Chapter 14: Never Been Not Normal
“You really don’t remember a thing?” Sam asked as he and Dean sat down in the library.
“No,” Dean shook his head taking a sip of the coffee Sam had made him. He made a face as he swallowed. “Damn Sam how much coffee beans did you use to make this? It’s really strong.”
“Same amount as normal,” Sam said with a questioning look. “Okay Dean, what’s the last thing you remember?”
“Well, I guess that douche bag Metatron ganking my ass,” Dean said with realization setting on his face. “Hey what happened Sammy? How did Cas get out of holy lock up? How am I not dead? Damn it Sammy did you make a deal with Crowley!?” Dean yelled spitting questions rapidly at Sam.
“Look we thought you were dead,” Sam said trying to think quick on his feet, not wanting Dean to know he’s a demon. “I got Cas to get one of his angel friends to bring you back and-“
“I thought all of Cas’ angel friends left him when he wouldn’t pull the plug on me…” Dean stopped Sam.
“Um… yeah he convinced them all Metatron was lying and now they’re all on his side again,” Sam said.
“Sammy how much did I miss?” Dean asked alarmed.
“Look all you missed was Cas got his grace back and Metatron is dead, okay,” Sam fake smiled taking a sip of his coffee.
“How did Cas get his grace back? Who killed Metatron?”
“I don’t know!” Sam yelled a bit over whelmed.
Dean sighed rubbing his forehead. “Hey Sam where’s the mark?”
Sam glanced at Dean’s arm, “I don’t know! I guess when the angel healed you it removed the mark.”
“Just like that?” Dean asked finding it hard to believe that was all it took.
“Look I don’t know Dean!” Sam groaned out loud angry.
“Whoa okay, geeze,” Dean said defensively leaning back in his chair. “So you missed a lot too huh?”
“Yeah,” Sam let out a long sigh.
It was quiet for a moment before Dean started up again. “Hey um… Sammy?”
“Dean I don’t want to talk about it!” Sam yelled flustered.
“No, no different subject. I swear,” Dean tried to calm Sam down.
“Yeah, okay fine. What’s up?” Sam answered finally rubbing his fingers over his eyes.
“So Cas… he uh… he told me he… “ Dean sat up straight and narrowed his eyes at Sam. He cleared his throat, “He told me that he um… loved me…” Dean managed looking nervously at Sam.
Sam’s eyes widened realizing that Dean had missed out on a very important event. Sam took a deep breath and tried to think, “Um… wow Dean that’s great!”
“How is that great?” Dean asked alarmed green eyes widened.
“Uh… Because you love him back!” Sam replied with a hard swallow and a raised eye brow.
“Who told you that?” Dean looked worried.
“Um… I can just tell, okay?” Sam said with a nerves sip of his coffee.
“You, can just… tell?” Dean squinted his eyes at Sam confused. “What the hell does that mean Sammy?!”
“Dean, look calm down!” Sam tried to comfort Dean.
Dean had his head in his hands, and his hands resting on his knees. “What do I do Sammy!? I shouldn’t have let him leave we should have talked it out. Sammy, I mean,” Dean sighed and pressed his lips together. “The guy basically jumped me.”
“Jumped you?” Sam asked a bit amused. Remembering all the harassment Cas went through to inject Dean with the human blood.
“Yes Sam! He jumped me! Kissed all over! He started to strip in front of me, and- and then he straddled me like a horse! Like a horse Sam! I swear I could feel his… well!” Dean raised his eye brows and gestured to his crotch with his eyes. “He had his hand all in my hair and!” Dean moved his mouth but no words came out.
“Yeah I bet he didn’t learn all of that from the pizza man,” Sam snickered and Dean’s eyes shot up and glared at him. “Okay look Dean just tell him how you feel.” Sam suggested with a smile.
“I- I don’t know how I feel Sam!” Dean yelled panicked.
“Uh, yeah you feel like you love him!” Sam laughed that he was having this conversation again.
“I don’t know man, it’s hard for me to just come right out and say it,” Dean sighed leaning back in his chair hands over his face. “Especially with all this madness going on.”
“Dean what are you so afraid of? He already said he loves you! So you don’t have to worry about that! Is it because he’s a guy?” Sam asked.
