You and Darren were sitting on the couch. You really didn't want to listen what Darren had to tell you, because the only thing you wanted to do was to be away from there. Staying in the same room than Darren wasn't helping you to make that change you wanted to do. And you didn't want to look into Darren's eyes because it'd make you change your mind and you couldn't let it happen. You were very hurt and you needed time for yourself, to recover. But you loved Darren and you couldn't do it if he was there with you. Darren looked nervous and sad at the same time, and you didn't even know why he was like that. Because it was pretty obvious that he had feelings for Mia although he told you again he loved you. You only were trying to go away to let Darren and Mia alone and less confused. Because that's how Darren was feeling: confused. He kept saying he loved you but at the same time whenever Mia appeared, he couldn't stay away from her. You saw it. But there was Darren, trying to explain to you something that seemed hard for him. Darren was going to explain you that thing Joey said to you last night at the beach, what happened between Mia and him in the past. You were a little nervous to listen it, because he said you may not like what he had to tell you, and the last you needed in that moment was to feel even more hurt. But he really wanted to tell you all that, and you couldn't leave him there. Because even though all that happened recently was very painful for you, Darren always listened to you, he always helped you and once you promised him that you were going to try to help him as well. Darren next to you was really nervous; he even was shaking his hands.
"Uhm... Do you want first something to drink? I could bring something, if you want."Darren said, still nervous and you sighed.
"Darren, if you're feeling uncomfortable, then don't tell me anything. Anyway, I really don't have to know about it." You said quietly, still avoiding his gaze.
"No, no. I want you to know, if we need... if we want this to work...I mean, you need to know everything and I really want to tell you this." Darren said awkwardly, getting closer to you, and looking into your eyes.
"Fine, then. Spit it out. And no, I want nothing to drink." You said clearly.
"Please, I want you to look into my eyes when I'm telling you all of this. It's not easy for me, and I really want you to know that I'm being honest." Darren said, grabbing your hands. You quickly pushed your hands off him and you felt how Darren made a face of sadness.
"Fine, I'm looking at you." You looked up to him and having done that made you feel bad, but you hid it.
Darren's eyes denoted gloom, distress and pang. But there was also a twinkle of hope. You didn't want him to feel that way, he really looked rueful and he also was ill at ease. But you really needed to stop feeling in that way, because you couldn't forget what he'd done last night. He didn't only hurt you but he was the one who made you distrust people. And he clearly was hurt by the way you were treating him, but you needed to let him know that you were indeed hurt for all that happened and that he didn't to do it again. Darren cleared his throat before talking again.
"Alright. A few years ago, I met Mia. I went to NYC with my bro and we eventually met her. We got along so well, more than well actually. It was nice to spend time with her; she was like very related about everything I liked to do. We shared a lot of things about music and all. It was like we were so alike, and I liked that. Since the very first time we met, we talked as if we were lifetime friends. It didn't take so long for the first time... the first time we were together. We both wanted that, and I felt as if i were falling in love with her. In fact, after few months I told her that I was in love with her, she told me she felt the same. Since that moment we dated for five years. We had ups and downs, but we were good together, we felt...we felt as if we couldn't live without each other. I really loved her so fucking much. She was everything to me; she was my very first real love. I actually, actually I'd considered marrying her. Damn, she drove me crazy, I couldn't stop thinking her and I wanted to be with her all the time. I was really happy whenever I was with her. All I wanted was to spend the rest of my life with her, because she was this kind of amazing person." Darren stopped for a while, clearing his throat.
You never stopped looking into Darren's eyes even though it was hurting you. At some point, Darren's eyes denoted melancholy and you really could see sincerity in his eyes. You didn't even know why it was hurting you the way too much. Actually you did know why you were feeling like this, but it was stupid. More reasons to think you were really naive. You thought that Darren felt as happy as he was saying only with you, at least for what you'd heard Chuck saying to Darren that day after his party. But Darren wanted to marry Mia, and that was too much. He really loved her as he never did with someone else; he was talking about her in an adorable way. And it really hurt to hear the person you loved talking that way about someone else. But now, you needed to hear the whole story even though it was going to break your heart. Darren was looking at his lap and then he looked up to you again, you tried to keep that empty look in your eyes. You got it, and Darren looked at you sadly. Suddenly his face turned sadder than ever with a touch of bitterness. That really confused you, but you couldn't think why he was being like that now because he started to talk again.
"Mia is a nice girl, she's...she's awesome, funny, adorable and she's...she's good well, you know what I mean. But she always had this shortcoming, this absence to show her love. I knew she loved me...but she showed it in a weird way and I wasn't fully comfortable with that. For some reason, our relationship deteriorated over time. While I wanted to spend time with her, taking her to some places, doing whatever a couple would do; she only wanted...well, she only wanted to be in a room and, you know. Not that I didn't enjoy it, but it wasn't all I wanted us to be. We were together for four years and in the last two years she was...seeing other guy, you know. When I found it out, I got mad, yes, but I forgave her. I loved her very much, and she was telling me that she wouldn't do it again, and I trusted her. Well, I was blinded. The point is that I never could be away from her, I wanted to be with her because she made me feel so good, and I only thought about all the good time we had together. She kept cheating me with that guy; but she always knew what to say me or what to do to make me feel good again with her. And I...i just couldn't stand my time without her. All my friends kept telling me that I needed to get over her, to start over again with other person because although she was this awesome person; she wasn't good for me, she wasn't interested in the kind of relationship I was pretending to have, she wasn't ready to settle down as I was expecting. I didn't listen a shit of all my friends told me. Until that day..." Darren shifted uncomfortably in the couch, apparently remembering something bad.
You were looking at him frowning, not because you were upset but because you were listening to him very intently. Darren really was being honest with you and you knew this all was hard for him. Of course this all was making you feel sad, but you put yourself in his shoes. It really was sad, you felt pity for him. You knew how it felt to be in love with someone who didn't love you back in the same way, and it wasn't good. He really loved her and she didn't, she only wanted Darren to have sex and fun, at least it was what she wanted in the last time she was with Darren. And Darren talked about Mia as if she were an awesome person, just like his friends talked about her too. But you couldn't see Mia as an awesome person considering what she'd done to you to you and what she'd done to Darren. But if they thought in that way, they'd have their reasons and you respected that. Darren now was frowning and he was serious.
"One day she promised me that everything would change, that she was ready to settle down. And I was happy like hell, I was happy because I was going to spend more time with her, to do all those things I always wanted to do with her. And it was our anniversary, so I decided to surprise her. I went to her apartment, with a ring. Yes, fuck. I was going to propose her; I was fucking going to propose her." Darren said, this time shedding some tears and shaking his head, you felt bad for him and this time you couldn't hide it. "But there she was with that guy...they were...they were...I caught them in action and couldn't fucking move from where I was, I couldn't fucking say a word. I was feeling betrayed and so damn bad, I was happy for something that never existed. And she tried to say something to me, but no. That time I decided it was time to get over her. I felt so bad." Darren couldn't stop sobbing and you didn't know what to do, that was terrible. No matter what he did to you, no matter how hurt you were, Darren was feeling miserable and that broke your heart. You grabbed his hand gently and he just buried his head on your shoulder, sobbing even harder. "Since that time, I never saw her again. I mean, yes. I saw her several times, but it wasn't like before. I didn't want a relationship with her. As much as I hate to admit it, yeah, we turned into that thing people call fuck buddies. I'm not proud of that, you know? But she...she always made me feel that, she always made me feel as if I needed her, and I just couldn't be away from her. A part of my heart still loved her, but I didn't want to be with her again like before. I couldn't handle it. That's all the mess in my life I mentioned you, that big mess that kinda kept happening up. I thought...I thought that I could never fall in love again. I couldn't believe in real love again. But then...then you came up into my life and I let myself to give it a try again. I let myself to fall in love again. And this was so hard for me, so fucking hard. I was so damn scared to feel love again, but I decided to take the risk again. I loved you, I love you and I'll always do. And sometimes i act like this jerk with you, and you and Joey, and I'm still fucking scared that all that happened to me can happen again. That's why i act like a douchebag when I see you with other guy; I cannot stop thinking that...the same is gonna happen. I know... I know you aren't Mia, I know you're not like her. But I cannot avoid this feeling, because I was really hurt in the past. And I'm really sorry for that, I hate when I treat you like this, because I know you don't deserve it, and because i know it's all my fault, I'm the insecure one. And today...today when you came back, and you were looking at me that way...you were looking at me as if you were hopeless, as if you were tired of all...as if you wanted to leave me, you wanted to end everything we have...that broke my heart, because I don't wanna lose you, because you're the best that happened to me, because you're the person who made me believe in love again. I don't wanna let you go, you...you make me feel as if everything I did wrong in my life it doesn't matter because I can start all over again with you, because you make me feel in this way. Because you're the only one who can give me all I need, only you. And I'm scared, yes. I'm scared to be hurt again, but you're...you're this unbelievable and flawless person that I cannot ignore what I feel for you. I really love you with all my heart." Darren sobbed on your shoulder, wrapping his arms around you.
You placed your hands in his head. You didn't know why you were doing that, but Darren really neeeded that. It broke your heart, to see how Darren was really hurt deep inside, you've never seen Darren as sad as he was in that moment. It never crossed your mind that he could be feeling like this, it never crossed your mind the fact that Darren was hurt in past. He was telling you very intense things and in that moment you understood why he was nervous and sad before telling you all of this. That was the moment when you realized why Darren said you he loved you so much. Wow, he was telling you that you were the person who made him believe in love again, and that's not an easy thing. He explained why he was that rough person whenever you were with Joey; it wasn't because he didn't like see you with him, it was because he was scared that you could cheat on him with Joey after all that happened in that party with Chuck, but both of you were drunk and you never meant that. It was hard for Darren to let himself love you, and you honestly understood him. Suddenly you started to feel bad and guilty because you'd treated him in a really cold way; because you never could see that Darren was feeling deeply hurt and sad. Again you cursed yourself to think only about yourself. Darren was broken and you didn't know what to do. On the one hand, you wanted to hug him, to make him feel good again, to tell him that you were going to be always next to him and that you won't let him being hurt again. On the other hand, you were hurt too and you didn't know if you could trust him so easily again, because although he loved you, he was with Mia last night; he was telling you that he loved you but he loved Mia so fucking much since years, he thought he was over her, but what they'd done last night was the proof that actually Darren wasn't ready to love you the way you needed, he still had feelings for Mia and if that was going to be in that way, you couldn't be with Darren because he needed time to think what he really wanted and you couldn't let yourself to be hurt as well. This was all a mess. Meanwhile, you decided to hug him because he needed it and after all you loved him and you couldn't handle seeing him that miserable. Darren kept wrapping his arms around you, with his head on your shoulder, still sobbing but trying to calm down to keep talking.
