From Hell To Heaven
Hi, just writing something that's been on my mind a bit lately. Just thought it was kinda cool, so I wrote it down. I hope you enjoy. Btw, these afterlife things, it doesn't have anything to do with my beliefs, it's just something that came into my mind, when I thought about this and decided that it was good enough.
And one thing, now when I write this, I'd like you to know that I just lost a thousand and more words because the site logged me out suddenly, when I was saving this. So yes, that's why I haven't post this as early as I would have. That is months ago.
From Hell to Heaven
Don't commit suicide
I thought that now, everything would be good. I would feel satisfied. I knew I was going to Hell, I don't have any soul after-all, and I kind of wanted it, because that's what I deserved. But to be honest, I'm selfish and I really, in actuality want to go to Heaven. Close to Bella. In the end.
I am not in Heaven. Clearly.
And it hurts. It hurts so much.
I shut my eyes tightly, but of course it doesn't help. Doubling over, that doesn't help either with the agonizing pain. I need to understand that it won't go away. It'll never end. Never loosen it's hold of you. But when I think about it, that it will never end. And I will never die. That there's no escape...
I panic. It's worsens the pain I already feel. I can't handle that. I huddle myself in the dark. In a corner made of sharp edges.
It's always so dark. But you can see through it. It's thick and it's hard to breath. I have to breath for some reason even though my heart doesn't beat. I am dead after-all. I still breath. I breath the smoky air. Some flakes of flaming ash and glowing coal fly in the air just like being in a mine. It is basically a mine. Or like being inside of a volcano, when it's not filled with magma. Deep, deep under...
People are screaming, yelling, cursing or crying. Rage, anger, insanity, desperation, depression and sadness fill every pore. Very noisy, but sometimes it gets terribly silent. No sound at all. You can't stand still at those times. You collapse. You can't stay stable without any sound. But right now it is quite noisy. It gives you headaches. Not that there isn't always one, something pounding the walls of your head with a hammer.
There's no sky. It's just blackness above your head. A few meters up, you can't see anything. It's just strange blackness above me. It does feel imprisoning and claustrofobia creeps up with me all the time, but at those times I try to focus on the ground.
The ground is reddish and rocky and has some marks from clawing. Just like the walls that hover over me like being next to a red rock cliff. The marks make me think that maybe somebody had tried to get deeper, to claw their way lower than Hell. To escape from it. That would be hard. And it is. The ground is hard, harder than stone. You can't get through it. You lose nails if you try to claw it. It even hurts my feet when I walk on it. Or especially when I fall.
I don't understand why I have wings. I think it is the Devil mocking me, when he attached them onto my back. Onyx black feathers covered my long wings's bones that tapered to a stop at my knees height.
I was no angel. I didn't deserve to be one. And I really wasn't an angel either. The Devil just wanted me to play the part, wanting to annoy me, make me feel ashamed more than I already am.
If I can be uppish about something anymore, then it's being perky about guessing right about the vampires' after-life. We go to Hell. I thought that maybe it's just me. I was and I am a monster after-all. I have asked some people in here who they were before they died, and some even managed to joke about dying a long time ago in their human life. Dying when becoming a vampire. Then becoming destructed afterwards for many different reasons.
I hope that if someone from my family ever did get destroyed, then they wouldn't be doomed in here. I hope they get to go to Heaven. They don't deserve to go here. But I'll never know unless I meet either one of them in here. I'll most probably never see anyone I love ever again.
I feel empty. The core has nothing inside it, but anguish. The exterior is made of pain that flickers through the emptiness and stings my broken, dead heart over and over again.
Oh Bella... Her name pains me whenever I think of it. It will hurt even more, when I think about the times I had with her and how I left her. What I did to her.
She's in Heaven now. Where she belongs. Although she should be living. She should be alive! She should be with the ones she loves the most and love her. But she's not, because of me.
I cannot believe that I did that to her.
I hate myself. I loathe myself. I am the monster. Worse than the Devil. He's doing something right; punishing me, which also makes him better than me.
At least Bella is in Heaven. Of course she is. She's fine, she's in a better place now, I'm sure of it. That's what I keep telling myself. She's fine. She's happy. She's loved. God loves her. He hates me.
Those thoughts cripple my insides and make me bow my head in shame. That's right too.
Heaven must be somewhere up. Up, across the darkness that eats light like a giant black hole. I tried to fly upward, just up. I don't know why I even tried. I guess I was desperate, because I know you can't get to Heaven when you're put in Hell. It's not like you can get out of here.
