Chapter 3: Giving up on Giving up
Dean smiled at Cas. All this time he was scared of what Cas would think and here he is being accepted by him. The person he was so scared of hurting wasn’t hurt at all. All he could see on Cas’ face was relief and comfort. It was puffy from tears that were streaming down Cas’ face, Dean lifted his hand and wiped the tears away.
“Hey now none of that,” Dean smiled lifting up Cas’ chin to see his face. He stared into his eyes. They were watery and tired. So tired. He knew Cas didn’t need sleep but maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad idea for him right now.
“Its just…. Its good to see you Dean,” Cas let go of him pulling out of the hug but leaving his face in Deans hands.
Dean hadn’t realized but he was stroking his thumb against the scruff on Cas’ jaw line. Just reading his eyes. He couldn’t look away. “Its really fucking good to see you too Cas,” he chuckled.
“Well isn’t this sweet,” Crowley said sarcastically, “Look angel, squirrel and I are still kinda stuck.” He pointed up at the ceiling.
“I’ll get it,” Sam said turning away from the small group to the hall. “I’m going to go get a ladder.”
“Moose you don’t need a ladder! You don’t even need your tip toes, you’re huge!” Crowley called after him turning back to Dean and Cas who were just awkwardly staring at each other. He cleared his throat in an over dramatic way.
Dean pulled his eyes away from Cas and looked at Crowley. He raised his eye brows as if to say “what?” Crowley pointed with his eyes and the tilt of his head at Cas. Dean turned back following Crowley’s gesture. He realized he was still holding Cas’ face with now both hands and rubbing Castile’s jaw line with his thumb. He noticed Cas was just leaning into his hand feeling every finger print that trailed over his skin. Pushing his head slightly against Deans open hand like a cat, trying to get closer even though it wasn’t possible. Deans other hand was wrapped around the nape of Cas’ neck gripping tightly at the short brown hairs there. They were soft and comforting in Dean’s fingers. Cas’ eyes were closed as if he were savoring every moment of this. Dean instantly regretted pulling his hands away. Cas was pulled out of his tranquil moment looked sadly at Dean for a second then turned to Crowley.
“Why did you take Dean from Sam?” Cas said with a hint of anger.
“Look here Cassy poo, I helped bring him back! You should be thanking me! Why does every one gang up on me? I mean seriously! How many times have I flipping help you guys out!? When will you learn I’m here for you! I’m on your team!” Crowley kept talking and Cas pressed his lips together giving Dean a look.
Dean shrugged. “Surprise hes back on the human blood!” Dean threw his hands in the air waving them. “Yeah the damn bastard couldn’t go two seconds. We’re out and about trying to find me a…” Dean stopped and swallowed mid sentence avoiding the next word. He shook his head trying to shake off his flaw. “Long story short, this chick we had with us gets cut and Crowley nearly goes mad and almost sucks the son of a bitch dry.”
“Shut up its hard to quit!” Crowley growled pouting at Dean.
Dean laughed at Crowley’s sad face and turned back to Cas. “I’ve never watched so many Spanish soap operas and god damn chick flicks,” Dean laughed nudging Cas’ arm.
Cas smiled at Dean making Deans heart melt. “Yes I too have seen many ‘chick flicks’ lately. Sam likes to watch them when he is upset. He’s been upset a lot lately. But now that you are back maybe he will stop being upset and stop watching so many.” Cas sighed, “he’s a crier.”
“I know,” Dean laughed, “so is this one!” his laugh turned louder. It felt good to laugh, he hadn’t in a long time, not truly. Cas giggled.
Crowley’s face crumpled up. “Dean stop it! You’re the one who wanted to watch the Spanish soap operas,” he growled and Dean scratched the back of his head embarrassed. “Plus those movies are so sad because they never get their true love! They just deserve to be loved!” Crowley’s voice cracked and his eyes widened because he noticed he was, as Dean would put it, “doing it again.” Crowley straitened his back and his tie. “Moose where are you on the ladder situation?” he called changing the subject.
“Cas where is the ladder?” Sam asked poking his head in. “It’s not in the garage.”
“It’s okay Sam I’ve got it,” Cas raised his hand crunching it up in a fist, suddenly the ceiling crumbled and Dean and Crowley were free. Dean looked at Crowley smiling.
“Cas no!” Sam rushed in too late. Cas was on the floor and Sam picked his head up and placed it on his lap. “God damn it Cas!”
Dean looked and saw Cas on the floor gasping for air. He dropped to his knees next to Sam and took Cas’ hand. “What’s wrong with him?” he asked frantically looking to Sammy for answers.
“Cas I told you to stop doing these things. Even the smallest things can drain you!” Sam explained ignoring dean.
“Sorry I forgot again,” Cas mumbled sitting up with a pained look on his face.