"But...but there's what happened with Mia yesterday. When yesterday we, you and me, came here I wasn't expecting all of this. It wasn't on my plans that people were going to be here, that we were going to attend a party; that Mia was coming. I only wanted to spend time with the person I love, to enjoy with her every moment as possible. I had awesome plans for us, but nothing came as I expected. When Joey mentioned that at the party an unwanted guest was coming, I really knew who this guest was. So I just wanted to go away, to go somewhere else where we could spend time alone and just enjoy our time together. But then I looked into your eyes and you really wanted to attend that party, so I couldn't ignore what you wanted only because I didn't want it. So I said yes, let's stay here. After all, I loved you so fucking much and not even Mia could change that. I was really nervous and uncomfortable because the truth was that actually I didn't know how I'd react with Mia there. It was like a challenge for me, it was like having you and Mia in the same place was the only way if I really got over Mia. And I knew you wouldn't feel uncomfortable being with her because you didn't know the love affair I had with her. But I also was scared about the way Mia would react after she finds out who you were. Because every time I was with another girl who wasn't her, she always found the way to fuck it up so that way I could be with her. And then Mia finally arrived to the party. I was so fucking scared. But then she greeted me and I felt nothing for her. I was so damn happy for that because it really meant I was over her, and all I cared about was you. The only I wanted was to be with you, and you were so adorable and you were singing, laughing, and getting along so well with my friends. You were so beautiful, amazing and perfect that I coudn't take my eyes off you. I even forgot Mia was there. Then I saw you and Mia talking and I didn't like it all. As I said, I had no idea what the hell she could say to you. But you were smiling while talking to her and so was Mia. It was as if you both were getting along well, as if Mia actually didn't mind you were... you were my girl as Bonnie said. I thought that maybe Mia had changed, that finally she didn't want to fuck up my relationship, that she wanted me to be happy with a girl like you. And I thought that Mia liked you, as everybody does. Because it's impossible not to like you, all my friends told me so. So I was super happy for that and I let myself to relax and enjoy that party. I was enjoying it that I didn't notice that you and Mia weren't there anymore. When I looked up to find you and go take a walk along the beach alone, you weren't there and Mias was there. I thought that maybe you went to walk by yourself because you really love the beach; I knew it because once you told me so in one of your letters. Then I decided to wait for you, I thought that maybe you wanted some time alone. And then... then I went to the kitchen because we ran out of alcohol. I didn't notice that Mia was followng me. And everything happened so fast that I couldn't think what was happening. When I turned around to come back to the bonfire, Mia pulled me against the kitchen counter and... And she..." Darren shifted uncomfortably in the couch before start talking again and you just kept staring him intently. You were nervous because you knew that the moment when Darren was going to tell you everything that hurt you was coming; but you hid it. "She started to touch and kiss me. I tried to stop her because she didn't mean anything to me and I didn't want to be with her because now I had you, and I loved you. She needed to understand it. But... but...when she started to doall that, I... I couldn't resist. I never could resist her, she... she always does that thing that makes me lose my control. So she kissed me and yes, I'm not gonna lie, I kissed her back because I let myself to carry away. But then, fuck! I stopped her. That wasn't what I wanted. I didn't want her back in my life; I didn't want her to screw up everything I had with you. Because you were more important than her, because you gave me all and she never gave me a shit. I couldn't let her to fuck up this, because certainly I knew how my story with her would end, because I saw that end every time she appeared in my life when I was with someone else. Because I always let myself to be blinded and I trusted her over and over again, hoping that finally she changed. But that never happened and this time it wouldn't happen again. And I was with you and I didn't want to lose an awesome person such as you are. I couldn't lose you for a stupid love affair that would last only one night. I told Mia to go away; I told her that she needed to leave the party because she was nothing for me now, and because she wasn't welcome any longer. So yeah, she left. And you weren't coming back, so I just decided to wait for you in the bedroom. I was... I wasn't proud to have kissed her back, I felt like the biggest douchebag; but I was happy because finally I took the right choice to forget Mia and start what I always wanted with you." Darren said with a slight smile on his face while you didn't know either what to think or what to feel. But Darren cleared his throat and kept talking. "I know I'm not completely over her. She still crosses my mind several times, but with each one of those times, a feeling of contempt also passes through my heart. Maybe if this happens enough, my heart will become completely hardened to her, and I'll get to the point where she doesn't affect me anymore. But also I'm sure I love you, but at the same time I'm afraid to give you my all, I'm afraid to love you completely. What if behind your beautiful face and kind words you are just bribing me? Maybe you're just reeling me in until you turn around and drop me. I'd fall so far and never be able to recover, I wish I could see the ending sometimes. I would know if I should hold on to you and keep going or just let it all end before I get up too high because it's like once you've been hurt, you're so scared to get attached again. You have this fear that every person you start to fall for, is just going to break your heart again. I was scared to fall in love, scared to fall fast, because every time I fall in love, it never seems to last. I know I shouldn't feel this way with you, but... I just can't avoid it."
Darren paused, still resting his head on your shoulder and he shed some tears. His voice denoted guilt and anguish. Meanwhile, you felt how your heart was breaking in million pieces. You couldn't talk, you couldn't do anything, you wanted to cry out all the pain you were feeling, but you couldn't do it. Yes, Darren loved you but he wasn't completely ready to be with you just as you wanted. He was still scared to give all of him to you; he wasn't ready to start a relationship with you, and you couldn't be around him pretending to be friends or more than friends but nothing else with him, because you couldn't stand more confusing things in your life. You needed someone who could be sure what really wanted and even though you truly loved Darren, he couldn't give you what you needed. Besides, a part of Darren was still in love with Mia and you couldn't be with someone who was thinking in someone else while was with you. Darren was confused and he needed time to think what he really wanted, and you couldn't be with hime while he was trying to figure out it; because it'd hurt you. Both of you would end hurt. You started to feel that lump in throat again and you tried your best not to mourn all you wanted to cry. And even though you were feeling tightness in the breast, you didn't cry. Instead, you kept holding Darren. Darren cleared his throat once again.
"I'm so very sorry. I can't believe that I was so unbelievably stupid. I don't know what, or if, I was thinking. How could I do this to you? I'd spend every day of my life just to make this up to you if you'd believe that I'm sorry and just give me the chance to fix this. And words cannot express how sorry I am and words cannot fix this. But, I want you to know that I love you today as much as I did when we met and I'm going to do whatever it takes to make this right. I know that you probably don't believe me and I don't blame you at all. But, I'll still be here when you're ready. I'll do whatever it takes to support you in the days ahead. If you need space, I'll respect that. All you need to do is say the word and I'll get you what you need. You don't have to worry about Mia or this happening again, as those things are both finished. Right now, my commitment is with you." Darren said, this time looking into your empty eyes. Your face didn't express anything at all and you stayed silent. "Please, say something." Darren looked at you desperate and sad as you cleared your throat to try to talk.
"Wow, well... I'm gonna be honest here and I'm sorry if it's not what you want to hear and I'm sorry if I'm not completely nice, but I'm gonna be completely honest." You started to say and Darren bit his lower lip and looked down a bit sad, knowing that what you were going to say wasn't something good. "So yeah, you were honest with me so I'm gonna be just as honest. You know? I always thought that love is like falling down... in the end you're left hurt, scarred, and with a memory of it forever. You'll never forget neither Mia nor all you went through with her. You lived with her very intense moments; you even were going to marry her. I can see in your eyes how much you loved her and how much you still love her. Don't deny it because that's what I saw in your eyes and eyes never lie; so just don't lie to me only because you want to make me feel less worse than the way I'm feeling now. Even though you went through those bad moments that made you feel so insecure when it's about love, I still think is never late to change it. Yes, probably your heart is gonna be broken again; yes, maybe you're gonna be hurt again; but it doesn't mean that you'd never find someone who's gonna make you fight for that love because you're gonna feel that at the end all the pain is worth it to be with that someone. And maybe I'm not that person, maybe I'm not the person who can make you feel that all of that is worth it, but at some point of your life you'll find that special person. Right now you're just really confused, you really don't know exactly what is that something you want, and you need time to think about it. Obviously you can't trust me enough, judging by your words, but I don't blame you at all. You're just not ready to start something with someone and I'm sorry but I cannot be with someone who's confused. I cannot be with someone who isn't sure about what is that thing he wants. Because I've been hurt too and I cannot be hurt again. You being confused and us being together while you're confused would screw things more than already are; and I really don't want it. And you were with me while you still loved Mia and that reallyhurt me. It's like if you were lying to me all this time. You know? When one lie is told, two people are involved. The person lying and the person being lied to. The person being lied to has it the hardest. Actually it's not that you lied to me, it's that I dont believe you now. That is what has me distressed. I know you didn't intentionally break my heart, you even said you were sorry, but I cried anyway. I know the truth that you're too scared to admit, you still have feelings for her; but when you look at me, you can't even remember her name. And I think you're confused, I think you need to think about what you really want. I know you never meant to do everything you put me through, it's okay I forgive you. But I can't be in the same place than you are, I cannot stand it. So I guess I should go now, I should leave you alone so you really can think about everything. I'm sorry, Darren. But that's it."
You finished talking and you were looking at Darren with that blank stare although you wanted to cry. But you couldn't feel weak in this moment; you needed to stay strong to do what was right. If you showed your weak side, you surely would stay with Darren to comfort him. But he needed time alone to clear everything and if you satyed there, definitely everything you had would go to hell. Maybe you and Darren won't work, but you didn't want either to hate him or him to hate you; and that's why you needed to leave before things could get worse. Darren, by your side, was crying in silence. He really looked desvastated. He surely didn't like this, either you. But it was what needed to be done. You looked at him once more, trying to avoid the sadness in your heart, before you stood up and attempted to leave without saying a word. But Darren grabbed your arm to prevent you from moving as you sighed.
"Don't go. Please, stay. I need you right now. I need you to hold me when I cry. Please sleep with me on my drenched pillow, just for one night more." Darren begged desperate while tears were running down his face. That made you feel really bad; you couldn't leave him like that because after all it broke your heart.
"I'm going to stay with you tonight because you need a friend, but that's all I'm going to be. No more hands in places they shouldn't be, no more giving you my heart so you can stamp all over it. But only for this night. And tomorrow we'll talk about what we're gonna do from now on." You said looking into his eyes.
Darren nodded with a sad smile because he was happy to be able to sleep with you once more time, but he was really sad to know that it wouldn't be the same as always, because everything has changed and maybe you weren't going to be like before never again.
You went to the bedroom and lay in bed. Darren rested his head on your breast as he started to shed tears in silence. He quickly fell asleep crying and when you were sure that Darren was fast asleep, you also shed some tears in silence. It was going to be the last time you were going to sleep with Darren, the person you loved. And probably you weren't going to be together again. It was going to be the last time you were going to hold Darren in your arms before come back to NYC.
Next day you woke up before Darren. Darren's eyes were red and swollen and on his face there were some dry tears. He still had his head rested on your breast and he had one arm wrapped around your waist. You stayed quiet, looking at him sleeping for several minutes until you felt how a tear fell down your face. You quickly wiped it away and you decided it was time for you to get up if you didn't want to start crying inconsolably. Trying not to make any sudden movement to avoid waking up Darren, you got up and you started to pack your things trying not to make any noise. Darren was fast asleep at the time you finished packing. You sighed sadly before leaving the bedroom with your suitcase. You went straight to the kitchen for coffee and Joey was there. He smiled at you and offered you coffee. There was nobody else around, probably everyone was asleep. You sat at the table next to Joey.