“No Sammy, of course not. Look it’s because when I used to picture myself happy it was with Lisa and Ben. I wasn’t fighting monsters, angels, and demons, okay? It was a simple life. Ben would be my kid. He’d be a kid. Do kid stuff, like ride a bike and play catch in the front yard. And I’d be the one to play catch with him, ya know? I’d be the dad our dad never was. And Lisa would be my beautiful wife. The one I’d take care of, I’d be the perfect husband. And when you came back around I figured you’d be crazy Uncle Sammy with stories to tell Ben that would blow that kid’s mind. But you’d have a wife too. And beautiful kids. We’d be out Sam,” Dean’s breath caught in the back of his throat.
“Dean I…” Sam started.
“No Sammy, because all of that changed. The second that feathery ass angel showed back up after disappearing into that lake… Man after not having him for so long and then suddenly having him back was like best thing. I just… I couldn’t take seeing him go crazy Sammy. Saying how he was done and then even after standing his ground to not fight for months he jumps in front of the trigger for me? Sure he blew us both into purgatory, but man he was trying. When he disappeared from me in there I lost it. I needed him Sammy. I then realized when I saw myself happy it was with Cas by my side. Fighting… or even just sitting next to me talking. I realized no matter what I was doing I would be happy as long as it was with him. And every time I see myself happy I get scared Sammy,” Dean sighed half smiling.
“Then tell him that Dean,” Sam said getting up and patting Dean on the back.
“No, Sam. Look he’s an angel no matter how hard he tries to feel human he’ll never be one of us,” Dean looked up at Sam. “Yeah, he was human once, but he told me he wasn’t even sure about human emotion then. Even though he said he loves me, how can he be sure what love is?”
“Because Dean,” Sam rolled his eyes at the fact Dean had just called himself human. “He just does! He gave up everything for you! I think he understands love better then all of us so just tell him how you feel okay?!” Sam said kind of annoyed.
“I-“ Dean started.
“Sam!” Cas appeared in front of them breathing heavy. “Not everyone is dead…”
“In heaven? Well what’s going on?” Sam asked leaving Dean’s side rushing over to Cas.
“It’s like I said, chaos! I managed to calm who was left by telling them this had nothing to do with the war with heaven but some didn’t believe me. There are way too few of us left to be fighting. I can’t control them Sam,” Cas explained worriedly.
“What happened?” Dean asked alarmed.
Castiel looked up with a dark glare. “What happened?” He laughed hysterically.
“Cas…” Sam grabbed both of Cas’ shoulders. “Come on Cas…”
“No Sam…” Cas growled. “What happened is I don’t know when to stop. I don’t know when to not follow orders. If I had left things on the right track everything would be in order now. The angels would still be in heaven, everyone we know wouldn’t be dead and maybe just maybe right now I wouldn’t be the biggest mess up in the world!”
“Cas you’re not a mess up,” Sam said holding Cas in his place.
“I am Sam! Every time I look back and think that if given another chance, I would do things much differently! I wouldn’t have rebelled, I wouldn’t have lied, I wouldn’t have helped Crowley, I wouldn’t have consumed all those souls, killed all those angels,” Cas crinkled his eye brows and held on to Sam’s forearms. “I wouldn’t have lost my grace and closed the gates of heaven, I wouldn’t have caused all the angels to fall, and I wouldn’t give up their trust for just one man, Sam,” Cas threw Sam’s arms down. “Every decision I make destroys something. So I’m going to stop trusting my gut and I’m going to do the right thing for once. Good-bye Sam.” Cas looked over at Dean and stared into his eyes. He couldn’t find any words to say. Then he was gone.
Dean stood up frightened. “Damn it Sam! Where did he go?!”
Sam turned to Dean confused and shrugged stuttering his words as he spoke, “I-I- I don’t know Dean!”
“Damn it Cas! Son of a bitch get your ass down here!” Dean called at the top of his lungs. “Cas!” he yelled again when Cas didn’t appear. He yelled in frustration and threw the books on the table on the floor in anger. “Cas! We can do this together!”
“Dean! Dean!” Sam Grabbed Dean shaking him so he would stop acting out. Dean’s hanging head slowly lifted and black eyes stared up at Sam. Sam stared back, eyes full of concern.