Deans heart sank watching Cas struggled to sit up and breath at the same time. “Sammy what’s wrong with him?” he panicked desperate for answers.
“Dear squirrel, poor Cas is running on one eighth a tank of grace,” Crowley answered for Sam.
“What you still don’t have your grace?” Dean asked letting Cas lean against him. “Where is it?” he turned to Sam, “Why haven’t you helped him look for it?”
Sam sighed and looked up at dean through his eye lashes. “Dean, Cas’ grace was used for a spell. Its mixed up in some other things in the best hiding place in the world. Only Metatron knows where it is.”
“Well then go ask him and if he wont talk then make him,” Dean growled his eyes flicking black. “Sammy I don’t know why the hell you haven’t tried to help him.”
Sam pause stunned by Dean’s rapid eye color change. He didn’t speak for a second trying to process it. “You think I didn’t try to help him?” Sam managed with a thick gulp. “I tried everything dean! He is like a little brother to me! He’s all I had for the past three weeks thinking you were dead and I wasn’t about to let him die too. Dean, he was heartbroken.” Dean felt Cas squirm underneath him and mumble something but moan in pain again and burry his face in deans neck. “Dean, he didn’t want anything,” Sam continued. “I tried to convince him to let me take care of Metatron so we could find his grace but he refused. He gave up dean! Once he found out you were dead he had no will!” Sam sighed. “I did try. He just didn’t care. So for the past three weeks I’ve been watching him slowly kill himself. He does stuff like this,” Sam choked a bit then continued, “and I’m scared that every time he does he’ll die.”
“Oh my Moose,” Crowley sighed placing a hand on Sam’s shoulder.
Dean was speechless. Even though Crowley had told him bits and pieces of this before, coming from Sam was heart breaking. If it was coming from Sam it was true. He suddenly felt his neck wet. He flicked his eye back to green and looked down at Castiel who was curled up in a ball on his lap. “Cas?” he said grabbing his shoulder pulling him up to see his face. Cas was crying again. Not from pain though.
“I’m sorry Dean,” he mumbled pulling his face to Dean’s neck trying to hide his tears from him.
“Cas buddy? Its okay!” Dean rubbed his back resting his chin on Cas’ soft brown hair.
“No I gave up Dean! I didn’t look at the big picture and I lost it. I lost it because I thought I lost you. Then Sam called and I thought there would be a chance. He said Crowley didn’t show up when he called, so he called me, and I,” Cas cried.
“Umm… I did show thank you very much,” Crowley cut Cas off and Dean shot him a look telling him to shut up. Crowley nodded his head apologetically and took a step backwards.
“I just need you Dean. I cant explain it! Sometimes I look at you and I just… need you. I know this sounds stupid but honestly that’s what I feel. When you’re away, I want nothing but for you to be with me. When I’m sad, all I want to hear is your voice,” Cas sighed grabbing the back of Dean’s shirt to help pull him closer to Dean’s neck. “I don’t know what you are doing to me Dean Winchester and I’m scared. I’ve never felt this way. I mean you’ve taught me so many things and I’ve gone from follow directions no questions asked, to question everything and make up my own rules. I’ve never been happier in my entire existence then when I’m with you, and when I heard that you were…” he gulped. “gone. Its like I just stopped existing!”
Every word was a knife in Dean’s heart. Hearing Cas fall apart was too much for him to handle. Dean felt his cheeks wet too. He knew exactly what Cas was trying to say, he just wasn’t sure Cas knew how to say it. “Yeah I know buddy.” He rubbed his back.
“I want my grace back now Dean. I have no reason to not want it now,” Cas sighed.
“Well then lets go get us some angel grace,” Dean said standing up pulling Cas up with him.
Sam got up too and hugged Cas. He stepped away when he noticed Dean glaring. “Hey does Crowley really have to come?” Sammy asked whispering not so quietly.
“Hey I’m getting really sick and tired of your…” Crowley started but Dean held up his hand to stop him.
“I cant believe I’m going to say this but Sammy, Crowley has to come… We’re besties,” Dean smiled at Crowley. “Now let me see my baby.” Dean walked toward the garage pulling Cas along by the hand.
Crowley gave Sam a smirk. “Yeah we’re such good besties I get shotgun, right Dean?”
Dean chuckled then gave him a straight face. “Yeeaaa-no!”
“The front seats reserved for me,” Sammy smirked back pushing past Crowley.
“Yeeaaa-no.” Dean said stopping Sammy.
“What why?!” Sam growled stomping his foot.
“Sorry Sammy but I think Cas should get shotgun…” Dean rubbed the back of Cas’ hand with his thumb and pulled him out the door to the impala. Cas smirked at Sam and Crowley as he let Dean lead him away.