"So... how are you this morning?" Joey asked gently.
"I could be worse." You answered looking down and taking a sip of your coffee.
"Whoa! I'm assuming that you actually talked to Darren." Joey said amazed by your answer.
"That's right. We talked about everything. He told me everything."
"What do you mean with everything? Did he...did he tell you all about him and Mia?" Joey asked carefully, widening his eyes.
"Yes. Everything. Since the time they met, how they got along well, how he loved her, how he was going to propose her, how she cheated on him, how she continued appearing in his life, how he couldn't get over her, what happened that night. He told me it all." You said raising an eyebrow and smiling bitterly.
"Oh my Rowling. That...that should have been hard for both of you." Joey said, astonished.
"Yeah. It really was." You answered biting your lips and frowning.
"I bet. But...everything's cool now, isn't it?" Joey asked gingerly.
"It depends on what you mean by cool." You looked up to him, still frowning but with a slight expression of sadness.
"Well, you know... that you and Darren will be still together, although everything that happened. That you know... you still love each other, that neither of you both are giving up on what you have." Joey asked awkwardly while you looked down again frowning and biting your lower lip. "I don't like so much that face. What happened between you both?"
"Well Joey, Darren is really confused right now, you know? He need time to think about all this, he still loves Mia and he loves me at the same time. So yeah... from now on I'm going to smile like nothings wrong, talk like everythings perfect, act like its just a dream and pretend that he's not hurting me with all of this." You said, trying to stay strong and not to cry in front of Joey. You saw how Joey shook his head.
"Well, I honestly think because someone messes up once doesn't mean that within time they can't find a way to change for the better. Yeah, Darren made a mistake, but it doesn't mean that he doesn't want to be only with you now. And so you know, love is putting up with someone's bad qualities because they somehow complete you. I always say that love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly it turns on you with a miniature machine gun. You both are in that stage, when love seems to be a miniature machine gun, but it's not gonna be like that forever. You need to find the way back to be a perky elf dancing a merry little jig." Joey said, looking at you deeply into your eyes while you just shook your head sadly.
"Yeah...but sometimes you just have to hold your head up high, blink away the tears and say goodbye. Honestly, Joey. That's we need both of us right now if we don't want to screw things even more. I cannot be with him if he still thinks about Mia. He needs to clear his mind, to figure out what he wants. And I can't be around him while he thinks that, because I'd end up even more hurt. So yeah, I'm coming back to NYC now, so he can be alone and calm." You said this time with tearful eyes, but not shedding any tear.
"So that's it right? Only one argument and you decide to give up, you decide to throw everything straight to hell?" Joey said shaking his head incredulous.
"Listen Joey... it's like, once I sat down and looked at the situation, all the pieces lying on the floor, it just wasn't a puzzle anymore. None of the pieces fit together. And even if I tried really hard, the pieces, well they were two different puzzles. That's why I did it, he needs to understand that. Nothing can be the same than before, at least for now." You said sadly and heartbrokenly.
"Yeah, sometimes things can seem so perfect, and then in a split second, it all comes and blows back up in your face, making you remember, that nothing ever works out for you. Something always fucks up your perfect thing. But let me tell you this... Not everything's gonna be picture perfect. Things sometimes take time and have rough times to get through before you can get there. But if you give up on things you want, everything you've gone through ends up being completely worthless. And you know, forgiveness is the the best weapon to fight against cheating or whatever happened between you both." Joey said firmly but gently and you just couldn't take it anymore, you broke into tears. Joey came up to you and gently he hugged you, rubbing your back till you calmed down.
"I...I forgave him, Joey. I know this all wasn't his intention. I know that, but I just...I can't be with him now...because...because I'm deeply hurt...and I need time, I need time to restore myself...and he...he need time, he need time to figure out whether he wants to be with Mia, with me or with someone else. I...I don't like this, I wish...I wish this could be easier, this could be fine...I wish everything could work for us...but now, now everything sucks! And I can't be like this. And really...really I want him to be happy and...and it doesn't matter what it'll take to be like this...and, and I guess this is the right choice for now. I don't even know what I'm doing; I don't even know what I should do. I only want...I only want to be fine again. And...and this is the best I can think for now, Joey!" You said sobbing on his shoulder while he kept rubbing your back, trying to calm you again.
"You know? You really know you love someone when all you want is for them to be happy, even if that means that you are not a part of it, and that's what you're feeling for Darren. Sorry if I sounded rude minutes earlier, it wasn't my intention. I'm just trying to make you understand that you don't have to give up. Yeah, maybe you both now need sometime alone. But you shouldn't think that Darren doesn't love you, you shouldn't think that he doesn't want to be with you. Because if Darren told all about him and Mia it's because he really loves you and he really doesn't want to lose you. This is hard for Darren, he barely talks about all of this with someone and I and Chuck are the only ones who know the completely story between him and Mia. Now you know it too. So it's not a minor detail. I wish things could be different for you both too, especially knowing how you both love to be with each other. Take your time, but don't give up. Can you do that?" Joey said, looking at you kindly as you wiped your tears away.
"I can't promise anything, Joey. But I swear I'm gonna try. Thanks, for everything." You said sincerely, looking into his eyes and Joey smiled at you and patted your hair.
You and Joey kept talking for a while and he really made you feel better. You didn't know why Joey was this kind with you, but you liked it and you were really glad for that. He was the one who helped you all this time, and if it wasn't for him right now you'd be depressed and really lost. You honestly could call him a friend of yours, even though you couldn't believe it, he proved you the opposite. You just felt comfortable with him. After half an hour, Darren popped in the kitchen, rubbing his eyes and with his hair completely messed up. He looked at you with a sad smile and sat in front of you without talking. He looked really terrible.
"Morning buddy! I know exactly what you need." Joey said tapping Darren's shoulder as he gave him a cup of coffee. Darren smiled slightly, still sad.
"Thanks, man." Darren said hoarsely.
"It's nothing. Well, now if you both excuse me, I'm gonna take a shower cause I stink alcohol." Joey said laughing and he left the kitchen.
That was an awkward moment. Both of you stayed silent while Darren kept drinking his coffee and both of you were avoiding each other's eyes. Then Darren put aside his cup of coffee and placed his arm on the table, resting his head on his hand, looking at the table, his sight lost.
"How are you?" You asked almost in a whisper to break the awkward silence. Darren looked up at you surprised at the sound of your voice.
"Same old." Darren answered hoarsely, looking away. "You?"
"Just here." You said also looking away but after a few seconds you looked at him. He'd rested his head on the table with his eyes closed. "Darren, we need to talk."
"Hmmm." Darren muttered hoarsely still with his eyes closed and his head rested on the table.
"I'm serious, Darren." You said shortly and Darren opened his eyes to look at you with a tearful glance.
"I don't want you to go." Darren said, his voice choked.
"Darren..." You whispered.
"Please. Let's forget everything that happened. I want you here with me. I need you here with me. Don't leave me please." Darren begged you, still with his voice choked and hoarse.
"We need time alone. You need time alone, you... we talked about this already." You said trying to hide your sadness.
"We can make this work. You...I... I thought we were meant to be togheter. I feel in that way."
"Darren... listen. It's not that I'm saying we aren't meant to be together, I think that we're just not ready for forever. And I really can't be here if I'm not sure of all of this. You know? Sometimes we all need a little alone time. It doesn't mean we are mad, upset, shy or anything else, we all need some space." You said, trying to avoid his gaze because you knew if you looked into his eyes you'd change your mind.
"I don't want you to leave. I'm scared that you won't come back never again. Sometimes distance is good, but sometimes it takes you nowhere. And if we aren't together, we'll never have a chance to work this out. We need to do this together." Darren said grabbing your hands still with choked voice.
"Don't be scared. Somehow I know we'll meet again, not quite sure where and not sure when, you're in my heart so until then I'm gonna say goodbye. Actually I'm gonna say see you later. Trust me, it's not that I want to go away, but it's what I think is the best for both of us now. You'll feel better when you get to figure out what is what you want. I'm sorry Darren, and believe when I say that the last thing I want to do is to hurt you. Now, really I should go, my flight it's in about two hours. I'm sorry." You said, squeezing Darren's hands and looking into his eyes this time.
"Promise me we'll see again."
"I promise you, Darren."
"Can I...can I have your phone number? You know, just in case..." Darren asked shyly.
"Yes, of course you can." You said smiling slightly and you gave him your phone number, but you didn't ask which was his.
"Boo...before you leave...Can I hug you one more time?" Darren asked with his sad puppy dog eyes when you both were already in the front door.
"C'mere." You smiled kindly and hugged Darren thightly.
That was an emotional moment. You felt tightness in the breast and you wanted to mourn because it really hurt you deep in the soul to leave Darren, and that hug meant that you weren't sure how long you'd be unable to see him again. That hug meant that perhaps would be the last hug because you weren't sure if things between you two were going to work out again. Darren was hugging you very thightly while he rested his head on your shoulder. The hug lasted few minutes, neither of you two wanted to break it. But then you broke the hug to kiss him on his cheek as Darren closed his eyes, shedding some tears.
"See you later, Darren."
You turned around to leave that house and to come back to NYC. When you were far away from the house you couldn't help it but mourn endlessly.
FOUR DAYS LATER...
You were back in NYC and you thought this could make you feel better, but it was the opposite. You missed Darren like hell. It didn't matter how hard you tried to keep your mind busy, all the time you found yourself thinking about Darren. You started to wonder if you took the right decision because you weren't feeling any better. You wanted to be with Darren, you wanted to spend time with him, and you wanted to cuddle up to him, to kiss him, to make him smile. You wanted to see his eyes again, his smile, you wanted to run your fingers through his curls again. You couldn't help it. As much as you wanted to give him time to settle down things, you really needed him. But you knew you couldn't regret, you knew that for now that was the best option even though it was killing you. And not knowing absolutely anything about him was making you feel desperate. He had your number, but he didn't text you nor call you. You even haven't received a letter from him. Yes, you understood he needed time to think and actually you were the one who told you Darren to do this, so it was understandable. But you really needed someone to talk to; you couldn't be alone in this time because you were getting worse over time. You looked in your agenda April's phone number, maybe you could talk to her. Maybe April could help you to carry on all of this, she always did so. Yes, you didn't want to bug her, but she was the only one who could help you, and you both were really good friends. You dialed the phone number and waited until she answered.
"Hello?" April's voice said friendly.
"April? Hey, it's me!" You answered just as friendly.
"Yes, it's me!" You laughed. April started to call you like that since the time you joked about your height and now it turned into her pet name for you.
"Oh my God, Shorty! It's so amazing to hear your voice! It's has been a while since the last time I got any news from you! How have you been?" April's voice sounded excited.
"I know right? I'm sorry about that, I wasn't in NYC and well, it has happened a lot lately!"
"Oh well, that sounds really interesting. I think someone had a good time in her vacation!"
"Oh no, no. I don't like the sound of your voice. I have free time right now so you're telling me everything that happened recently as you said!"