“He’s doing this because of me isn’t he Sam?” Dean asked blinking confused. “What’s happening?” Dean pushed himself off of Sam and rubbed at his eyes. “Everything looks different!” Dean blinked again and again as if trying to get soap out of his eyes.
“Dean what’s wrong?” Sam asked distressed.
“My eyes Sammy! Everything is different!” Dean started hyperventilating. “It’s all… I don’t know… I mean I can see but…” Dean heaved breath after heavy breath.
“Dean, maybe you should just calm down!” Sam suggested pushing Dean down in a seat.
“No we have to go help Cas! Tell him everything is okay and-“ Dean started screaming. Another scream came from behind Sam. Sam spun quick on his feet, gun out from where he kept it tucked in his jeans and had it pointing at Crowley.
Crowley was bent over sucking in breaths, hands on his knees. “Jesus boys! Scared me half to death!” Sam let out a long groan and put the gun back where it belonged.
“Crowley?” Dean asked still a bit skeptic.
“Yes! Who the hell else would it be?!” Crowley yelled back at Dean still upset by his scare.
“Aw, you son of a bitch!” Dean reached for the demon knife in Sam’s jacket pocket and Sam grabbed Dean’s hand.
“Stop! All he’s been trying to do is help Dean! He’s earned us not killing him!” Sam explained blocking Dean’s path to Crowley.
“Why are you trusting the bad guy, again Sam!?” Dean sighed throwing his hands up in the air. “Stop putting the demons before your brother!”
“Well it’s kinda hard to do that cupcake concid-“ Sam grabbed Crowley and covered his mouth.
“Trust me Dean I’m not!” Sam called pulling Crowley out into the hall. “Dean doesn’t remember anything so keep your mouth shut or I will kill you,” Sam threatened holding the demon knife to Crowley’s neck.
“You think he’s not going to find out?” Crowley asked pushing his head back trying to avoid the knife.
“Well let’s just see how long we can keep it going until things aren’t as clustered anymore, okay?” Sam sighed letting Crowley drop.
“Fine moose but you owe me,” Crowley smiled straightening his dress jacket and walking back into the library.
“I can see you,” Dean made a disgusted face. “Like the real you. Dude you fugly!”
“Oh you sure know how to treat a lady,” Crowley mocked rolling his eyes.
“Why can I see your true form?” Dean questioned shaking his head.
“I don’t know!” Crowley lied. “Probably a side effect of losing the mark.”
“How did you know I lost the-“ Dean started to ask.
“Dean long story short Crowley is an okay guy now,” Sam explained.
“I’m better than okay,” Crowley mumbled rolling his eyes.
“What? Did you two become buddies while I was taking a dirt nap?” Dean asked a bit angry.
“Sure what ever floats your boat,” Crowley rolled his eyes and turned to Sam. “Where’s the angel?”
“He left,” Sam sighed.
“Well when will he get back?” Crowley pressed poofing and drink in his hands.
“He’s not coming back,” Sam answered upset.
“What? Well that will just not simply do…” Crowley said downing his drink in one huge gulp. He made the ‘ahhh’ sound when he set the glass on the table. “I need him.”
“For what?” Dean asked angrily.
“He has the first blade. If I don’t burn it the mark will slowly come back, and we don’t want that how do we?” Crowley explained.
“First we explain to him that he is not a mess up and everything will be okay if we all just work together,” Dean said glaring at Crowley.
“No first you need to calm down!” Sam said to Dean pushing him back down in his seat.
“Sammy I am calm,” Dean said with an annoyed smile.
“Just please close your eyes,” Sam instructed.
“Sammy I’m not,” Dean started.
“Damn it Dean close your eyes!” Sam demanded.
Dean rolled his black eyes, “ Fine.” He closed them.
“Now take a moment to breathe okay?” Sam said.
“Yeah okay…” Dean replied taking a deep sarcastic breath.
After a few moments of breathing Dean opened his eyes. They were green again. Sammy smiled with relief, “Okay you feel better?”
“You know I hear that also works if you give me a Snickers!” Dean laughed getting up. His eyes fixated on Crowley. “You’re um back to normal?” Dean asked confused.
“Are you implying that I was not normal?” Crowley asked sarcastically.
“No I mean…” Dean said.
“Because I can a sure you I’ve never been not normal,” Crowley explained with a smile.
“What?” Sam asked feeling confused.