfast, you know."

I smiled awkwardly. "I know. I just… I had a rather disturbing nightmare and have found it hard to concentrate today. I'll be heading to bed before dinner, so could you let him know that I'm okay?"

Lily smiled brightly and I found it difficult not to relax in her presence. "Oh, I totally understand. The other week I had a rather nasty nightmare myself. It was about Professor Slughorn turning into a Jinn or some such nonsense. You wouldn't believe how much Jinn's scare me ever since we had to do a paper on them at the beginning of the year."

I rolled my eyes. "Oh, just you wait. I hear that we're studying werewolves in January. That'll scare the pants right off you."

Lily shrugged. "I'm not so sure, actually. Werewolves aren't really evil most the time. They're people, just like us. I feel kind of sorry for them. You know, like how I feel about house elves and centaurs."

I laughed. "That's very true. Excluding the full moon, werewolves are pretty much discriminated humans. It's kind of like gay people in the muggle world or muggleborns in Slytherin. There's not much reason for the hate, it's mostly because people fear them."

Lily took my hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. "You're very tolerant for a pureblood Slytherin. It gives me hope for the future generations."

"And you are very smart for a Gryffindor and skilled for a muggleborn, Lily. Some of us just break the cookie cutters that define people." I teased. "Merlin surely broke the cookie cutters for some of us."

"Were you staring at Remus Lupin when you said that?" Lily whispered a mischievous smirk on her lips.

"That smile reminds me of James." I smiled back at her.

She blushed. "Shut up, Malfoy. Yeah, James is cute and funny, but he's also an arrogant bully. Ask me again in ten years or so."

I laughed at that. "I actually can't argue with that assessment one bit. If James manages to outgrow his ego, he might actually be a catch."

Lily nodded and started pulling out her books for class. She got herself all situated then turned back to me. "You never answered my question, Dez. Does a certain Slytherin princess have a crush on Gryffindor's own Remus Lupin?"

I smiled softly. "Lil, not all of us can overcome things like being in different houses. Remus is great, but he's still a Gryffindor."

Lily nodded solemnly. "You know, you both should have been Ravenclaws. Then there wouldn't be all this mess between you. You're both so studious. Neither one of you is seen without a book nearby. You both love to pull pranks, though I have a feeling that you two tend to be more fun and less mean with your pranks. You're both so very loyal. He sticks with Potter and Black despite all the detentions they've gotten him. You're friends with Sev despite how much of a jerk he's been since Halloween. You're both way too old to be so young. I can see it in your eyes. You've both seen horrible things. Dez, you two are like a match made in heaven."

I sighed softly. "Really? You think so?."

Professor Flitwick started the lesson before Lily could interrogate me further and by the time the lesson was done, we were both just eager to get to lunch. Lily and I didn't talk for the rest of the day, though she had helped me feel a bit better about myself. By dinner time, I was ready to answer Moony's letter.

Dear Dez,

I have indeed noticed that you are solitary and I thank you again for the drawing. Personally, I'm hoping that this becomes a habit for you. I like your art, you're rather good at it.

As for your answer to my question. I feel rather… mixed about it. On one hand, I'm very glad that you had the confidence to share such a shadow on your soul with me. On the other hand, I can't help but feel horrible for reading such a confession. I assure you that I erased it as soon as I read it so that no one else would see it. Dez, you didn't kill her. None of it was your fault. You were a frightened child. It happens. Someday I hope that you can forgive yourself, because I'm sure she never held a moment of it against you.

Now, on to my confession. Lycanthropy is hell. I think the worst part may be lying to everyone. I hate lying to the people I care about, but it's not like I can walk up and say "Hey I'm a werewolf, want to be friends?" You know? Well, of course you probably don't, but that's okay. I just hate seeing pity and fear in people's eyes. That's how the teachers see me. They either pity me or fear me. I understand their struggle though. Honestly, I hate myself. I'm a monster. I can't control any of it and it hurts. I'm always in pain because of the transformations and because of the things I've done. I used to forget what I'd done, but now I remember it all. I've killed people, Dez, and that terrifies me. I would kill more people if I had the chance on those nights. I don't want to, but I have no control over the beast. He's always there just beneath my skin whispering to me and howling to be free. I can't talk about it much, but I can tell you that it's not pleasant and I honestly understand why people hate my kind.

Sorry that it's not as juicy as yours,

Moony

I yawned loudly and erased the letter. I would respond in the morning.


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