"Yes, actually that's why I called. I really need to talk to someone right now. And well, you're my best friend. But I didn't want to bug you..."
"Oh Shorty! You never bug me! So spit it out! I'm here to listen all your news."
"Alright. I don't even know where to start. It's about...do you remember the mysterious guy?"
"How could I forget him? That speacial sweet boy that drives you crazy? Of course I remember him! Has something wrong happened with him?"
"No, I don't know...Well, I never told you before and I'm sorry for that but I guess...I guess I wasn't ready to tell anyone, you know...Uhmm, I didn't even can believe it and well...so yeah..."
"Oh Shorty, although is cute to hear you rambling, please calm down. It's okay you didn't tell me before, you're telling me now right? So don't worry about it!"
"Yes, that's right. Well, I met him about six months ago. I mean, I met him in person."
"Oh my god! Oh my god! What? What? Oh please, how is he? Is he as cute as you imagined him? How did you meet? Did you spend time together? Oh this is bunch of new information!" April said really excited and you giggled at her reaction.
"Whoa! Now you're the one who needs to calm down!" You laughed and April did the same. "Alright. Yes, I met him about six months ago; he told me he was ready to meet me in person so he prepared a really cute surprise. Remember that large tree he mentioned me to go at the Central Park? Well, he asked me to go there and then he prepared some kinds of clues, you know how much he loves TinTin and all that! So I had to follow those clues and well, at the end I met him following those clues. And yes, he's as cute as I imagined, even cuter. He's a wonderful person, a totally awesome person very cute, sweet, smart, funny and handsome, and sexy and..."
"Oh well, well, I think someone is in love!" April laughed.
"Yes, actually yes. I'm in love with him. Like seriously. So yes, since that time...since that time we spent all the time together. Like, we were all day together. Even we slept together, just cuddling because yes, we were only friends. But he was this kind of adorable person, that…I let myself to fall in love with him. And we…we had something special, you know? We weren't like normal friends…we spent almost of our time cuddling, talking and I felt so comfortable with him, like I felt in a way I didn't feel in years! And he was feeling as good as I was feeling. It's like…I don't know I feel different whenever I'm with him like, you know, I feel safe with him. I loved being hold in his arms. And I've never been this happy when I'm with him, as if nothing more matters but him, like there's no more sadness. And god, he's so beautiful, so beautiful. I couldn't be his friend any longer because…because I was feeling different. I…I wanted to kiss him, you know. When I was with him the most I wanted was to kiss him. But, you know…I couldn't lose a friend."
"Did you kiss him?"
"Yes. I did. But not in that time."
"Is that the reason why you're like this?"
"No. No actually."
"Alright, I listen to you."
"Well, yeah. Then he had to come back to LA. And I was sad, but at the same time I was happy because finally I met him. Well, we kept sending each other letters and all. Then I started my vacation…and he bought me a plane ticket to go to LA the entire month, I was going to stay at his place. So of course I said yes! I really wanted to see him again."
"Oh please, this guy is so cute! He bought you a plane ticket to be with you! Anyway, he seems to be rich or something, I mean…he gave you so many things!"
"Yeah, well…he is…he's kinda famous. He's not a…uhmm, a normal person. Yeah…" You said a bit uncomfortable.
"Kinda famous? What do you mean? Oh god, do I know him? Who's this guy? What's his name?" April asked intrigued.
"Yeah, you may know him…He's…well, he's Darren Criss." There was a silence for a few seconds.
"What the hell? Darren Criss? Harry freakin' Potter? Blaine? Toby? Darren Criss, the singer?" April asked, freaking out and amazed.
"Yes, Darren Criss. Please, don't tell this to anyone!"
"Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! You kissed Darren freakin' Criss! Oh my fucking god!" April squealed.
"Yes, I did. But please, don't…don't say a word about this, April please. I trust you, that's why I'm telling you all of this."
"I promise I won't say a word. But oh damn! You met Darren Criss, you stayed at his place, oh you cuddled with him, oh you kissed him! Oh damn!"
"Yes, yes. But…wait, wait. I didn't finish telling you everything."
"Oh my god. Okay, I'm listening. Oh crap." April said, trying to control her excitement.
"Well, yeah. So I stayed at his place, and I met his brother and his friends. And then was this night…we were at a party and I was tipsy and I…I wanted to try doing body shots…"
"Oh holy crap! Did you do body shots with Darren Criss?"
"No, I didn't. There was Joey dancing with me…"
"Yes, Joey Richter."
"Oh my god!"
"Yeah…well, I did body shots with Joey and…we both were drunk, and well…we kissed."
"Oh shit, you kissed Joey Richter!"
"Yes, but because we were drunk and all. And then…well, Darren saw all that and…Uhmm, he punched Joey on the face. Then, he…called me…well, he said I was a whore and I was, I was so sad and yes, I ran away from there. Darren tried to talk to me but I wasn't ready, I wanted to come back to NYC. Next morning I was leaving, but then I heard Chuck and Darren talking, and that made me change my mind. I decided to talk to Darren, he was sorry. We talked. He was jealous; he told me a lot of wonderful things. He told me he loved me, and it wasn't friendship love. He told me I was his best friend and his love; that he was in love with me. He told me that his life was a mess until I came up. And that was the time we kissed."
"Oh wow. Darren Criss loves you! He told you he loves you. Do you realize it? Oh wow! Are you dating now or something? Oh god, this is a lot, really a lot of new information and the best one! I'm completely astonished!"
"Yes, well, but there's something else. We went to this house; he has a house at the beach. So yes, and there were his StarKid friends, a lot of them. That night we had a party, a bonfire and that. And then, Mia came to the party."
"Yes, Mia Swier. Well, she was nice in front of everybody. But then we went for a walk, and she said really awful things. Something like I was stupid and naïve if I thought I could have any chance with Darren, that Darren and she were…uhmm, that they get along so well, you know in bed and all that. She told me that Darren can't be away from her because she can give him all I can't."
"You didn't believe that, right?"
"No, I didn't. I knew Darren and I didn't know her, so yeah, I trusted Darren. But then…then suddenly I went to the kitchen, and Mia and Darren were making out, like really. I don't know what happened there but I felt so damn bad because I thought Darren and I had something. I mean, he told me he loved me and that I changed his life and all, but then he was making out with Mia. I didn't know what the hell was going on, the only I knew is that I felt so stupid, somehow I felt betrayed. Because, you know, all that time I was making up things in my mind that weren't, because Darren never mentioned that we had something, but I thought we…I really thought…" You started to stammer because you couldn't hold back your tears any longer while you were remembering all that.
"Shorty, calm down. Have you talked with Darren about this?"
"Yes, I have. We…he told me everything that happened between he and Mia since the first time they met. He was really in love with her; he told me that she has hurt him and now it was hard for him to believe in love again, he's scared to start something with someone because he's scared that someone can break his heart again…he told me he's not completely over Mia. He told me he still thinks about her, but also he feels sick when thinks about her, but he's not over her. He told me again he loved me. But he's confused, so confused and I can't…I've been hurt in my life, you know that. And I can't be with someone who isn't sure if wants to be with me or not. And it really hurts me and I can't stand it because I really love him, but he's confused and I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what to do! We…we decided to take a while, to think about what we want. And I want to be with him, but I cannot be with him, and everything's a mess and I think about him all the time. I can't stop thinking about him, and I want him back. But he cannot do it because he's not sure, and if we're together while he's not sure, everything's gonna go to hell and I don't want that. But neither I want be without him. And…I'm so sad, I'm so broken. I don't know what I'm supposed to do; I don't know what to do to stop thinking about him. Everything's a complete mess right now, April! Wanting him is hard to forget, loving him is hard to regret, losing him is hard to accept, but even with all the hurt I've felt, letting go is the most painful yet."
"Yeah, I know. Love hurts. I say that because I know. Love is... or was amazing. It's an incredible feeling to know what he's going to say. It's more incredible the way he has me on the edge of my seat because he's so completely random, I never know what's coming next. It's hard to explain, but he filled some void in me, and now, without him, I'm missing something again. I wonder if it will ever truly, whole heartedly be filled again. I just don't want to know what it's like to hurt any more. And I still find myself thinking about him and how life used to be when we were together; I wonder what he's doing and I wonder if I ever cross his mind; then I start to cry and I tell myself what are I'm crying for. In my mind, I just want to forget and move on but my heart is more powerful and I still have love for him. I can close my ears to something I don't want to hear, I could close my eyes to something I don't want to see, but I can't close my heart to something I don't want to feel. And oh damn, what the hell do you do when the only person who can stop your tears is the one making you cry?"
"Listen, Shorty. It's hard to accept, but you can't change the past. You can't go back and manipulate things to the way you wanted them to happen. Because life would be meaningless and boring and just not worth living. But you can change the future and that's a beautiful thing about life. Yes, you will make mistakes. And yes, you will have bad days, but as long as you let the past go, you'll have such a gorgeous and bright future ahead of you. Knowing that things were meant to happen. Knowing that each day you will learn something so that you keep growing to be a better person. Life is like a rope, twined in all its complexities and yet weaved into one marvelous stream that you have the chance you use something amazing from. So grab hold of it. Of course, you're going to get your heart broken. And it isn't just going to happen once, but a lot. That's just part of growing up, and it makes you stronger. Then you can handle it better next time. You may not get through it yourself, but your friends will help you through it. And you'll be a stronger person because of it. Then one day someone will come along, and it'll all pay off and no one will ever break your heart again. And yeah, we're afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person doesn't care at all. But judging for what you told me, Darren cares about you and he's only confused. You may think now that everything's hopeless now, that nothing can improve; but it's not like that actually, you only have to give it time. And if at the end both of you realize you weren't meant to be together, well I'm not gonna lie, you'll feel like crap. But you'll get over it, and you'll always have a friend to lean on and who's gonna help you overcome that rough situation. Right now, you just need time for yourself. Yes, maybe you can't stop thinking about him. If you can't do it, then you need to start doing things, to go out, to enjoy all you have. Keep your mind busy doing all those things you always wanted to do, it's gonna help you. With time, you're gonna stop thinking about him. And then it's gonna come the time you both are gonna decide what's the best for both. But meanwhile, don't think about it so much, because it's gonna hurt you. Right now, all you have to do it's to find time to relax and have fun."
"I know April, and thank you for your words. But I honestly don't know what I could do. It's like I don't want to do anything. I feel so weak and downhearted."
"Fine. I'm gonna tell you what to do. In three weeks it's my birthday and I'm gonna have a party. I want you to come and have fun, and I don't want you to say no. You're required to attend the party."
"Yes, it sounds good." You giggled and wiped away your tears.
"That's what I wanted to hear, darling. Promise me you'll be better? And whenever you feel down again, don't doubt to call me again."
"I promise. Thank you, April. Really thank you."
"It's alright, Shorty. Now I have to go to classes, but please remember if you feel bad…"
"I'm gonna call you, yes. Thanks again, April. I hope you can have a great day!"
"You too. Bye my friend!"