The darkness hurt, I felt like I was shattering again and I couldn't fly anymore. I was lost in the darkness and panic consumed me. I stopped flying and started falling. I fell for what seemed like eternity, but probably took mere seconds if there's any time in here anyway. I didn't feel the gravity's pull from anywhere, so I kept flipping around, but kept on falling still until I landed onto the hard rock ground.
That's when I broke.
I'm only a skeleton now. That's what's left of me. My bones so weak and frail that they broke into tiny little pieces immediately when I hit the floor. The Devil bandaged me Himself in white stripes. But my skin is even whiter than they are. He didn't heal me like He could. Like he does to others sometimes. He just put me together. He likes that; to see me like this. I can't read minds and even if I could, I bet I would never hear His thoughts. But I can still read impresssions. So I know. He wants me to know it too.
The Devil likes me like this, all fragile and scraggy, and most importantly: weak. Much different from my former vampire self, when I was much more powerful and strong. He hates vampires who can escape death like they do. But when they die, He likes to have fun with them. And He's especially attracted to me for some reason. He tells me I am beautiful and those words hurt me. He tells me I have black eyes. As black as the sky above us. It hurts.
I knew vampires were monsters then.
He has cradled me to His chest and whispered things to my ear with the frightening voice He owns. Things that Bella has said to me.
I cry. It's the only relief I am given here. I can cry. He probably likes to hear how horrible it is for us to be in His kingdom. They are His meals, drugs. His slaughtering us slowly. You can always hear crying in here. Even when there is silent. It's all in your head.
I crawl from the corner I was because I'm getting cold. Freezing. The temperatures go all over the places in here in different places at random times. I crawl close to the thin river of hot lava looking liquid that flows down the rugged and barren land.
I stare at the flow of the orange and red and my tears dry from the heat of it. But my back still stays cold. Shivers run through my spine which bones jut out from my skin sickly. People who happen to cross my ways always look at me in that way you would look at an obviously sick person. They pity me, even in Hell. I cannot believe it.
I whimper when I feel His shadow behind me. He's not there really, only the shadow He sometimes sends close to me.
"It's time to go", He says in His strange language. It's nothing I have heard before in my life or learned, but I can understand it still. I know it's time to go. The one thing we have to do here other than suffer in the misery is pleasing our 'master'. That is of course the Devil again.
We have to build a palace for Him from a hard coal mine. It's as big as you can make it. Needless to say, He could just create it all by Himself by the snap of His fingers, but He wants us to do it for Him even if that would the million times longer. He just likes ordering us around. An I doubt it will be never finished. It will go on as long as there's room, and when there isn't anymore, He can always make more.
But I'm not one of the people who have to work on that anymore. Not after the bedroom was finished. I please Him... in other ways. Ways that I don't wish to even think about. I'm not the only one.
Now I have to go there.
I fly. My legs, bones fractured forever are enough of a reason why I would fly rather than walk. Besides walking on the ground without any shoes or some other protection for your feet whatsoever, is bad enough. You will get sores and cuts instantly.
I land myself to the steps of the palace and start walking up the long stairs. The coal dusts my feet, but doesn't wear off that the stairs would some day shatter. The palace is very big although still in construction. It looks a like the Sun King's castle from the inside, though much darker. Outside it looks very gothic with sharp edges and towers, and real life dark creatures sitting like statues around it. It's formidable, intimidating and grisly. They will probably guide the river of lava around to create a bank.
There is a long line of black chandleries lighted up with fire, with flames that look like gas is being poured on them constantly. The Devil is sitting on the throne smugly. I keep my gaze on the floor. I feel Him glaring at me, upset that I'm still not looking at Him like He wants me to. But I can't. I'm too much of a coward to do so. I'm afraid that if I look into His eyes, I'll see how horrible I am.
"Shall we", He isn't asking, He's always in charge and chooses what will happen, but He is gentle with me, for a reason I don't know of. He pretends as if He cared about my feelings. He cannot care. If He did, then no one would be here. Even though He's doing the right thing by torturing me, it doesn't mean that anyone 'normal' and who understood justice could handle doing something like this as their job.
I nod, still looking down. In a matter of a single fraction of a second He's with me and guiding me towards the grand bedroom.
"Do you remember why you're here? Edward?" He asks, though I don't need to answer Him. His is voice mischievous and horrible, whilst opening the rolled black bandage that's put around my pelvis and covers my crotch, His fingers burn my skin as they touch it. It doesn't harm me in anyway, but it burns still. But if He touches me too hard, I am left with red marks for some time.