You hung up and lay on bed, thinking about everything that April told you. She was right, you needed to do things for yourself and stop thinking about Darren. You decided that from that day on you were going to do that.
THREE WEEKS LATER…
That night was April's birthday party and you really didn't want to go, but you thought it maybe could help you to think about something else instead thinking about Darren. You tried to do what April has told you to do, you really tried hard, but that didn't happen. Every time you were trying to focus in something else, Darren popped on your thoughts again. You couldn't help it. In three weeks you haven't received news from Darren. That really felt weird. You couldn't stop wonder if Darren missed you as much as you missed him. Maybe he didn't miss you at all; otherwise he'd have sent you a text. He didn't even send you a text telling you that he'd been thinking and he didn't want to be with you. On the one hand, you really wanted him to send you a text to know about him, to know how he was, to know if he still was thinking about you. On the other hand, you didn't want him to send you a text because you had no idea what he could say to you, you weren't ready to receive a bad new from him. Anyway, with time you started to think that maybe it was time to forget all the fantasies you've imagined with Darren, maybe you both weren't meant to be together so that was the reason why you've been through this. You couldn't stand this feeling any longer so you said to yourself that it was time to go out to the world and meet new people, maybe you could find one person who could be completely with you, maybe you could find someone who could give you all you needed, maybe you could find someone who wasn't confused for his feelings. So if things were going to be like that, it was time to forget Darren until he had some kind of decision and you needed to enjoy your time and stop thinking about him because it was taking you to nowhere. So maybe this party could help you to do that.
You arrived to the party and there were a lot of people. Wow, April really had a lot of friends. Everyone was happy, dancing and drinking while you tried to find April in middle of the crowded place. Finally you found her; she was talking to a girl. You walked through they were. As soon as April saw you, she hugged you tightly.
"Shorty! I'm so damn happy that you decided to come!" April said with a big smile offering you a drink which you accepted. "Let me introduce you Claire. Claire, she's Shorty my letter-friend that I talked you about. Shorty, this is Claire, my girlfriend." She said proudly, looking at Claire happily.
"It's so nice to meet you finally, Shorty! April has talked me a lot about you!" Claire said with a big smile and you smiled back.
"Really? Well, I'm so glad to meet you too. I didn't know you both were dating already! That makes me so happy!" You said smiling widely.
"Yes, we were dating since three months ago!" April said, grabbing Claire's hand. "Shorty, please feel free to drink whatever you want!"
"Yeah, be sure of that." You laughed and they did the same.
You were really happy that April finally was dating with Claire. It took too long for her to start talking with Claire and now, seeing them so happy with each other actually made you smile. You were just there standing and drinking while someone appeared behind you, making you startle.
"Oh well, well, look who's here! The Drama Queen!" A man's voice said.
You turned away to see who this guy was. You recognized him, it was a guy called Matt and he was your fellow in your theatre classes. He was a pretty handsome guy. He was tall and he had big green eyes with blonde hair. Why was Matt there anyway? You never talked too much with him. He was really great; he was the funniest of the entire class. Anyway, you were glad that there was someone you knew to talk to.
"Drama Queen, really?" You looked at him amused as he nodded smiling.
"Yeah, you're the best when it's about drama scenes. I always wanted to perform with you, you know, to see if I can learn a little drama from you. But I always end up being the goofiest in the class!" Matt said laughing and you laughed along with him.
"Well yeah, you're hilarious. I can't stop laughing whenever it's your turn to perform. I wonder how it'd end if we perform together. It could be quite interesting. The Drama Queen and The Goofy King. Make it like a movie." You winked and giggled.
"I'm up for that. Maybe we should convince Mr. Thompson to allow us perform together." Matt said smiling.
"Oh well, I think he could listen to you. I'm not sure if he's interested in girls." You said, raising an eyebrow and laughing.
"You have a point there. Leave it up to me. I'm gonna do it." Matt said laughing.
"Hey guys, do you know each other?" April asked behind you, intrigued.
"Yes, we're in the same theatre class." You answered smiling.
"Really, Matt? You never told me!" April said surprised. "She's my friend, who I met through letters, remember?"
"Really? Oh well, well, look how small the world is!" Matt said amazed. "I'm April's cousin." Matt said looking at you.
"Oh wow. Indeed the world is super small! So many coincidences that if we keep like this it's gonna turn creepy!" You said laughing.
"I'd have to agree with that, Shorty. Okay guys, have fun! Claire is calling me!" April said and before she left he looked at you with an amused smile and winked at you. Wow, you really didn't know what she meant with that.
"So…do you wanna dance? It's quite boring being at a party and not dance." Matt said to you still smiling.
"Yes, I don't wanna be the dead rubber of the party." You said raising your eyebrows.
"You won't, get ready to have a blast!" Matt said excited.
When Matt said you were going to have a blast, he wasn't lying. He was really funny and friendly. Next to him you couldn't stop dancing and laughing. You wondered why you never talked to him enough, he was pretty awesome. At some point of the night, you both went to get something to drink. You were a little tired to have been dancing as insanely as you were so after getting those drinks you sat on a table near there. You were joking and laughing when suddenly your phone buzzed. You looked at it and your face changed completely. An unknown number had sent you a text.
From unknown number: I've been lying here all night, listening to the rain. Talking to my heart and trying to explain. Why sometimes I catch myself wondering what might have been. Yes I do think about you, every now and then. This is my number, I'm Darren.
Your heart skipped a beat and you got a little nervous and sad at the same time. What the hell was this you were feeling? You were expecting the moment Darren texted you and when it happened you weren't feeling good. You didn't know what to think. Why did he have to text you just when you were trying to stop thinking of him, when you were having fun? You were in the middle of a party and you couldn't just cry there, and less in front of Matt. You couldn't answer in that moment. Why was he texting you this after three weeks? You were trying to get over him and he just texted you. You decided that you weren't to answer him and you were going to enjoy your time with Matt. But your mood weren't the same as before. Now you were serious and frowning slightly. Then your phone buzzed again.
From Darren: Sorry, I know it's late. But…are you awake?
You frowned again and put you phone aside, but after a few seconds you phone buzzed over again.
From Darren: You surely are sleeping. I just wanted to say that I miss you like hell.
You bit your lower lip and tried to hold back your tears. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that Darren could make you change your feelings from one minute to another. You only wanted to enjoy the party but now you couldn't. Now you wanted to be in you apartment and just think about Darren again. You hated that party, you hated being with Matt, you hated this thing Darren was making you feel. You put your phone away and you looked away frowning. No doubt Matt had noticed your change of mood.
"Whoa! It seems that someone unwanted texted you. Is everything alright?" Matt asked looking at you.
"Yeah…it's nothing." You answered, still looking away and frowning. You really wanted to leave the party.
"It doesn't seem like nothing. Who was it?"
"Just a guy."
"Mmm, a guy. Yeah, I got it. This guy and you have something complicated; maybe a love affair that it's not working and after a long, finally you received news from him, probably telling you that he misses you." Matt said, crossing his arms and raising an eyebrow, still staring at you intently as you looked at him astonished.
"Oh hell. How can you know all that?"
"Oh well, I've been there. It's not so hard to guess, though." Matt said shrugging. "So, is that you who don't want to see him or it's because you broke up but the guy keeps insisting?"
"Oh damn, Matt. Well…it's kinda complicate." You answered a little uncomfortable.
"No need to feel uncomfortable with me. You know, you can talk to me about this. By your face I can notice that you need someone to talk to. We can go outside if you want a quiet place." Matt said smiling kindly.
"Alright, yes. I prefer to go outside." You answered looking at your lap.
You both went outside and sat cross-legged on the floor. You started to tell Matt your entire story with Darren but without mentioning his name. You didn't even know why you were telling him all of this, but for some reason Matt made you feel comfortable and he was being really friendly with you. You even felt better when you told him all that and it seemed as if you weren't bugging him, he really was paying attention to you and he was trying to understand you. He didn't interrupt you, he didn't say anything to you when you finished, he just listened to you and that was what you needed. To be listened not to be advised. He understood that you weren't feeling so good and all you needed in that moment was to go to your place and just rest, so he drove you to your apartment. When you arrived, he walked you to your front door, and before leaving, he told you some words.
"I only want you to know a little something that took me a long to realize and it may help you. Everything is like if you can't laugh at the same joke again and again, then you should stop crying over the same thing over and over again. Your relationship ended. Not your life, so move on. There are still good things and you cannot notice them if you don't move on. I hope things can work for you; it's not good someone like you as sad as you are. Have a good sleep, and we'll see later."
You smiled at him and he left. When you were completely alone, you cried but you decided that you shouldn't be like this forever as Matt has told you. You fell asleep without replying Darren's text. Maybe the best would be if you don't answer him until the time you get to feel better.
THE NEXT DAY…
You woke up by the sound of your phone. You rubbed your eyes and grabbed your phone to read the text.
From Darren: You know boo? I know I haven't been around but that doesn't mean I stopped loving you.
You looked at the text frowning. You really didn't know what Darren was trying to do with all those texts. You didn't know if he even was thinking about what he really wanted. Because, if he really wanted to be with you because he realized that what he was feeling for Mia was in the past, why wouldn't he just tell you so? But no, he kept texting those things that made you feel even more confused. Maybe Darren was feeling alone, so he wanted to talk to you but it didn't mean that he really was ready to start a relationship with you. Maybe the only thing that Darren needed was to talk with you because he didn't want to face his feelings, but even though you wanted to help him, you couldn't do it because you didn't want to end up hurt. You were going to talk to Darren the time he finally takes a decision. So instead replying him, you went to the kitchen to take some coffee and start painting. After several minutes he texted you again.
From Darren: I was thinking that you never know what you have until you lose it, and once you lose it, you can never get it back and I'm really scared to have lost you. Because I want to get you back. I really need you.
You put your phone aside to try to not think in those words that Darren just told you. You knew if you read it again, you'd answer him because that was what you wanted to do. You wanted to tell him that you also needed him, that you also wanted him back and that couldn't happen. You tried to come back again to your painting, but you phone buzzed again.
From Darren: But you know? A million words wouldn't bring you back, I know because I've tried, neither would a million tears, I know I've cried. I'd like to see you again.
You needed to clear your mind, to stop thinking of Darren, because you were feeling in the same you were feeling the last weeks again. You decided to take a shower, maybe it'd help you to put away all you were thinking. Once you finished your shower, there were a lot of texts from Darren. It was even a missed call from him.
From Darren: Today is just one of those days where everything I did reminded me of you and every song I heard somehow related to you. I hate days like today, because they remind me of the one thing I don't have.
From Darren: I wish you could be with me now.
From Darren: I'm missing you; I'd like to hug you right now. Remember when we used to cuddle when we were happy? Even we cuddled when one of us or both of us were sad. I need that now. I really would like to know how you are.
From Darren: I've been thinking a lot these days. I couldn't take you away from my mind. Hope things are working for you; I wouldn't like to know you're bad.
From Darren: Why didn't you answer my phone call? Are you still asleep? It's almost noon. I hope you can reply me once you get all of this. I love you.
You really didn't know what to do. Damn, he really knew the way to make you want reply him, to make you love him. Darren really wasn't feeling good, you could notice it and that was what made you feel even worse. Maybe you could reply him. But what would you tell him? You couldn't tell him you loved him, even though that was the truth, because you wouldn't help him to figure out what he really wanted if you tell him so. You couldn't tell him how you were really feeling because it'd make feel Darren even worse. You couldn't even tell Darren that you missed him so much because he probably would tell you that he wanted to meet you again and he wasn't ready for that. Not at least if he really wanted this to work out. You needed to do another thing to distract yourself. You decided to text April.
To April: How do you get up from an all-time low?
From April: Oh well, it seems that things got worse. See you in 20 in our usual Starbucks shop.
You quickly changed your clothes to leave your apartment. When you arrived to the Starbucks shop, April was already there with your coffee order. You walked up to where she was and sat in front of her.
"What has happened now?" April asked as soon as you approached her, a little concerned.
You sighed before telling April all that happened since the party. You told her how much fun you were having with Matt, how you were getting along well. You told her how then Darren texted you and how it changed your mood. You told her how Matt listened to you when you explained him what was going on with you. You told her how Matt walked you to your apartment and he was so kind with you in that hard moment for you and when you needed someone. Then you told her all the texts that Darren had sent you and how he'd called you, but you didn't reply. April stayed silent until you finished telling her everything that happened.
"How are you feeling about all of this?" April asked quietly.
"I don't know. I mean, in that moment I really wanted to reply him because although I know he really needs time to think and it's better if I don't mess his thoughts by replying him; I still love him so much. And he truly seemed sad; it really seemed as if he needed someone to talk to. And yes, it made me feel bad because I hate to know he's not doing alright and I'm here without doing anything about it, and I cannot be idly while I know he needs me, or at least knowing that he needs someone. But I decided to stop listening what my heart wanted to do and instead I listened what my mind thought the right thing to do was; and that's why I didn't reply him. But honestly I don't know any more if I'm doing the right thing. What if he thinks I don't care at all? What if he thinks I don't have feelings for him anymore? And worse yet, what if he thinks I only wanted to be with him just for fun and to spend only a few days, if he thinks I played with him like a touch and go? I don't want him to feel like that, because it's not like that. And it'll kill me if he thinks I forgot him. I only want to do the right thing but I don't know any longer what the right thing is." You said, looking at your lap confused and frustrated. April stayed silent for few minutes, just looking at you.
"Okay. There's a moment when you need to think only about yourself and not about how the other person would feel. This doesn't mean you're selfish. It means that first you have to think of yourself to learn how to love yourself, then when you get it, that's gonna be the time to take the right decision. Because only when you get to love and respect yourself, you're gonna be ready to love someone else. I'm not saying that you don't love Darren because I know you do; I can see that in your eyes. What I'm trying to say is that you love him but you don't realize that your feelings also matter. You worry too much about how he may be feeling but you don't worry about how you're feeling and that's not good. You don't want him to be sad; you don't want him to be hurt. But, what about you? What are you doing for yourself? Nothing but being sad. You're losing so many amazing things because you're only worried about something which answer and solution will come only with time. There's not so much you can do about it. And I'm not saying that you should give up on him, so don't get me wrong. I'm just saying that you can't take the right decision while you're feeling this crap. Taking decisions in a crappy mood will make you take the wrong decision. Because you're gonna take a decision only to finish this situation as fast as you can because of fear to lose him. And if you really love him and he really loves you, you don't have to worry about losing each other because real love doesn't end with time, real love doesn't end with distance. If what you both feel is real love, the solution will come when you less expect, as long as you don't push it. If you want to text him back, go ahead. But don't push him nor push yourself. Let him know how you feel and what you want. Because this isn't only about him, it's about you too because you know that love involves two people and not only one. Text him if you know you're not gonna feel worse and meanwhile enjoy your life. If things between the two of you is gonna work, you don't want him to see you like crap, you'd want him to see you happy because everybody loves seeing someone smiling. And if things don't work for you both and you didn't enjoy your life in waiting, you'll feel really bad as if you wasted your time. And now you have Matt, you told me you both got along well. Well, maybe you could enjoy your time with him. And don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to say that you should start a love affair with him to not think about Darren. But you can be friends; friends always make you feel better. And you and Matt share a lot of things, I mean you have much in common and even though he's the goofiest man I know, he's a good boy. So, think about it Shorty." April said looking deeply into your eyes.
"Yeah, but seriously it's easier to say it than doing it." You sighed frustrated although you knew she was right.
"Well, nobody said it was going to be easy. But if you don't try you'll never know." April said shrugging and smiling to encourage you.
"Guess you have a point. I'll try, I promise." You said smiling lightly and trying to think positively.
You spent all day with April, planning things for a next meeting. You really liked spend your time with April because she always was there for you, and she was comprehensive and kind with you, and she also knew the way to make you feel better and laugh. You could talk to her about everything and that made you really happy. It was late in the afternoon so you both decided to come back to your respective apartments.
You were already in your apartment when you received a text from Darren.
From Darren: It's really late and I'm sure you already read all my texts. Did I do something that really bugged you? I don't know, I'm wondering if the reason why you didn't text me back is because you don't want to talk to me. I'd really like to know it. I still think of you.
You tried to take the advice that April told you. It was time to reply Darren and let him know how you were feeling, but you had to reply him in a way that wouldn't hurt his feelings. And you needed to do it to know if you really could get worse, if you could do this. You took a breath before replying him.
To Darren: You wonder why I don't talk to you anymore and please believe me when I say it's not that I don't want to; it's just that everything I want to say I can't tell you anymore.
After several minutes thinking if you should answer him or not, you pressed send. You were a little nervous because you didn't know how Darren would take this. But you needed to do it, you needed to let him know that you really wanted to talk to him but right now you couldn't. But four hours passed and he didn't reply back. Maybe he didn't take it in a good way. Maybe you just screwed everything by replying that. Or maybe he was busy. The truth was that you didn't know. You didn't know almost anything about Darren, about how he really was, what he was doing, with who he was. So you really couldn't know what the reason he didn't reply back was. Maybe he was upset with you because you weren't replying him so he just didn't want to reply you. But you were sure that he wasn't going to reply you now and you couldn't wait for his reply all night long. So you just went to bed and tried to keep Darren away from your mind to try to sleep. Before falling asleep you checked your phone. There was no reply from Darren yet.
You woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. You didn't know what time it was so you checked your phone, still with your eyes half closed. As soon as you checked your phone, you got wide awake. There were ten missed calls from Darren and a text.
From Darren: Why do you keep ignoring my calls? I really would like to talk to you now.
To Darren: I'm sorry. I was sleeping.
You answered quickly as soon as you read his text. Five seconds later your phone started to buzz. It was an incoming call from Darren.
"Hi?" You answered your phone, trying not to sound nervous.
"Hi boo, I'm sorry I didn't know you were sleeping." Darren said. Oh you really missed to hear his voice.
"It's alright." You really didn't know what to say, you were freaking out because after a long you were hearing Darren's voice and you couldn't help it but missing him.
"It's really nice to hear your voice again." Darren said. It seemed as if Darren was smiling and you smiled goofily.
"It's nice to hear yours too, Darren."
"I really miss you, you know?" Darren said a little sad and that made you feel bad.
"Yeah…me too. But…"
"I really wanted to talk to you. Sorry I didn't reply your text quickly, I was working. But as soon as I read it I just wanted to talk to you, and I couldn't do it by texts."
"Don't worry…Uhm, well…wha-what did you want to tal-talk about?" You stammered and you cursed yourself for that. You weren't supposed to be this nervous.
"Well, you told me that you wanted to talk to me, but you couldn't because all the things you wanted to say me you couldn't tell me any longer. What's that? I mean…What does it mean?" Darren asked a little confused and sad at the same time.
"You know what it means…I…listen Darren, I really don't know what I'm doing. I'm confused and I need time to think as you need it too."
"Yeah. I've been thinking, a lot. And I always end up thinking about the same. It didn't take me so long to realize what I really want, what really makes me happy. Yeah, I was confused, but that's because I've been a fool."
"No you aren't a fool. I get why you…"
"Yes, I've been a fool. Can I ask you something?"
"Yeah, go ahead."
"Have you ever loved me? Like, really loved me? Please be honest." Darren said firmly and you got nervous all of a sudden. Why was he asking you this? It seemed as if what you told April about your fear was coming true.
"And…Do you still love me?"
"Yes, I do." You said almost in a whisper. You didn't know what Darren point was with all of this, but you needed to be honest with him.
"I love you too, I really do. When you said you were confused…are you confused about me? Aren't you sure you love me?"
"Something like that…but at the same time it's not like that. You know? I'm kind of a mess right now. I don't know what to think. I love you, yes. But I'm not sure if we're doing the right thing. I mean…you…it didn't work the last time. And you were confused because you still love Mia and suddenly you texted me all those things. And yes, I can't stop thinking about you and what's going happen next between us and that's hurting me. So I decided to…I decided to start living my life and not to think about you this much, but then you sent me those texts and I don't know what to think. Yes, maybe I was trying to forget you, but I can't because I love you. And I cannot love you because it's getting me nowhere, because you…you're not ready. Then you tell me you love me. Why? Why do you tell me that? You shouldn't do that because…you know? It hurts. It hurts to hear you saying you love me and I'm here loving you, but at the same time you love Mia, and it makes me so frustrated because I don't want to love someone who loves two people at the same time. Why do you this, Darren? And I'm sorry if I'm saying all this, but you really need to know how I feel too, because…you're not the only one who's feeling bad. I feel bad too and it seems it doesn't matter at all." As soon as you finished saying all that, you regretted. You were sad and upset at the same time and you really didn't think of your words before saying them. There was an awkward silence that lasted several seconds.
"That was really honest." Darren said softly and his voice sounded a little choked. "I really care about you, so don't say it seems it doesn't matter because it's not like that. Honestly if you thought it didn't matter to me you were really stupid because it's the opposite. I sent you all those texts because I really wanted to know about you, I really wanted to know if you were feeling the same than me. Guess what? I don't regret those texts. I said I love you because I truly meant that. Yes, I love you and you're the only one I love. I don't love Mia. Yes, I loved her; yes, I was confused. No, I don't love her any longer; no, I'm not confused any longer. Yes, I was a fool because I cannot believe I was confused because you're the only one who was and is worth it. You tried to forget me; I tried to get you back. What are we gonna do with this?" Darren's voice sounded a little pushy, jaundiced and dreary but he was gently at the same time.
"I don't know." You answered, guiltily and a little sad. You really wanted to cry because you knew you just screwed it, and you didn't mean it.