"Look at Me!" He suddenly yells in a very stern and commanding tone that sends chills to bones and my body shakes. I have to look up. Straight into His red eyes.
Red like a vampire's eyes who drinks human blood. And my eyes are still black, like when I am hungry.
He's full and I'm empty. He's strong and I'm weak. Twisted. I used to be strong and unbreakable. He made me completely the opposite. Now I have to wear these tight bonds around most of my limbs, because some of the bones are broken and and some might get broken just like that, when they are so fragile. I'm weak, because I kneel for the Devil.
He has opened the covers completely now and He pulls me closer to Him.
"You are here, because you are to be punished for what you have done that you do not regret doing", He says intensely. His hands roam around my body and stop at my arms.
"I could have asked you if you regretted doing it, but you could have lied and said that you did, even though you wouldn't have. And I would have still known the truth, so there was no point in asking."
I don't understand what He is saying. I thought I regretted everything bad that I had done in my previous life. But I guess I haven't. But if I had, would I be in Heaven now?
"I shouldn't have played God or You, when I took those lives. I regret taking them", I state simply, my eyes faltering downwards. But He lifts up my chin so I have to look at Him.
"Yes you do. You are forgiven that. But there is someone you don't regret killing. A certain human..." He smiles at me crookedly.
The truth dawns on me and my eyes widen in shock.
"I didn't want her to die! No! I love her! She was supposed to live happily after me. I didn't want her to commit suicide! No!" I scream franticly. I should realize that this is just what He wants to see from me. I'm usually so composed in the eyes of the others and directly in front of him. But what He said is breaking me truly. Shattering my insides.
I didn't regret killing Bella? No!
"Bella didn't commit suicide. She only died in a cliff diving accident. Though she only did it, because she wanted to see you. As she could only see and hear you during an adrenaline rush. And it's not her who I am talking about." His grin is only spreading and He looks at me attentively.
Who was He speaking of? I try to remember if there's someone certain... But I can't think of anybody who I wouldn't regret killing.
"Yourself, Edward. You don't regret killing yourself", He tells me in hushed tone that I don't remember him using it with anyone. It almost sounds gentle. Almost.
What? But I'm not human, I wasn't human when I went to the Volturi... I don't understand.
"Myself? But I wasn't human." I shouldn't argue with Him, but hopefully He knows that I'm just very confused and He would care to enlighten me with some knowledge. I expect and my body waits for a lash.
"Yes you were. Deep inside, you were still yourself and you are human. You killed yourself. You denied yourself the life you had been given, something you get only once. Killing yourself should be the most regrettable thing you had done, but you still didn't regret doing it."
"If I hadn't done it, then I probably wouldn't have never died. I bet you wouldn't have liked that." I couldn't believe I was staying this to Him. He must get angry.
But He... laughs.
Or that's what I guess it is. His voice is always so scary, intimidating and terrible, you never really know how He is by listening to it.
"Everyone dies at some point, Edward. One way or another. It doesn't matter how long it takes before they get there. Life isn't life if it last forever."
I am amazed. Of course He is intelligent, He is the Devil. But I wasn't waiting for Him to say that.
"But dying by your own hand isn't right nor is ending someone else's life. We decide of that. You killed yourself and you did not regret doing so. That's why you are here."
He's right. I'm didn't regret killing myself, because that's what I thought was right. I had done so much bad things in my overlong life. And my Bella was dead, gone forever from my reach and I was partly a reason for that happening. I was a monster and I still am. That's why I am here.
But I guess not. That's not why I am here from what He says. I think I should be here also for the reason still. But it's all just combined. Reasons for me to kill myself and go to Hell from doing so.
"I am sorry", I apologize and bow my head down again, when He has taken His hand away from it.
His hands are on my forearms again and I feel my skin burning under the ties. My skin is cutting. I see something crimson tainting the bandages. It couldn't be blood, I don't have any in me. He takes his hands away and I see the letters better that are beginning to form through the fabric in deep red.
Both of my arms are caparisoned with the word 'suicide' in the strange, unknown language that is used in here. The cuts are stinging painfully. Great, yet another included pain I have to endure from now on.
"Remember why you are here, so you know what to pray forgiveness for the next time you try to connect with your God", He notes in a ridicule way.
Tears brim in my eyes and are threatening to overflow, but I don't want to cry right in front of Him.
"I will", I promise Him stammering slightly. I raise my head to look at His terrifying eyes and smile He wears for me. He pulls me to his chest and flops me to the bed made of ashes and coal.