"Right." Darren answered shortly and both of you stayed in silence for a while. "I just want to warn you something. I'm this kind of man who is really pigheaded. So I just wanted to let you know that if you think I'm giving up on you, you're crazy, and if you think that I don't love you, well then you're just plain wrong. I don't know what is gonna happen between us, but I'm sure of one thing. I'll do whatever it takes to make this work. If I have to bang against a wall to realize that this is not gonna work, I'll do it, it's gonna be worthwhile. But I'm not gonna be here, idly, if I know I have a minimal chance to get you back. I'm not gonna push you onto something you don't want, I'm not that asshole. I'm gonna give you time, all the time you need. But don't forget me because I'm not gonna forget you and I'm not gonna let you to forget me. Then, if I realize I tried everything to work and it didn't work, I'm gonna let you go. But not now. It's not time to let you go." Darren said with conviction and determined. You stayed silent; you didn't know what to answer. "I'm gonna give you space and I'm gonna let you sleep now. Don't forget all I said to you."
"Good. I hope you can sleep well. I know you don't want to hear this, but I really mean it so…I love you."
"Yes. Sleep well you too."
"I will now I said it all. Bye boo."
You hung up and hugged your pillow, staring at the ceiling. You really were more confused than ever. On the one hand, you were really happy to have heard Darren saying all those things because he really cared about you and he wasn't giving up on you. What he told you was wonderful. But on the other hand, you weren't sure about all this. You weren't sure if Darren really got over Mia or if he was just saying that because he was feeling alone and he just felt safe with you, knowing that you loved him. Maybe he only wanted to feel loved by someone because it wasn't so long since the time he told you he was confused. How could he be sure he was completely over Mia in such a short time? And you honestly didn't know how you both were going to make this work since you were very far from each other. Maybe you had to figure out all of this with time. You had no other option than wait until see what was going to happen next.
FOUR MONTHS LATER…
Since Darren called you that night, you barely have received news from him. He didn't call you again and he only sent you a few texts, but it was simple texts like "How are you?" "I hope you're doing cool." "Have a totally awesome day." Or just random ones like "I'm jealous of my parents. I'll never have a kid as cool as theirs. Talkin' about Chuck, he rocked last night!", "Today I threw a cupcake at some random wall. Don't call me crazy… I much prefer the term mentally hilarious"; "I have a doubt. If the energizer bunny attacks someone, is he charged with battery?"; "You know, lately some people asked me if the glass is half empty or is half full, man the only thing I can answer is are you gonna fuckin' drink that?"; "Fact of life, After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF"; "A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T V W X Y Z...Oops! I miss U"; "What's the difference between snowmen and snow women? SNOWBALLS! HA!"; "If you notice this notice you'll notice that this notice is not worth noticing!" And he even texted something that was cute but really funny at the same time "I love "u", I love "u", I love "u", I love "u", I love "u", I love "u", I love "u". Hey! Don't get excited, I love other alphabet letters too…v, w, x, y, z." But that was all he texted in four months. You knew that he didn't text you so much because he wanted to give you space, and even though maybe you needed that space; you really missed him, his texts, his calls but above all that you missed being with him. You knew that you said to Darren that you were confused, that you tried to forget him; you knew you shouldn't have said that. You tried to apologize him, but whenever you tried so, Darren interrupted you to talk about something else. You really couldn't see the way your relationship or whatever you had was going to work if you both kept being like this. Meanwhile, you decided to follow the advice that April gave you. You spent more days with Matt, hanging out together and just having fun. You both became really close friends, now you both could talk about everything and it was nice to be with him. Neither of you had intentions to start a love affair and anything like that even though Matt was a flirty guy. You both joked about it, but you knew you were only good friends and nothing more than that would happen. Matt was a getaway from your thoughts of Darren, and he was the best getaway in the good sense of the word.
You already arrived to your theatre classes and you sat next to Matt. You both started to talk and laugh. Now going to those classes were even funnier than before. Mr Thompson never gave you both to perform together so now you were going to ask him if you could. But after 20 minutes, Mr Thompson didn't arrive. That was weird because Mr Thompson was used to be punctual so you all started to worry about him a little. Two people left the class because they thought he wasn't coming. But the rest decided to wait for him. A few minutes later, Mr Thompson finally arrived with a huge smile on his face, and he almost never smiled.
"Hello guys, today we're gonna have a great day!" Mr Thompson said excited.
"Mr. Thompson, we were worried about you. We thought something bad has happened to you." A girl behind you said.
"Yes, sorry for my tardiness. I was talking to someone special. Yes guys, today we're gonna have a special guest who offered to teach the class today. You're gonna learn so much from this person and it's gonna be a very good class." Mr Thompson said even more excited.
"A special guest? What's all of this about?" Matt asked intrigued next to you.
"Yes, a special guest. Please guys, today is joining us Darren Criss. Please come in Mr. Criss." Mr Thompson said excited.
You gasped as soon as you saw Darren walking into the room. What the hell was Darren doing it? You were freaking out, you wanted to leave and run away but you couldn't move from your sit. You were too astonished to do something. Everybody in the class was really excited and happy to have Darren there, even Matt was happy. Yes, they knew Darren mostly from his last performance on Broadway. But you weren't happy at all; you really needed to run away. Your heart was beating in a senseless speed. Did Darren know that you were there? Why was Darren there? And he offered to teach the class, no one asked him to do this. Your mind didn't stop a second thinking a lot of possibilities which could explain why Darren was there. Matt, next to you, realized your sudden change of mood and he frowned. Obviously, he wasn't getting why you were feeling that why. But he didn't ask you anything and you didn't tell him anything. Darren was there, standing in front all the class and smiling widely. Then his eyes caught yours and he smiled even wider.
"Hey guys! Today you're gonna have a very different class and I hope you don't go nuts about this!" Darren said laughing still looking at you. The whole class was speechless but excited. "So yeah, we're gonna do some kind of random performances and let's see what you have and what you can learn from this random guy. So...I was thinking that maybe we could start introducing like in a funny way, like a game. Who is the brave one who wants to start?" Darren looked expectantly at the class.
No one answered and no one made some kind of movement, they all were still stunned by his presence. You couldn't be there; you couldn't share a class with Darren. You couldn't be in a class where Darren was your teacher. It was weird, embarrassing and you really weren't ready to be with him again and less in a class. So you decided to run away from there and come back to your apartment. You slowly stood to sneak out and Matt looked at you confused, but you tried to avoid his gaze and walked straight to the door to leave.
"Oh well! Finally we have a brave person who's gonna start!" Darren said excited and quickly walked towards you and grabbed your arm to take you in front of the class.
What the fuck? This wasn't what you planned. While Darren was smiling you were looking at him in horror. Why was he doing this? Why the fuck has he noticed you were trying to sneak out? You were officially freaking out. You tried to go away again, but Darren was still grabbing your arm. Everybody was looking at you amused because they knew you were trying to sneak out and you weren't expecting this, everybody except Matt who was looking at you confused and frowning. You hated Darren in that moment. How could he be that relaxed while you were feeling the opposite? Wasn't this weird for him? Anyway…Has he planned all of this? Darren just looked at you with a smile. Yes, you missed him.
"So, this is the game. I have this…" Darren looked for something in his bag. It was a small red ball. You looked at him frowning. "And I have this too…" He looked for something else in his pocket. It was an eye bandage. Okay that was weird. "So, turn around. I promise I'm not gonna kill you." Darren laughed and you turned around suspiciously as he bandaged your eyes with the eye bandage. "Can you see? Be truly honest otherwise this is not gonna work."
"I cannot see anything at all. What's all this about?" You asked confused.
"A game...Okay everybody! Come here and stand around this girl, like in a round." Darren said and you heard how everybody stood and rounded you. "So this is how this is gonna work. You..." Darren said, grabbing your hand and putting on your hand the ball. "Have to throw this ball in any direction. One of your fellows is gonna catch it. The person who catches the ball is gonna say something about this girl" Darren said raising your arm. "And this girl has to guess who the person who's talking is and she has to say something about this person as well. I think it could work for me to get to know more about you all. So, let the game begin!"
You stayed quiet with the ball in your hands for few minutes. You really couldn't see anything and you didn't know where to throw it. You were a little dizzy and lost. Then you felt how someone stood behind you and grabbed your arms.
"It's not that hard. Let me help you." Darren said, moving your arms. "There, you can throw the ball there."
You nodded and you threw the ball in the direction that Darren has pointed you.
"She's a very nice girl." A woman's voice said.
"Hmmm..." You thought for a while, you recognized the voice but you weren't sure if she was the person you were thinking. "Hmm...Melissa?"
"That's right!"Melissa said, apparently she was smiling.
"Yes, Melissa! Alright...Hmm, Melissa is the most beautiful of the class, future Broadway star!" You laughed and Melissa laughed along with you.
"Correction. Both of us are gonna be the next Broadway stars, have you forgotten our plans?" Melissa said giggling.
"That's right! We need each other!" You laughed and you felt how Darren gave you the ball again. Now for some reason you were livelier. You threw the ball once again.
"She's the kindest and funniest girl ever." A man's voice said.
"Voilà!" Greg said laughing.
"I'm rocking this game!" You laughed as everybody laughed along with you. "Greg is that guy who's always trying to speak french!"
"Oui!" Greg said proudly as Darren gave you the ball again. You threw it again.
"She's my Drama Queen and the most incredible and flawless person I know."Matt's voice said as you heard how Darren cleared his throat.
"Oh that's easy, so easy! Matt, duh. Matt is my Goofy King and the most hilarious person in the whole planet."You said smiling widely.
"Thanks for the compliment, my lady. You cannot see me now, but I guess you already know that I'm bowing." Matt said flirty.
"Sure I know, you goober." You laughed as the entire class did. Darren cleared his throat this time louder.
"Alright, alright. That's enough. Maybe now someone else could replace this girl! Who wants to give it a try?" Darren said and stood behind you to put away the eye bandage.
Alice raised her hand and she replaced you. You walked away from you were to stand next to Matt. Darren was looking at you and he didn't seem as happy as he was before. Matt looked at you with a smile and he squeezed your hand, whispering something in your hear.
"I just want to prove something..." Matt whispered in your ear, looking at Darren. Darren was staring at you both and he got serious.
"Guys, we're playing a game and if you don't wanna do it and you prefer to talk, you can leave the class. No one is pushing you." Darren said a little upset looking at you and Matt.
"Sorry. It's not gonna happen again." Matt said shrugging with a cocky smile as you frowned.
"Right. Continue, Alice." Darren said.
"What the hell is that you wanna prove? I'm not getting this." You whispered confused in Matt's ear.
"Alright, you two. Please go out until the game finishes." Darren said upset, crossing his arms. You looked at Darren astonished and so did Matt. "Now."
"Okay…" Matt said in disbelief and grabbed your hand to take you out the classroom because you really were shocked.
Darren closed the classroom door as soon as you got out and he came back to the class. He seemed really upset and even more when Matt grabbed your hand. Why was Darren acting like that? That wasn't the Darren you knew. And he was treating you both as if you were kids. Who does that? The very first time you were kicked out from a class and it was a theatre class. What the actual fuck? And only because you both were talking. It was so unfair, because a lot of people were talking while you were blindfolded but he did nothing about that. You were really annoyed and confused and you sat cross legged on the floor in frustration, crossing your arms and puffing. Matt sat next to you and he laughed slightly. You looked at him coldly.
"Why are you laughing? I don't find any of this funny." You complained annoyed.
"It's just cute when you're annoyed." Matt giggled and shrugged.
"Yeah right." You answered still annoyed. "It was so fucking unfair! Kicked out from classes. Really? Who does that? Why us? We weren't doing anything bad. And oh please, as if we were kids!"
"Yeah I know. Who would think that Darren Criss could get upset for something like this?" Matt laughed again and you just frowned. "May I ask you something?"
"What?" You answered huffily.
"Is Darren the boy you talked about? You know, the mysterious guy?" Matt asked intrigued and you just looked at him in horror. How the hell could he know that?
"Why do you think so?" You asked frowning after few seconds, still astonished.
"That's what I wanted to prove. The whole situation was weird. And well, you described me how this guy was and when Darren popped in the class the situation was weird and then my mind made a click and everything started to make sense. But I wasn't completely sure, so I had to prove it. And when I said all those things about you in that game I saw his reaction. When I whispered in your ear I saw his face. And when I grabbed your hand I could notice his expression. It wasn't normal that a stranger reacts in that way, you know? He seemed jealous. It wasn't so hard to guess it actually."
"Oh my God." You answered in shock. Wow, either or Matt was super smart or you were super obvious.
"So, is Darren that guy?"
"Dammit, Matt. I hate you. Well…hmmm…yeah." You almost whispered.
"Oh wow. Wow." Matt almost squealed in amazement.
"Shh Matt! Please don't tell anyone. Oh damn, this…I don't know what's this. Embarrassing?"
"No it's not. It's just…wow. I mean, is Darren Criss. Holy crap, man…" Matt said still flabbergasted.
"I can't tell if your wow is a good or a bad thing."
"It's…I don't know. On the one hand is a good thing, because c'mon is Darren Criss! But on the other hand it's a bad thing, because now I know that guy who made you feel that crappy. I don't know if I should be totally amazed by the new or if I should punch his face."
"Oh please, Matt. Darren didn't make me anything bad, he was only confused…why would you punch his face?"
"Whether or not he did nothing bad to you, he made you feel really shitty. And honestly I didn't like it at all. Because you're the way too awesome to feel that crappy." Matt said frustrated and a little angry.
"Oh, Matt." You laughed slightly. "You know? He was feeling like that too. So no, you shouldn't want to punch his face. He's a wonderful person. He really is." You said sincerely grabbing Matt hands and he smiled at you.
In that moment Matt hugged you friendly and Darren opened the door. You both looked up at the door when it was opened. Darren was standing there looking at you both in an irksome and severe way.
"You both can get in again." Darren said sharply.
You both stood to get into the classroom. Matt was ahead and as soon as he entered in the room, you tried to do the same but Darren stopped you. Matt glanced at you and Darren but he kept walking. Darren closed the door so now you both were alone in the hallway.
"First I have to talk to you." Darren said blandly but still serious.
"I don't think that would be a good idea right now. We're in middle of a class." You said bluffly.
You opened the door to get into the classroom and leaving Darren in the hallway. Before getting in, you glanced quickly Darren's face. It was a mix of confusion, dreariness and displeasure. You sat next to Matt still a bit huffy and Darren got into the classroom a few seconds later. He tried to smile again and continue with the class. The rest of the class was quiet and despite your crappy mood it was really outstanding. After all he was Darren Criss and he was very talented so you learned a lot about him. When the class finished, everybody applauded him including Matt and you. He really deserved all that. Darren seemed happy again and he said some words of gratitude and encouragement to do what we really liked. It was a very touching and lovely little speech. Once he finished his little speech everybody thanked him. When everybody approached Darren to thank him and ask some autographs, you stood up to leave the class quickly. Matt followed you and you saw how Darren looked at your direction but he couldn't do anything because all your fellows were around him.
"Hey, wait for me!" Matt yelled behind you trying to approach you. You stopped until Matt approached you and then you kept walking. "Why the rush?"
"It's pretty obvious, isn't it?" You said walking fast.
"Uhm, yeah. Can you stop for a minute? I really would like why Darren closed the door after I got into the classroom."
"Alright, but I'm gonna tell you while we're walking. I wanna leave this place."
Matt nodded and finally you left the building. You started to tell Matt while still walking but then Darren appeared behind you. He looked exhausted and he was panting. Obviously he'd run to approach you. You looked at him and you tried to keep walking but Darren grabbed your hand to stop you. Matt just was standing there looking at you both, speechless. He was a little uncomfortable.
"Why did you leave that way?" Darren said still panting and trying to recover his breath. "Can we please talk now?"
"It's not a good moment." You answered trying to go away again but Darren grabbed your hand more tightly.
"Please?" Darren almost begged looking at your eyes with his puppy dog eyes. Damn those puppy dog eyes.
"I'm just…I was walking with Matt…" You started to say but you were interrupted.
"It's ok. I think I'm just gonna leave you both alone, we can talk later." Matt told you while Darren looked at him in a little rude way. Matt raised his eyebrows when he saw Darren's face and he kissed your cheek before leaving what made Darren get a little angry.
"What do you want Darren? Why do you look at Matt that way?" You asked frowning and crossing your arms a little upset.
"I wanna talk to you about this and everything. But just not here. Can we go to your place?" Darren asked gently looking into your eyes.
"Fine." You answered more sharply than you'd have wanted.
"Who's that guy?" Darren asked, broking the awkward silence.
You were already in your apartment and both of you were sitting on the couch, avoiding each other's gaze. You never felt more uncomfortable next to Darren and you surely didn't like this. You weren't expecting that your encounter with him would be like this. It went so bad and you didn't want it to be that way. Darren seemed sad and upset as opposed to when he first entered the classroom. You couldn't get why it couldn't be easy, why every time you were with Darren something bad had to happen. It seemed as if everything were against you both. You wanted things to work out for you both, but it seemed as it couldn't happen. Maybe all of this was trying to say you that no matter how hard you try; things weren't going to work out. But you didn't want to think that way. There was a tense atmosphere. You finally sighed before answering Darren.
"Matt is my friend. And you had no right to treat him that way." You said annoyed.
"Yeah sure. I'm away from you for a few months. I have no news from you, I don't know what are you doing, how are you feeling. I'm thinking about you, I come here to talk to you and suddenly this guy appears, and he's fond of you. How would you react?" Darren said, raising an eyebrow.
"I don't know. But first I'd try to know how the person is. I wouldn't judge the person and the situation for what it seems to be. Definitely I wouldn't draw quick conclusions." You said, still a little annoyed but trying to calm down.
"Yeah, probably you're right. Sorry, I made a mistake. Sorry I'm a human." Darren said a little sarcastically.
"What's you point about all of this, Darren? Why did you come here without warning?" You asked him, trying to get some answers and understand the reasons why he was there.
"I came here to get some answers. To clear up everything that is happening between us and I couldn't do it while we were apart. I came here also because I realized that life doesn't hurt until you have time to yourself to think about how things have changed, who you've lost along the way, and how much of it is your fault. So yeah, I came here to apologize, to try to get back all I've lost. Because I needed to see you again." Darren said looking into your eyes and he wasn't upset anymore. Instead, he was looking at you with a hint of hope and sorrow.
"Sad isn't it? How no matter what you do or say to me, when you come running back, when you need me again...I'll be here, right here waiting for you, I'll take you back, no questions asked. Sad isn't it?" You smiled a little bitterly while Darren looked down with an expression that seemed letdown. You really didn't know why you were treating Darren this way.
"You know what?" Darren said after a silence that lasted a few minutes and you looked up at him. "I'm frustrated because I can't tell if it's real. I'm mad because I don't know how you feel. I'm upset because we can't make it right. I'm sad because I need you day and night. I'm angry because you won't take my hand. I'm aggravated because you don't understand. I'm disappointed because we can't be together, but still I'll love you forever." Darren said at once, like if he really wanted to say it all since a long time.
"I really don't know what you expect me to say, Darren. I really don't know." You answered a little frustrated but with yourself. You didn't understand why you were feeling in this way. You were just confused and you didn't know what you really wanted, it just was feeling weird.
"I only want you to tell me what I have to do tonight because I'd do anything to make it right. Let's be us again, I'm sorry for the way I lost my head. Here I stand with everything to lose and all I know is I don't want to ever see the end. I've been through this pain before, I've even cried these tears before but to get you back, I'd go through so much more. Please, open up your heart and let me come back in because I'm in love, so damn in love with you." Darren almost begged staring at you and getting closer to you to grab your hands as you looked down frowning.
"Darren..." You started to say a little sad. You didn't know why you were feeling like this. Darren said to you everything you wanted to hear since a long ago but for some reason you weren't feeling in the way you expected to feel. You loved him, yes, but for some reason you were confused, you didn't know what to do. You didn't want to be hurt again. "There were reasons we met, reasons for the good times and reasons for the bad times, and most importantly a reason to end. We have more to learn, more to experience and more loving to do in this lifetime. But I'm not sure if I can do it right now. I don't know; I can't understand why I'm feeling this way. I'm just feeling weird and I'm not sure if this really could work. I'm sorry but it's like that. I really want to trust you, Darren because, I'm not gonna deny it, I still love you but for some reason I can't completely trust you like before. I've been hurt and I don't wanna be hurt again. I'm not sure of all of this." You said trying to hold back your tears. You didn't want to hurt Darren's feelings but you needed to be honest with him. It broke your heart when you saw a heartbroken expression on Darren's face.
"Boo..." Darren said, his voice choked. He got closer to you, still holding your hands and looking at you deeply into your eyes with a pleading look as he nuzzled his nose on your neck. "All I'm asking for is one night together. Just you and me. All alone. And if you can honestly say you don't feel anything for me after that night, I will finally let you go."
"Sorry, Darren. I can't." You answered sadly and trying to get away from him because it was hard for you to resist him and you didn't want to take a wrong decision just because you were feeling good.
"I beg you." Darren said pleadingly looking at you a little desperate with his sad puppy eyes as you shook your head starting to shed some tears.
"No Darren, I just can't right now. I need to clear up everything." You said starting to shed more tears as Darren was looking at you mournfully. "Look at me, Darren. I always end up crying and I can't cry anymore. Don't take my hand this time. Just go please and don't look back, because I know if you did, I'd come running back to you and I can't do that. So if you love me as much as you say you do then you'll leave."
Darren let out your hand and looked away with his eyes closed, trying not to cry. He really looked devastated and heartbroken but you couldn't do anything if you really wanted things to work out. Because you knew if you tried to take a decision right now, it wouldn't be the right decision. Because you needed to be completely sure about what you wanted to make it right. You really loved Darren so much to risk your relationship with him. So first you needed to think clearly and right now you couldn't do it because you were feeling a lot of things and because all of this took you by surprise. You weren't giving up on Darren; you just needed some time alone to think about all that recently happened. Darren, in silence, stood up and walked towards the door. He slowly opened the door without looking at you and without saying a word. He was about to leave when suddenly he looked at you with a tearful look. He cleared his throat before telling you some words with his voice choked and hoarse.
"Just let me ask you something...if I happen to walk out of this room right now and never come back, and just forget everything and leave it all behind... Would you be okay with that? Because I have five steps till I close this door and you have five seconds to make up your mind...Starting now..."