I shut my eyes tightly again.
From Hell to Heaven
Forever lasts eternity
I go back to some corner again. I had to walk, because I don't have any energy to fly. Though that means that I don't have energy to walk either, but still I do. With willpower I walk away from the castle. From Him.
But of course, He is everywhere in here. You cannot escape Him.
Never again. Forever in here.
My chest tighten and I feel the panic swept through me again. I count for what could be possibly days, although there are no days in here. There's no time. Because you will always have to be here. Forever.
Never ending suffering. Never getting out.
I count days to only find there are none and they never end.
The thought makes me wince.
I can pray. It's the only hope I got. But I know that the hope is only a delusion.
But if I want to try to stay sane. If I even got sanity anymore, then that is what I should do. God is my savior who I am still waiting for. I wish He can hear me from here, but sometimes I got this terrible feeling He can't. He doesn't know that I'm lost and helpless and I need Him to save me.
I'm afraid of what is.
Somebody touches my wings. It's nothing out of the ordinary. Many are interested and compelled to touch the silky, black feathers. There are not many who have wings. And the ones who do have are usually flying somewhere in the World, looking and reporting to the Devil.
"Beautiful. You are beautiful", she says in an admiring, quiet tone. Her voice reminds me of Victoria. When I look up, it's not her. I'm not surprised.
She has long, dirty blond hair and a fair skin. Her eyes are black like everyone else's. She kneels in front of me and touches my cheek now.
"What is your name?" she asks looking at me curiously. "Are you new?"
I shake my head. I'm not new. But I can't tell her my name. I can't speak. The Devil took my voice, so I couldn't pray. Not vocally at least. And because I scream so loudly in bed. In pain. He likes me silent more from now on.
You can probably gather that I am as terrified as one can get.
She caresses my face in her cold hands. Her finger runs along my lips. "Can't you speak?" she guesses raising her eyebrows that are two shades darker than her hair.
I shook my head at her again. Her brows lower to their normal place. Her right hand slowly covers my mouth and she looks at it attentively. Then giggles in enjoyment. "Fantastic!" she exclaims and I'm starting to worry about her intentions. People who go in Hell go there for a reason. She has a reason too, as innocent as she looks.
"Why don't you write your name in the dust", she says then and pulls her hands away from me. She collects some dust from the rocks before me. I shape my name into the dust with my finger and she reads it.
"Edward", she flexes my name with her tongue, tasting the sound of it. "I like it. Suits you", she says and smiles at me. "My name is Chrystal. A bit ironic, don't you think", she laughs. I guess it sounds a little like a Christian.
"How did you die?" she asks looking all curious again. I show her my arms. Her lips form an 'o'. "Cool. Is that also the reason why you are here and not there?" she questions and points upwards with her forefinger. I nod for her. And I will never forget that now.
"I killed my parents and my aunt and then a police officer shot me, to put it short. That's me", she tells me and laughs again. She creeps me out for very apparent reasons. But then her expression changes abruptly to a timid one.
"I have to go now. Back to work. See you some other time", she says and gets up from the ground and starts walking towards the castle. So it was He.
I wipe my name from the ground. I don't care for any stranger to know my name. Chrystal won't be stranger much longer to me, because she already told me her name and some other things. We are going to catch up later in this forever and probably become quite close. That just seems to happen in here. Though I haven't made any 'friends' yet. I don't really care to make any. I rather suffer alone than with a crowd.
I lean my back against walls of Hell and close my eyes, feeling exhausted. I bring my knees up and I lay my arms straight, supported by my knees. I sense that my wings are wrapping around my form deliberately and independently.
I pray quietly in my mind. Of course, because I cannot speak. But I try to think as loudly and strongly as I can, as if I was actually saying them out loud. I hope God hears me from here. I hope so, so bad.
Please God, make me good, so I can get away from here, far far away. Please God, forgive me for what I have done. All the bad things I regret doing. Please God, make me good, so I can get away from here, far far away. Please God, let me know my love is safe in your hands. Please God, save me, don't forget me. Please God, make me good, so I can get away from here, far far away. Please God, forgive me, save me and get me to my love.
I don't know how long I keep repeating that same course in my head. But it never matters. Just like time.
Just time. So much time. No relief for it ending. God! Help me! I cannot stay here forever!
Tick, tick, tick...
Goes in my head. Clock that hasn't got batteries and still goes on, just like forever.
Tick, tick, tick...
I'm losing it. With each tick of the non-existing clock.
Tick, tick, tick...
Never closer than before.
Tick, tick, tick...
Tick, tick, tick...
My head is beginning to ache painfully from it. It just won't stop. The ticking... Time and pain... Argh!
Tick, tick, tick...
I cry out throwing my head back, no sound coming out of me, my fingers tug at the roots of my hair, I keep yelling silently.
Tick, tick, tick...
It won't stop!
Tick, tick, tick...
Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me!
Tick, tick, tick...
From Hell to Heaven
Don't lose hope
That's how you lose your mind.
Clock keeps on ticking in my head, I hear it clearly as a background noise. Chrystal walks besides me and starts threading her fingers through my hair and massages my hands out of it.
"What happened, Edward? Are you alright? How long has it been? What's the time? Does it end? Ever? Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick..."
It's not her who is talking anymore. It's me. How am I talking? I can't speak. Definitely not for her. What's going on? Why does she keep on talking like I talk?
"Tick, tick, tick..."
No, I don't like it. Why she has to do that? I don't like it. I shake my head at her and frown. Can't she understand to be quiet? I don't like what she is talking.
She doesn't stop.
I put my head on my knees and cover my ears with my hands while shutting my eyes too. I make my wings wrap around me better, so she can't see me hopefully and they would shield me from her voice coming into my ears. Her horrible things she talks about.
My arms bleed of whatever they have inside of them. The words become clearer than before.
Remember what I did wrong.
I did do wrong. I shouldn't have killed myself. This is excruciating, more than living my unhappy life in the World. So much more, many times worse. You're always lost here. I would be lost in the World too. It's dark here. It get's dark in the World too. In other ways too. Just blackness in here. You don't have a family here. You might never see them again, and you have to hope that you won't either.
If I would have died when I was supposed to, when the Devil and God decided of that, then I might have seen Bella some day.
I could have seen Bella.
Let me go, God. Please, God. Listen to me. I'm sorry I ended myself. I shouldn't have. I'm so sorry. Don't let me go from your custody. Don't forget me. Please save me from here. I'm sorry what I did. I regret doing it! Please! Oh, please God, help me!
I can't help being so desperate. And there's no reason to hide it. He already sees me throughly. I just can't let go of Him, even if He let's go of me. And I don't blame if He does. As long as I can beg, I will. I have to get back to Bella. I need to get out!
My love, can you save me?
I hit the ground, when my mind crashes.
From Hell to Heaven
Saviours belong to everybody
You never know. Even with a clock installed in your mind. You never know how long it's been.
When I wake up, Chrystal isn't there anymore. Why would she be? What does she care? I didn't want her to be there anyway. She was hurting me.
I stretch myself on the ground so I'm lying on my left side. I see the river of lava from here. Some people are gathered near by it. Some of them have red horns piercing through their heads close to their foreheads and tails. One dark angel is there too. Most are just humans who have joined in with them.
I draw something to the dust. Nothing that would make sense. But then I realized that I had, after all, written S.O.S.
That almost got a few chuckles out of me, even if they were silent. I wipe then sign out.
I'm going insane. I might be already. Most probably I already am. Is anybody else in here? There must be loads of crazy people in here. Otherwise this wouldn't be Hell. Everyone's crazy one way or another. Is there people in my head?
I have a clock in my head. And I guess I'm suicidal or something for that is a reason for my being in here. Yes, very much so, I think when I look at my arm in front of me.
I love Bella.
It's sad, because I can't see her anymore.
Can she see in here? What would she think of me if she did see me? Would she be angry at me? She would perhaps be disappointed in me. Looking like this. I look stupid. I look nothing like I should for her.
I hope she can't see me and I hope she can see me. It would be nice to know that she cares enough about me to watch over me.
She can't be looking. She must hate me now. I had let her die. I didn't protect her like I should've. And I left her for a reason that wasn't good enough after all, when I think about it. I didn't let her get what she wanted. Who I think I am? Why could I decide what she can or can't have?
Well, I guess it doesn't matter anymore.
I hope it did. Then it would mean that I could see her. How I want to see her.
Bella, I am sorry. I love you. I won't forget you.
I hope she hears it somehow. If she can't, I hope she knows.
My eyes close slowly and I blinded by the ticking noise in my head. I can't sleep nor do I need to sleep. I still want to. I would see nightmares if I slept, but I was already living a nightmare so what difference would it make. They would never get as bad as the life I'm living now.
I'm crying again. The dust flies, when the heavy teardrops hit the floor where it had been laying calmly. I destroy everything.
~Edward. Wake up, darling. You're saved. Come to me, love. Edward, I love you~ Bella's voice cooes in my mind. It's not very clear and it's very quiet. Though that doesn't matter. I can hear her! It's such a pleasant and at the same time a painful voice to hear. But I would give up everything I have to hear it again. I hum in response and smile through my tears.
~Edward. Open your eyes. Fly up. You can do it. I'll meet you in the halfway. You are forgiven Edward. Come to me, love~
Is this true? Do I believe that it is true? Is Bella actually speaking to me? How can she?
I need to find out. What if it's true?!
I open my eyes immediately and look up at the painfully black sky. It's like closing your eyes and putting hands over them with the feeling of drowning added to it. I'm afraid to try it out. What if someone sees me? What if someone stops me? I have to hurry. I need to get to Bella.
But is she sure about this? Does God want me there? Does she want me there?
~Time to go, honey. We are waiting for you. Fly. I'll see you soon. I won't leave you~
She's still talking to me, it must be fine.
I stand up and look at the threatening darkness. I must go through. I have to fight for Bella. I have to fight for my soul.
I unfold my wings wide open and exert myself to flight. When I touch the darkness, I'm already beginning to suffocate. My chest tightens painfully again. I keep still flying upwards, wherever that is.
~Follow my voice, darling~
So I follow her beautiful lead and fly towards it. I push through with everything I have, when it gets harder and harder to go on. It's so dark that I can't see anything, but the blackness. I feel so lost and start panicking, when her voice in my head seems to wander off and quiet.
I'm going to the wrong direction. Where am I am? Where are you Bella? Where am I going?!
For a moment I stop moving my wings and I began to fall. But I don't give up. I instantly start flying again persistently and harder than before. I'm losing her sound, but I turn around although I'm not sure if it's working. But when I hear her voice again, it's much louder and clearer than before. With every blow of my wings I hear her better. Tears of happiness and triumph begin to flow down my cheeks.
I'm coming! Please wait for me Bella! I love you!
For what seems to be a forever, but gladly isn't, because I know how bad that is in the darkness, I see it.
It's so bright, it's white and shines in the horizon as a long line that thickens and spreads upwards. It's pleasant to watch and doesn't hurt your eyes unlike looking at the sun.
And there is Bella.
She looks so beautiful. She glows in the light and looks like a real angel, though without the wings. I thrust forward and fly suddenly through a white haze. It cripples me when I get to the others side. I'm afraid that I'm going to fall back into the darkness that's under it, but Bella has catched me in her protective arms.
I cannot tell you how grateful and relieved I feel. It's incredible.
The feeling of her is cleansing and serene. It feels like she's sheltering me from the evil that's after me. Or is He there waiting for me? Is He coming for me? Or will God send me back?
The sudden feeling of relief left as soon as it came. I became frantic in my mind, jumping on the walls as the close around me, but I cannot express myself to Bella with no voice and inability to move. But she lifts my face up to meet hers and she notices the fear from my eyes.
"You are safe, my love", Bella says gently and slowly. She looks so calm and self-possessed. Her deep, brown eyes show me impeccable love, adoration and care.
I believe her. Of course I do. The fear is swiped away immediately and I'm filled with tranquility and peace. She hugs me closer to her chest and I close my eyes. But in the end, I feel that if I keep them closed, opening them I find myself in the undertow again.
"It's alright now, love."
I open my eyes I'm still in Bella's arms, where she holds me tight. She pulls us apart just a bit so she can really look at me. I feel ashamed of myself, but what happens, I start getting back the little strength I have and I can stand on my own again. Bella keeps her hands on my arms still as if to keep me still and doesn't look disgusted by me at all. I thought she would be. But I knew she has a good heart. She would never show anything like that to me. If she can even think such things about others. She's pure and good. Unlike me.
I mouth to her, because there's still no sound coming out of me. She smiles at me a little sadly and tilts her head to the side, ruffling my hair with her other hand.
"I love you. It's alright. And God has forgiven you. He knew that you would come to your senses. And I did tell Him that you can sometimes be a bit too persistent with your beliefs you have about yourself. It's very sad, because you should have gotten here straight away. I told you that you don't see yourself clearly. You are worthy."
The tears keep coming and she wipes them away with her thumb. She presses herself closer to me and lowers her head upon my shoulder and I do the same.
"I will take you to Him. It's time you find your peace", she says to me and slides her hand from my arm to my hand and squeezes tightly. "Let's go, love", she says with a big smile. It plasters on my face as well.
I follow her to a humble looking, white palace. The air is clean and pure here just like people seem to be. My gaze falters to the white marble ground or that's what it looks like, because I don't want to see the looks on their faces when they see me. A demon. They must wonder how am I allowed to come here. They must want me to get out of here. Go back to Hell. I still think that's where I deserve to be.
But like I said, I'm too selfish to actually go there on my own now that I got here.
I would like to acknowledge that the ground is smooth and just the right temperature that it didn't hurt my feet at all. But I am concerned that I am leaving a trace of dark red liquid on the floor as I walk. It's coming from my feet and my arms. Am I bleeding faster? My cracked bones ache more than usual.
I look at Bella and I see that she has also noticed my bleeding and she looks worried. "It must hurt terribly. I'm so sorry you had to go through that." I shake my head at her empathy. She shouldn't feel sorry about what I've been through. It's not her fault at all.
"Wait, are those letters? What does it say?" she asks when she realizes that something reads on my arms. She doesn't understand the language? And at the moment I don't either. And I understand her. She's speaking another strange language that they speak in 'downtown'. How odd, but at the same time, it kind of makes sense.
But I could answer her. Of course, of course I remember what it says. The Devil never lets me to forget.
I mouth. In a quiet way if you can do that. Bella still got it even though I mumbled it on my lips. She halts to a stop and I have to stop too. She looks so sad, when she looks at me. I feel terribly bad about it. She cups my face in her hands and then gently places her lips on mine.
I gasp at the contact and shivers are sent down my body.
So long has been since our last kiss. I remember that I pecked her forehead just before I left her in to the forest behind her and Charlie's home in the World. I hate myself for ever doing it to us. It's the worst decision of my life.
Gladly, I might have a new life in Heaven. And it'll be with Bella. I'll never let go of her ever again.
The kiss is very tender and full of emotions we've been experiencing through our time apart. I don't feel lost now, but something feels like it is still missing.
When the kiss ends, I have tears on my cheeks now from Bella. She has some of mine on her own. She's smiling now and I smile a bit too. "Okay", she breathes out and takes a hold of my hand again. We go inside the palace which reminds me a bit of some synagoga.
I see Him there.
Bella leads me towards him, but I'm afraid of what will happen. But as I watch Him closely, He seems actually to be entertained by my reaction to him.
"It's alright, Edward. Come closer my child. Thank you Bella, for bringing him here. I'm going to speak with him now", He says in a gentle, but strong voice. It's a voice you would rely on even if it told lies to you. But God doesn't tell any tales, I'm sure of that.
Bella leaves my side still wearing a soft smile and she nods. "I will see you later, Edward. Go on, it's fine", she says before turns to leave. I watch after her. When I can't see her anymore and I see nothing but white light coming from the doorway, I feel His presence right behind me. He lays a hand on my shoulder.
That's how it happens. What I have been missing, is not missing anymore. I feel I might just collapse from what he puts inside me, because I no longer feel empty and sour. The bitter taste in my mind is gone. I feel complete.
He turns me around by putting another hand to my other shoulder and the feeling intensifies. He takes us close to the left wall where there is a white mattress type of object placed onto the ground. He sits me on it and kneels in front of me.
My eyes must be wide open with amazement. He shouldn't kneel for me, not even if He wants to be on the same level as I am. I should stand up for Him or watch Him upwards. But there He stays. Calmness and serenity radiates from him. I should loathe the way I am, that I have the guts to be like this in front of him, but I don't. I guess I'm just too shocked to feel anything else than that is.
"My child. I have waited for you. And I would have waited as long as it would have taken for you to come back to me. I hope it would have been easier for you to understand what happened. It's almost as if you were too good to understand that you belong in Heaven. But I couldn't take you in before you understood. And now you have which I'm happy for. But know that I never left your side. I could hear you and I cared."
That can't be true...
He now looks down at my arms and His soft smile twitches. "I know He can be a little rough sometimes. But in the end, He made you see how it is. Now, I'll heal you, my child", he says puts his hands over my arms. More red liquid begins to flow from the cuts and I feel as if everything bitter and foul escaped me. The feeling is facilitating and soothing. My eyelids flutter shut and I sigh at the release of the evil leaving me.
Soon enough He's done, and opening my eyes I notice that there's no more red tainting my skin. He has also taken the bandages off, my skin is flawless underneath it. No scars from the cuts that had been made, no carved letters. No pain.
Then He places His hands on my neck gently and caresses my face in his hands for a while and I can feel how my throat just seems to open and gusts of fresh air move inside of me.
"Thank You", I breath in relief of it all, and I can speak again. He must know that already I am, but I would repeat it no matter how many times if He asked me to.
"You are pure, my child. Believe Me. There's nothing wrong with you. Now, you may rest and you will feel much better then", He tells me. I don't understand I could feel any better than I do now.
He puts his hand on my shoulder and another one on my chest. With each touch He makes me feel cleaner and purer than I have ever felt myself be before. He lays me down onto the soft material and brushes the strands of my hair away from my forehead. He relieves the overflowing feelings inside me and suddenly I feel sleepy. With a smile, He lets me drift off as my eyes close.
From Hell to Heaven
Sacrifice your believes until you are met with the truth you seek for
I have to open my eyes. There's a feeling of dread in me, because I'm afraid that when I open my eyes, it was all just a dream. But I can't just hope for it to be true. I need to see it for myself. I don't want to, but I have to. So I do.
I breath in a sharp and a big breath that I release as quickly as I took it in as a sigh. I'm here. I'm in Heaven. Thank God. Literally. And Bella. My lovely Bella. She's incredible to put it short. So wonderful and incredible.
I sit up and probe how I'm feeling with my eyes closes again.
The word 'amazing' comes into my mind the second I ask it. I feel like that. He was telling the truth. I do feel better than before. So good, that I feel like I'm going to float upwards. I feel so light, inside and out. My whole being feel to be so pure and so clean.
I cannot describe the feeling. I'm forever thankful for what has happened to me that it landed me here. I even than the Devil for making me see what it was that I had to understand before I could come here.
My eyelids flutter open as I feel a butterfly kiss on my lips. Bella's there, her hands on my shoulders, then flow downwards to my hands as she rose them up. "Come with me", she says gently and coaxes with the lead of her hands on me.
I slowly get up, no longer feeling pain in my bones at all. It's all so remarkable.
I notice that the bandage on my pelvis area has been changed to a white one and there are no other bandages needed elsewhere. The wings I had, are now white as the light shining from outside. I follow Bella there.
"You are so beautiful", Bella says, but I no longer cringe at the remark. I can't be bothered to feel any negative feelings anymore really. "So are you", I tell her, and she is. Of course. She has always been the most beautiful person to me. And how wonderful she is.
"And your wings are so beautiful too. So white and silky..." Bella's soft touch is on my wings and it feels quite good too unlike before. Now I'm not as ashamed about them, though I can't understand how I could have them still, or can God be mocking me too?
"I don't understand why I have them still. I can't have the right to them, can I really?"
Bella's eyes meet mine gingerly and a small smile is on her lips, though looking a bit sad. "You still are you were before. Always doubting yourself for being good enough for this and that. Do I need to remind you we are in Heaven now, and God has seen you and thought that this is how it's meant to be for you?"
She has a point, I have to admit that.
"Edward, love, it's about how you conquered all the anguish and made it through the darkness with the power of Love. You fought through with everything you had, your wings are kind of a battle scar, but a great one. One that helped you."
Bella was so kind with her words and so smart. And Bella never told lies.
"You are a part of the Angels now. You can go and protect the people in the World now. I'm so proud of you Edward. I could never thank you enough for coming back for me. You did so well, love."
Bella is thanking me and she's proud? I don't know if I can believe it.
"But I would like to be with you. If I go to protect others, as I would love to, can I still be with you then?" If that wasn't possible then how could I do that? I didn't want to leave Bella anymore. And if I could protect the people in the World, how could I deny them my protection?
"I'll still be with you of course, Edward. I'll always be there with you as I have before. I know sometimes it hasn't looked like that, but I promise I have. And this time won't be different, though now you will definitely know I'm there with you. Even though I'm not part of the Angels, I can still be there with you, right by your side."
I smile was forming on my lips as she went on. "God allows that?"
"Of course He does. It's His nature. I love you, you love me. He could never take us apart, even if He wanted to. Love is stronger than anything else", Bella said and before I knew it, I was in her arms once again. In her embrace I felt better than I had ever before.
"You don't even know how much I adore you, Bella. Not a clue."
"If you can fight Hell to come to me, I think I have some kind of a hunch. And know that the same goes to you too", she laughed which was the most beautiful sound in the whole existence to me. "But we can go enjoy each others company in peace now. Shall I show you my favorite place in the whole Universe? Where I went to when you weren't there ", she asked and of course I followed her there, holding her hand.
To our meadow.